To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

[CantStopMeNow]

He tells me to get taxis. I pay for them or he says he’ll pay and doesn’t. But if I ever suggests he gets a taxi he lectures me about how we need to save money
Well...isn't he the gift that keeps on giving!
Yet more abusive behaviour from him.

But he doesn’t care at all
So why are you still trying so hard to change his attitude?
Why are you ignoring all the red flags he's waving at you?

[Juells]

...another thing, if you have savings for a deposit is it in joint names, and have you put in equal amounts? You really need to protect yourself and your child.

[cheesydoesit]

FFS! Of course YANBU! He sounds as though he doesn't even like you or care about your comfort. What a selfish prick. I'm sure he would expect you to walk and he go have the car if he had a bad back and things to do. The fact he is shutting you down and not even discussing it with you is shit too.

[AliceRR]

The failure to give you a lift to the baby shower is actually really concerning and demonstrates that he doesn’t care about you.

Is he really worried or in denial about the baby

No he can just be very lazy and selfish

But I think he thinks I’m going to be giving him lifts to the station when I have a newborn. I’ve told him that’s unlikely but he doesn’t seem to take it in

Can’t copy and paste properly for some reasons but yes it’s basically my car that he insisted we share and for the past year he uses it more and more and I use it less and less partly as I’m pregnant and partly as it’s just easier to let him take the car but it means I don’t make plans as much. He’s done well as he’s got use is a nicer car for a lot less money (as we pay half and the insurance is much cheaper even in total than he was paying alone)

As for finances I’m paying for most of the baby stuff. We basically earn a similar amount and we pay 50:50 for joint expenses including the car and household stuff. Petrol and food we both pick up the bill whenever but that doesn’t really work as I ended up paying more. He often claims he has no money. I’m paying for most of the baby stuff too.

I’ve been trying to save more so that I can still pay half of everything while on mat leave but because I end up paying more for food and baby stuff (he bought the car seat and base and one small thing that was a Christmas gift for me but I bought the crib, the pram / travel system, sheets and all the clothes and other stuff we’ve got so far) I simply won’t be able to so he will have to pay more when I’m earning a lot less / nothing

[WorraLiberty]

If he can't do that short walk to and from the station and if you 'don't want him walking in the cold', you're both way over reliant on that car imo.

Presumably you're in the UK. It gets cold in Winter. It's not a big deal.

[Juells]

it's not lazy to not want to get up at 7:30 only a couple of times a week?

I wouldn't dream of asking someone who's 8 months pregnant to get up at 7.30 to drive me when I could get a taxi or walk.

[afrikat]

I think your OH is being very unreasonable. I remember how uncomfortable I was in late pregnancy, I would have been fuming to be woken at 7.30.after barely any sleep to drive someone one mile. My DH and I used to share a car and if I needed it he either cycled or walked to work which is 3 miles away. He didn't think anything of it.
Once the baby is here it will be even worse - after a broken nights sleep the last thing you'll want to do is wrestle a newborn, who may finally be asleep, or in the middle of a feed into a car seat for such a short journey. I think he's being lazy and unreasonable

[AliceRR]

If its a 10mns drive, how can the walk really be only double that?

Because there’s traffic at that time! It’s one mile. It’s abour a 20 minute walk. With normal traffic it’s abour 10-11 mins in the car. No traffic it can be done in less than 5!

[cheesydoesit]

Also completely agree with SEsofty.

[AliceRR]

I couldn't imagine telling my oh he had to walk or waste £4 because of wanting a lie in.

I seem to recall from other posts that your OH supports you a lot in other ways though

[cheesydoesit]

It's really quite mean of him considering the car will be sat at the station all day.

[Hollywoodcheesecake]

Will you be expected to put your baby in the car at 7.30am every morning to accommodate him? Or take your newborn baby in a taxi to the station to pick up your car?
If he won’t walk to the station, you need another car...

[cheesydoesit]

I seem to recall from other posts that your OH supports you a lot in other ways though
Yeah Alice, I was just thinking the same. I think if he was considerate with the car then you would be more inclined to give him a lift in particularly bad weather. From the information given he doesn't sound like much of a team player.

[DamnCommandments]

A mile?! He's having a giraffe! It's time to call his bluff. "Yes, dear. Leave me the car. I need it every day this week, actually." Let him strop. Let him figure out how to get to the station. Let him pay for it. His behaviour is outrageous - over ONE fecking mile!

[AliceRR]

What are the mumsnet favourite redeeming features?

I have posted before abour the car but can’t remember what the context was. It was a similar thing but it was ages ago so can’t have been mat leave related

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

If its a 10mns drive, how can the walk really be only double that?
Traffic?

I frequently sit in stationary traffic watching pedestrians walk past me and out of sight.
No point walking myself as there is 3 miles relatively clear road either end, just a bottleneck in the middle

[00Sassy]

But I think he thinks I’m going to be giving him lifts to the station when I have a newborn. I’ve told him that’s unlikely but he doesn’t seem to take it in

Erm, I wouldn’t say unlikely, I’d say that’s not happening!

he bought the car seat and base and one small thing that was a Christmas gift for me

Was the car seat and base offered as part of your Christmas present? I hope not. And in any case what use is it if he’s taking the car so you can’t use the seat for shopping/appointments etc.

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

You've got to sit down and talk about finances, OP. I admit I'm one of those on here baffled by the concept of separate finances in a marriage, particularly when there are dc (barring situations where they absolutely need to be kept apart because one partner owns a business - but even then personal money can be pooled to a degree - or has a gambling problem or whatever). But it doesn't sound as if you're expecting much in the way of marital solidarity from him when the baby's here. Was it him who said you need to try and keep up contributing 50:50? Why is baby stuff not a joint expense?

[BloodyNorasNeighbour]

OP if you can't communicate now over a car, God help you when your child arrives. You are going to have to start putting your foot down and making him see sense or you are in for a whole heap of disappointment. If he won't share your car nicely don't let him have the keys to it - simple. Honestly agree with the other posters you should seriously consider if this is the right person to be sharing parenthood with, it seems he has no sense of being part of a team.

[SEsofty]

Please, please talk to him.

Having a baby with a lazy, selfish man is going to be hard. And if you don’t get him to understand and change it’s going to be really hard.

You are going to be a family within a month. Therefore he needs to be thinking of you three as a unit

[glenthebattleostrich]

You know what would really save money? Not driving a fucking mile and paying for parking all day because he's a lazy twat.

I don't drive, I walk everywhere that is under 3 miles, which I can walk in around 40 minutes. And I have severe asthma. Even in this weather, which is a bit cold, not a fucking Siberian winter. I solve the cold thing by wearing sensible shoes and warm clothes. The coat and gloves thing is amazing.

He really is a lazy selfish twat. You are 38 weeks pregnant and in pain. If my husband had woken me for some shitty reason like he's a lazy arse I'd probably be divorced by now.

There are many people who seem to have forgotten how exhausting the last few weeks of pregnancy and first weeks of parenting are. It think because he has is a dick he should be pandered too.

[AliceRR]

He has been a lot better since I’ve been pregnant. Generally he has been doing more for me, cooking and cleaning up a bit more, and that kind of thing. But then occasionally he does things which I think show his “true colours” 🤔

Sometimes I don’t know whether he just doesn’t understand what he’s doing or what I’m saying or whether he really does just think the world revolves around him!

[BruceAndNosh]

I can't decide if I should stop reading threads like these about selfish arseholes and the women who are stuck with them, or carry on and feel smug that I'm not married to one.

[SB1189]

I have a controversial & radical idea for your DH that will save time, money, help him be healthier and solve all your problems. He buys a bike and a lock and cycles to the station every day.

[SalemtheBIackCat]

At 38 weeks, wouldn't you be too big to get behind the wheel? Regardless, it does sound like you need a second car. Even if a second hand cheap one, something just to get you (or him) around in.