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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about thinking twice about following DH to Dallas?

99 replies

DallasExpat · 29/01/2019 18:14

He is being sent for work, probably for 3-4 years. High flying job.
But:

  • I have built up my own business here. What about that?
  • The kids are settled here
  • Trump

Anyone with experience in Dallas? Or with following a partner abroad?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/01/2019 18:23

That's a huge decision how would it work if you didn't go?

DallasExpat · 29/01/2019 18:30

Either he doesn't go and would need to look for a new job. It is a great opportunity for hin though so I think he would really regret this.

Or he goes alone and we go there during school holidays.

I doubt he is keen on either option (he just told me on the phone earlier today so we haven't discussed it yet.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/01/2019 18:31

How old are the DC?

Purpleartichoke · 29/01/2019 18:32

Are they paying him enough to compensate for your lost income?

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 29/01/2019 18:32

If you went, then split up, what would you do?

Whatsnewwithyou · 29/01/2019 18:33

Is your business portable? Wouldn't it be good for the kids to experience another culture? Is Trump better or worse than Brexit? (I don't know the answer to any of these questions by the way!).

MrsPerfect12 · 29/01/2019 18:33

I guess you both had a discussion before he accepted the job, what was the plan?

If you don’t want to, then don’t go but I wouldn’t imagine it would be good for your marriage.

MrsPerfect12 · 29/01/2019 18:35

Remember it’s only a great opportunity if he doesn’t lose his family over it. Did you have a family plan to move overseas at any point?

HerRoyalNotness · 29/01/2019 18:35

Oh god,
Living in the US is hardly experiencing another culture. I wouldn’t go. I say that as someone stuck in Houston, unemployed for 3 years and can’t even get an interview for jobs I’m applying for. We’re living on savings which should be for our future and the whole thing has been a shit show tbh.

Rosie1976mini · 29/01/2019 18:42

Followed husband to Fort Worth before we were married - self employed and it has taken a while since we got back to re-establish myself. We were not married at the time. So I couldn’t work and it drove me slightly insane, and made me a bit resentful!

Is negotiating a package that covers your loss of earnings a possibility?

In the Dallas/ Fort Worth area there are a number of ex-pats and ex-pat groups and meet ups if that’s your kind of thing!

Also check out the Allen outlet :)

Rosie1976mini · 29/01/2019 18:42

And don’t forget to get your pension contributions covered at a minimum!

VenusClapTrap · 29/01/2019 18:45

Oh god, of all the cities in the US, Dallas would be one of the last ones I’d choose to live in.

I think I’d have to let him commute back to visit us once a month.

aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 18:45

Nope, YANBU. I wouldn't go.

Spanglybangles · 29/01/2019 18:48

Difficult one. I would go if he has/can negotiate a great package from his company and if you can run your business remotely. It’s all about negotiating the package. I have family in Houston for a few years with work and they negotiated hard before agreeing. Think a high enough salary to cover mortgage on house in UK, rent paid in US, car, health insurance for the family, flight allowance for visits home etc. If all those things stack up then I’d go for it.

superj · 29/01/2019 18:50

My work has a branch in Dallas so know a few people who moved. Does his work cover your loss of earnings? A colleague was in a similar situation( wife had own business) and her earnings were covered, but she did get bored not working so joined a load of voluntary organisations. They love the lifestyle there - house with a pool, BBQs all year round etc.

cravingmilkshake · 29/01/2019 18:50

Dallas is awesome- however, very pro trump!!

stopgap · 29/01/2019 18:54

I would be hard pressed to do Dallas. I’ve been in NYC and now CT for sixteen years, and the vast majority of people I know are left-leaning, well-travelled and tolerant. I would have a hard time in any Texas city but Austin.

Fr3d · 29/01/2019 18:55

Can he look for similar opportunities that don't involve moving to Dallas?

Dyrne · 29/01/2019 18:59

Put together a list of questions you want answered before you make a decision:

What will his working hours be out there? Not much point in upending your lives if he’s going to be leaving early and coming back late every day.

Will the compensation package be enough to cover watertight insurances, your loss of earning, your pension contributions, and the inevitable period once you come back to the UK where you probably won’t immediately find work?

Are you in a field where you could find work out there? What is childcare like?

Could you find a community of people through classes, volunteering, to create a group of friends and support group for yourself out there?

What ages are the DC? How could you manage the move between the two curriculums at school?

Will his work cover moving costs, mortgage payments of your UK house etc? Or would you have to sell up?

Crucially - would you be happy there? It’s such a different culture (especially in Texas, there’s a massive gun culture - would you be happy your DCs going to play dates where there are guns in the house?)

Don’t just walk into this blindly because you feel you should ‘support DH’. Support works both ways in a relationship.

If you look at the option of you staying in the UK and he goes out - well, honestly you may want to look at what you signed up for.

Could you get the support you need if he goes? What happens with kid sickness, after school clubs etc? You’re suddenly having to juggle that on your own. How much holiday would he get? Would his salary adequately cover the cost of flying back and forth regularly? Plus what is the impact on family holidays?

DallasExpat · 29/01/2019 19:02

He hasn't accepted yet. It is his current company that he has worked for for 18 years that wants to post him.

If he says 'no', then he'll not be considered again for good roles.

The financial package is not clear yet. I doubt they would cover my earnings. We lived abroad with his work in an EU country for 6 years. We are back home for 5 now. So the DC have had an upheaval before and struggled. They are 5, 9 and 11.

I can't manage my business from home. Inhave built up a team and employ about 9 people. I could promote someone in the team to manage it.

I think if it were somewhere else, I would be more tempted. Singapore or something.
I hate the idea of people walking around with guns around the DC. Or do most people not have guns there?

OP posts:
DallasExpat · 29/01/2019 19:04

Royal
What has made it hard to find work? You field? Is a work visa hard to get?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 29/01/2019 19:05

In Texas, they are gun crazy!!!

Crunchymum · 29/01/2019 19:09

If you Google the stats show Texas doesn't have as high gun ownership as some states.

My head office is in Houston, I may be biased Shock

DallasExpat · 29/01/2019 19:13

Dyrne good questions, thanks!

Financially it would be a positive, I am pretty sure. The company will pay for housing and any other extra costs. My salary wouldn't be covered but I trust I could find work or set-up another company there (maybe extend the existing company internationally).

It's more that I really don't want to leave. When DH first gor sent abroad I said I would follow him once but not twice. I still feel that way. I love where we live now. We have spent the last 4 years renovating the house. It will be finished in March. He would leave at the end of March (whatever I decide, the DC would finish the school year here).

It's really a great opportunity for him. Not so great for us. But maybe we can manage as a split family for a few years? Many failies do.

We have an au-pair and I can often be flexible in my hours. My mum lives about 40 mins away and my MIL about 75 mins. So I can manage alone practically.

OP posts:
FebruaryHalfTerm · 29/01/2019 19:14

11 and 9 for 3 or 4 years is tough on their schooling. The 11 year old will come back in the middle of GCSEs.

If you pull them out can you get them back in a school here? Will they be able to follow the English curriculum over there?

DH's parents moved abroad for a few years (not US and not from here) in his mid teens and he didn't get a great education. I think that would be my main concern.

However, if the above is sorted I think it would be an excellent opportunity (although I know nothing about Dallas!)

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