to not want ex dating school mum

[debbie1990]

We have 2 DS's together, split 2 years ago and we both have had a few dates, nothing major and both are single. There is no chance of reconciliation and there genuinely is no feelings there but we are friendly for DS's.

Another school mum stopped me this morning and said that it's so nice I was so chilled about exP and "Jane" . I was a bit confused and asked what she meant, apparently when exP picks up the children they've been all walking home together, despite exP home in the other direction and have now swapped numbers and have been talking.

I know it's up to exP who he dates but it feels a bit embarrassing so close to home, it would also be weird for the children who know her as x's mum. If all doesn't go to plan won't it make it awkward for everyone involved?

I feel a bit miffed of all the women at the world he is chasing one that I know. Do I just butt out and hope the talking comes to nothing??

Op, I really do t understand your view he can't date her for the sake of the kids. The kids are friends and as adults it's up to both of them to manage it in a way that does not negatively impact them.

I also don't understand your view that it can't work out between them, why can't it?

I suspect what you really mean is he can't date her for your sake, and you don't wish it to work.

You also like her, you chat at rhe school gates, if the relationship works it could be a win all round. If it doesn't, then it's encumbant on them to ensure there is no impact on the kids, and that's wholly manageable.

So odd
The first part of your OP stresses overwhelming indifference to this man and that only communicate because of children.

But that is clearly not the case.

and he could tell her if she wanted as she will know soon enough (or does already) that she is gossip of the class

and perhaps she wont give a flying fuck what some people with nothing better to do with their time have to say about her.

Most people are someone elses exs. You need to get over this and stop justifying why you should get involved.

I’d hate this too op! Wouldn’t want my life played out for the fun of the mums on the playground. I’ve had it before, being questioned by gossips with big grins, feel like saying ‘do you realise this is actually my life’?!

I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it so don’t fight it just let it be and remind yourself that this isn’t for you to worry about, you have no control over other people, you can only do what you think is right.

I don’t think it’s a problem saying to him ‘people are gossiping about this new relationship’. I can’t imagine many people being fine with this tbh.

Totally cringe 💐

Oh and by the way when people questioned me about my thing (completely different but bought a lot of pleasure to others) I wouldn’t engage at all. I never gave them anything to get excited about from me. AT ALL. I’m so pleased now, was defo the best way to go.

OP, it sounds very much like you are making this a bigger deal than it needs to be, purely because you don’t like the idea of being talked about.

I promise you that if you let this go, nobody else will care either. It definitely sounds like this woman was trying to rattle you by talking about it, so refused to be rattled!

I suggest what you do is say to your ex ‘I’ve heard you’re seeing Jane, I hope it goes well for you! Can I just ask you to be sensitive to how the kids may feel about you dating another school mum? We are all adults so I’m sure it will be fine, but just to make sure we keep the kids at the forefront of ours minds.’ Something like that. Bear in mind he has no obligation to tell you anything, and that he owes you nothing. Be positive about it. And next time a school mum mentions it, say ‘yes I hear it’s going well!’ And leave it at that. If there’s nothing to gossip about, people will lose interest.

I would also suggest you approach Jane and say ‘I hear you are seeing ex, just wanted to wish you both well!’ Stop the drama at its source.

Remember- they go low, you go high!

Children are resilient but I just can't see it working out between them and it all just causing drama all around.

The drama appears to be coming from your angst about it. You can't see it working out because you seem determined to make sure it won't!

If he had an ounce of respect for you he wouldn't. It's morally wrong. I'm sure he'd feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot

I don't think it would come across jealous by asking and he could tell her if she wanted as she will know soon enough (or does already) that she is gossip of the class

You really cannot let your life choices be dictated by some gossip or other. People can basically fuck off out of it. Has it occurred to you OP that actually these two might form a long-lasting, stable relationship that would be good for both of them? And why should they miss the chance of that because of some idle tittle tattle. And I don't think children should learn to curb their behaviour because people might gossip about them.

Christ, where I live much of the gossip is homophobic, racist and misogynist. I'm certainly not going to make decisions based on avoiding it.

I get where you are coming from OP, but you really need to, in your words 'just butt out'. It simply isn't any of your business, and I mean that kindly. Are you sure you don't have any feelings for your ex anymore, maybe something residual?

If he had an ounce of respect for you he wouldn't. It's morally wrong

Lol, I am hoping you're. Taking the piss?

Op. They will only be gossip if you are upset about it, which clearly you are. If you are perceived to not caring it will go as far as Jane and John are dating, oh how do the mum and kids feel about it, all good, then there is nothing to talk about.

If however it's jane and John are dating, oh how do the mum and kids feel about it, well the mum is all upset and jealous, and being weird as duck around jane, trying to put a stop to it, and claiming it can never work, then yes it will be gossiped about, but it will be you who is the focus of that, they will simply be the support act. They will all be speculating about how he must have ended it, how you still want him, saying oh poor mum, I feel so sorry for her, having to watch him with someone else's when she still loves him, blah blah blah and be waiting for any fire works,

Ladyvox gave an excellent suggestion on how to handle it. And you will just need to manage your feelings in private, you will get to the stage youdont care about how he dates, you're just not there yet.

I know it's hard for someone on the outside to see when you don't know the individual people but I don't really see this lasting. I know it sounds like it's coming from bitterness but "Jane" works hard with her own business, she seems quite independent and owns her home, she is also a bit older. Ex (without sounding bitchy) is very different. Charming at first but lives back with his mum, can't drive etc. Opposites may attract but I suspect once the initial attraction wears off and she gets to know him that they probably aren't that compatible. But I could be wrong.

I really am over him, it isn't about feelings but I do think a lot of this is to do with my anxiety and the feeling of my life being "on display". We moved here before DC were born but most are born and bred and it's a gossipy village school. I like keeping myself to myself and them not knowing much about me as the ones that have lived here a long time (a good 60/70% will gossip about village goings on and I just want to be private. Ex knows this is how I feel so I'm just a bit put out I suppose that he has found one of the most public obvious ways to find a woman.

You don’t get a say. He’s your ex. Presumably there are reasons for that. He can date who he likes. Respect? She not your sister, bf or even a close friend just someone you’re on nodding terms with at the school gate. It’s only going to be as awkward as you make it and as for people gossiping about you, yeah, again, if you make it a big deal then they’ll gossip more. And there’s not much to gossip about is there? She’s not the ow who was material in your break up. It’ll be a five minute wonder if that an, frankly, they’ll have forgotten all about you while they’re making tea because you’re really not that interesting in anyone else’s mind but your own.

One of my friends is in a long-term relationship (7 years) with another primary school parent - I'm not sure how they met, but it could've been at the school gates!

Their children have now moved onto different schools, but I know she felt awkward at first and wouldn't attend school events with him. I'm not sure how many other people even knew about them at first and I'm pretty sure classmates were oblivious that X and Y's parents were together

I don't know how her ex felt about it, but they're both in long-term relationships and all seem to get on well.

Just let them get on with it, OP.

But what's to know op? They all know you're not w couple.as single people they would expect you both to date, and all they will know is these two are seeing each other. It's no big deal. If you don't make it one.

It's very unlikely she will spread all he tells her to the other school mums.she sounds like a grown up to me.

I suspect also the living with his his mum is more to do with the seperariion and costs, as opposed to his long term ambition.

"Jane" works hard with her own business, she seems quite independent and owns her home, she is also a bit older. Ex (without sounding bitchy) is very different.

Unless she wants a man-child then, it probably won't last five minutes.
Or she might whip him into shape! Could be just what he needs (and would make him a more useful ex if he learns how to drive :-).

but I don't really see this lasting

And what? There could be an impact on your children from wither of you have a relationship and then it breaking down anyway. Even if you wait years before they meet the kids.

Would you be any happier if you thought it would last?

@debbie1990 At least you were already split up!! My exh got together with another School mum while we were married/together ... Now that was awkward kids in same classes etc.

You have been separated 2 yrs. yes it is awkward and odd seeing that. But the playground is a likely meeting place really. At least if they do get together then it's someone you know, that your kids may end up being around. There are positives to this.

But yes I totally get it's so hard when it's all In Your face so to speak.

I like keeping myself to myself and them not knowing much about me as the ones that have lived here a long time (a good 60/70% will gossip about village goings on and I just want to be private. Ex knows this is how I feel so I'm just a bit put out I suppose that he has found one of the most public obvious ways to find a woman.

I realise this must make it hard for you OP. And you can't help but be annoyed by it. But I don't think there's really anything you can do. These are your concerns and fears, but your problems are no longer your ex DH's.

IME with small communities the trick is actually to be fairly open about almost everything. That way they feel they've got something to talk about, and it takes the sting out of it for you if it's stuff you were open about. Then keep quiet about the 5% of stuff you really don't want them to know, and generally they won't find out, because they're too busy gossiping about the 95% they do know, and they're convinced you're an open book.

Nope, no issue, he can date who he wants Ian afraid, you just have to accept it.

Op, what is it you're worried about they will find out about you and gossip about?

Most people's lives are fairly mundane, your marriage has ended, in most instances there is fault on both sides, did he cheat, did you, was their violence?

This woman bears you no malice, in fact it's in her interests to be friendly with you, as it is in your interests to be friendly with her, because of the kids, so you also bear a responsibility here, as well as him.

There is no reason to suspect from what you've posted that she will spread gossip about you to the other school mums, none at all.