To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

[Thehop]

I think his refusal to reach a compromise is shit, he sounds lazy and feels like he does t have any feelings of wanting to make things easy for his very pregnant wife in her final weeks of pregnancy

If it was very cold or I was awake I’d take him but a couple of mornings won’t kill the selfish get.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

A mile is a 20 minute walk.
If it's 10 minutes in the car, it's only 10minutes extra for him.
If he takes the car, he has to park, pay and walk from station car park, so another 5 minutes.
Frankly it's a no brainer that he walks

[SEsofty]

I don’t understand why he can’t do a 15-20 minute walk twice a day. That’s what we do for school run and even my two year old can walk a mile or more.

Obviously it is lashing it down then you can go and pick him up.

However this is a symptom of a much much bigger problem. You are very heavily pregnant with your first child. He should be doing everything he can to support and help you and indeed love you.

If he can’t be loving and caring at this stage then when you are both really sleep deprived then he’s going to struggle.

You need to sit down and calmly talk to him about how it’s going to work on maternity leave and how you need him to be more supportive

[HavelockVetinari]

He is a massive LF (Lazy Fucker). Who the fuck gets their heavily pregnant wife out of bed so they don't have to walk for 15 minutes?! It'll be MUCH worse when the baby is here, it's a proper PITA to get them up, nappy on, dressed etc. and then into their car seat for a 5 minute drive.

[LuaDipa]

It's not every day. You basically just have to get up a 7:30 on the days you want the car. That's not that early, it's only a mile away, and it saves you both money. Taxis to work are stressful incase they don't turn up or are late.

There will only be certain days when you HAVE to have the car, so need to be up at 7:30, and you may well be up at that time when the baby is here anyway...

Erm, seriously? All of the first paragraph applies to the dh too, why should she be the only one to give? If he had offered to walk but asked that she drive him one day a week I’d be more sympathetic. Why should their joint car be sat at the station unused all day, every day unless the op does the work to facilitate him? He is being very selfish and this doesn’t bode well.

And we all know how newborn babies make it much easier to be up and out of the house on time. What if baby is still sleeping? Will he insist you get baby up to make his life easier? Or do without the car as punishment? He is being ridiculous, nip this in the bud right now, take your car keys back if you have to.

[AliceRR]

thought you were a bit unreasonable about the taxi thing, until I read that he expects you to pay for it

Well that annoys me too. We share the cost of the car and I often end up getting taxi. Well not often, maybe once a or twice a month, but he’s never got a taxi in the time that we’ve shared the car. What does that say??

It’s the communication that annoys me though. It’s the inability to discuss it if I don’t agree with him. And the inability to compromise. I’m trying to make things easier by saying well I’ll work out what I need to do and what days I might need the car (obviously ideally I’d have my caral the time) so this limits it to a couple of days a week that’s its even an issue but he can’t look beyond needing to get to the station every day and expecting to never walk or get a taxi.

And just for the record that was the same when the weather was better too. If we were ever not working the same day or same time i have to take him to the station or pick him up. Not sure why he can’t walk a mile as i have done it even since being pregnant and having pelvic pain!!

[SEsofty]

The failure to give you a lift to the baby shower is actually really concerning and demonstrates that he doesn’t care about you.

Is he really worried or in denial about the baby

[0hT00dles]

Yanbu! 1 mile is not far at all. And at 38 weeks pregnant you should be resting.

Once the baby comes along, what’s he going to do? Because baby may be sleeping at the time you’re meant to leave/it could be freezing/baby has just done a massive poo and needs a bath.

When pregnant, I used to walk 1 mile to our station in London come rain/hail or shine.

I still don’t drive now (no licence!) and walk my DD1 to school in whatever weather with dd2 in pram (granted it’s a 6 minute walk). Regularly when pg I’d get the train and walk fair distances.

But as you’re 38 weeks, you need all the sleep you can get. It is a regret now that I’ve two that I can’t drive as the car will help you out everyday so I think he needs to think of that once you have the baby if she’s so dead set on not walking.

[Neverunderfed]

He's a lazy arsehole. And unless he has lots of the MN favourite, 'redeeming features' this whole thing would leave a nasty taste in my mouth. Not only because he clearly thinks himself more important than you, he is too lazy to walk one solitary mile.

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

He's being lazy (a mile? He could probably cycle that and be there sooner than in the car, accounting for all the faffing getting in and out of car etc) and you're being (sorry) a bit princessy.

You definitely need to sort out the separate finances thing. Is he expecting you to 'pay your way' on mat leave?

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

Should add that I do hope he's not going to carry on expecting lifts once the baby is here. That's a whole different situation altogether.

[SEsofty]

And to echo others. Lots of babies are awake most of the night and then fall asleep about seven. The major advantage of being your first and not getting up to do school run is that you can stay in bed and sleep when baby sleeps

[JasperKarat]

So it's YOUR car too, his broke sudden and he made the unilateral decision that he didn't replace it he'd just use yours used and then dictate when you could have it!! He's a grown man with working legs a 15 minute walk once a week so his heavily pregnant partner can use her own bloody car is not a lot to ask OP, I'm surprised by some of the reactions here. Of course as you've said you do anyway, if you're up offer the lift. Realistically he should be walking every day, were I live is a commuter seaside town and this is what most people do day in day out.

[Shodan]

I can't believe he's being such a big baby about a one mile walk!

XH walked a mile every day to the station. DS1 walks that same mile every day. I would pick up if the weather were particularly hot/cold/rainy but it's never been expected. Very occasionally ds1 asks for a lift in the morning, if he's running late, but that's fine and he accepts it if I say no.


Your H sounds like a petulant teenager tbh. Maybe you could just 'lose' the car keys...

[SEsofty]

And make sure you have shared finances for all household and baby activities

[AliceRR]

I don’t understand why he can’t do a 15-20 minute walk twice a day. That’s what we do for school run and even my two year old can walk a mile or more.

Exactly but it’s not even twice a day as I’d pick him up in the evening. I would be one morning a week realistically, if that

As PP said I’d have more inclination to do it if I didn’t feel he was being such a lazy tw*t! I usually do take him if I’m up (not since mat leave as that started yesterday but in days I was home for midwife appointments later on or whatever) but it annoys me that he has this attitude.

We spoke about it last night. I told him he should show some willingness to compromise and some compassion. Just like I don’t really want him to have to walk in the cold he might think he doesn’t want to make me get up in the cold. But he doesn’t care at all. He just thinks I should work around him and that makes me less inclined to do it.

If he just say yes that’s fine, if I need to walk or get a taxi one or two mornings a week, I will, he’d probably find I’d be up and dropping him off anyway. Like I said he’s never got a taxi that I can think of since we’ve shared a car (I have) so it’s not like I often make him walk

He tells me to get taxis. I pay for them or he says he’ll pay and doesn’t. But if I ever suggests he gets a taxi he lectures me about how we neee to save money 🙄

[Juells]

TBH I'd worry about committing to a mortgage with someone who's shown how selfish he is.

[ElvisParsley]

Have you posted this before? And everyone called him lazy for not walking then? Nothing has changed. Doesn’t he have to pay to park at the station? Walking would be healthier, cheaper, more environmentally friendly etc.

[wildbhoysmama]

For all those saying 730 isn't that early- it is!!!!! Some of us are not larks! When I was on mat leave (3 times) I would sleep as late as I possibly could. Even without being pregnant or having a new born I could easily sleep until.11am ( if I didn't need to work or get up for pesky children).

OP you are more than entitled to sleep until whenever the hell you like. You are the priority here.

[CantStopMeNow]

It just annoys me he is asking for EVERYTHING and doesn’t seem to be able to compromise
He's also selfish, lazy, uncaring and a manipulative dick to boot.........yet here you are choosing to further entangle yourself by getting a house with him - it's bad enough having his child!

You NEED to put your foot down with him OP - this car is YOURS.
Either he makes his own arrangements or he buys himself a new car - and i would definitely call his bluff re his comment about it being either the car or the house.
In fact, i'd cancel getting the house and take back ownership of my car - and give him the option of either growing the fuck up and behaving like a decent partner or fucking off to the far side of fuck.

You're choosing to put up with this shit from him OP - you can always choose NOT to.
His behaviour is bordering on abusive and i'm not surprised he's upping the ante now that you're pregnant and vulnerable......classic!.

[diddl]

It's a mile?

A fucking mile-what a waste of even getting the car out imo.

[Juells]

So.o.o.o many people told me I was married to a selfish prick, I always thought they didn't understand, it would all change when we had children, blah blah blah. It did all change, he got ten times worse because he resented that he wasn't the centre of the universe, and that allowances had to be made for the baby. It didn't end well - and I wasn't even given the option to end it, he got all his ducks in a row before leaving me flat.

Your OP is demonstrating that his wants will always come before your needs. I know it's difficult, but try not to get your finances too entangled with his, in case he ups and leaves one day.

[SEsofty]

Actually have you posted about this before.

You need to talk to him.

Not about the car but about the fact that he isn’t demonstrating that he cares and loves you . And that very soon you are going to have a newborn baby which is tough and challenges even the strongest relationship

[gamerchick]

My husband was the same with the car even though it's my car. It simply didn't occur to him that my needs were equal to his. It was the default that he would take the car and I would find another way to get places.

Until I blagged his head one night about it until he understood.... Or just wanted me to stop

Now he tries and usually succeeds in making other arrangements unless I'm feeling generous about getting up early and giving him a lift. He'll make arrangements to get home unless again I'm feeling generous about picking him up. The fact that it isn't now expected means I'm more inclined to put myself out.

The fact there is no give on his part OP would make me reluctant to want to buy a house with him tbh. What's it going to be like when babies here? Since he's using the house as a threat, turn it around on him and tell him to forget the house so there now money for another car.

Lazy git not wanting to walk a mile

[swingofthings]

If its a 10mns drive, how can the walk really be only double that?
So he's lazy for not wanting to walk at 7ish in freezing temp but it's not lazy to not want to get up at 7:30 only a couple of times a week?

I couldn't imagine telling my oh he had to walk or waste £4 because of wanting a lie in.