AIBU about thinking twice about following DH to Dallas?

[DallasExpat]

He is being sent for work, probably for 3-4 years. High flying job.
But:

• I have built up my own business here. What about that?
• The kids are settled here
• Trump

Anyone with experience in Dallas? Or with following a partner abroad?

Lots of guns in Texas! Google the stats

Personally I'd encourage him to take it, and I would find a way to make the business work. The resentment that can build, really is not worth it. You can also see this as an opportunity to expand your business in a new market, just get organised and do your research.

But it all depends how much your husband wants this opportunity. Culturally I think America is easier than Singapore so for the kids, the shock shouldn't be as drastic if you understand what I mean here.

FebruaryHalfTerm has a good point. Your 11 year old will come back to either year 10 or 11. How will you manage for GCSE’s? Could they do an English school in Texas? Or Home schooling?
Or would they have finished our GCSE equivelant when you come back?

My DH has been offered work posts all over the world - USA, Canada, Australia and most recently Hong Kong. He has turned them all down after discussion with me. He did do 5 years in Manchester (we live in Scotland) and went away during the week coming home at weekends. I have never wanted to move away from Scotland and he has never pushed it. It has NEVER affected his career progression. Surely you both need to have a full and frank conversation about this and decide as a team.

Yeah, I’ve got to say that the fact it’s Dallas is the one of the biggest problems. Soulless desert city IMO. Have you ever been there? Could you go at half term or something and see what you think?

It's more that I really don't want to leave

^Please listen to what your inner self is telling you, you are fully entitled to act upon those feelings and stay put. You've already don'e it once and then told him that you wouldn't do it again, yet he is wanting you to do exactly that.

Would he quit his job, and upsticks to follow you in your dreams op?

I think your stance of moving once but not twice is fair enough. Too disruptive for everyone in the family.

Would he quit his job, and upsticks to follow you in your dreams op?

I think he might if it were financially feasible. He hasn't accepted yet and we have had various conversations about moving in the past. He knows that I don't want to. He has half-heartedly looked for other positions (well, quarter-heartedly really). He could say no and move to a less senior job here and look for something new then.

We aren't in the UK. Our education system works differently. In all likelyhood they would enter the international system and stay in it ti they are 18.

He'll be home in about 30 minutes. I am going to get the DC to bed and then have a good talk with a (couple of) large glasses of wine.

Thanks all

Don’t forget that as well as coming back in the middle of GCSEs and affecting results, student loans require three years residency which might be touch and go if your eldest doesn’t end up coming back until year 11.

A good frank chat is academy what you and your DH need. I hope you manage to resolve this.

Another difficulty is that there is only 1 job left in this country that he could do. And it will be another 10 years or so before he would qualify for that. So after this posting, it would be another international posting....

Don't know where 'academy' came from!

I got what you meant :)

Please visit first! I have spent quite a bit of time in Dallas and in your shoes i’d be saying no. Not my cup of tea at all. Interesting place in your early twenties, but to leave your life here for it?

I think he could work very long hours with a lot of traffic to commute through.
Making it less worth you and the family being there. And a big upheaval for DCs when their friendship groups are so important to them.

Lots and lots of guns, very slack gun laws, and many, many Trump supporters

I'd send him to Dallas to be honest

I'll take it if I were him. My dh and I have had many periods away from each other over the last 29 years.
Away for weeks but mostly Monday to Friday.
I think it depends on how long is the job in America for. If is a year I'll stay in the UK if it is more than that the money would have to be amazing to join him as you are going to live of one salary.
I think it all depends on the whole package.
Dallas is very nice and can be very exciting to be in America.
I'll love the opportunity. We have relocated without children 14 times over the years.
I'll do it again but now we have a son so I'll like a longer contract before making the decision.

If he says 'no', then he'll not be considered again for good roles.. iME the men say this to get what they want

I was on an l2 and we now have green cards. I was working in the beginning but we had a huge trauma and I couldn’t cope so left my job. When I was ready to start looking again the oil downturn hit and no one was hiring. And now it’s been 3yrs. I look after budgets and project reports on large scale industrial projects. They keep saying it’s improving but My Hs company, that I worked for before we moved here, is pushing out further in the year to start hiring again. I get rejected for every application, can’t even get an interview. Not sure if it’s because I’m foreign and they think I need sponsorship, having a career break, or no degree (currently working towards one whole off work)

“Not wanting to” is a perfectly valid reason, OP. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

You have to be fully on board with this, or else (as PP have said) the resentment will eat at you. Being able to manage financially is only part of it - you have to consider emotional needs, too.

Following your updates i’ll add two more questions to research:

What are international schools like out there?

What are the rules about non-citizens setting up businesses? Can you do it under the standard spousal visa or will you need something else?

I’d also maybe do some research to see if there are any countries you could see yourself moving to - if it maybe is a case of you don’t fancy America but you’d like somewhere in Asia, for example? That conversation is definitely worth having as well. (Of course, if you want to stay put, that’s perfectly valid as well!!)

Is a difficult one. I've known a couple who did this, and their children picked up the pro-gun culture, so they fit in quite well. It may be more difficult if your children don't fit in with the Texan culture. (I wouldn't want mine to!)

Couple of thoughts - you won't be allowed to work in the US unless you qualify for a visa in your own right. There's tax implications which are in your favour though - you declare as a family massively reducing your tax bill for a family where one parent stays home. The flip side is the cost of living is higher in the US - you May well prefer to negotiate private schools or even a U.K. boarding school for your eldest. If you continue your business in the U.K. you will need good accounting advice as USA taxation is on worldwide income.

I would say go for it though, make sure you get a good package but it will be a great experience

I wouldn’t. Dallas would feel very different to the UK. The people, the values, the sense of humour. You’re happy here. Moving for someone else’s job is really tricky. I’ve never known it to go very well unless it’s an amazing place that both people love - and both have opportunities in.

Given the age of your eldest 2 it will be challenge educationally to live in the US for 3-4 years and then come back to the UK systems.

Having read your OP I think you've got a lot to give up and a lot of disruption for the whole family.

It would be very short sighted of the company to overlook your DH in the future if he were to turn it down with the very important and valid reasons you state. Are you sure this would be the case?

The only way I could do Dallas is to be in Highland Park, have a trip to NYC once a month and a trip home twice a year. It's a really tough place to live, regardless of Trump.

Why Dallas? Is there anywhere else this role can be performed? An east coast city? Canada? Personally I'd stay and have him neigotiate trips home every 6 weeks or so, working from home for the week he is home.