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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-worker "keeping tabs" on me...

76 replies

StalePrincessofBelAir · 01/02/2019 12:55

Apologies for the long post (don't want to drip feed) and I've NC for this.

I feel like one of my co-workers (we'll call her Ann) is keeping tabs on me and is complaining/reporting about me to her manager (Jane). We haven't got the same manager and are technically in different departments, though work near each other and occasionally cross over responsibilities.

Today I had permission from my manager (John) to work from home because of icy conditions worsening throughout the day. I came in for the morning and when I told Ann I had planned on leaving at my lunch hour during daylight hours, Ann (who has some limited HR responsibilities) asked if I would be using holiday. I replied that I would be doing research from home (same as I would from work), but I wouldn't need to drive in the dark. She pulled a face and said that I should email that to John and copy in Jane as well.

Jane has called me in before to chat because she had received some "comments" about me, regarding how I am sometimes too blunt. No examples or situations were given, but I was told that I should consider looking to Ann to model her way of speaking. I do have a straight-forward way of talking and don't believe in dancing around topics, as I have noticed that Ann does. I am not from the UK and phrases like "Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?", I would simply say as "Could you please print this?". I also don't faff around "having a look around the office" (as Ann does) when I answer the phone if I know someone is unavailable; I just say "So-and-so isn't available at the moment, can I take a message?".

I have taken the feedback from Jane and applied it, as she is a manager in my company, but don't think it is beneficial to me or anyone else. John only ever talks to me about my job performance in a positive manner. He has told me that Jane has reported "comments" to him, but he hasn't had an issue with my demeanor.

I haven't ever made a complaint about anybody in the office. I generally like everyone in the office (including Ann), but I growing concerned that she (and potentially Jane) don't like me and want me out. I find it worrying that people are keeping tabs on me when I do work really hard. AIBU to be wary of this situation?

OP posts:
planespotting · 01/02/2019 13:37

Thanks @ChikiTIKI I will do this, she is very difficult and I need a plan

planespotting · 01/02/2019 13:40

Sorry but I am going to disagree with this again
Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?"

"Is that ok?"

Why is that needed? Men don't talk like this in the workplace?
I need something printed this morning, could you do it please?
Could you print something for me?
Would you mind doing some printing?

But Could you please, is that ok?

No, I think it is unnecessary

Josico58 · 01/02/2019 13:42

Ask John to speak to Jane, say she's been calling you in and giving you feedback and you're confused because you don't report in to her.

Jane is actually more unprofessional than Ann, as she is feeding into Ann's gossip and bitching, and encouraging it by then taking it up with you.

Also avoid giving Ann any information she can use against you, I'd suggest stop talking to her altogether, unless you have to. She doesn't sound like a trusted colleague, she's actively looking for things to stitch you up.

Next time Ann makes a comment, simply reply "Thanks, Ann. I'll discuss with John, you needn't worry as its really none of your concern"

planespotting · 01/02/2019 13:42

As I said, its all in the tone, and as you say you are ESL, so you wont pick up the smaller nuances in speech.
OP said she is not from the UK, that a) doesn't make her ESL and b) as "a ESL" person myself (is this a new box I need to sit in?" I am perfectly capable of picking up the smaller nuances in speech and I find this comment patronising.

Josico58 · 01/02/2019 13:44

Just wanted to add - niceties and fluffying up requests such as "if you have a minute, if you wouldn't mind" are not necessary.

if you're inclined to speak that way then fine, but if you don't it doesn't make you impolite (as long as you obviously are using basic manners)

Original poster
StalePrincessofBelAir · 01/02/2019 13:46

English is my first language. I am just not from a country or culture where flowery language is as (apparently) prominent in the workplace.

OP posts:
Original poster
StalePrincessofBelAir · 01/02/2019 13:47

As someone said before, I've never heard a man speak that way.

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 01/02/2019 13:48

As I said, its all in the tone,

This is nothing to do with tone or words or 'please '

It's to do with cross management interference and a nasty little oik called Ann poking her fucking nose in and being empowered by her equally oik-ish boss, Jane, to be utterly unprofessional

John needs to grow a pair and sort this debacle out

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2019 13:48

I need something printed this morning, could you do it please?
Could you print something for me?
Would you mind doing some printing?

All of those are good because they give the other person to either do it or explain there will be a wait because of their own workload.
Not abrupt or 'begging'.

THe OP's way, whilst not in any way rude *was^ a little more abrupt. However if that was their 'way' and I knew them well, I wouldn't think anymore of it.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 01/02/2019 13:49

@plane Would it be abrupt if a man said it?

I work in male dominated environments, they are more able to use charm to get things done.

I find this comment patronising.

Aww never mind, I'm not from the UK either and frankly I choose not to be perpetually offended at every given opportunity Grin

MiddleAgeRage · 01/02/2019 13:51

Oh God yeah, we do like the flowery language over here. I work with Germans and Austrians and there is none of that. I would say if Ann and Jane don't like it that's their problem.

planespotting · 01/02/2019 13:53

Aww never mind, I'm not from the UK either and frankly I choose not to be perpetually offended at every given opportunity 
No wonder you think that others use their charm.

"Awwww"
"Grin"

Is that a way to speak to adults?

You were mistaken, the OP is not "ESL"

Yabbers · 01/02/2019 13:56

@Josico58

Totally agree.

It is all about how you say it and not what you say. Adding “if you have a minute” means nothing, if you bark it snappily. Struggling to see how it makes timescales any less vague either. Confused

It’s also generally something women do as a half apology for bothering the person who’s job it is to do stuff for them.

Anne clearly has a problem with you. Raise it with John, but make it clear it’s not a huge issue for you at the moment you’re just concerned it could cause trouble. Chances are John will say he’s well aware of Anne and her issues. I would ask him what he expects you to do when Jane decides it’s her business to get involved though.

Birdsgottafly · 01/02/2019 13:56

Absolutely get John involved in this. If anything, Jane is undermining him.

"Could you please print this?"."

My African friends struggle with not coming across as abrupt. So they throw in a" help me".

So it becomes "Could you please help me print this?"."

It does make a difference when spoken.

However, you've been given the Job, which isn't a receptionist. You aren't blunt to Customers and Cultural differences should be made allowances for.

Yabbers · 01/02/2019 13:58

I work in male dominated environments, they are more able to use charm to get things done.

So do I, that’s not my experience generally.

MulticolourMophead · 01/02/2019 14:00

I have to echo other comments. I would never be flowery or wishy washy in my language in the office. I make plain English requests. Not "Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?", but "Can you please do X for me? I need it by Y time at the latest, thank you."

And before anyone grumbles it's abrupt. It's no different to the requests made by men in our office. And they don't get any complaints about being abrupt, or rude, etc, etc.

If John has no complaints, then why on earth is Jane getting involved? John does need to know that Jane's trying to manage you, you're his staff not her's.

So mention a couple of examples with him, I think including the issue about working from home, with Ann and Jane's comments there, after you've agreed it with John. That's his management of you being subtly criticised here, so I think he'll take notice.

MRex · 01/02/2019 14:02

"Could you please print this?" is fine, maybe tack on "I need it for my 11am meeting" to give a timescale. The extra flowering I don't like and wouldn't use, and I'm born in London with 20 years of professional experience including senior roles. Thing is though, do you have a right to ask Ann to do your printing if she's at your level, is it actually the possible problem that she doesn't mind helping when asked but sees it as a favour rather than her role? Does she have a chip on her shoulder thinking you see yourself as superior to her?

In a small office, you would usually be expected to have a dotted line report to Jane; you could clarify with John if that's the case as you might take her feedback better if you understand what the expected office dynamics are.

With Ann - it's none of her business when you leave, but you could have cut that off quickly with "I agreed with John that I'll work from home"; you chose not to. It sounds like the two of you are winding each other up, it's probably worth asking John and Jane to help de-escalate; have a mediated conversation for both of you to understand what pisses you off about the other and work out a way forward.

Original poster
StalePrincessofBelAir · 01/02/2019 14:04

Thank you for your help everyone, I will bring it up with John next week.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 01/02/2019 14:04

Well, re today’s comments, I’d be tempted to send a nice passive aggressive email copying in John, Jane and Ann:

Hi all

Ann has asked me to provide email confirmation that John has agreed to let me work from home this afternoon. Not sure exactly why this is necesssry, but hope this will suffice. Have a nice weekend.

Stale

MRex · 01/02/2019 14:06

Having worked in a relatively small office, some junior staff have been more tempted to skive off, it can be an issue. (Then they didn't have time to finish certain work, still going on it, working hard etc.) I've had other junior staff let me know and I certainly did see it as appropriate for them to do, so I feel a bit nervous criticising Ann too much, there could have been an issue with other staff members skiving when their manager is out and she's been asked to keep an eye out.

Miane · 01/02/2019 14:08

You need to raise this with John. It doesn’t have to be dramatic.

Just say you need clarification of the reporting line and Jane appears to view you are her member of staff and you felt some of the interactions were potentially inappropriate from someone who is not your manager.

Personally I’d smile sweetly at Ann as I sailed past and tell her nothing that wasn’t strictly necessary to complete the job.

I’d be polite to Jane but innocently puzzled as to why feedback wasn’t coming through John.

mummmy2017 · 01/02/2019 14:08

Ask Jane to meet, tell her you feel someone is spying on you, it feels like low level bullying as you know Jane is trying to be helpful, but your confused as John is your manager and he has no concerns.

Original poster
StalePrincessofBelAir · 01/02/2019 14:09

I would like to clarify that I don't generally ask things of Ann unless they are her designated responsibilities, I was just giving an example of phrasing. I genuinely don't know how I could be "winding her up", I just do my job.

OP posts:
wigglypiggly · 01/02/2019 14:13

Don't discuss anything with Ann or Jane, John is your manager, ask him if hes happy with your work and leave it as that.

PettyContractor · 01/02/2019 14:17

"Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?", I would simply say as "Could you please print this?".

I thought at first I prefer your way, but on reflection I can see why it puts peoples backs up. Those are the exact words you a British person would use if it were a command that could not be refused, so an actual request possibly needs something else.

"if your have a minute" and "is that ok" are both softeners that reduce the impact, making it clear it's a request and not an order. I think two softeners is too many, using both is a bit obsequious.

My first thought was that I would add "for me" as a softener, so "Could you print this for me". My second is that just moving the please to the end would soften it, but I can't explain why. Could you print this for me please."