To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

[Slothcuddles]

I’m just laughing at you saying 7:30am is early- wait until you have a baby it can feel like lunch times some days! (I know so not the point, I’m only joking!!)

I can understand it’s only 10 minutes to the station, but I can also remember how tired I used to feel at this stage. I worked until 2 days before ds was born, and getting up at 6am for work felt like punishment each day.

I know it’s money being used, but I would say the best thing is too book a taxi for dp each week in advance. So the taxi for a Monday, Wednesday and Friday (or whatever days) is booked on a friday, so it’s done and dusted, and no worrying about whether he can get a taxi or not. (But I’m basing this on where I live, you may get one easily anytime where you are!)

[ShalomJackie]

Seriously buy him a bike!

[Slothcuddles]

At 38 weeks, wouldn't you be too big to get behind the wheel?

I was fine and driving the day both mine were born- but I had small neat bumps on both🤷🏻‍♀️

[Mix56]

Hang on, your finances are separate when it comes to taxis, but he just takes YOUR car. & you are supposed to suck it up. what happens when baby is asleep, you'll have to it wake it up, get into car, etc... at 7.00 am, after a sleepless night.
i can accept that buying a second car isn't ideal, but neither is buying a house with him in my view.
He can surely cycle, or scoot to the station twice a week, if he is too indolent to walk. & I agree, if he can't be arsed to go to the take away when you are heavily pregnant, why should be arsed at 7 am ?

[AliceRR]

At 38 weeks, wouldn't you be too big to get behind the wheel? Regardless, it does sound like you need a second car. Even if a second hand cheap one, something just to get you (or him) around in.

The annoying thing is the car he had which broke down was ultimately repaired. DH wanted to scrap it but just left it by the side of the house for months. My dad got it repaired and then DH had the option to keep it. It would have cost about £400. It was a good car. He said no he doesn’t want it and he never wanted it!

But backstory is that was actually my car that I let him have and I bought the car I have now so that he could have that old car when his broke down. I didn’t need a new car and didn’t really want to give him mine so was quite annoyed that he suddenly didn’t want that cae and never wanted it!!

To get that car back would have been a good solution but I didn’t went to pay for that on top of what I was already paying and had paid for the car we now share. Plus his insurance was about £1000 because he has 9 points

[SEsofty]

I am just worried that in a couple of months you are going to be posting that your husband won’t do anything with the newborn, is expecting you to do all the housework and cook dinner and you are completely exhausted.

Seriously he should be doing everything he can to make your life easier at the moment and to show you that he cares about you

[DrWhy]

You really need to sort out how finances are going to work once the baby is here. The baby is jointly yours, while you are on leave your ‘job’ is caring for it - saving the family the joint cost of childcare, so you are entitled to an equal share of the family income. Do not get into a situation where you are paying your ‘half’ from your much reduced income and eating into savings unless he is going to pay you at least the £500 a month that is his half of the cost of nursery care for a baby! I would generally suggest that all income goes into a family pot, all family spends come out of it including everything for the baby, taxis or cars and the house savings and you each get an allowance for yourselves from it that you can spend or save as you wish. With your DHs attitude though I’m not sure if this will work.

[Ariela]

I think it fair that you should plan when you need the car and arrange beforehand when you will drop him at the station accordingly, but it seems he's not considering this. Running a 2nd car is a considerable cost when you are losing money on maternity leave, so it's efficient use of your money to share the car IMO, I know it's inconvenient to get out of bed when perhaps you don't feel you want to but if both of you feel that strongly then get a 2nd car - or get your OH a bicycle.

I gave up my company car on ML to save on the tax, and walked everywhere. (Didn't give up work till about 10 days before though). We were 40 mins walk from nearest bus/shop/doctors and it is country lane no lighting no footpath so you do have to plan and do by daylight, but I was SO bored knowing nobody and nothing to do with a new baby so went for a good 2 hour + walk every day (sometimes to the shops twice etc) just for something to do.
I lost all the baby weight in no time so that was a bonus!

[LittleOwl153]

You need to sort this out before the baby comes other wise he will be leaving you stranded every day as he will just take the car to the station whether you need it or not.

I would force the issue of getting another car, even if the house then has to wait as I think this is just an excuse (unless you have actually committed to buying somewhere which it doesnt sound as though you have).

You also need to sort out the other finances. He needs to contribute to the baby stuff, the rent the bills etc now - and he needs to take them on completely once you are not earning/ at an increasing share as your income drops. Why should you have to scrimp so that he can stash/spend money that needs to be spent on keeping a roof over baby's head!

He sounds like a sperm doner at the moment. He is either this babys father and your support or he should move out and stop draining your resources.

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

Are you nervous and magnifying everything @Alice. Yesterday or the day before you were getting a bit of a bashing about your DSS. Today your DH is getting a bashing.

[BeanTownNancy]

So he wants to wake up his heavily pregnant wife (soon to be postpartum wife and newborn) and drag them out into the cold, de-ice the car and spend the petrol money to the station and back, OR de-ice the car and drive to the station, look for and pay for a parking space for the whole day. When he could walk or cycle, save money on de-icer, petrol and parking charges and let everyone else have a lie in? And probably take no longer when you factor in the time spent de-icing and parking? Guy is crazy lazy.

FWIW, we have one family car and my husband has a motorbike for his 3 mile journey to work. Sometimes he walks, but he wouldn't wake me up to take him to work unless it was an emergency, because he's considerate and he values the fact that I'm literally growing his child and need rest.

[Mix56]

Sorry Alice he is taking you for a fool. This will not end well if you do not put your foot down over cars/finances/respect/empathy/getting on board that he is soon going to be a Daddy & will be required to do his share.

[whiteworld]

You're 38 weeks pregannt! You're on mat leave and you need to be sleeping as much as you can to put sleep in the bank for when your baby is here. YANBU. Your h sounds like a lazy, selfish fool, I'm afraid. And the other examples you gave don't make him sound any better.

Waking you at 7.30 when you don't need to get up is early. Especially when he woke you coming to bed late.

He could walk the mile, ffs! Or ring a cab the night before. Not rocket science.

What does he do for you, to help you??

[Doyouneedthetoilet]

Tell your dp to get a scooter/moped. It will probably be free to park at the train station. Win win.

[Holidayshopping]

He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way

You need to say-yes, good idea, that’s exactly what we need and then suggest going to look on Saturday.

I hope you don’t own property with this man child.

[Juells]

Plus his insurance was about £1000 because he has 9 points

FFS. Does that not drive the cost of your insurance up if he's a named driver? Does he pay towards that?

[AliceRR]

Parking at the station is free

I don’t think I’m nervous and magnifying things but I’m definitely tired and grumpy! And the car has been a sensitive issue since DH car packed in last Feb

[AliceRR]

Well my insurance with him on is not too bad but he did have a small incident last year which resulted my premium going up, losing some no claims and apparently damage to the car but not that we can see (he never got it fixed as didn’t want to pay even half the £250 excess)

Yes he sounds like a dick when I write it all down!

[SEsofty]

I’m afraid that he really does. Does he have any redeeming features

[punishmepunisher]

1 mile to the station? Why can't he walk or cycle? That's no distance at all.

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

Some people are so bloody selfish. There is no way on this earth my dh would wake me to take him to the station in your situation. If you can afford it he needs to get a taxi.

I’m afraid this doesn’t bode well for when the baby is due. I think you need to sit down with him and discuss what’s going to happen in the future because it’ll be 199x worse trying to discuss it in a few weeks time

[AliceRR]

For those of you saying I should just get up, I have PGP as I think I’ve mentioned. Pelvic pain. It’s manageable but it hurts to turn over in bed, which obviously affects sleep too, it hurts to get in and out of the car... He knows that. I think he should let me rest if it’s just a case or him getting one taxi or walking one mile once in the week

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

Bloody hell ive just read it’s a mile. Ffs why isn’t he walking? My tie dc 11 & 6 walk that to school and back everyday

[swingofthings]

I’m just laughing at you saying 7:30am is early- wait until you have a baby it can feel like lunch times some days!
I had two and staying in bed past 7am was a luxury both times. I was just finish work with my first at 38 weeks and that meant a 15mns walk and 1/2 train journey.

It's not a competition of who is more resilient, we are all different but to me being able to sleep until 7:30 sounds like utter luxury.

Hope you find a way to compromise as indeed, you'll need to be supportive of eachother when baby arrives.

[pickingdaisies]

Bit late now, but you should never have let him give up the other car. As in, No, this is MY car that I drive. You drive that one or you walk.
As it is, you can try and regain some lost ground. When you need or just want the car, tell him to find his own way to the station. It's bonkers for you to have to get a taxi to retrieve your own car. It's YOUR CAR! And I'm sorry but I think you've got a lot of exhausting arguments/discussions ahead of you if you want to stop his takeover.