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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you have 2 children close together?

90 replies

ATouchOfColdFeet · 31/01/2019 14:29

And how did you find juggling it all?

NC in case DP finds this thread...
DD is currently 5 months and DP is already on about having another, and although I have a bit of baby fever I'm not sure if now is the right time (if there is even such a thing). I'm full of anxiety over the decision, my main worry being how DD will feel if we were to have another baby, will she feel pushed out? Will she be resentful as she would have no memories of a life without a sibling?

Then there's the actual anxiety of another pregnancy- I had a terrible time with DD as placenta was anterior meaning I experienced a handful of kicks at best throughout the pregnancy, multiple hospital visits for lack of foetal movement and in the end she was born by emergency c section at 37 weeks due to no movement in 4 days and a heart rate that dipped with every contraction. I saw my consultant last week to check up on further complications due to undiagnosed endometriosis (diagnosed only after c section) that has been irritated by the c section and she told me that my only hope of living pain free was another baby and that a year gap is ideal but not essential.

I'm just so unsure about how I would cope with a new born and dd going through her terrible twos. Would love to hear how others found the experience.

OP posts:
Toomuchworking · 31/01/2019 14:44

I'd wait at least a bit, you must still be exhausted from having a little baby! I've got a 3 year old, 1.5 year old and am 20 weeks with a surprise baby. I also work from home so have basically been knackered for 4 years but love it (mostly!).
Not much advice really, but I'm no wonder woman and cope fine. I found number 1 got much more independent when out after I had number 2 as she had to go off and play unless she wanted to hang around exhausted me and velcro baby.
It's good in that they're close in age so already play together.
Just be ready for life to be a blur, exhausting, frustrating and delightful.

KateGrey · 31/01/2019 14:46

I have two who are 13 months apart. It’s great now they’re older but was pretty hard going when they were younger.

stressystressy · 31/01/2019 14:52

I am 13 months older than my brother. My mum often talks about how she feels she missed out on the special time with me, and felt sorry for me as a toddler because I’d have to find something to amuse myself practically all of the time.

I can’t say it ever did me any harm as my brother and I were super close growing up. Far closer than I have ever been with the two subsequent siblings.

O4FS · 31/01/2019 15:00

I have 4 - 14 months between the first two (then 20 months then 2.5 years).

I found going from one to two hard. DC1 went from tiny baby to hulking great toddler over night and I felt so sad and terribly guilty. I think that guilt must have impacted my feelings for DC2. Took me a lot longer to bond. But, once I did (it took a few months) everything was fine. It was like having two babies, they pretty quickly did everything at the same time and together.

It was so good we went for DC3, and that transition was far, far easier. DC1 had just turned 3 when dc3 was born.

A newborn with a three year old is a much easier prospect.

I would say close together or three years apart is my ideal.

DC1 and 2 are a year apart at school. So it’s a few years of GCSEs and A levels to get through now. I didn’t think of that what I asked myself the same question you are asking now 🙄

FridgeFullOfChocolate · 31/01/2019 15:01

I have 18 months between mine, they’ve just turned 3 and 18months. Our second was a surprise, well 6 months earlier than we had planned but we were thrilled once we’d got our heads around it all. It has been tough at times if I’m honest and still is in many ways. I breastfed both (still feeding the second) so I’m still up around the clock. The youngest has never slept longer than 3 hours since birth, so I’m in a state of constant tiredness. I never stop, I’m also trying to juggle having a job so it isn’t easy. Although it is tough I do love it in many ways, they like the same things and now play together. If it wasn’t for career reasons I’d have our third in the next 12 months, but I have to wait until next year, so it can’t be so bad if I still want to add to the chaos!

I don’t think there’s a right answer to the best time to have a second or indeed a third, I think you just make the best of it whatever your age gap. One thing I would say though is to consider childcare and the costs, we are in a very fortunate position where we have family very close, willing and able to do it for free, if I had to put both children in nursery it’d cost me £500 a week where we are. It’s a lot of money even if you have a good income.

movinonup · 31/01/2019 15:10

There are 21 months between my two.
Having them so close together caused me health problems but I would do the same again.

DD was too little to really feel pushed out and they love each other (When they're not bashing each other :) )

waitingforthenextbus · 31/01/2019 15:14

I had a newborn and a 2 year old and don’t regret it for a second! The older one doesn’t remember when his little sister wasn’t around and the younger one worships her brother. They are incredibly close and rarely fight or argue. It’s was okay when they were tiny too, I found it almost easy to just crack in with the chaos and get the baby phase out of the way for the both of them.
Our decision was influenced by my age (!) didn’t really have time to hang around for a few years but in hindsight I think I would have probably done the same anyway.

Kenworthington · 31/01/2019 15:18

I have theee but my younger two are 23 months apart. They are teenagers now and get on really well. They all mix together and with each other’s pals. They are boy and girl. Eldest D.C. is 4 years age gap and it was too much for them to be ‘close’

Shazafied · 31/01/2019 15:24

Following as an 6m pregnant and have a 13mo ! I’m knackered and it’s all starting to sink in now ... nervous !! Xx

funnystory · 31/01/2019 15:30

I have a 13 month age gap between mine. It's definitely hard work for the first year, at which point I found things started to get easier and much more enjoyable. I love the age gap and am glad we went for it and now have all the pregnancy and baby stages out of the way (we're not planning to have any more) and can focus on the stages they're now at. I'm hoping as they get older, activities etc will be easier as they'll hopefully be able to do similar things.

I think everyone has some feelings of guilt when they're pregnant with their second child, about the impact on the eldest, no matter what the age gap. I certainly did, but once you see how much they love each other (most of the time!) that all disappears.

But saying that, I think every age gap has its pros and cons, I don't think there's a perfect age gap.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 31/01/2019 15:32

It's not up to your dp when you have another baby. If you were to fall pregnant quickly you could have 2 children under 18 months apart which is very hard going! Put your foot down and say you'll think about it in a year's time. Most people these days seem to space their children 2 - 4 years apart which is way more sensible imo.

Original poster
ATouchOfColdFeet · 31/01/2019 15:34

Thank you all so much for your replies, I'm so glad that having 2 very close together isn't as rare as I thought! It makes me feel a little bit better that I'll not be judged so much if we do decide to go forward with another soon. I suppose a lot of it might just be mum guilt that dd would resent me.

My other qyestion would be is it still possible to do classes like baby sensory and playgroup when you have 2 in tow? (I'm probably over thinking it all!) I've enjoyed doing these with DD but not sure how I would accommodate her at 20 months + if attending classes with newborn.

OP posts:
DragonKiller · 31/01/2019 15:35

Mine are just under 18 months apart and, although there were times in DD2's first year which were hellish, I love how close they are which is great for them and also means that you can buy toys and organise activities that work for both. The only regret is that I'd have maybe liked some more time for DD1 to be an only child as it meant I could have done a more laid back strategy when she was young, when you have more time to explain things to them and work WITH them more as you don't have an additional younger child to contend with at the same time.
Saying that, DD2 would never have gotten that chance anyway so it's not a very good reason.

Hillarious · 31/01/2019 15:40

At one stage I had three under the age of four. It was hard work, but it was my only experience of what having babies was like. I just got on with it.

I now have DC who are 21, 20 and 18 who get on together fabulously. Any guilt feelings of a lack on one to one time quickly disappeared because they get so much out of being so close to each other.

DH was feeling smug the other night about the fact that they still like to go on holiday with us, until I pointed out that they're on holiday with each other and that he's buying the beers!

Hillarious · 31/01/2019 15:43

It's swings and roundabouts, OP. There's no perfect solution for anyone. Just focus on enjoying what you have.

Namechange8471 · 31/01/2019 15:46

You're clearly not ready, calm down.

FWIW I'm only just CONSIDERING a second child . Mmly dd is 10, you have plenty of time.

O4FS · 31/01/2019 15:57

I do look back now and think ‘how the hell did I manage? What was I thinking?’ But I loved it at the time. I’m late ‘40s now and so very tired so it looks impossible now. But it wasn’t. It was lovely.

mistermagpie · 31/01/2019 15:58

There are 20 months between my two. In my case, no things like baby massage, baby sensory etc simply did not happen with the second one. I just found it too stressful and it wasn't really appropriate to drag a toddler to baby classes. The reverse was fine though, so the baby came to toddler groups and classes and either slept through it or pottered about himself when he got a bit bigger. My eldest is 3.5 now and youngest is nearly two and we have really turned a corner recently, especially since the youngest has started talking. They can play together much easier and really enjoy each other's company.

The first year was HARD though, I won't like. But my second was a difficult baby to be honest and still doesn't sleep, so he probably would have been hard work on his own!

I've no regrets though and actually planned them to be closer together but Mother Nature decided the timeline!

Nnnnnineteen · 31/01/2019 16:32

My brother and I are v close in age. I hated it growing up! Makes no difference now we are adults obviously but I would have much preferred him to be a bit less close in age.

thatsmyspace · 31/01/2019 16:34

10 Months between my oldest 2, both born in 2002

PhilomenaButterfly · 31/01/2019 16:37

My first 2 are 14 months apart. DS1 decided he couldn't feed himself anymore, so I was spoonfeeding him and bfing DD1 at the same time. Potty training happened together.

Seline · 31/01/2019 16:41

I have a three year old and twins. It's hard but enjoyable too, I think kids close together is hard at first yet easier long term.

I have horrific pregnancies OP so I sympathise on that front.

Love51 · 31/01/2019 16:43

2 close together is hard on the mother's body.
As for how the children will react, you can't say as you don't get to try a few different ways! Mine are close in age and love it, my best friend has a 7 year gap, and her kids love that!

NotGenerationAlpha · 31/01/2019 16:44

My DB and I are 18 months apart. DM said it was very hard and she thought mine with 3 years apart look much easier.

astridpeth · 31/01/2019 16:47

My oldest 2 are 14 months apart. They were a handful when they were tiny but I don't regret the decision at all. They have played together lovely all through growing up and now at 15 and 16 they are the best of friends. Dd3 is 3 years younger than dd2 and ds1 is 3 years younger again than dd3. I actually prefer the smaller age gap as I have found the 2 girls were and are so close that they barely ever argue or fight. Whereas the younger 2 squabble like mad.