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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

403 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 13:30

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
ALargeGinPlease · 08/03/2019 09:00

Good luck Thanks. Keeping everything crossed that it goes well for you today.

dizzy174 · 08/03/2019 11:34

Good luck . Keeping everything crossed that it goes well for you today.

CoraPirbright · 08/03/2019 11:34

Best of luck OP Flowers

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 08/03/2019 12:12

I feel so defeated right now. I have to wait 56 days from today until I can bid on anything at all. I've been told to look at private, but there is nothing close by my family. Refuge is still full and no emergency accommodation. The housing officer is speaking with someone and getting back to me early next week, but i'm not hopeful.

OP posts:
Tilikum · 11/03/2019 10:00

Can you stay with family or friends for a while? As I said before, it's probably safer to do that than to move straight from his house to a new permanent house, because he'll find you and harass you with nobody around. If you live with someone else there'll be witnesses and you'll be safer.

How far would you be from work if you moved? Even if it would increase your commute, it would only be for a while until you get sorted.

Sorry you're going through this. Flowers

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 11/03/2019 10:05

@Tilikum I had a long talk yesterday with my sister and BIL and have decided to move in with them for the moment. I am rubbish at asking for help and they have insisted they want to make sure me and kids are safe and under there roof. It's still close enough for me to get to school and work and doesn't mean I am having to change too much. The problem is finding a time to pack my bags and leave as he's very rarely out the house.

OP posts:
choccybiscuit · 11/03/2019 12:52

That's excellent news! You're doing the right thing Thanks

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 11/03/2019 17:15

This is fantastic news! So glad you have somewhere to go.

Would your BIL be able to come over to the house while you pack? To give you some moral support plus a witness and someone to call the Police if necessary?

AnxietyForever · 11/03/2019 18:29

Great news OP!!

Binkytheslug · 12/03/2019 10:29

When you go, make sure your iPhone is switched on, and find my iPhone is enabled. Take all the other apps off and delete passwords, etc. Set it to lock after 60 seconds. This will make it worthless. Charge the battery fully. Get on a bus going to a location nowhere near where you’re going, or a train if possible. Stuff your phone down the back of the seat then get off at the next stop. Let the fucker track you now.... a friend of mine was advised to do it. She was terrified she would be followed.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 12/03/2019 11:21

I'm hoping to be out in the next week, once he's gone out for a few hours. He's back to acting like the perfect partner and i'm finding it so hard not to break down in front of him. I feel so broken having to leave him and knowing the fall out will be bad. I know it's not my problem but he can't afford the mortgage without me and not going on the holiday will really anger him. He's very much money motivated and I can see he will get very angry and i'm dreading the fall out when he realises we are gone, as I can't predict his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 14/03/2019 09:04

They have a space in the refuge for me, but I am too scared to leave. Why is this so hard.

OP posts:
Gruffalosgrandma · 14/03/2019 11:08

Take the refuge place . They will look after you and keep you safe. Good luck.

Motoko · 14/03/2019 11:16

Because it's change. Because the future is scary. Because it would mean you're finally admitting to yourself that this is the end. While you were waiting for a refuge space, you could use that as an excuse to not move on, but now you can't.

Take the space. Let them know straight away. You can't go back to him, you'd be a fool to do so, and things will get even worse.

Take the space, and start the next chapter of your life. One where you have respect for yourself, and where you are protecting your children.

You can do it.

RandomMess · 14/03/2019 12:17

It is very very scary, if it were easy to leave then you would have gone at the first sniff of realising what he was really like.

They will take very good care of you Thanks

Say yes and run towards a new, better future!

Tilikum · 14/03/2019 13:01

Take the space! You will be safe in the refuge, you know he's going to go ballistic when you leave him so that is the safest place for you.

Good luck!

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 14/03/2019 14:15

I've taken it. I took some stuff to my nans and am packing and leaving tomorrow night. The kids are being looked after so it should be straight forward. I'm terrified, but I can do this, I have to.

OP posts:
ALargeGinPlease · 14/03/2019 14:44

Well done. You're doing the right thing. Imagine yourself in a few months from now, safe and away from him. Think how free you'll feel.

RandomMess · 14/03/2019 17:13

Well done KOKO Thanks

Tilikum · 14/03/2019 19:14

Great news! Once you're in the shelter you'll feel so much better because you won't have the impending breakup hanging over you.

Will he be out of the house when you leave? I hope everything goes well, but if he sends threatening messages, or turns up at your job (maybe warn them about the situation?) Then please don't hesitate to get the police involved. He's already got a record of harassing girlfriends so the police should know what he's like.

Good luck!!!

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 14/03/2019 21:09

I'm leaving when he's out tomorrow evening, which I know will really piss him off and probably bruise his ego. I'm expecting lots of crying phone calls to start with when he realises I've actually gone. I don't think he thinks I am strong enough to leave. Work know what's going on and I'm certain he will turn up at some point. He's so unpredictable and that's what scares me the most.

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 14/03/2019 21:44

Just block him as soon as you leave, it doesn't matter how angry or unpredictable he is then, you won't be there to hear and see it, it is no longer your job to manage his emotions.

If he comes to your work or you see him anywhere, get to a safe place and phone the police immediately.

You are so strong and brave, you will feel better soon. Flowers

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 14/03/2019 22:03

I think my only choice is to block him. I'm going to be keeping my eyes peeled the whole time, I can't risk him finding out where I am living

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 14/03/2019 22:08

Have you informed your children's school as well? That he can't pick them up and has no parental rights at all.Try to wait inside school gates for them to come out. Also be careful collecting the kids from school so he can't follow you home.

TheMaddHugger · 14/03/2019 22:13

All the (((((((Madd Hugs)))))) and good wishes and Prayers💐🌼🌻🌼💐

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