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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want ex dating school mum

120 replies

debbie1990 · 31/01/2019 16:44

We have 2 DS's together, split 2 years ago and we both have had a few dates, nothing major and both are single. There is no chance of reconciliation and there genuinely is no feelings there but we are friendly for DS's.

Another school mum stopped me this morning and said that it's so nice I was so chilled about exP and "Jane" . I was a bit confused and asked what she meant, apparently when exP picks up the children they've been all walking home together, despite exP home in the other direction and have now swapped numbers and have been talking.

I know it's up to exP who he dates but it feels a bit embarrassing so close to home, it would also be weird for the children who know her as x's mum. If all doesn't go to plan won't it make it awkward for everyone involved?

I feel a bit miffed of all the women at the world he is chasing one that I know. Do I just butt out and hope the talking comes to nothing??

OP posts:
Original poster
debbie1990 · 31/01/2019 21:47

tillytrotter did you even read my OP? Confused

We have been split for two years, in that time we have both been on a few dates, and we have both been "seeing" someone at points. I've not been controlling and we have both been moving on, this isn't me being jealous or controlling of him courting someone, it's more the fact it is literally on my doorstep forcing me into seeing (and hearing) how it all plays out when ordinarily the childnren and I (As an ex) wouldn't need to know of his romantic life until it reached a point he would introduce them.

OP posts:
CatsPawsAndWhiskers · 31/01/2019 22:21

OP, I think people must be deliberately misinterpreting what you said, saying you are controlling etc. I wouldn't like this and nobody I know would either. It's weird and potentially messy for everyone involved especially all the children.

If he's not clever enough to work that out for himself or too selfish to care then unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do. Just hope it 'fizzles out'.

VWpurse · 31/01/2019 22:30

It’s awkward for her too. You know all your ex’s secrets and bad habits that she’ll be putting up with if they get together.

The children won’t know any different, it’s the new normal to them.

What happened to her DP if she had one?

Seriously, people will think SHE’S the weird one, not you, she’s getting someone else’s discarded husband. Just rose above it.

She’s the weirdo, he’s the player, you be the cool one Smile

VWpurse · 31/01/2019 22:30

rise above it...

CatsPawsAndWhiskers · 31/01/2019 22:37

VWpurse

That made me laugh.

whatacrapusername2306 · 31/01/2019 22:37

Good grief, some nasty and unnecessary comments aimed at the OP. Everyone is different. I would personally hate it. Not the fact he was dating, but the fact it was a situation you couldn’t avoid being at your child’s school.My DC’s school is a haven for gossip. Im an introvert and would detest being the talking point for whatever reason. Nobody, however amicable the spilt, wants to see their ex and new partner on a regular basis. It’s uncomfortable.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2019 22:43

Jane is clearly interested, because I wouldn't date a man whose Ex I had known for 4 years as school mums.

If he asked for her number.. he may have got a signal from her.

She didn't have to give it to him...but she did and from the sounds of things has taken it further.

The mum who told you was indeed shit stirring.

Original poster
debbie1990 · 31/01/2019 22:51

Ex has the DC tonight until tommorow and posted a photo of youngest DS at dinner and she has liked it so they are obviously now following each other on social media, I just feel so uncomfortable by it, just seems so close to home that she's seen and chatted to the DC whilst he's been with me waiting for the older ones and now she is liking it from his perspective?

Her and her exP split within the last couple of months and he also regularly does pick ups/drop offs. my ex and her ex have actually got on well before at birthday parties.

I am thinking of bringing it into conversation when he drops back DC tommorow something like I didn't realise you had gotten chatting to Jane....

OP posts:
VWpurse · 31/01/2019 23:02

Just tell him there is gossip in the playground, did he know

Nicknacky · 31/01/2019 23:02

Honestly, stay out it. Would you like your ex “bringing into” conversation people you had been talking to?

PenelopeChipShop · 31/01/2019 23:49

I can’t beleive the responses you’ve had here! I would hate this and I reckon most people would. I am a single parent but ‘luckily’ for me my ex has no involvement with the school!

However at a kids party one time I was chatting to a dad and felt attracted to him (purely theoretically, I mean this is Saturday morning in soft play) and was getting similar vibes. When I realised he must be the ex of a mum in my ds’s class I ran a mile! No way would I go there, we’ve got years to go at the school gates! Hello this is what tinder is for people!

All that said, in your shoes I would play it very cool and don’t ask anything!! There’s nothing you can do and you don’t want to look as if you care x

Parthenope · 01/02/2019 00:09

just imo a bit of a lack of respect as it's kind of putting his relationship/ dating right for all I know to see

The key word is his relationship, though. Not yours. In the nicest possible way, I think you've got the typical self-centredness of the selfconscious or shy person when in fact it isn't all about you, not everyone's looking at you/talking about you, they give you the occasional passing thought, the same as you do them, and unless you start pulling the other woman's hair in the middle of the playground while rolling around on the ground, it'll be an item of mild general interest for a couple of days, and then be forgotten.

It's quite usual for people to date people from the same circles, you know. About half the members of a close NCT group my friend was in when her now-16-year-old was a baby, and which remained friends longterm, have split up with their original spouses/partners and are seeing another group member, in some cases after an affair. Now that's genuinely a bit claustrophobic.

VWpurse · 01/02/2019 00:12

About half the members of a close NCT group my friend was in when her now-16-year-old was a baby, and which remained friends longterm, have split up with their original spouses/partners and are seeing another group member, in some cases after an affair. Now that's genuinely a bit claustrophobic.

Huh? Half the members of an nct group have split with their partners and are dating other members of the group?

That’s weird.

Parthenope · 01/02/2019 00:28

Yup. Fairly tight-knit group in the same part of a university city where we were all postgrad students -- I moved away, my friend stayed on and had her first child there, so got to know this NCT group well, and though she eventually left, too, she's still in touch with one of them, and apparently several marriages within the group have ended, and some people have 'reshuffled' with other members.

BeekyChitch · 01/02/2019 00:29

YABVU. You need to let them get on with whatever they're doing. They may be just friends and school mum is gossiping or there may be truth to it. Either way let it lie. If you enjoy your privacy then don't get involved in other people's business it just draws attention to yourself.

Senioritafamiglia · 01/02/2019 05:04

I think it's off key, totally awkward for everyone, potentially confusing for the kids as well as having the potential for major fall out. However, none of this is to do with you. Jane owes you nothing either tbh although I can see why you would be put out.
Keep well out of it if you can and just wish him well in your own mind.

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2019 05:24

I really think you're over thinking and catastophisising way way too much.

The kids get on fine, they are both adults and one would assume can manage to date without impacting involving the kids unless they need to. Right now they can just tell them they are friends, and everyone else.

The only person who is a problem here is you. Why would it be awkward to talk to her? Would you feel awkward with any other woman he dated? All this daft talk about how you could never do it. It's dating. It's not eating new born puppies.

I suspect you've not moved on as much as you'd like to think,💐

KC225 · 01/02/2019 06:26

I am with you on this one OP. Although, itsSS easy to type 'its none of your business etc.'. IT IS CRINGE. You don't shit where you eat. Was the mum who mentioned it a shit stirrer or was she fining you the heads up?

If the other mums have noticed it then the kids will know about it soon. I can't I agine many kids enjoying that scenario. If the new girlfriend is recently separated than there every possibility this is a rebound fling and could end awkwardly.

I would mention it this weekend. Tell him you were approached by a mum and ask him if its true.

Original poster
debbie1990 · 01/02/2019 07:46

My youngest DC this will probably go over his head but my eldest is quite switched on and would pick up on things and he is quite like me I know he will find this embarrassing. I'm sure he picked up on his dad walking the wrong way and chatting her up. I don't think he was thinking of them at all and just fancied her without thinking of consequences.

I'm awkward around this woman because if I met another woman he was dating it would be 1)because they'd gotten fairly serious and 2) be with ex and just polite we wouldn't be "friends". This is a woman I would usually just make chit chat with about the DC I now feel awkward knowing she is possibly after my ex, who she met as the man I was with and the father of my children if you see what I mean. She knows the family dynamics etc.

I don't know how her ex will take it as it's not amicable between the two of them and that has the potential to kick off more so that between us mum's. All the events at school, school plays etc. just all feels too close for comfort if either it does go somewhere or what happens if it all goes sour. So many potential scenarios which would be the reason I would have immediately steered clear.

I think I will just see if there is a way to bring it into conversation, I don't think he would take it as being jealous as in the past I have been very reasonable and we have both been pretty open. It's not about him dating it's purely about who.

OP posts:
Original poster
debbie1990 · 01/02/2019 07:47

And for those who suggested me controlling I know I could never tell him what to do, but I don't see the harm in saying that someone approached me at school, won't pass my judgement but that might give him a heads up to how this could pan out for us all.

OP posts:
CatsPawsAndWhiskers · 01/02/2019 08:54

but I don't see the harm in saying that someone approached me at school, won't pass my judgement but that might give him a heads up to how this could pan out for us all.

I think that's reasonable. At the very least he may think about being a bit more discreet for the sake of the children.

Somethingsmellsnice · 01/02/2019 09:09

Seriously I would not say anything to him until he says anything to you about her. It will make you look jealous.

If and when he does just say oh yes I had heard rumours but assumed they must be wrong. If you push against it he may be more likely to carry on. If younact mot bothered it will either run its course or they will end up as a proper couple and really either way shouldn't bother you! Also I think kids are more resilient than you think and also couldn't care less.

OutPinked · 01/02/2019 09:13

I’ve heard of a few people meeting like this. Honestly, you relented any say when you broke up. However embarrassing it is, it’s out of your control.

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2019 09:21

Op, seriously, alll you're doing is grasping at reasons he should not go out with her.

It could well work out, the kids could be happy, they are friends anyway, and he and she are adults who need to be able to be trusted to manage their relationship appropriately.

All you will sound is jealous to him, and to her, because he will likely tell her.

I think the fact you are so deeply uncomfortable in meeting a woman he is dating, and I think it's any woman honestly, not just this one, is the issue here. Stop searching for reasons he shouldn't go outnwith her, and think about why you're so desperate to find those reasons.

I've no doubt you will mention it to him, I've no doubt he will downplay it, and I've no doubt he will do exactly as he pleases anyway.

Original poster
debbie1990 · 01/02/2019 12:00

There's a difference between meeting a woman he is dating and having known her for 4 years and then having it play out in front of me.

I don't have a say but even after splitting, when there is children involved there still should be a level of respect that would stop you going after certain people for the sake of your children and ex partners. Children are resilient but I just can't see it working out between them and it all just causing drama all around.

I don't think it would come across jealous by asking and he could tell her if she wanted as she will know soon enough (or does already) that she is gossip of the class.

OP posts:
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