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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

403 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 13:30

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 28/03/2019 10:47

I have been keeping things nice with him so I can get the last of my stuff. He's asked for a laptop back he purchased, so I am returning that today and that should be the last contact I need to have. I've tried to keep things nice as frankly I am scared about him turning nasty and I know that will be his next tactic when I stop contact. I believe he has started stalking as he's told me he knows i'm not at my sisters or mums and must be in some refuge. He also knew I had met with my ex husband yesterday. I have logged this as an incident with the police. I'm letting him know once the laptop is dropped off later by text to not contact me again. I'm so scared of him and what he may try next. I don't really have enough proof for a non-mol yet, but i'm speaking to someone tomorrow about it anyway to figure out what is best to do to protect myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 28/03/2019 10:50

Also his mum refused to mediate things so I had to go to contact with him again, but today is the last day.

OP posts:
Motoko · 28/03/2019 11:27

You're not going to be on your own when you hand the laptop over, are you? Because if you can't take someone with you, you should delay until you can, or until someone else can take it.

Blobby10 · 28/03/2019 12:17

@nowheretorunorhide I've read your full thread and am in awe - you are one strong and amazing person. The only piece of advice I can offer is to reset the laptop to factory settings before you hand it back - that way he can't use anything on it for blackmail or abuse or whatnot against you.

Flowers
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 28/03/2019 12:50

Laptop has been reset to factory settings and my old neighbour is watching as it's handed over (she knows the whole story). I'm dreading seeing him even though it will be such a short time. He makes my skin crawl now I know all of this about him and how he has been with me. I just know once this is done, he will turn nasty as I have no reason to keep in contact with him. I'm hoping he doesn't turn psycho.

OP posts:
DogHairEverywhere · 28/03/2019 12:57

Could you not ask some someone else to return the laptop.? Even get him to sign a receipt saying he received it.

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 28/03/2019 13:11

I agree with DogHairEverywhere. Or at the very least as your neighbour to sneakily film the handover.

DogHairEverywhere · 28/03/2019 13:12

Or even film it not sneakily, you really don't want him kicking off.

Hungrymamabear · 28/03/2019 13:17

Indeed, this is emotional abuse. I am in the same situation. Been here for 5 years finally plucked up courage to leave - next week. I'm going to stay with family until I can get sorted via council or whatever but I honestly dread what will happen when he finds me because I know he will, he knows where my family live and hell drive down to pick us up, obv I'm not answering the door though

bilbodog · 28/03/2019 14:21

Well done OP and i wish you the best of luck for you and your children.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 29/03/2019 09:48

@Hungrymamabear best of luck getting out. It has been the best thing I could have done for me and my children. It's so hard and even after everything I do miss him, but I know the side of him I miss isn't actually real. Maybe let the police know or your plans or contact a domestic violence intervention service for some advice about the move and what you can put in place. You can have a red flag on the address you move to, so if you need to call the police they know it could be your ex partner. Good luck

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 29/03/2019 09:50

Well laptop was dropped off last night and he asked me if I was still going on holiday next week, which I responded no. I had a text from him last night asking me out on a date. Have just asked him not to contact me and won't be contacting him anymore. I will use anything he sends now as proof to the police that he's harassing me

OP posts:
Tilikum · 29/03/2019 18:31

Asking you on a date? What planet does the man live on?

You've done so well to get away from him. Hopefully he got scared after his last run in with the police (for stalking his ex-gf) so he'll leave you alone.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 29/07/2019 14:15

reading back on this I have come so far. I'm till in the refuge after four months and still desperately trying to move to a home for me and my babies. I'm still a bit broken mentally from it all and wonder if I will ever feel normal again, but there is some progress.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 29/07/2019 14:20

Op l am so glad to read your update and that you are safe...
keep single and steadily work on your future plans that is where happiness lies.... not another man.
You’ve got this.. best of luck

Thehop · 29/07/2019 14:28

Looking forward to hearing you telling us about your new home!

Mary1935 · 29/07/2019 15:02

Id thought you had blocked him already - if not that’s the way you need to go. Block email and mobile numbers. Don’t encourage contact with him. Your well away from it now.

Barton10 · 29/07/2019 15:29

I have been through the same situation you need to get away it won't get any better. Women's Aid and the DV unit at the police station were amazing and really helped me. Women's Aid provided me with a book called "Living with the Dominator which explained different types of abusive behaviour and how to stop it. I think this is part of the freedom programme. Hope everything works out for you - it may not seem like it now but you can come through this and life will get so much better xx

MrsTommyBanks · 29/07/2019 16:09

You will feel normal again @nowheretorunorhide. Actually you will have a new normal, and it will be even better than your old normal.
You are doing amazing Flowers

longtimelurkerhelen · 29/07/2019 17:17

Glad to see your update and you doing okay. Hope you get a home soon, is there any on the horizon?

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 30/07/2019 12:10

@Mary1935 My update doesn't mention contact. He was blocked a long time ago, but does still try to call of withheld, but I don't pick up.

@Barton10 I have the book and have completed the program, it was very helpful.

@longtimelurkerhelen I have no idea how long it will take. I'm lucky if there are 4 properties a week on the housing register, so not many people are being cleared off the list this week.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 30/07/2019 12:15

Well done OP😊
onwards and upwards ☀️

thelaststraw123 · 30/07/2019 13:39

@nowheretorunorhide I was in a refuge for 8 months. I finally get my keys for my new flat on Friday and I am so excited.
It will happen for you. Are your support workers helpful? I couldn't have got anywhere without mine! They were amazing!

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 31/07/2019 11:11

@thelaststraw123 that's amazing news, congratulations to you. I hope I can post an update like this soon. It's really effecting my mental health being in the refuge and so far away from friends and family. I have felt suicidal at times and even thought about going back for an easier life in the short term. But I have grit and determination deep down and I keep fighting with everything I have to make a better life for me and my children.

OP posts:
thelaststraw123 · 31/07/2019 17:29

@nowheretorunorhide I promise it will get better! It is hard at first but it does get better.
Good luck