Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

[nowheretorunorhide]

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

Don't leave things because he might sue you. Take what you need. Obviously you won't take his things but you can take things that were gifts. You will never be able to go back and take more and he is highly unlikely to recover anything from you unless you outright steal his stuff.

Not easy to remove as they are saved in various areas and cloud devices. They will also be in his phone too. I think he will come after me for money owed for the holiday.

With regards to the photos and screenshots, I'd erase the entire hard drive. Do this at the last moment before you leave.

He may have emailed copies of he files to himself though, so if you can access his email, check there too.

Ahh sorry, you posted whilst I was typing. If the files are stored in multiple locations, then I would suggest seeking advice from the police as to how you can preempt any attempt at blackmail.

I have deleted in all places I can see, but I don't think I can do anything else to be honest. I'm contacting the police as soon as I leave if anything happens at all.

Stay strong for you and your kids - this thread has made me feel sick.

It makes me feel sick too. I almost had this mans child and could of married him. It's proof though that you do always needs to trust your gut instinct. Now I know he is abusive I can see it all the time and can see the real person behind the mask. It's been very gradual and because he can be so charming and kind it makes you doubt yourself and forgive again. He picked me as I was in a vulnerable place in my life and he knew I was emotionally weak. He learnt everything about me at the start and played the attentive boyfriend, whilst he learnt my weaknesses. I thought he was the man of my dreams and once I was reliant on him, he showed who he really was. I am now desperately trying to get out safely and keep my kids safe. I know the worse is still probably to come and I am mentally preparing myself like I am going into battle. The thing is he doesn't understand loyalty and that I have family and friends around me who will do anything to help me. I'll walk away from this relationship with some damage, but it can be fixed. He will lose me, my children, my friends, a carer, someone to rub his ego and a cleaner. I know I am stronger and better than him and that's my key to survival.

You are so strong to pull away from this awful man. I hope it all goes well for you and your children. I will be thinking of you xxxx

This thread is humbling as well as harrowing. You're a really courageous, admirable woman, OP. Keep safe.

You are amazing OP and have a real inner strength.

How are you nowhere? Have you spoken to the police about the files and photos that he has made of you? If not, I would, even if you have deleted them, they should be retrievable, it could be evidence of intent to bribe/ threaten/ extort/ manipulate you.

I will mention it when I leave. I’m waiting to see a DV charity to help me with my plan but the first appointment isn’t until over a week away. I’m still moving bits over to my parents as and when I can that he won’t notice. I’m keeping busy with friends and the kids and trying to get everything in order. Struggling finding somewhere to rent privately as I’m going to have a little help with UC. My parents are even happy to be guarantees but I’m not having much luck. I know if I do have to leave quickly that I could go to them, but right now I’m avoiding it. My dad is a bit abusive anyway and we don’t get along much. He wants me to leave but can’t really see much of what he’s done is actually that bad

I ended it this morning over text. I didn't tell him anything I knew. He's said sorry, as it was over an argument we had yesterday. I've used it as my excuse to leave easily without explaining why. I feel broken and now need to get my stuff together to leave quickly. I am staying with my sister tonight and trying to figure out what the hell i'm going to do.

One step at a time

I don't actually believe right now he thinks I'm really following through with this. It's so much harder as I have kids involved to sort out and new schools. Right now we have no where to live, but luckily the kids are with their dad this weekend.

That's brilliant news! Well done you!

Can you get your sister and other family to help you to move your stuff this weekend? I don't think you should be doing that on your own, you need your tribe around you to prevent him getting nasty as you move your things.

Well he’s saying he feels suicidal. I’m staying right now as I just can’t move in with anyone and get my daughter to school. No one is close by at all and I’ll struggle getting to school and to work too. I’m looking constantly for a house to rent and waiting for my appointment next week with a domestic violence charity to help me with an exit plan.

Call his bluff with the suicide talk, he's using it to bully you. Offer to phone him an ambulance or ask if he wants you to pass him a sharp knife! It's more emotional manipulation to get you to toe the line and not end it with him and worm his way back in and play the victim.

Are you ok ?

@RandomMess I know it is another form of manipulation and one that he has used many times over in past relationships I have found out. At the moment until I have seen the DV charity and got a plan and can find somewhere to live then I've just got to get on with it. I'll pack some more stuff tonight for my parents house whilst he's out for a couple of hours. I am finding this very emotionally draining and I can see its effecting my MH. I just want a safe home to go to with my children asap.

I went to view a house yesterday and again they are not interested as i'll be getting some help through UC. I'm on the housing list, but not really seeing anything. I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed, I don't even want to exist. I hate my life and it's all my fault I have put my kids in this position. This isn't a pity party, it's just how I feel right now. I just want a safe home to move to for the kids.

Remember a refuge is a viable option

What do you do about working and schools if you go there though?

Speak to WA it may be a case of waiting for one local enough to commute from.