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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my DPs name

98 replies

EasinElloMate · 31/01/2019 08:47

Me and DP are getting married next year.

He has a child with his ex who we have 50/50.

I have always gotten on very well with both his child and his ex. No problems, a bit awkward between us at the start maybe (me and ex) but everything fine now.

Recently she messaged my DP and asked if I would consider keeping my own name when we get married as she's uncomfortable with me having the same name as DSS whilst she does not.

Now I can see why privately she may be a bit upset about this prospect and I do understand but AIBU to say no?!

I know I don't need my partners surname, but I would like to share it. It's what I've always planned to do when we got married.

I have no intentions of 'taking over'. DSS has one mother and he knows that. I have never overstepped the mark with him and I don't intend to start now but I just feel a bit strange about this request!

I don't want to cause bad feelings between us but it's a bit of a big ask don't you think?

Perhaps I'm being selfish but I really do not want to agree to this.

DP wants me to share his name and is happy to say no but has said ultimately it's up to me.

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 31/01/2019 08:49

Why don’t they change dss name to hers?

KanielOutis · 31/01/2019 08:49

Change your name if you want to. He will be your husband and it's normal to change your name. If it bothers her so much having a different name to her child, she can change hers by deed poll.

Somethingsmellsnice · 31/01/2019 08:50

Don't even entertain this! You do what you want. Will she insist any kids you have must take your surname too sonas not to upset your DSS.

She is being ridiculous.

Houseonahill · 31/01/2019 08:50

YANBU I understand her feelings but ultimately your feelings matter too. She could change her surname to match her son's if it bothers her that much.

Tiredeyes21 · 31/01/2019 08:51

Jsut say no, it’s none of her business whether you do or don’t take his name.

It’s your wedding not hers and she can be upset if she wants too!

OnTheHop · 31/01/2019 08:54

Suggest DP changes his name to yours...,

The ex should have thought of this when she gave her Dd the father’s name. (Including if she had changed her name to her then DH’s).

It’s a risk. And one you are planning to take too.

I would keep your own name and hyphenate the names of any children you may have.

Tiredeyes21 · 31/01/2019 08:57

If your DP changes his name to yours though then your DSS just has a random surname that’s not related to anyone!

Just take his name as planned as she is being ridiculous

Ifangyow · 31/01/2019 09:00

Take your husband's name and tell her to keep out of your business.

Original poster
EasinElloMate · 31/01/2019 09:01

(Including if she had changed her name to her then DH’s)

They were never married so she has her maiden name

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 31/01/2019 09:02

This is worth no more than a "No, sorry," in my opinion. What a weird thing to focus on - nobody else will think of this as odd.

Bluestitch · 31/01/2019 09:03

Would your partner agree to her adding her name to the child's so it's double barrelled? You can change your name if you want, it's your choice.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 31/01/2019 09:08

Simple response:

"EasinElloMate hasn't decided what to do re: name yet. Whatever she decides, you'll always be DS's mum regardless of names"

Job done

Redglitter · 31/01/2019 09:11

Shes being ridiculous. Ignore her and change your name as planned

Sakura7 · 31/01/2019 09:11

She can't expect to have any input on what name you decide to use. It's entirely your choice and nobody else's business. She may not like it but that's just life, it would be crazy for you to change your decision based on her.

bridgetreilly · 31/01/2019 09:12

I don't think it's unreasonable of her to ask, but I definitely don't think it's unreasonable for you to say no.

ErickBroch · 31/01/2019 09:13

Bloody weird. I have the same surname as my mum and step-mum... nobody had any problems with it.

Mmmhmmm · 31/01/2019 09:14

She's being ridiculous, since they were never married she made a mistake giving her son his father's name in the first place. Now she wants to punish you for her mistake.

Sounds like residual jealousy because he never married her.

Blondebakingmumma · 31/01/2019 09:15

I agree with pp. change the child’s name to her name or double barrel.

What happens if you have children of your own. Will you want the same name as the rest of your family unit?

Butchyrestingface · 31/01/2019 09:16

They were never married so she has her maiden name

That was her lookout then. Not your problem.

And yes, what exactly does she expect to happen when any kids come along?

Give into her on this and it may signal the start of a series of dopey demands, up to not having kids with your husband lest it upset her son.

DorindaLestrange · 31/01/2019 09:16

She really has no right to ask you this. It's your name and your business.

BlueSuffragette · 31/01/2019 09:16

Not your problem. His ex needs to sort her head out. She can change her name by deed poll or just get over herself.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 31/01/2019 09:18

Her wishes are irrelevant imo. Take his name.

TheGoogleMum · 31/01/2019 09:19

I can see why it bothers her but if you want to take his last name than I would! If you wanted to be especially nice and accommodating to the ex you could consider double barreling your name as a compromise or one of the other options such as partner takes your name or change child's name by deed poll to double with hers but it's not unreasonable not to do as she requests. I took my husbands name even though I think of it as a bit old fashioned... I wanted the family to all have same surname though and he refused to change his and I disliked the sound of double barrelled so ultimately to get what I wanted I had to compromise!

Ellisandra · 31/01/2019 09:20

You’ve made me realise that I’m in her position!
I was married but I kept my own name.
My daughter has her father’s name, simply because I thought it was a nicer name.
Her father is remarrying in 2020 so her stepmother wiill have my daughters name and I won’t.
I give so few fucks about it, that I didn’t even realise before this thread!

I am sympathetic, I don’t think she’s ridiculous to be upset by it.

BUT - she made a choice to give her son a different surname, and she made a choice not to change her name - she could have done that unmarried. If the same surname was so important to her, she shouldn’t have given him someone else’s name when he was born.

I would consider double barrelling his surname? But only consider, not saying you OUGHT to.

EncroachingLoaf · 31/01/2019 09:21

I can't believe she even had the cheek to think she could decide your name for you Confused

she should have given her child her name in the first place if it bothers her that much, especially as they weren't married. Her failing, not yours. Not your problem.

Seriously I would just laugh if anyone asked me to do this.