To want to take my DPs name

[EasinElloMate]

Me and DP are getting married next year.

He has a child with his ex who we have 50/50.

I have always gotten on very well with both his child and his ex. No problems, a bit awkward between us at the start maybe (me and ex) but everything fine now.

Recently she messaged my DP and asked if I would consider keeping my own name when we get married as she's uncomfortable with me having the same name as DSS whilst she does not.

Now I can see why privately she may be a bit upset about this prospect and I do understand but AIBU to say no?!

I know I don't need my partners surname, but I would like to share it. It's what I've always planned to do when we got married.

I have no intentions of 'taking over'. DSS has one mother and he knows that. I have never overstepped the mark with him and I don't intend to start now but I just feel a bit strange about this request!

I don't want to cause bad feelings between us but it's a bit of a big ask don't you think?

Perhaps I'm being selfish but I really do not want to agree to this.

DP wants me to share his name and is happy to say no but has said ultimately it's up to me.

Ive been the ex in this situation and i agree, shes beimg very highly sensitive. Just politely reassure her that it doesn't change anything but that you'll be taking your husbands name

You should change your name.
I think that the boy's name should be changed to a double barreled one.

No way; if DSDs mum had asked this I would have said a flat out no. I know that DSDs mum dislikes that she has a different surname to DSD but that was the decision DH and her made when they named DSD and DH would be equally unhappy if DSD had a different surname.
There’s also the question of if you have children with your DH you’d have a different surname just because of his ex’s wishes. Also since me and DH married I can’t think of any scenario where it’s come up that DSD has the same surname as me so it’s not like people assume she’s my DD just because we have the same surname

Don't even entertain her on this. Don't apologise either. Your husband to be should be saying "No, we are getting married and she will take my name". No further thought needed in this. What planet is she on?

She does realise that her child and your partner probably aren’t the only people in the whole world with that surname??

I would never ask this. But I also don’t have the same name as my DC and it makes me a bit sad. Could DSS hyphen his surname so he and his mum do then share same name?

She chose to have a baby without being married and to give her son the father's surname. Her choice.

You're getting married and want to take his name. Your choice.

She can do one.

Wow

That is all 🙄

She's being unreasonable but nice compromise would be to double barrel SS name.

Why are people saying change the child's name?

His dad is marrying so he's no longer part of that family and can't have his name anymore? Or at least, that's how it could feel to the child.

Just stick with the original plan and reassure his ex that nothing will change with regards to the parenting of their child. She's having a wobble that's all.

And so many saying it. Poor kid. Leave his name alone, talk about confusing him.

I would never give a child the father’s name if not married! This was her mistake.

She is completely ridiculous and needs to well over herself.

*I have zero patience today

What an odd request.

Would your DP be adverse to her changing her son's name to hers? That would be the most logical solution to this. But she has no right at all to ask you not to change.

I was bullied into giving both my kids their fathers surnames. Despite not being married to either at the time. It ended up with me lashing my eldest's father to marry me because thanks to other issues as well, I didn't feel like a family. Yes, all the wrong reasons, I know. But I wish there had been some way to register my second DC with my married surname, her father kept banging on about us being married one day but he dangled it over my head for a few years and only went about trying to get it happening once he knew I was a flight risk (DV). DC both use my married surname except in official documents for docs and child benefit. At school, they're both the same. If there's the chance to change it one day, I will.

I don’t see why your DSS should have to change or even double barrel his name; it’s not his issue it’s his mums issue and maybe he doesn’t want to change his name? It’s part of his identity and connects him to his dad who I’m assuming he doesn’t live with full time. Also what happens if his mum married and he doesn’t have the name of either of his parents or any siblings which may make him feel the odd one out.

I agree @user1493413286. MN is insane. The suggestions of the child changing his name to please all the adults is stranger than the ex's request

She sounds like she lives in crazy land.
What if you and DP have children in the future are they supposed to have his name but not yours?
This is for your partner and his ex to sort out.
You will be his wife and if you want his name you can have it

That's a very odd thing to ask; I'm embarrassed on her behalf!

I would do what I wanted to do, as it's none of her business, one way or the other! She may not like it, but she'll just have to get over it.

None of her business. Change your name of you want to. Strange request anyway.

“You’re joking, right?”

Would be my response to this. How dare she think she can have any input into what you call yourself.

Do NOT give her her way, it’ll only get worse.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with her and if she’s that bothered she needs to discuss double barrelling DSS name but I’m very old fashioned and think kids should have their dads surenane (granted that dad is a decent dad who is involved) and she should’ve thought about this situation when registering DSS, as they were never married.

Stupid request. Take his surenane. Enjoy your name. Enjoy your life

Surename

Surname. Got there in the end (autocorrect)