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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my DPs name

98 replies

EasinElloMate · 31/01/2019 08:47

Me and DP are getting married next year.

He has a child with his ex who we have 50/50.

I have always gotten on very well with both his child and his ex. No problems, a bit awkward between us at the start maybe (me and ex) but everything fine now.

Recently she messaged my DP and asked if I would consider keeping my own name when we get married as she's uncomfortable with me having the same name as DSS whilst she does not.

Now I can see why privately she may be a bit upset about this prospect and I do understand but AIBU to say no?!

I know I don't need my partners surname, but I would like to share it. It's what I've always planned to do when we got married.

I have no intentions of 'taking over'. DSS has one mother and he knows that. I have never overstepped the mark with him and I don't intend to start now but I just feel a bit strange about this request!

I don't want to cause bad feelings between us but it's a bit of a big ask don't you think?

Perhaps I'm being selfish but I really do not want to agree to this.

DP wants me to share his name and is happy to say no but has said ultimately it's up to me.

OP posts:
averythinline · 31/01/2019 11:34

they could change dss name to be double- barrelled to reflect tehm both ..its maybe that it didnt strike her straightaway and shes just emotionally responded......
I'm sure they didnt plan to have split up when they had DS so picked dads surname for whatever reason rather than hers.....
doesnt mean you dont have to change yours that is nothing to do with her....

Mrskeats · 31/01/2019 11:35

Bloody hell the nerve on her!!
Take no notice and do what you planned.

RiverTam · 31/01/2019 11:35

either she can change her name, your DFiance can take yours or they can decide to change their DS's name to either hers or double-barrel it.

None of that should have anything to do with whether you change your name or not.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/01/2019 11:40

I’d just politely message and say I’m changing my name when I marry but you’ll always be x mum. Don’t engage further.
In a nutshell it’s of her own making She should have given her child her surname but I’ve never understood why unmarried mothers choose another name for their dc when in all likelihood they will be primary career, the one travelling with the child etc.

Sarahandduck18 · 31/01/2019 18:10

I don’t think a small child would be bothered about changing their surname!

PoutySprout · 31/01/2019 18:18

Why not just all keep your own names? Carrying on a patriarchal tradition is bonkers anyway and contributes to women being seen as less important as men. Set your step child a better example!

pigsDOfly · 31/01/2019 18:22

I can't believe people are suggesting ways around this 'problem' including expecting the poor child to change his name; his father marries and suddenly he doesn't have the same name as his father, well that's really going to make him feel wanted in his father's new blended family isn't it.

The ex is being ridiculous and frankly bloody cheeky even bringing it up.

Have a lovely wedding, take your husbands name, because that's what you want to do, and get on with your life. Nothing to do with anyone else what name you call yourself.

WetWipesGoInTheBin · 31/01/2019 18:38

She is bloody unreasonable as it is none of her damn business. You have been given lots of polite replies by PPs, choose one of those and send it to her. If she is stupid enough to try and engage further tell her like a broken record she has already had her answer.

And no her son shouldn't have his name changed unless he chooses to once he's over 16 so don't ask him, your partner and definitely don't ask her.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 31/01/2019 18:44

As I see it, you all have these options:

1 - Everyone keeps the surnames they currently have.
2 - You change your surname.
3 - Ex-partner changes her surname so next year all of you will have the same surname (if you still go ahead and change yours).
4 - Your DSS’s changes his surname - either double barrel or else he just takes on his mum’s surname.

I think all are reasonable and up to what works for all of you to do.

Jimdandy · 31/01/2019 19:00

Change your name and ignore her.

That’s her look out for either not marrying him and taking his name, or not giving her DC her last name as is tradition.

golddustwomen · 31/01/2019 19:04

Jesus she is being ridiculous! You take your married name, it's non of her business!! It's her problem to get over not yours to find solutions about.
Congrats on your upcoming wedding Thanks

WaxMyBalls · 31/01/2019 19:06

This is why you don't give a child the bloke's name unless you're married.

But really, how ridiculous. All of you call yourselves whatever you want, none of you have any right to ask anyone else in the picture to use a particular surname. She has completely overstepped there. I'm a Lucy Stoner and normally I'd be all up for not following gross patriarchal traditions, but someone you're not related to or in a relationship with asking you not to change your name is a bad reason to make a decision.

Absofuckinglutely · 31/01/2019 19:10

Funnily enough, I'm in this position but it hasn't occurred to me until I read this thread.

My DC has ex's surname and I don't. Ex's now wife has his surname, so shares it with my DC. They have kids together now too.

I couldn't care LESS, and wouldn't have dreamed of asking her not to change her name. She'd have thought me a cheeky cow. And she'd have been right.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wish DC had my name, but don't care that they share the same surname. God, who cares?! My child is still my child and my ex's wife has never tried to step on my toes.

Patchworkpatty · 31/01/2019 19:30

If she's that worried she could change her surname to your dps or make it the same as her son. Fucking weird yes, but no more so than to make the request that she has.

OnTheHop · 31/01/2019 21:13

“his father marries and suddenly he doesn't have the same name as his father,”

This happens to the children of women all the time, if they change names on a second marriage.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 31/01/2019 21:16

I never considered changing my name, but I think it is so rude of her to expect you not to. Completely up to you.

PastaCake · 31/01/2019 21:56

It's none of her business what your name is! It's up to the parents what the child's last name is but please don't let her choose your name!

pigsDOfly · 31/01/2019 22:16

OnTheHop. Well if the women choose to change their names on a second marriage then that's up to them and they will be choosing to have a name that is different from their children.

This child isn't, as far as we're aware, choosing to have a different name from the one he was given.

I didn't change my name from my married name when I divorced for exactly that reason. I wanted my name to continue to be the same as my children's name.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2019 22:19

What a cheek. Tbh if I wasn't planning on changing my name, her request would make me change my mind and do it. How dare she.

She chose to have a child out of marriage and give her child the dad's surname. Not your problem.

Why should the child change his name? What a foolish suggestion. Talk about confusing the poor kid.

IsobelKarev · 31/01/2019 22:26

Ignore her. I have no memory of ever sharing a name with my DM but have spent most of my life with the same surname as my step mother. I've never been confused about which one gave birth to me!

LeSquigh · 31/01/2019 22:44

The child keeps his name, any suggestion that he changes it is quite frankly ridiculous.

You go ahead and take your DPs name when you marry, like 98% of women in the real world do or like the 4% of women on Mumsnet where nothing happens as it does in real life.

It is nothing to do with her and for her to even ask is out of order.

In addition (in yet another Mumsnet only tradition, my favourite thing) I have never met anyone who has not given their children the fathers surname if they are not married. This is normal. The only time I have ever encountered a child that has their mothers surname is when the father is completely absent from their lives from the off.

OnTheHop · 01/02/2019 06:09

LeSquigh the thing about Mumsnet is that it enables you to meet people that you do not meet in your own RL circles. But they still have their own RL. I know no-one in RL who goes to church or is actively religious. But see lots on MN. I know lots of people who have not made what you view as ‘normal’ choices about names on marriage or for children.

Fairylea · 01/02/2019 06:11

Ignore her. My dd has the same surname as her stepmum, I’ve never actually realised it or considered it until this thread! Never bothered me at all and still doesn’t.

WaxMyBalls · 01/02/2019 07:05

I mean, even if your own circles are so tragically limited that you don't understand how common it is to keep your name, there's no excuse for not googling it.

astonishingStory · 01/02/2019 07:09

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