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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

403 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 13:30

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 15/03/2019 21:50

Omg I’ve just read the whole thing.

Op I’m in absolute awe of you, what a woman. You are the best example of strength any children could hope for in their mother. Well done! The hardest bit is done. There will be other difficult bits but you’ll get there.

TheFunkyFox · 15/03/2019 21:53

I could have wrote this 6 years ago. Narcissistic ex husband who constantly switched from being loving to abusive within seconds. His favourite saying was he bought me xyz so he could take it away. He would buy me Xmas presents then smash them on Xmas eve. He would leave me in the middle of nowhere and drive off, then turn up and say it was my fault for havin an attitude.
It’s been 6 years and he’s still an absolute dick. He has nothing to do with the kids “because it’s my fault”. He tried running meover in front of Dc, threats to kill me constantly, threats to kill himself.

It’s ridiculous.

I’m so happy for you, it will get easier x

TriciaH87 · 15/03/2019 22:03

Walk into your local council with your children. Tell them your in an abusive relationship and cannot go back. They will help house you. Pack what you can take and run. As for his apparent suicide attempts don't let that hold you back with any luck the bastood succeeds

123fushia · 15/03/2019 22:03

You are one strong amazing woman. You have done the hard bit. Try and catch up on sleep and rest as much as you can, safe in the knowledge that you are safe.

Motoko · 15/03/2019 22:03

Well done! And thanks for letting us know you're safe. We don't know you, but would still worry about you. You've been really brave and strong.

No need for discussions with him. Just arrange a time you can go and pick up your stuff, and make sure you don't go alone. And remember, he'll try every trick in the book to try to get you back, so don't listen to anything he says.

What are you going to do about your cat? Can it stay with someone while you're in the refuge? You might be able to get a temporary foster place for it. I think there's a charity called the Cinnamon Trust who offer that. The people at the refuge might know.

TheLovelyOtherDinosaur · 15/03/2019 22:23

💐

RandomMess · 15/03/2019 23:56

You don't have DC together so just block him for now. Can you get someone else to get the cat and return the keys?

longtimelurkerhelen · 16/03/2019 10:09

Hope you managed to get some sleep last night. I would block him so you can concentrate on yourself and your kids. You need space to sort your own emotions out. You don't need any extra pressure now of wondering and waiting for what he will text next, his wellbeing is no longer your problem.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 16/03/2019 11:46

I've blocked him and said I'll go through anything else with his mum. I feel a mess and he had been texting me all morning making my feel guilty. I'm not having it though

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 16/03/2019 13:42

It's good that you have blocked him, no good will come from staying in contact. At least if there is anything else to sort, you can go through his mum.

Should give you a bit of breathing space without any threat's or emotional blackmail.

The hardest part is now behind you, you can breath a sign of relief and do ANYTHING you want.

Motoko · 16/03/2019 14:56

Did you speak to his mum? What did she say?

Good idea to block him, and use his mum as a go between. He's not going to use abusive language through her, he'll want to be portrayed as the victim.

Inaquandry06 · 16/03/2019 16:01

I hope that other women who are in similar situations may one day read this thread and take some courage from it, you probably don’t feel it but you are so very brave and a hero for your children

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 16/03/2019 16:14

Anything I talk to her will be about getting stuff back etc and I wouldn't go alone anyway. I've been out and got some food and was able to pick food I actually wanted to eat and some treats for the kids. I'm off out in a min to collect my kids and bring them back to there new home. Everything is pretty much now set up. He hasn't tried to contact me by other ways yet, which is good. His ex is still supporting me and telling me the tactics he used on her.

OP posts:
Motoko · 16/03/2019 16:44

Having the support of his ex will be handy. We can only give you ideas of things he may try, but she'll be able to give you specific examples of what to expect, so that's good.

I bet it felt wonderful being able to buy what food you wanted. It's little things like that, that make you realise how wrong the relationship was, and it gives you a sense of freedom.

I hope your children settle in ok.

TriciaH87 · 16/03/2019 18:14

Make sure you do not leave work alone. Then when you get a couple blocks away have the person with you wait a few mins to check he is not following you. I assume you have told school not to let him pick your children up. Tell them in writing that in an emergency they would be picked up by........ please ask for ID. If he is unhinged whos to say he will not call school to say his authorised now to collect. Tell them a code word for collections or something to protect your safety.Go into your phone provider and ask they check he is not still able to check your location as this would give away your address.

Ilove31415926535 · 16/03/2019 19:56

Well done OP, you're free, and you did it!! Enjoy the food you like, and revel in how good it feels to be free FlowersCakeBrew

Glitterandunicorns · 16/03/2019 20:05

Congratulations, OP! You've done an amazing thing. I'm so pleased to hear you and your children are safe. Best of luck for the future. Thanks

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 19/03/2019 09:19

Hello all, well I took yesterday off work and did all the practical stuff that needed doing and also went to Ikea and got some bits I needed for my home. I'm feeling much better about it all and i'm not crying as much as I was. I feel good for pushing myself and it's very impowering. My friends, family, mumsnet and also my ex husband have all been so helpful and encouraging every step of the way. My children love it here and loved playing yesterday in the playroom and even got a bag of goodies. The messages are relentless and have gone from proposals to saying he never wants to see me again and the trust has gone. I had an email yesterday listing everything he didn't like about me including my weight being an embarrassment (I'm 5ft 10 and a size 16) and that I needed to work more hours and earn more money and stop using my mental health as an excuse (I work 30 hours with a 3 and a 6 year old, whilst he doesn't work). I haven't replied to anything besides stuff to do with the house and will cut all contact once I have my furniture and cat this weekend. I am certain now I made the right choice and he is a vile human being.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/03/2019 09:39

You go girl you are amazing!!!

doobyooby · 19/03/2019 10:47

Keep going, you are doing really well under relentless pressure.

Pk37 · 19/03/2019 11:21

Wow , you are a brave and strong woman .
Keep moving forward 💪🏼

longtimelurkerhelen · 19/03/2019 14:26

In a way it is good that he is sending these messages, as you can see that you made the right choice. He is so desperate to get you back under his control that his head is exploding, hence the mixed messages. Once you have all your things, definitely block him on everything. No one needs that negativity in their lives.

Really glad you are feeling better. Flowers

nrpmum · 19/03/2019 20:13

You are amazing, having been in this situation I know how tough it is. You bloody rock Flowers

BlueSuffragette · 19/03/2019 20:55

Just read the whole thread. You are amazing. Stay strong for you and your children. Best wishes for the future. Block him and move on. Flowers

gottastopeatingchocolate · 19/03/2019 22:09

So glad to read this update, OP.

Wishing you all the very best for the future. The refuge will offer you lots of support, and I hope that you find some ongoing emotional support to rebuild your life.

It is such a nice feeling to go around a supermarket and buy what you want!! You are free now!

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