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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want ex dating school mum

120 replies

debbie1990 · 31/01/2019 16:44

We have 2 DS's together, split 2 years ago and we both have had a few dates, nothing major and both are single. There is no chance of reconciliation and there genuinely is no feelings there but we are friendly for DS's.

Another school mum stopped me this morning and said that it's so nice I was so chilled about exP and "Jane" . I was a bit confused and asked what she meant, apparently when exP picks up the children they've been all walking home together, despite exP home in the other direction and have now swapped numbers and have been talking.

I know it's up to exP who he dates but it feels a bit embarrassing so close to home, it would also be weird for the children who know her as x's mum. If all doesn't go to plan won't it make it awkward for everyone involved?

I feel a bit miffed of all the women at the world he is chasing one that I know. Do I just butt out and hope the talking comes to nothing??

OP posts:

CatsPawsAndWhiskers · 31/01/2019 18:06

No you don't. People meet, they get on, they become attracted and get feelings you have no idea if you would walk away unless you actually have.

I'd just never get that involved with anyone from the school gate. I know my children, they would hate it. Everyone is different.

Boysandbuses · 31/01/2019 18:08

I'd just never get that involved with anyone from the school gate. I know my children, they would hate it. Everyone is different.

Does anyone plan in getting that involved?

CatsPawsAndWhiskers · 31/01/2019 18:14

Does anyone plan in getting that involved?

Not a clue but it just would not happen for me.

SummerGems · 31/01/2019 18:15

Some of these responses are overly harsh. No of course it (technically) isn’t any of the OP’s business,but let’s be honest, if you know someone, know their kids, see them every day even if they’re not a friend then it can feel a bit strange in the beginning if it transpires that they’re potentially getting friendly with your ex. And father to the children who are in the same class as theirs.

Reality is that this is probably quite common though,and some relationships will fizzle and the children may never even know that they were dating, and others may end up as something more in which case you’ll soon get used to the fact that they’re together,and as children move on from the school anyway it’ll become a non issue quicker than you realise.

You absolutely can’t say anything as who he does and doesn’t date is still his business, and the other mum was absolutely stirring, but your feelings are normal, as long as you don’t act on them.

Boysandbuses · 31/01/2019 18:45

Not a clue but it just would not happen for me

Sorry but I don't believe people can ever say they would never do something. Timing and other circumstances can change anything.

Jimdandy · 31/01/2019 18:53

It’s nothing to do with you. Wind your neck in.

CatsPawsAndWhiskers · 31/01/2019 19:01

Sorry but I don't believe people can ever say they would never do something. Timing and other circumstances can

No need to be sorry. It's your opinion presumably based on you and things you've seen. I know I would never do it as I would feel too guilty if my kids were unhappy. Also as I said before, everyone's different.

I actually know of a situation like this. It wasn't at school but in a kids football team. Mum and dad split up. Mum started dating one of the dads. The two boys were 10 and whilst the one boy didn't seem to care, the other was upset. The kids ended up falling out. They split up in less than a year, there was a lot of bad feeling, the kids heard things from their parents, other parents and it was just a mess. The boy who's mum had got involved with the other dad, asked to go and live with his dad as he just hated it all. He did go and live with his mum again after a year or so but it was just a horrible, messy situation.

PloddingOnwards · 31/01/2019 19:01

OP don't let them see it's bothering you , it is abit close to home for you but seriously let them get on with it it's their business. Stay smiling.

SpinneyHill · 31/01/2019 19:19

Does he do the school run too or did they meet elsewhere? Are the respective kids friends?

If you're friendly and both do the school run then I would have expected him to mention he got chatting to Xs mum, how certain are you that 'chatty' mum has it all right and isn't seeing stories where there are none?

Dextrodependant · 31/01/2019 19:44

@Shockers I am not sure on his name, gave him a wide berth but the original mum, the one he had his children with began with an S.

Original poster

debbie1990 · 31/01/2019 19:53

I know I wouldn't in the same scenario. There are good looking single dads, I just would never as it could get so messy and potentially embarrassing or disruptive for the children.

As far as wanting him to sob about me moving on (?!) In the OP I did say we have both dated before. Neither of us were jealous or upset and we both knew if the other was having a date because the other would have the children. This is not about him dating it's about WHO he is chosing.

OP posts:

MoonxSafari · 31/01/2019 19:56

You are not being unreasonable at all. I dated a man who was the father of one of DC's friends and he told me way too much about her. It was ridiculous. I had to dissuade him from telling me details that I would not have wanted my own xh to share with an acquaintance.

So no, you are not being ridiculous at all and men are more than capable of opening their mouths and letting a stream of biased chit chat that ought to be private pass their lips.

You have all of my sympathies.

NashvilleQueen · 31/01/2019 19:59

I’d advise you to let it go because there is nothing you can do about it. Totally up to him and it will look odd if you say something to him.

Lots of parents in our school have split and met new partners. Some are other single school parents. It might be a discussion point for about ten mins for some but after that people just accept it and move on

Original poster

debbie1990 · 31/01/2019 20:27

I suppose it might feel different if it were another parent from another class or another year I just feel a bit weird that it's a woman I see twice every day and we stand and chat with the same group in the same area. Most that have been around since nursery so have seen me and ex as a couple. And I just keep getting carried away with myself that if it does come to something and ends nasty it could really affect everyone. I'm just a really private person and wish he would have chosen someone who I don't see and socialise with daily.

People find others attractive all the time but know it isn't appropriate, I just know in my heart if a dad of a parent (whose exW I chatted to most days) came on to me I would instantly reject the advances, for respect of my ex who might not want to see who I'm dating, and to avoid the feeling of everyone knowing my business. And to avoid any tension or awkwardness between the children and all the ex partners.

OP posts:

Original poster

debbie1990 · 31/01/2019 20:31

He does the school run usually once a week, occasionally twice and really they met because she was a mum I chatted to first. I had never noticed any flirting or interest between them really.

Our DC are friends, not best friends like coming over for tea but both will play together at playtime and sometimes come out chatting so it's weird that at some stage both DC have come out together, ex has practically walked her home and then with all our DC present has asked her number.

OP posts:

SuperMam123 · 31/01/2019 20:44

I think you should butt out to be honest for risk of coming across jealous. I don't think that you are but you don't want others talking behind your back. I really don't think it will be awkward for your children at all, maybe a little for you but is it really going to affect your life? I doubt it so long as you and exP stay civil.

Catscratchclub · 31/01/2019 20:45

I dated a dad from school gates. We didn’t tell anyone for a year - but it felt very much like dating in a goldfish bowl once people found out. I was friends with his ex separately - she had another long term partner anyway, and was genuinely happy for us. That said, when we split up it was HARD. I still see his kids every day and I miss them, I still see him most days and I just want to forget him, people tried to take sides and he hated that (he hit me, so my friends were very protective) it was just messy..... and this was a very private relationship, not one we paraded. So whilst I don’t think you can do much about it, I totally understand why you have concerns.

MorningsEleven · 31/01/2019 20:49

I agree that technically you can't do anything but I wouldn't be delighted - it's a bit close to home and people will gossip.

anniehm · 31/01/2019 20:54

A bit awkward but not unsurprising as he does the school run too, no different to you meeting a single dad at the school gates

Original poster

debbie1990 · 31/01/2019 21:00

Meeting a single dad in the park, shopping centre or whatever would be one thing but I would find it odd after spending 4 years chatting with a mum at the school gates if her ex husband walked me home chatted me up and asked my number and I would immediatley shut it down as it just seems to push too many boundaries for me. Even if I was attracted to him.

It makes it awkward for me around her, her ex around my ex and awkward all around knowing everyone's business is known around school and it may get back to the children who could find it embarrassing or be pushed into seeing/knowing about a partner before they would do if she wasn't a school mum as they aren't stupid and would pick up on things.

OP posts:

Baconmaker · 31/01/2019 21:02

I don't think you can intervene but it's totally understandable that you don't like it, I wouldn't either. Depending on your relationship with ex if the relationship progresses you could ask him if he minds keeping it separate from the kids.

SpinneyHill · 31/01/2019 21:26

It's a bit off to be flirting and exchanging numbers around the kids school day, it has the potential to get bloody messy as well.
I wouldn't want to hear about (or be confronted with) my dad's new love life , new family set up (if it gets to that) or his faults and relationship breakdowns at school from her kids with the school mum also gossiping about my family. That would be shit.

It's entirely reasonable to be uncomfortable or Anti-the idea as it could cause problems for the kids in their school life.
But you can't stop it

SpinneyHill · 31/01/2019 21:32

but I would find it odd after spending 4 years chatting with a mum at the school gates if her ex husband walked me home chatted me up and asked my number

Odd is polite. I'd tell him to piss off, you don't poop on your own doorstep or chat people up on the school run.
I wonder if the kids were Cringing...

tillytrotter1 · 31/01/2019 21:36

He was probably glad to split up if were so controlling of his life when you were together! It's really none of your business, do you seek his aproval when you meet someone new?

Petalflowers · 31/01/2019 21:43

You’ve been split two years. ‘I’m sorry you are being unreasonable. You can’t control who he dates. Its not inappropriate at all.

One of my friends married a single dad. Two of the children were in the same class at school.They have now been together ten years and are very happy together.

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