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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to take my DPs name

98 replies

EasinElloMate · 31/01/2019 08:47

Me and DP are getting married next year.

He has a child with his ex who we have 50/50.

I have always gotten on very well with both his child and his ex. No problems, a bit awkward between us at the start maybe (me and ex) but everything fine now.

Recently she messaged my DP and asked if I would consider keeping my own name when we get married as she's uncomfortable with me having the same name as DSS whilst she does not.

Now I can see why privately she may be a bit upset about this prospect and I do understand but AIBU to say no?!

I know I don't need my partners surname, but I would like to share it. It's what I've always planned to do when we got married.

I have no intentions of 'taking over'. DSS has one mother and he knows that. I have never overstepped the mark with him and I don't intend to start now but I just feel a bit strange about this request!

I don't want to cause bad feelings between us but it's a bit of a big ask don't you think?

Perhaps I'm being selfish but I really do not want to agree to this.

DP wants me to share his name and is happy to say no but has said ultimately it's up to me.

OP posts:

TheBigBangRocks · 01/02/2019 07:14

I'd change my name but would ask your DP to give permission for her to change their sons name to hers or double barrel it.

She was daft to give him a different name but isn't the first and not be the last who assumes the dad won't leave.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 01/02/2019 07:18

Do not entertain this suggestion for a second.

Nod, smile then go ahead and change your name

HJWT · 01/02/2019 07:24

What about when you have children? You cant have the same name as DC to not upset her? Don't think so

swingofthings · 01/02/2019 07:28

Ridiculous! I have no idea if my ex's partner is using his name or not, not my business. Their surname is theirs, born with, marks their identity. Whoever else has the same name doesn't matter.

Nomorepies · 01/02/2019 07:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 01/02/2019 07:42

I do feel for her, you don't expect to break up with your DP when you give your child their name. I didn't realise how important it was to me to have the same name as my children until it was too late.

Can your DP agree to double barrel sons name?

upsettraintraveller · 01/02/2019 07:47

Haven't read full thread but before I got married there was no question that I wouldn't take my soon to be husband's name although professionally I would keep my maiden name. Just before we got married, he started to suggest I could combine both names, which was completely out of the blue. His ex wife contacted me before our wedding being foul saying you will never be Mrs Upsettraintraveller. Turns out his grown up daughter was behind the name thing. I wouldn't mind but his ex wife was a serial adulterer and divorced him and I was made to feel like the OW even though we were both completely single when we met. Ex's!

For the record, I never did change my name in the end but for my own reasons and mostly convenience. Only on social media.

swingofthings · 01/02/2019 07:48

I really don't get this ehr having the sane surname then your children.

My mum felt the same so changed my name to hers when I was about 6yo. I didnt tell her then, but I hated it. Its only later I realised that it was because I couldn't identify myself to that new name. I also couldn't understand why it was OK to have her surname and not my dad's.

I reverted to my dad's surname at 18yo. I know my kids also strongly identified to their surname used all the time at nursery and then school. What right did I have to change it just because of my incecurities?

Having different surnames has never caused any issues at all. Even my DS who is no contact with his dad wouldn't want to change his name. Its his, not his dad's in his eyes.

BlueJag · 01/02/2019 08:14

Part of getting married for many women is to have partner new name. Also can cause delays or inconvenience at airports when you have your own children.
I think she is being a bit unreasonable. Do what you want.

FlirtyRomanticToast · 01/02/2019 08:17

Hi @LeSquigh nice to meet you. My DC at birth were given my surname, not their fathers. There would never be any possible chance of it being any other way I'm afraid.

PoutySprout · 01/02/2019 09:18

Part of getting married for many women is to have partner new name. Also can cause delays or inconvenience at airports when you have your own children.

Complete and utter bollocks.

Women were not considered people in their own rights. They were owned by men. They were literally given away by their fathers to their husbands and became their legal property on marriage.

Why, in 2019, anyone would consider that something to replicate/celebrate is absolutely beyond me. It’s utterly sexist and depressing that so many women continue to do it, often without even considering not (what proportion of men even consider changing their names?).

And the travelling thing is bollocks too.

PoutySprout · 01/02/2019 09:22

before I got married there was no question that I wouldn't take my soon to be husband's name although professionally I would keep my maiden name

This makes absolutely no sense to me.

I never did change my name in the end but for my own reasons and mostly convenience. Only on social media.

Why?! Why the desperate need to present something that should be a relic of the past?

Tututuna · 01/02/2019 09:26

PoutySprout regardless, the OP wants to change her name and so she should be able to without question from anyone else. And certainly not her partners ex.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 01/02/2019 09:28

Yanbu. Although I can see her point, it’s not really something she should be asking of you.

fiydwi · 01/02/2019 09:33

I understand her feelings to a point but she’s totally unreasonable.

I would send what you wrote in your first post about not wanting to take her place, he has 1 mother etc and maybe suggest they double barrel dss last name.

patientzero · 01/02/2019 09:41

My mum suggested changing my name when she married my step dad. Even though my bio dad wasn’t involved, I refused as it was MY name. Those suggesting changing the child’s name are totally in the wrong here.

I didn’t change my name on marriage either because I didn’t want to. But if you want to then that’s your choice. It’s great that we’re able to have that choice!

Also, my DSD, my nephews and several of my cousins all have their mum’s surnames rather than their dad’s. It’s not that unusual really.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/02/2019 09:44

There are many reasons for and against for changing your name upon marriage, but the wishes of his ex-partner don't even make it onto the list at all.

HoppingPavlova · 01/02/2019 09:51

I really don't get this ehr having the sane surname then your children.

Me neither. I have my name. DH has his name. DC’s have a completely different name (we just made a new one). Kids were never confused about who mum/dad were. Never any confusion at school. Their friends understood we were a family unit, kids really are not that dumb. No government department has ever been confused by it. They are grown up now and love their name and said they never wished they had either one of ours.

But I’m sure there will be people along to say it happened to them and has mentally destroyed them for eternity🙄.

LucyAutumn · 01/02/2019 09:54

It's an unreasonable request on her part. If it bothers her that much then maybe she should consider changing her DC's name so it's double barreled, thus appeasing everyone.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/02/2019 09:54

I don’t get this whole changing your name on marriage business. But if it’s your wish, go ahead. She doesn’t get a say. And as others have pointed out, she’ll always be her child’s mother.

Deadringer · 01/02/2019 10:12

I wish we could get rid of the expression, 'maiden name', it's ridiculously out dated, and assumes that your name is somehow temporary if you are a woman. Your name is your name, and imo women shouldn't be expected to change theirs when they marry, it's a daft tradition. And for God's sake if you are unmarried and have DC give them your name, not your dp's, then this sort of issue won't arise. Anyway rant over, op she is being ridiculous, do whatever you want.

PoutySprout · 01/02/2019 10:29

It’s great that we’re able to have that choice!

Shame the choice only really applies to those with internal reproductive systems though (who in most cases don’t make an active choice, they just do what they’ve been groomed to do under the guise of “romance”). Presumably not being expected to waste time considering it/dealing with the paperwork leaves men with more time to do important things like farting and ball scratching and enjoying the dominance that having external genitals provides.

PepsiLola · 01/02/2019 10:34

I can see why ex has said this (actually I can't, I would think they would think this but never say it).

What if you and DP have kids? Would she be happy with your children sharing the same surname as her children? Or would she expect your children to take your name?

I feel like a little bit of jealousy has overcome ex for her to send that, I would word your reply nicely however to keep relations well (although I would be tempted to send f* off!)

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