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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

403 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 13:30

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 11/02/2019 10:25

I'm doing my best I can and will call woman's aid again tonight whilst he's out. He's just told me he's booked an early dinner out tonight for us and the kids before he goes to training. I'll go along, but I'll keep looking after myself and kids and make plans with my friends. I'm working on becoming independent whilst I get everything organised to leave. I am being pleasant with him, but I am also pulling him up on anything I do not like. He spoke down to me yesterday in front of my family and I pulled him up on it right away, which shocked him. I have been a door mat for too long and I am not scared of him.

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 11/02/2019 10:44

Keep up the great work! Have you got somewhere to live when you start out on your own?

Glitterandunicorns · 11/02/2019 11:45

Good for you for challenging his behaviour, @nowheretorunorhide.
I know you said you'd called Women's Aid before. How come you're phoning them today?

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 11/02/2019 12:19

@Ella1980 right now I have no where to go but a local DV charity is calling me after a referral from the police. I could stay with my sister a couple of days, but otherwise I am a bit of a loss.

@Glitterandunicorns I have spoken to them a few times and they keep giving me the courage to follow through with my plans to leave. As I have BPD I second guess everything and need the reassurance I think. This thread is also helping me. I'm very weak emotionally, but I am trying my best to overcome this and follow through with this.

OP posts:
Glitterandunicorns · 11/02/2019 13:43

@nowheretorunorhide is it worth speaking to Shelter? I believe they can help people who have housing emergencies (which let's be fair, you do).

That's good that Women's Aid are able to reassure you. Have you got a confirmed date when you're going to leave? I do worry in these situations because it's so easy to say just one more day or one more week or I still need to do x y or z.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 11/02/2019 14:35

I have a date I am working towards. He'll be away for a whole weekend. I'll have a look into speaking with shelter. It's all so scary, the unknown that is.

OP posts:
Glitterandunicorns · 11/02/2019 15:25

Good for you, OP! I appreciate that the unknown must be very scary. You're doing so well though, and I know you'll look back and be glad you left. You're so brave and your kids will be much happier and safer in the long run too.

NannyRed · 11/02/2019 15:55

He sounds vile (because he is vile)

Dump his sorry arse next time he “threatens break up”

You really are worth so much more.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 12/02/2019 09:39

He's love bombing me majorly with lovely gifts, thoughtful card and expensive meal last night for an early valentines, it was actually nauseating. I know it's all fake and a way to butter me up. I also found a ring in a box in our room. Need to leave before he even attempts the proposal.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 15/02/2019 11:22

It has got much worse. All my suspicions have been confirmed and it's much worse than I ever thought. He is a very dangerous man and I need to be careful leaving. His ex partner has told me everything and she hasn't been the only one who has had these problems with him. My exit plan is in place and family, friends and local services are helping me. Getting out when he's not around is proving difficult though.

OP posts:
PedroHasLostHisGlassesAgain · 15/02/2019 11:36

This sounds awful op, he sounds vile. You deserve alot better. Can you get as many friends and family to come round to help you pack your stuff? He can't start anything or stop you if there are lots of people there. Sorry can't give better advice.

RandomMess · 15/02/2019 11:43

Do you have a relative that isn't local that could suddenly become unwell thAt you and the DC need to visit (without him)?

MyNameIsArthur · 15/02/2019 11:59

I am sorry you are going through all this OP. It must be very frightening for you but you are doing the right thing by getting away from this horrible abusive man.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 15/02/2019 12:03

It's not that simple, he is very dangerous and I need a full proof plan to leave, which I am sorting with the local charities. I can't deal with confrontation with him as I don't know what he could do. I can't go to anyone I knows house as he knows where they live and will go to them. I'm viewing a house Monday that's available now. I am being very careful about how I approach this as he will stalk, follow, threaten me, threaten suicide and even act it out (think jumping off a bridge and having a motorway closed), he has even tried to run his ex over. My work know and have been made aware of the fact he'll probably come here too. I'm doing this secretly to make sure me and my children are as safe as possible and they don't need to witness any of this.

OP posts:
Omzlas · 15/02/2019 12:18

I've been thinking about you OP, just wondered how you are Flowers

RandomMess · 15/02/2019 12:23

Remember the refuge is a viable option Thanks

PedroHasLostHisGlassesAgain · 15/02/2019 13:56

Does he look at your phone to view your texts, emails, your viewing history or your mumsnet account. Make sure you delete texts and emails (and clear the deleted box), clear your internet history so he can't find out what your planning or about the new house your looking at and log out of mumsnet so he can't see the threads you are on etc. Also could you secretly record on your phone any of the things he says that could be used as evidence against him for the police?

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 15/02/2019 23:17

There is no way he can get on my phone and I log out of everything I use. For looking at a house I’m now using my secret phone which is hidden or at work. I’ve been very careful that nothing can now be tracked. He’s being the perfect boyfriend and I think he knows I am distant with him. It’s hard keeping up the pretence.

OP posts:
ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 17/02/2019 21:05

Sorry I have just checked back, I am so sorry that things are so much worse than you originally feared! I am so glad that you chose to seek out that information! I hope that the police will be as supportive as possible and help oversee your moving out.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 18/02/2019 08:53

Hello all. I have found folders saved with nude pictures of me and also a folder titled 'proof' with screen shots of conversations about anything personal I have told him and that could be used against me. It's like he has a plan already in case I try to leave. He makes my skin crawl and I feel sick having to keep up the pretence that everything is ok. I know he's going to make my life hell. This is three ex's he has harassed and he seems to have got smarter on how to do it on each one. I'm honestly so scared

OP posts:
kbPOW · 18/02/2019 09:15

You are doing brilliantly. You know exactly who he is now. If he questions you or puts you on the spot, use your MH as an excuse. Say you feel a bit strange/don't feel like yourself and maybe say you're going to see a CPN/GP/psychiatrist. Thank him for looking out for you (I know!). Stay safe and I hope your plan is to leave soon. The only important thing is the safety of you and your DCs. If you have to ditch your plan and leave immediately, just do it.

Beachvibes · 18/02/2019 09:20

You and your children deserve better Flowers

thickgit · 18/02/2019 09:30

All the best and take care

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 18/02/2019 11:09

@kbPOW that's a great excuse actually. I don't even want to return each day from work and see him, let alone share a bed with him. I view a house today for me and my children, so hopefully once that's sorted I can leave. I think it might be a case of leaving some of my stuff though. I've been in touch with the local DV charity and see them in two weeks to make a safety plan (frustrated they don't have anything sooner). I'm awaiting a call on some legal advice. It's highly likely he will sue me on anything he purchased for me in the relationship.

OP posts:
ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 18/02/2019 11:16

Is it possible to remove the files from the computer? I would be asking the police for advice on this- especially if he plans to blackmail you!