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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about thinking twice about following DH to Dallas?

99 replies

DallasExpat · 29/01/2019 18:14

He is being sent for work, probably for 3-4 years. High flying job.
But:

  • I have built up my own business here. What about that?
  • The kids are settled here
  • Trump

Anyone with experience in Dallas? Or with following a partner abroad?

OP posts:
PossiblyPFB · 29/01/2019 20:51

I know Dallas, and there are quite a few really nice suburbs in the wider DFW area. And very good schools. As for a PP saying Dallas is soulless, maybe a bit, but you wouldn’t live in Dallas itself i’d expect, as nobody really does...

I’d make sure your DH’s expat package more than covers your family’s needs and then if it was me, I’d be for it, especially given the career-limiting alternative.

Honestly, Dallas is a cosmopolitan city, I wouldn’t think too much about Texan stereotypes.

Have an adventure OP! Smile

Serendipitybojangle · 29/01/2019 21:48

I would need a lot of persuading to move to Texas honestly. I don't think I would like it.

Chingling · 29/01/2019 21:53

Have you ever been to dallas?

It is a unique place but overall hot and boring (sorry Dallas)

San Antonio and Austin are great. Dallas is a visit one place (I have been twice in the past year - once was more than enough)

Mrshoneyneedsanewhat · 29/01/2019 21:56

Don’t do it! You’ve done it once and now it’s your turn to enjoy your job. I say that as a trailing spouse who’s just returned to the UK from the US. A year became 3, became 5, became close to a decade. If you can’t work there, you’re screwed. And of all the places, Dallas?!

whiteroseredrose · 29/01/2019 22:16

Think very hard. A good friend very reluctantly followed her DH still within the UK but the opposite side of the country. The DC have never really settled and she left all of her support networks behind.

whatacrapusername2306 · 29/01/2019 22:44

I worked near Dallas when I was single, so not quite the same as with children. It will be a culture shock, it certainly was for me. I think there are nicer family areas around if DH is willing to drive 30 mins to work. Arlington is nice, so is Southlake. I found everyone I met extremely friendly, never had an issue with that at all. I’m still friends with the people I met there. It was the little things that made me homesick. Simple things like going for a walk. You just can’t do this, it’s completely alien to them. They don’t have pavements. The heat was quite something, however all buildings have AC. There is definitely more things to keep kids entertained. Even the Mcdonalds have indoor play areas. Eating out is very much part of the culture, and I put on a bit of weight as the portion sizes are ridiculous Grin. I’m sure your DH’s job would cover health care? Don’t forget you have to pay for absolutely everything...doctors, dentists, prescriptions etc. As you have kids, make sure your insurance is good and all will be covered. Having said that, the care you do receive is second to none. If there was a chance for you to visit first, I would suggest to.

whatacrapusername2306 · 29/01/2019 22:46

p.s. its most definitely not cowboy boots and Stetsons at every turn! I only saw anything like that when I visited a ranch. Everyone dresses normal Grin

CoolCarrie · 29/01/2019 22:53

Go and visit Before you and he make any decisions
. Frankly in your shoes I would not go. My Dh has mentioned going to the US next year for work and there is no way I would disrupt our dc education or lifestyle to live anywhere where a total nutter is in charge, but that’s me.

DallasExpat · 29/01/2019 22:58

Well - he says he will go and wasn't all that keen on me and the DC coming along.

I suggested we should have relationship therapy in that case, to make sure we are strong enough to survive.

Turns out he is pretty much checked out of our marriage already. Well, he was never really into it. I fell pregnant on our first proper date (we knew each other before) exactly 12 years ago. He has always resented me forcing him into a relationship (I didn't, he was free to go. I just refused to have an abortion. He decided to stay). I'm trying to not be pissed off but I'm finding it hard.

OP posts:
Quizacabusi · 29/01/2019 23:02

Think very carefully.
We moved to the states for a work opportunity and it’s been very difficult.

Pro’s
Houses are lovely, so spacious and well designed.

Internal flights are inexpensive.

Schools are very inclusive and so children of all ages and abilities mix together.

It’s a great country of oposites so you can see many different types of places within a short trip.

Con’s
Where you are the support for Trump is enormous. So while you think that that’s people’s choice you have to deal with racist, homophobic, misogynist people daily. If you don’t feel the same way then you don’t fit in and that’s tough. It’s something that you are very much aware of, people feel so strongly about Trump and these beliefs and when you are surrounded by that attitude it’s unnerving.

Gun culture is a thing. It’s perfectly “normal” to see people in the store with a gun on their hip, at the petrol station etc.

The cost of living is huge. Food bills are large.

If your husband is paid in pounds and has to convert to dollars your take home pay can be affected by the exchange rate.

It is very very different to the U.K. I thought there would be more similarities than differences. People have a very different mind set and in my experience so far it feels like stepping back in time in terms of women’s equality.

You have no credit score for 12 months minimum. So to buy a mobile or home phone contract, car insurance, house insurance etc you have to pay upfront for 12 months and these things are very expensive compared to back home. Eg car insurance for us back in England was £260 a year, it’s $2000 for 6 months here. You have to have cash to cover this stuff. Oh and they don’t do internet banking payments here, no standing orders or chip and pin! Everything is done by Cheque which you have to pay for.

Health insurance doesn’t always cover what you need, make sure you have dental plans as well as medical.

People do not go out of their way to help you. For example if you call an office and get the wrong dept the call handler won’t put you through, they wish you a nice day and hang up. Also people do not take ownership of anything. So you might speak to someone and arrange to call them for an update. When you call in again they will claim not to know anything about it. It’s hugely frustrating when you first arrive and are sorting out school places, banks, getting a car etc.

If we had known what it would be like we would not have come. It has cost us a lot of money personally despite generous allowances from my husbands employer.

The homesickness can be crippling and not helped with the time difference.

If you are happy where you are I would stay in the UK. If you want to Pm me feel free.

VenusClapTrap · 29/01/2019 23:05

Simple things like going for a walk. You just can’t do this, it’s completely alien to them. They don’t have pavements.

I can remember years ago on one trip to Dallas (might have been Houston, possibly) myself and a colleague decided to walk to the shopping mall next to the hotel. It was literally next door, and someone driving past stopped their car to ask us if we were ok! They were incredulous when we said we were just walking to the mall. We got a cab back.

A friend who is currently living in Miami due to her husband taking a posting there is finding all the driving a massive drawback too. She really misses being able to walk the kids to school, and hates that the heavy traffic means that what is actually a short drive from the school to the activities her dc attend takes an hour, after school, every day.

Capricornandproud · 29/01/2019 23:06

Oh love.... just read your update. I’m so sorry the conversation went that way. Xx

VenusClapTrap · 29/01/2019 23:09

Oh crikey, cross posted with your update. You have bigger problems than Dallas not being very nice. Flowers

elQuintoConyo · 29/01/2019 23:09

Woh! I've just read through the entire thread thinking, 'ooh, difficult choices' when WHAMMO!

He dropped that on you?

Flowers

So sorry Flowers

RandomMess · 29/01/2019 23:09

Blimey guess he sees it as an opportunity to be single without divorcing you SadAngry

BlackeyedGruesome · 29/01/2019 23:19

stay where you are and do not move then. not fair to cause a massive upheaval to the children moving, then another splitting up. keep them in their familiar routines. it will be better for you to be near your family too, and you moving when he is not that bothered about you is not going to be good for you at all.

SearchingForSeaGlass · 29/01/2019 23:34

I'm sorry that this had happened to you. 💐

Rtmhwales · 29/01/2019 23:40

Let him go with that update.

Remind him he will still be liable for child support payments with his new job. The US and UK are part of the REMO agreement so he will still be liable.

MadeForThis · 29/01/2019 23:40

I'm so sorry.

Be glad that he was honest now and not after you moved to Dallas. Think the laws in America could have prevented you returning to England with the dc if he objected.

halfwitpicker · 29/01/2019 23:41

Crikey op handhold Flowers

legolimb · 29/01/2019 23:50

Oh .

Sorry OP .

Huggingslothsallday · 29/01/2019 23:53

Wow that came from nowhere didn’t it! Flowers

Want2bSupermum · 29/01/2019 23:54

Oh let him move to Dallas and let him think he doesn't have to pay maintenance. Haha!!!! One thing that doesn't go down well are deadbeat dads.

You don't need that BS. Let him go. Maintenance in the Us is so much more generous than the U.K. and it's enforced. They will put him in jail if he doesn't pay and make him do community service. They give deadbeat Dads the worst jobs here in NJ like cleaning public toilets. He just made your divorce so much easier. Let him go. No one with DC wants to divorce in America.

Costacoffeeplease · 30/01/2019 00:14

Gosh that escalated quickly, I guess he’s made his choice, now you get to do what’s best for the rest of you

DallasExpat · 30/01/2019 00:18

I don't think he'd not support the kids. He has a strong relationship with the DC. In fact, I think he is starting to feel really torn about leaving them.
The fact is that he has never worked for a different company and this is a 'wow' job in his company. I think partly that he feels great pressure to 'provide'. We live in a lovely large house (not in the UK) but that doesn't come cheap.
I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to be a close family.

He is a good man really. Ok, he doesn't love me but he can't really force that, can he? And he has stuck with the relationship for 12 years and hasn't cheated on me. He could have lied and played around but he didn't.

Pfff - first things first - relationship therapy. I doubt he will get a work visa sorted before april anyway so it will be a while. I want clarity about our relationship by the time he goes though. No more 'stringing along'.

OP posts:
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