Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

[nowheretorunorhide]

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

Well the applications for clares law was done last night. Going to try and call on my lunch break and get some advice from the local charity. Feel so drained and not sleeping well. I'm getting so paranoid too. I worry he knows exactly what i'm planning as he is being very loving toward me. My phone or ipad aren't out my sight and have passcodes he cannot know and I've taken everything off my laptop and changed passwords too. I'm still acting the same, as much as I can be. We had the HV over yesterday to see my son and he was putting on such an act in front of her about what a caring and loving step dad he is. I know it's all an act now and he is just an abusive manipulator.

Thinking of you OP, I want to apologise, I was not trying to excuse your p’s behaviour by suggesting he was perhaps a sociopath or narcissist- if anything I wanted to show you that he sounds a very dangerous and manipulative man! You are absolutely doing the right thing by getting everything in order to leave.

In your shoes I would put the Claire’s Law application to the back of your mind! You know what and who your partner is! He is a dangerous and abusive man, you don’t need to know his history to know this (although yes it will help to confirm why it is so important that you leave him in the first place). I would work with Woman’s Aid, your friends, family and the local authority where you plan to move. Speak to your ex and ask if he will perhaps store your boys toys/ clothing/ furniture and take your boys on the day that you plan to move out.

@ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser I found it all very interesting actually so thank you.

Police called again and need to go to a station in another town, where I have never been tonight, so have no choice, but to take my phone and hopefully turn off location settings and hope he doesn't notice why. I need to call station when I arrive and need it for the maps. I did print off google maps, but I'm useless and can't figure it out. They are helping me with advice and what I want to do next and sending me in the right direction for help. I have also registered my phone with 999 so I can text in an emergency and get help sent.

That sounds really positive! Do you have childcare so you can go tonight? Good luck! I hope that the police can support you so that you can leave safely!

It should be easy enough to turn off sharing your location - you tube is your friend if you forget how to do that!

I left the kids with my partner and he put them to bed whilst I was out. They've said they will get information to me asap as I have a date in mind to leave in about 5 weeks. They have done a referral to the local DV charity to support me and they have put a marker on the address if I need to call 999.

I just need to try and learn how to fall out of love with him. I know he's emotionally abusive and making my life painful, but why am I stupid enough to still love him. I just want to feel nothing for him and put my emotions aside.

Read up on co-dependency.

I'm aware of my co-dependency and i'm sure my BPD doesn't help. I've started the freedom program.

The Freedom Program sounds like a great idea. Good for you, OP!

He keeps telling me I should leave him as i'm not happy. He's been gaming a lot to the early hours of the morning keeping me up, so I asked him nicely to stop as i'm exhausted. No apology, just if I want to go then go, as he has MH problems and needs to game. I'm not even engaging and staying somewhere else tonight.

Well done OP, do you think he means it when he says to go? Or do you think he is manipulating you again? He knows that you love him and he has been love bombing you the last few days since you started pulling away yes? Just be careful, he might be saying one thing but meaning another!

I don’t think you can turn your heart off, certainly not when he is constantly love bombing you. Just try to focus on your head, you know that you need to leave. Your heart will hopefully begin to close to him when you have left and you have space and clarity! Hopefully the freedom programme will help you realise that the man you love never existed, he is just a mask that he wore to lure you into his abuse cycle, the real him is his abusive side- the dark parts that he will cover up with the mask every time he realises he has gone too far.

You need to recognise it isn't live that you feel for him it's the fear of him abandoning you

You are doing the right thing but I know how hard it is. I was abused by my ex for a decade but because it was everything but physical the police said they couldn't help me. It sounds like you've got support and that's awesome. It is about time non-physical domestic violence was recognised and dealt with because, trust me, the impact is horrific. You're not alone xx

Hi @Ella1980. I'm so sorry you experienced that. Thankfully, in 2015, the law changed to make coercive control and other sorts of non-physical domestic violence illegal. (Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015).

@Glitterandunicorns
They may have said that in theory, but my case(s) were between 2014-2018 and not once was it recognised or even acknowledged 😢 I continue to be bullied, even if far more remotely.

I'm so sorry to hear that, @Ella1980. It sounds like you've been let down. Have you tried pursuing anything with regards to your current bullying experience? I promise there are so many officers who take this stuff really seriously and who will help you to address it, even if this hasn't been your experience before.
You sound like a really strong lady. I wish you a happy future.

@Glitterandunicorns
When I first left because it had just got too scary I was told by my solicitor report it to the police. A WPC came out to speak to me at my parents' house and asked me "Can you show me any injuries? Unless you can show me something like a bruise there's nothing I can do". I will never forget that. I felt like I was wasting her time and being silly for reporting his behaviour. It still haunts me to this day.

Wow that's rubbish Ella. I have been dealing with the domestic abuse team and they have been amazing. I haven't really told them much and kept my cards close to my chest right now.

He's back to lovebombing again now. I went out and did my own thing with a friend this evening and have plans tomorrow day with a group of friends and again out in the evening. I'm finding the freedom program really interesting and feel like I've got some power back.

@nowheretorunorhide Good for you! He will try whatever he can to get you back and make you doubt yourself-stay strong!
My ex used threats constantly. He told me he'd leave me penniless and that I'd never see my kids if I did leave. Sadly, he was mostly right. He even took one of our sons (he was just 6 at the time) at one point away for a week without telling me where they were as "punishment". He applied for full custody of the kids and got exactly 50:50 (I don't think I will ever come to terms with this as it was done again purely to punish me). He has taken me to court at least five times in total for various different things.
My decision to leave has taken its toll, especially mentally. He succeeded, and continues to succeed, with huge financial control. He tries his hardest to turn our boys away from me. He continues to try to bully me, mostly via text message. I still struggle with insomnia and have very dark days. If I'm being totally honest, my biggest regret was that I didn't wait until he'd hit me. People would have listened then. Maybe we wouldn't still be in a damp rented two-bed five years on while he remains in the five-bed and four-bathroom family home. Maybe he'd have had to have contributed in some way towards our children when they are in my care. Maybe I wouldn't suffer from flashbacks and anxiety in quite such a life-affecting way.
My greatest wish for the future is that nobody has to suffer like this for finding the strength to leave their abuser. I'm receiving weekly counselling which is slowly allowing me to recognise that none of this was my fault, that I'm not the failure I still often assume myself to be. I'm working with my local MP and in frequent conversation with Women's Aid to fight for change and I won't give up. From what I'm hearing it appears that change is finally coming and that fills me with relief for others.
BUT despite all of this I cannot and do not regret my new life. I can make decisions, I can express my point of view, I can wear the clothes I like, I can have friends, my parents can see their grandsons, I can fight for change; I am free.
I was single for three years and realised I didn't need my ex or his money-I learned to be entirely independent. He hated that.
Now I have a fiance and although I struggle to trust again I know what it is to be loved and in a healthy relationship. My boys are secure, happy and have a wonderful stepdad (fiance was never blessed with children of his own so he values he relationship he has with my two immensely). We are money poor but love rich. I would choose it that way around a million times over.
You've got this and I promise you that you are making the right decision to stand on your own two feet. They may be wobbly at first and there will be stumbles along the way but one day you will feel taller than you ever thought possible

@Ella1980 that officer sounds like she needed some better training on how to deal with this kind of thing. I'm so sorry that you were treated that way.
I'm so glad that despite challenging circumstances that you're happy and have found a person who treats you and your children well. I wish you continued happiness in the future.

@nowheretorunorhide I'm so pleased you've found your domestic abuse team helpful. I know it's hard to speak to people about what you've experienced but if they know the full extent of the situation, they can provide you with better advice and help.
I'm pleased you're going out more and are finding the Freedom Program helpful too. Take care of yourself.

@Ella1980 wow Ella he sounds like a pig. It doesn't seem to be that uncommon though. I guess my saving grace is that I haven't had a child with this man as i'm sure he would make my life hell if I was leaving with his child. It always surprises me what people can actually do to another, especially someone you apparently loved and shared so much with.

@Glitterandunicorns the freedom program has been eye opening and helpful. I've spent most the weekend with friends and kept myself busy. He has been very nice again after being horrible Friday, he's also left a receipt out for me to see from a jewellery shop for a lot of money.

I told my sister some of details and she has offered me a place to stay when I need it.

Hi@nowheretorunorhide. That's brilliant that you've been able to share some of your experience with your sister and that she is supportive.

I hope you're able to see now that the "being nice" is just an act and the horrible side is the real him. Leaving a receipt out for a jewellery shop is just another way he's trying to mess with you: you're clearly supposed to think it's a gift for you and what might it be, whereas a normal person would either give you the jewellery or hide the receipt if it was meant to be a surprise.

Take care.

@nowheretorunorhide
Go you! You're doing really well.

I second what somebody said about location on your mobile-I had this on when I first left and discovered later on ex was following me in his car every time I went out. Again, pure control!

The jewellery thing is to say "Oooooh look what I can buy you". Unfortunately things like love and respect are priceless. No amount of material possessions will ever make up for a lack of those.

Keep your head up and walking forwards 😊