AIBU about thinking twice about following DH to Dallas?

[DallasExpat]

He is being sent for work, probably for 3-4 years. High flying job.
But:

• I have built up my own business here. What about that?
• The kids are settled here
• Trump

Anyone with experience in Dallas? Or with following a partner abroad?

wow, that must be a blow, so sorry to hear that!
I have done 3 international moves including the US, and I would not move to Dallas unless I actually wanted to very much, for me. Given your update I definitely think you should not consider moving there, at all.
All the previous posts about logistics like car insurance and paying up front, plus the cultural factors (driving, guns, Trump supporters) -- the only way to get through all that would be to actually want to be there for your job or some other reason. If you don't it'll be soul-destroying. And likely not great for your DC either.

Hello Dallas ExPat. I lived in Dallas for four years. I will admit the first year was tough. We moved to a suburb 20 miles east of Dallas and we had some very unpleasant neighbors who would pretend to be sugar sweet but then something really ugly towards black or gay folks would slip out, testing the waters I presume, and I was miserable there. And weird things happened there. The houses were real nice and all but there were lots of affairs and fighting and not too long ago the county District Attorney and his wife got shot down in their home one street over from our house. I hated it there.

So I made my husband move us into Dallas. We rented an older house in South East Dallas in an older Hispanic neighborhood and it was lovely. Our neighbors were older and sweet but didn't meddle and they had the best parties and we were much closer to everything.

I made my very best friend for life in Dallas, a huge gay man and several other friends I still talk to years after I moved back home. Not one of them is a Trumptard or ignorant in the least and I am pretty sure none own a gun.

Dallas is a huge, diverse city with tons to do. It is by no means full of gun totin rednecks but there are surrounding cities that are.

Rockwell, Plano, Addison, Rowlett, Carrolton are all super nice and not at all how people make it sound. We liked going to the fair every year and the beach is 4.5 hours away. Very little cold weather and lots of jobs.

Traffic sucks big time and I think the highways are confusing. Dallas can be fast paced and some parts are not safe but most the people I met were so sweet.

Houston and Dallas are nothing alike. Houston attracts people from everywhere and it's an odd city. It's Dallas younger, sluttier sister. Fun to visit but for the love of God, don't move in.

Oh dear. Well at least you know where you stand. Better to find out now than after a move! Hope it works out how you want for you and the DC

I'm really sorry to read about your husband. Your home is wherever your heart is.

Yes we do have internet banking in the US! And MANY of us DETEST Trump!

Texas is hideous, and I say that having lived in US for years now. I'd stay where you are. The attitudes, weather, environment etc are just awful.

Sorry OP, missed your last update. Good luck.

I'm sorry op. That's awful. If he didn't love you he wasn't forced to have 2 more children though was he. You're being much more understanding than I would be.

I nevery bit of your posts I hear someone that doesn't want to go.
the location your thinking of.big no.family extremely extremely unhappy there.like seriously hate it and would give anything to come home but now cant afford it.
extremely pro trump and all other (weird) things there.
it breaks my heart to see how unhappy they are.and how lost touch we have all become because now they cant even come home for small trips due to how life has handed them the shit heap.
kids hate it and all dropped out of school and got the hel out of there when they could leaving the parents in the shitty place becaue they couldn't move.
they beg my gd to come home.
we don't know them.you do lose touch with home.
it is NEVER that easy to just come back.expecially from now on in the next few years here.
but witout all that.it to me sounds totally wrong for you and your kids...sorry.i could be wrong.

That must have been quite a blow, OP. Small consolation, but least it didn't happen after you upped sticks.

I’d definitely stay put, and look forward to lots of (paid) trips to visit him and (even better) other parts of the US when he has time off.

I agree that the fact it’s Dallas is maybe 40% of my ‘no’. Also the kids being settled where they are.

Stay put.

My apologies too, I thought I was safe posting having only skipped one page.

Sorry also for him taking this ball and (likely) running with it.

I suspect that once you get the finances and contact schedules figured out, this may actually turn out to be the beginning of a more genuine life for you. Staying together through habit can have a detrimental effect on your mojo, whatever the other advantages. In a way he’s setting you free too.

I didn't sleep much. I have no idea how this will pan out.
In any case, his decision to move will really hurt the DC. Last year he was aborad every week from Monday to Friday between February and June and they missed him terribly. There was quite a lot of crying and misbehaving.
My 11 yo dd is entering puberty and is close to her dad. It will be so tough on her. We are choosing a secondary school for her.
DS (8) is struggling at school, though he skipped a year a few years ago. The school is going to organise an IQ test to see if he is underperforming or not able to cope.

I am angry that he didn't look for another job whilst we were here. When we were in the UK he said he couldn't look for something because we weren't in our home country. We have been here for 5 years and he didn't either. It isn't even about our relationship. It is about the kids. He just wants to be free and fanciful and for everyone else to just jump whenever he says to.

The lovely house we bought is in a location that was easy for his work. I wanted to live closer to my family. So now what? Do I stay here or do I rent something small close to my family and have DD start secondary there. I can still manage my company that way. And he can then rent out our house and get lots more money for it.

I disagree. I think there have been mostly well balanced posts from people who have knowledge of Dallas and not much about America as a whole. In any case things have moved on and OP won't be moving to Dallas.

Op, only you know what the best move is now, but if I was you I’d opt for small house and close to family in heartbeat. I think you’re going to need all the support you can get. Your dd is about to change schools anyway, and your ds might benefit from a change of scenery.

I would be getting legal advice and work out if divorce is the best option and if so when and where is the best time to issue proceedings.

It may be better for him to go this time and the DC k or it's for good.

Yes to moving closer to family.

So sorry for your story. I would say take a bit of time to process this. Don't decide anything this week or next week. One step at a time. If your eldest is just about to start secondary school then maybe move 'home'.... although in the UK all applications are already in and you would be treated as a late application and not get your first choice if it's an oversubscribed school.....do maybe something to think about if your system is similar. Whatever happens you sound incredibly strong and resourceful....you have previously moved countries and set up your business. Good luck.

Thanks to all - in situations of stress I tend to 'take action'. I've already found some houses to go look at and created a dating profile.

Maybe not the best course of action at the moment!

I've deleted the dating profile already and I haven't yet put an offer in for a house.

Schools is not a problem here. Registration starts in April and most schools outside of big towns have enough spaces. There is also not such a big difference between the quality of schools here. There is no private system, apart from the international school system, so schooling is free.

The DC are going to be devastated. Part of me thinks that for them it would be best if I stay put (regardless of whether DH and I stay together or not) as there will be so much change for the DC already. If I take them away from their friends AND their dad is miles away, that is a doubly whammy for them.

I can manage on my own. I will organise structural help, be more flexible with my working hours (without necessarily reducing my monthly income - benefits of owning my own company) and my mother and family in law will help where and when needed (like taking care of them for a weekend here or there so I can have some me-time).

I would rather ensure that this has the least possible negative impact on the DC.

Before the whole relationship doubt came up, I imagined us spending 6 weeks in Dallas in the summer (or travelling in the US or South America) and maybe 1-2 weeks at Easter and H coming over for xmas and regular weekends in between. Maybe we can still do that whilst we slowly start building up our own lives away from each other. I love travelling and would like to introduce the DC in the excitement of travel adventures, without them having to give up their whole lives though...

Your plans sound sensible. I totally get 'taking action' as a way of coping with uncertainty. You are mega steps ahead of me, what with already creating a dating profile .

This is a de facto separation. The question is where your dh and you see your relationship going. Since he dropped the bomb, the ball is more in his court to set out whether or not he plans the family to visit or him to visit the family regularly. Is he moving towards a divorce and new life, or does he want freedom within the context of a relationship (this is caking eating).

Either way, you should get some clarity on this, which you have already mentioned relationship therapy. You sound like you are already making plans to move on.

I’m sorry it turned out like this. You said you wanted a closer family. It doesn’t have to include him.

Well I was going to post that I live in another midwestern American city and it is an absolutely wonderful place to raise a family. The houses are big. The schools are fantastic. There are tons of opportunities for children to participate in activities. The one downside is a distinct lack of diversity, but we try to counter that with education.

But of course that doesn’t matter because your H has decided to drop the D from DH.

Blimey op that was a bolt from the blue