Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

[nowheretorunorhide]

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

It's amazing what I am picking up on now I am more aware. It was like I was blind to it for so long and now it's all making sense. Yes I have got birth certificates and passports safe and out of the house. I have also packed a bag in my car with clothes, toiletries etc if I need a quick escape. I have made plans all weekend with my friends to get away, which I haven't done in so long.

Brilliant news, OP. Good for you!

Well done op, that is fantastic, small steps💐💐💐 you can do this.

Please keep checking in op. You have us all behind you and I am scared for you. Even if you have nothing to say let us know you’re ok

@nowheretorunandhide
You're doing brilliantly!
Just some practical advice
You could start doing some "Spring Cleaning" and packing stuff up as though you are taking it to the charity shop but take to to a friends house for storage...kids toys, summer clothes, your summer clothes.

Also take all the furniture you need from the house and when you know he is going to be away for work then set the plan in action.

You DCs are young enough to start over in new schools.
Just make sure you do not tell him a thing that may hint to what you are planning.
Make sure you set you iPad to clear it's history every time you use it!
Don't pay any more bills and certainly do not pay him anymore money....you owe him nothing.
You are getting your emotional strength back day by day and just come back here if you feel as though you need more support

I’m on the spectrum, as is my autistic ds, my dd has traits too. It is a myth that autistic people have no empathy. If anything we feel more empathy, my ds has a great deal of empathy for me, his sister, family members, for people we don’t know in awful situations. Dd and I are the same.

We do find it difficult to read some emotions and can get things wrong and upset people unintentionally. But as mentioned above, we are very upset at having upset others and we go out of our way to make up for that.

I have done a great deal of research in autism and I doubt very much that your partner is on the spectrum. It’s more likely he is a sociopath or has some other personality disorder. Perhaps some of these links would apply.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/mindmelding/201706/9-clues-you-may-be-dealing-psychopath

@ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser reading through all of them narcissistic probably sums him up best, but it doesn't fit 100%. I'm not sure what is wrong with him, but I know something isn't right. He's seen many people about his MH problems, but still not sure what is wrong. So far it has been a diagnosis of adjustment disorder and some ptsd. He seems to over think a lot and doesn't sleep well. He's has lots of therapy and started CBT this week, but seems to be unable to make sense of anything, as he doesn't have self awareness. He is over confident, bordering on arrogance, exaggerates his achievements, seems a little simple or stupid at times to me and is very child like. He can be overly aggressive to strangers if he thinks they have wronged him in anyway and I've seen him threaten people when out for queue jumping, holding him up etc. If someone doesn't apologise right away then he just loses it. He likes to be reassured a lot, even though he pretends he doesn't care about others opinions. He doesn't like to compliment others. He does tell me he loves me multiple times a day, but I think it's just so he hears it back. He withholds affection unless you behave in a way he wants, this is with children and me. He lacks any empathy for emotions, he doesn't understand why someone would cry and be upset, it has no effect on him, you just man up and get over it.

The thing is he can be some loving and caring and very affectionate. He knows how to act like the perfect boyfriend in front of people. He can be extremely charismatic to people he needs to impress and many people love him, just don't cross him. If you cross him, he takes a instant dislike and he will feel like he has been picked on a wronged. He can take offence very easily. He was the perfect man when I met him, he showered me affection, told me he wanted to know everything about me, he took me on amazing dates, spent time making sure I was pleased in bed, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life together with me. After a few months that all changed, once I had been trapped, I did see red flags after about 3 months or so, but I had fallen head over heels in love and got sucked in as mostly he was perfect. I can't believe how stupid I was to get involved and sucked in after being raised by an abusive father. I'm so angry I've put myself and kids in this position

OP Stop trying to rationalise this man! All of these personality disorders are on a spectrum so he could feasibility be somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum for example but not tick every box. But the point is it doesn't matter - who cares!- and it doesn't excuse his behaviour as he is an adult. The only reason a person would need to understand this man is if he was their son or something- whereby they are stuck with him so to speak. You are not related to this man and you are NOT stuck with him, so let go of worrying about a diagnosis for him and start thinking about YOU. Put yourself first. Leave him and let him sort out his own issues in therapy after you've gone. It might be a good idea for you to access therapy too, after you've left, to look at your own pattern of relationships.

@owl2015 My ex husband was actually very level headed and not abusive in anyway, if anything he was a bit of a push over, which was frustrating. We just grew apart after meeting and marrying very young. I'm still good friends with him, so I would like to think I don't have a pattern for this behaviour, but it's something I am aware of now and not something I want to happen again. I want to stay on my own and focus on the kids for now anyway. I am starting counselling again soon and I'm waiting to start DBT again which one module focuses on interpersonal relationships. Unfortunately it is my nature to try and make sense of people and how they work, it's very frustrating.

If you want to read up on it, read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does he Do That? Abusers abuse because it means they get their way. If you decide he has a condition and can't help it, you get sucked into feelings of pity. He's perfectly happy for you to be miserable if it results in some advantage to him. That's all you need to know.

@bibliomania that is so spot on.

Did anyone watch Stalked: murdered in slow motion last night on channel 5? It scared the life out of me and made me realise even more how careful I need to be. I honestly don't know what this man is capable of.

I don't understand why you would choose to watch a tv show like that at this time op. You are better off planning your own escape.

@owl2015 because of curiosity I guess. I can only plan my escape so much. I am doing what I can right now.

On another note. Spoke to MASH who have again sent me back to the police to do the application for clares law. Hopefully they can give me some better advice when I call.

I thought you'd already done the Clare's Law application, OP?

If you haven't, I wonder whether it's worth it? You know he's harassed two six partners, so what more can they possibly say? Even if it's worse than that, that is in and of itself bad enough for you to know you need to get out now.

I can't imagine being in your position and watching a programme like that. It sounds scary for a programme, but more so when it is your future.

Sorry, typo- should say he has harassed two ex partners.

I called the police to ask for it who asked me to come in and said I needed to go in to the station. They then said I needed to call MASH. Mash have said it's not them so need to go back to police. Tried to call today, but I was on hold ages and had to go back to work. I have so much to sort out but struggle as I only have 30 mins lunch break to sort anything and I can't call after work as he is there. I feel mentally defeated today, I just want to run away and hide from all of this, I wish I have the bank balance to let me. It's just too overwhelming now.

How are you feeling today darling? I think when someone can be so charming and the perfect partner in public it makes them extra sinister. They’re not treating you bad because they think it’s acceptable or because they don’t know any better. They’re treating you bad because they know they can and it’s control.

There is no good points to that my love. We are scared for you leaving. He is dangerous. Him giving you a cuddle on a Saturday night watching the tv doesn’t change that. You are a good person, you are loved, you are strong. You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve to be happy. You don’t deserve to be controlled to be abused or to be scared in your own home.

Please read this again. And keep reading it until you believe it. You are important enough to stay safe, to be happy. You need to leave. I know that you’re in the middle of it, but just Incase you ever think it’s not that bad, he’s not that bad, better the devil you know etc. It is bad. And you need to leave.

@nowheretorunorhide that sounds disappointing that the police haven't been able to make the process more straightforward for you. I respectfully suggest that you're better off using your limited free time and energy to get your affairs in order so you can leave.
Best of luck, OP.

Don't rule out going to a refuge

I did the application for Clare's law on the phone to the police on my home from work. So I'm just waiting for them to get back to me in the next couple of days. They mash gave me details of a local charity to call, so that's my job tomorrow lunch break. I'm feeling pretty worn down today and my mental health is suffering with all this stress.

I watched the program out of curiosity and also to shock me into the reality of what could be a possibility and why I need to leave.

Sorry to hear you're having a rough day, OP. You're doing brilliantly. Keep going! It'll all be over soon!