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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this TA throwing my son to the wolves??

92 replies

DONTPICKTHEMILKSPOTS · 28/01/2019 16:05

I'm fucking livid but there's a back story with her so I may be getting irate too quickly.

YES I will speak to a teacher about the 'truth' but there's my 7 year old son doesn't have the capacity to 'think up' this ultimatum.

To DS - "Did you do [naughty thing]? Admit it now and you will miss 5 minutes off your play. I'm going to ask Freddie if you did [naughty thing] and if he says you did you will go on the thunder bolt"

Thunderbolt being the worst thing ever for 7 year old, meaning going to the head teacher and your parents are called. Thankfully Freddie said my son never did the thing.
But this TA seemed determined to land my son in it anyway.

OP posts:

SPR1107 · 28/01/2019 16:11

She gave him two options; to choose which punishment he would rather.

She gave him no chance to be able to say if he didn't do it, or explain himself?

Yup. I'd be livid.

Bibijayne · 28/01/2019 16:12

YANBU.

Shockers · 28/01/2019 16:14

So Freddie said no, but he still lost 5 minutes?

RangeRider · 28/01/2019 16:14

Surely a 7 yo could say they didn't do it? She was obviously pretty sure he had (rightly or wrongly) - just because Freddie said he hadn't doesn't mean much, unless he said 'no it wasn't DS, it was me'.
On the face of it you're over-reacting. Livid? Slightly annoyed, yes, slightly vexed even, but not livid.

MaisyPops · 28/01/2019 16:15

If it happened like that then the TA was out of order.

I think your calm, rational approach of 'I'll seek answers and the full picture' is the right approach. If it is how your child has said it then you need to have a chat with the teacher to move forward.

Wolfiefan · 28/01/2019 16:19

Maybe the TA was saying own up and there won’t be the big punishment?
Good job the other kid backed him up though.

marymarkle · 28/01/2019 16:19

The TA did not handle this ideally, but I would let it go. Its not a big deal in the larger scheme of things.

NailsNeedDoing · 28/01/2019 16:20

I'm not seeing the problem.

The TA suspected he did something, asked if he did it, said that if he did do it and lied about it the punishment would be worse than if he did it and told the truth, and then she went to find out from a witness.

Genuinely can't see what you're annoyed about. If the TA had been determined to 'land him in it' she wouldn't have bothered asking Freddie, would she? She'd have just made him miss five minutes play, and then you'd have something to actually be annoyed about.

Your reaction is daft based on what a 7yo has told you, and really, while I can see your son didn't do anything wrong, the vast majority of 7yos could easily make up a tale along those lines.

Lizzie48 · 28/01/2019 16:20

Certainly if your DS's version of events is accurate, the TA was bang out of order. But you're right to speak to the class teacher before jumping to any conclusions. I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it.

rytonsister · 28/01/2019 16:22

deep breath op. fact finding mission required before you do what i did several times

my ds has asd. sometimes he got it wrong. others he didnt.
keep calm....talk softly. carry a big stick as my mother used to say.

Original poster

DONTPICKTHEMILKSPOTS · 28/01/2019 16:26

The TA denies everything all the time.

There were no witnesses no other child or adult to hear what she said.

She will deny this and make her own version, this is what she does. My son isn't the only child to be crossed by her unfortunately and I'm not the only parent to endure this.
He doesn't have capacity at his age to think up such an ultimatum.
I believe him, but I will proceed calmly and get this figured out.

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/01/2019 16:26

It is not bang out of order to explain that if someone has done something wrong and amits it then the punishment is less than it would be if they were lying. Thats no different than receiving a reduced sentence for pleading guilty. It would have been out of order to punish him without any proof.

Toastedstrudel · 28/01/2019 16:31

Do you really think a TA would have a vendetta against a seven year old?
I don’t see where the problem is in what she did and said.
What would you have done in her situation? (genuinely curious)

aquaviv · 28/01/2019 16:31

Can you not speak to a parent who is on the board of school governors?

diddl · 28/01/2019 16:32

Presumably your son said he hadn't done it & got no punishment?

It's all rather convoluted though & why would Freddy be believed?

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 16:33

Throw him to the wolves?

What wolves?

I think you need some perspective OP.

NailsNeedDoing · 28/01/2019 16:38

What are you on about, 'been crossed by her'?

Do you mean she's dared to tell children off? What is it that you think you're enduring? This is a non event!

rytonsister · 28/01/2019 16:38

at 7, when my son was diagnosed, one particular ta absolutely fucking hated him.

it happens. and while she should have been professional - she wasnt.

he once went to her after the class tore up his xmas cards and she just said "well what do you want me to do about it?"

(my suggestion was perhaps explain to the class that it wasnt a very nice thing to do)

he is 27 now. independent. lovely. working. very empathetic.

no idea why she took against him like she did but she just didnt like him and it showed, unfortunately.

Smoggle · 28/01/2019 16:39

Don't see the problem.

Own up and get minor punishment.
Don't own up and I find out you did it, big punishment.
Turns out he didn't do it, so presumably no punishment.

cowfacemonkey · 28/01/2019 16:40

This sort of thing happens to my son (asd) it takes a lot of time going through events bit by bit over a day or so before we ever fully get to the bottom of things. It’s hard to stay calm because from his perspective that is what happened it’s how he’s processed it. He’s not being creative with the truth and always looks genuinely hurt and upset by any telling off.
If he didn’t lose any play or go to the head then I’d leave it. If he was punished for something he didn’t do then I would have a word

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/01/2019 16:40

Do you really think a TA would have a vendetta against a seven year old?

No but it would be easy to believe that she is crap at her job and out of her depth so she fucks up, as in this case, and then lies to get out of it therefore calling (in this case) the OP's child a liar. If I was her line manager I would be questioning why there have been several cases all of which end with her accusing the child of lying, and it concerns me that it hasnt been picked up on if several parents have complained.

pointythings · 28/01/2019 16:43

School staff do sometimes take irrationally against a particular child. It happened to DD2 - one TA absolutely did have it in for her, and for every child who was brighter and a higher achiever than her own DD who was also at the school. After being pulled up on it several times, she was dismissed. She still caused a lot of hurt to a lot of young children.

But the calm fact finding approach is definitely the way to go.

Ngaio2 · 28/01/2019 16:45

Child was placed in a no win position. Not asked to tell the truth but to admit that he did it. This is putting real pressure on the child who is not at his age as sophisticated in language comprehension as an adult. And further, why should Freddie’s word take precedence over DCs?

toomuchtooold · 28/01/2019 16:48

Seems a hell of a lot of power to be handing to Freddie, who would have had massive incentive to lie if he was up for making a bit of trouble. The TA doesn't come out of that story very well at all - wee Freddie on the other hand is a total hero! Good man yourself Freddie

Shallishanti123 · 28/01/2019 16:49

I would reassure my child that, as long as they’re telling the truth, in situations like this the “thunderbolt” is preferable. If he’s not lying then school can call me up and tell me what’s happening.

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