Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

[nowheretorunorhide]

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

It's all just too much to manage. I'm waiting to see a DV charity but that's not until next week. I'm feeling so overwhelmed now.

I'm on the housing list now, but can't bid on anything for 56 days. I have an interview where I bring in my all my ID etc next Friday at the council. They said there is no emergency housing in my town and that I could be moved around every few days anywhere. My options are to sit tight, try and find a landlord who will privately rent to me or go into a refuge. I just want to cry. I feel so alone in all of this and hopeless.

. Have you got any family that could give you short term help?

@lou1221 the problem is me and my dad don't get on well and he is emotionally abusive to my mum. He doesn't see that my partner has done anything that bad, even if he doesn't like the guy. They have said I can go home, but to be honest it would be a last resort for me. Otherwise all my friends have young families and no room for us.

I'm sorry, my dad is the same, so completely understand. I hope you find somewhere soon, and maybe go for the refuge option, as a short term solution, if you have 56 days before you can apply for housing, you certainly can't stay where you are.

In the short term could you send your kids to live with their dad? It's safer than having them living with a psycho. Then you'll only have to worry about getting yourself out.

@Tilikum that's not an option unfortunately. It would make things a lot easier if it was.

I'm feeling so trapped as I can't get a house to move to easily and right now I am trapped. I hate being here as he is being so nice and kind and I know it's just him manipulating me as he thinks i'll leave. It's really messing with my head and then I feel guilty for trying to leave as I don't want to hurt him.

You don't have to move straight into a lovely house with all your furniture straight away. He was prosecuted for harassing his ex girlfriends (plural!) so it would be a lot safer for you to move from his house into a refuge. The refuge will be hidden and have security, so he will not be able to get to you there. You can stay in the refuge for a few weeks, hopefully while the worst of his anger dies down, and then move into a new place. If you move straight from his house into a new house the chance of him tracking you down is much higher because he'll be furious and highly motivated.

@Tilikum I'll be talking about my options on Monday with the DV charity i'm dealing with. I'm not sure what my solution will be atm. I worry about my work and also my daughters school. I'm so scared he'll kick off and try to find us. I honestly have no idea what this man can do. He's so nasty and twisted.

I'm feeling so depressed and exhausted by all of this. Getting help has been so slow from the council and also the charity.

Oh nowhere, I really feel for you.

I agree with PPs that the refuge may be the best option for you in the short term. It must surely be better than being in temporary accommodation and moved around frequently by the council. In my area, women are rehoused into long-term temporary accommodation and then into their permanent home.

In refuge, there will be supportive staff who understand what you're going through and, most importantly, you and your children will be safe. It will give you a chance to recoup and recover.

@LakieLady what do you do about work and school if you go into one though?

Update. I saw the DV charity who basically said they can't do much until I see the council besides finding me a refuge, which right now I am holding off on as he's been very calm the last two weeks. I do have everything packed and ready to go if he does start anything though. They talked about a non-molestation order, which is an option and something I am looking into. I see council Friday who hopefully can give me some more news about bidding on properties etc (i'm being classed an unintentionally homeless).

my partner is being overly nice and like the person I first met, it's very difficult to deal with as I know it's an act, but it's hard not to get sucked in. I keep re-reading my threads to remind myself he has done this many times before and he is a abusive manipulator. I found there was abuse with his ex wife too and he had to be locked up for a night so she could leave safely. It's not fun having to wait around, but at least my plan is starting to come together and I am getting all the support I need.

That information about his ex is exactly why you should start the process of getting a non-molestation order...

@RandomMess i'm finding out more information, but it's something I think I will be doing. Just to cover myself and children. I don't want to have to see him in court though.

The longer you wait to leave, the more danger you're putting yourself in.

When are you planning on leaving?

I spoke to the DV charity again and they have told me there are no refuges with space for a woman with children in my area. She's keeping an eye for me as I think it might have to be an option. Spoke with another ex partner today and he's still harassing her through the courts as of a couple of months ago. He pleaded guilty for harassment and stalking but it was thrown out f court as it took so long to go through. At least I have one up on him as I now know everything and I am getting mentally prepared. I'm getting legal advice next Wednesday.

Stuff of nightmares

KOKO

Ok, well keep safe.

He kicked off in a supermarket yesterday as I didn't wait for him and went straight into the shop from the car, I then ignored him in the shop apparently (I was a bit zoned out from lack of sleep and long day at work). He swore in front of the children as usual and now wont speak to me (which i'm fine with). It's very hostile though. I'm desperate to go but there is no space in any surrounding areas for a refuge and no emergency accommodation. He's tried to access my ipad last night with no success, I'm not sure what to do.

Any aggression from at home towards you and the DC and call the police on 999? Explain how frightened you are and about his history and ask them to remove him from the property. You should be able to go to court to get at least temporary right to stay in the property without him there?

Go back to the council ask about their ability to help with deposit for private rental as you are fleeing domestic abuse?

@RandomMess that's a good idea and an option if he does turn funny. My problem is if I go into private rented is that in this area it's very expensive and my UC won't cover the cost of a two bedroom property. My wages aren't great as i'm struggling with the hours I do right now with the kids being so young. I think my only option is council so it's more affordable. Also anything I have found private they won't take me as i'll be getting UC. My supporting letter for housing is being written for me today to give to the council Friday.

Today I go to the council. Wish me luck, I am so desperate for a solution to this problem now.