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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want DD to be moved out of her class.

96 replies

AvaHavanna · 28/01/2019 07:41

Hello all.
Please bear with me as this is causing a lot of anxiety and arguments in my house. I have name changed as I will have to speak about somebody else’s child in this post.
When DD started school she became friends with a child with SN, I’ll call him X. We got on well with his parents and would go on play dates with them and DD seemed happy in their friendship.
They have remained in the same class and are now in KS2. However A is completely obsessed with DD. This seemed to flare up At the end of last year. He freaks out if he cannot sit with her in class however hurts her continually in class. The whole class is evacuated often because of his behaviour, such as throwing scissors. Often DD and a friend have to do their lessons in the next classroom as A is becoming aggressive towards her.
This all came to a head last week when he pinned DD against the wall in the playground. The headmistress had to pull him off. She is now terrified to go to school.
Her teacher has suggested she moves into another class permanently, however DD has a lovely group of friends in her class and I would ideally like her to stay with them. She also adores her teacher who has helped her with her confidence massively.
This is causing so much stress and rows with her DF as he thinks we should just move her. AIBU?
Sorry for the massive post didn’t want to drip feed!

OP posts:
CanIcryandlaugh20 · 28/01/2019 07:44

I will be probably be slaughtered for this but SEN or not they beee to be found what’s in the best interest for all students and it sounds like all students will be effected by his behaviour and even at risk.
He is obviously struggling in the class room they need to address this with and his parents not removing your child from her class.

Phillipa12 · 28/01/2019 07:47

Am afraid i agree with CanIcry

GetOffTheTableMabel · 28/01/2019 07:52

I think you’re right. Moving her is like punishing her for being a victim of violence. Since some of the violence occurs in the playground it isn’t a perfect solution anyway and is unlikely to make her feel safe.
It’s not something you should argue about though - your on the same side and you just want her to be safe.
I think you should resist the suggestion. It doesn’t help your daughter with playground violence - it may even exacerbate that because if it becomes the only time that child can reach her. At last in the classroom there is close supervision of the sort that they cannot guarantee outside (whatever they may say now). At the moment this difficult situation is made slightly better by her friends and her teacher. Why would they take those two stabilising things from her? She is the victim. The solution does not lie with her behaviour.
She has a right to feel safe and to be safe without her education being negatively affected. Stay calm but strong.

Soontobe60 · 28/01/2019 07:52

Totally agree. I'm a Senco and we have several children like this in my school. I'm assuming he's got ASD? With that level of aggression he should have adult support at all times, both for himself and to protect other children. When our children show those behaviours, they are removed from the class (we use TeamTeach positive handling techniques) until such point that the husband are ready to return. Your DD should not have to be subjected to his behaviours, not should she have to move class. School should address HIS needs, and moving children away from him isn't doing that. It won't change his behaviour.

Fairylea · 28/01/2019 07:56

I agree with the first reply and I have a son with autism and learning disabilities who attends complex needs school. He wouldn’t be able to cope in mainstream. Sounds like the child with sen has needs which need more help / support, they shouldn’t be moving your dd.

CanIcryandlaugh20 · 28/01/2019 07:57

Wow I clearly haven’t had coffee this morning sorry that made 0 sense I was typing as walking haha

Original poster
AvaHavanna · 28/01/2019 08:03

Thank you all for the messages. We are so stressed and tired with worry that we are sniping at each other hence the arguments.
I am on maternity leave with a newborn at the moment and DD keeps asking to stay home with us which I do allow occasionally but I’m worried that the more I let her have off the less likely she is to go back.

OP posts:
Cheby · 28/01/2019 08:05

I’m so angry for your DD that they’re even suggesting this. Way to teach young girls that if they are the victim of male violence it’s their responsibility to fix it.

Fully appreciate this child is likely acting this way because his needs are not being met appropriately, and that needs to be addressed for the safety of him and all the other children. But violence against other children is a hard line and your DD has the right to be safe while receiving her education.

He should be moved classes. And then he needs to be given 1:1 support. School should absolutely not move her away from her support system (friends and teacher), because she has done nothing wrong.

Cheby · 28/01/2019 08:06

Cross posted OP; if you have a newborn then this is ALREADY an unsettling time for her, when her world has been turned upside down. Moving her from her class would be so so disruptive, put your foot down and don’t allow it.

HavelockVetinari · 28/01/2019 08:09

I'm not sure the child with SEN should be moved, as he may find the change disruptive. Equally though it's not acceptable for your DD to be moved away from her friends. The little boy needs a full time, 1:1 adult to ensure he and other children remain safe.

ChariotsofFish · 28/01/2019 08:11

She absolutely should not have to move. The school need to deal with the boy properly, not teach girls that they’re the ones who need to accommodate to their own detriment.

I think it’s normal for kids with new siblings to want to stay at home with you and the baby. My DS loves school but still had days when he wanted to stay at home with me and the baby.

MaterialisticMandy · 28/01/2019 08:11

Keep her off for a few days. Meet with the head and refuse to have her moved. Get them to plan for your dd to return to a safe school environment. Discuss this plan together with your dd so that she feels secure about returning.

Ethel36 · 28/01/2019 08:11

I would ask if they can move the 'friend' instead. As your daughter already has a friendships in that class. And you're already struggling to get her to school as it is. When this friend's mum talks to you just tell them to speak to school. As they've noticed the friend is being aggressive towards your daughter so they suggested some time apart for now. Thats all.

NailsNeedDoing · 28/01/2019 08:12

Moving your dd would be a relatively easy solution for them. You need to make sure that it isn't easy for them, so they don't do it. You're going to have to make a real nuisance of yourself, book a meeting with the head, follow it up with email, write to the governors. All your complains will have the added benefits of beingevidence why they can't effectively support the other child in school on the resources that have available, and will hopefully help get them they support they need too.

Lovemusic33 · 28/01/2019 08:13

Have you spoken to the boys mum as you are friends with her? I. Guessing she’s probably wanting to get her son out of mainstream and into a sn school?

No your dd should not be moved as she hasn’t done anything wrong, the school are suggesting this because of the stress it may cause the boy to be moved and the hassle this will cause them (probably more meltdowns), the school should be working with the parents to get the correct school placement for the child, he’s obviously struggling with the MS setting.

JamPasty · 28/01/2019 08:14

Should she fuck be moved! Talk about making the victim suffer for the actions of the aggressor! Poor DD!

MoreCheeseDear · 28/01/2019 08:16

Tell them to move him not her. Stand up to them. He really doesn't belong in mainstream if his behaviour is that out of control.

MrsBertBibby · 28/01/2019 08:20

You need to escalate this. Governors, LEA (unless it's an academy).

I got input from both the local county councillor (pretty helpful) and MP (useless and surprisingly ignorant about school government for a junior education minister, FFS!) when my son's school was descending into chaos.

Poor SN kid needs a much easier environment than mainstream school.

CherryPavlova · 28/01/2019 08:21

The school are failing to meet the needs of the child with SEN and allowing him to get away with unacceptable behaviour simply because he ha SEN. That’s not fair on him or the rest of the class and certainly not your daughter. They have a responsibility to protect the other children too.
Sounds like the staff might be frightened of the child which is never a good place to be if you want to address challenging behaviours. Why is he allowed scissors if he throws them? Sounds like he’s not coping in mainstream, poor child.

WaxMyBalls · 28/01/2019 08:23

There isn't a chance in hell I'd allow this. And why does your DF think it would be ok to move her, easy life?

SaturdayNext · 28/01/2019 08:30

Do you know if the child with SEN has an EHC Plan? I agree with others that what should happen is that the school gives him 1:1 support and also urgently calls in advice about what further support he needs. If they cannot meet his needs properly they should be talking to the LA about whether he needs to be in something like a school with a specialist unit.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/01/2019 08:49

Taking all the emotion out of the situation you are still left with the unassailable fact that the school are not doing all they can to support the other child (A or X). Whatever his diagnosis he is not being best served by whatever support they currently have in place. That he is allowed to be so violent and disruptive not only damages very other child in the room but him too!

If you can you should stand firm and insist that rather than isolating your DD from her friends they should be tackling the problem at its root - the other child and his additional needs. Point it out clearly that you are not blaming the child, you are blaming them for not effectively managing his education and support. They need to do what is best for him too - and the can never be leaving him free to physically hurt other children and to disrupt whole classes.

They simply must do better - or arrange for some one else to do it for them!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/01/2019 08:52

Oh, just realised you are friendly with his parents... have a chat to them, see if there is anything you can do to support them. They are probably fighting with the school to provide a more appropriate package for him.

Together you may achieve more.

Claudia1980 · 28/01/2019 08:52

He should move!! NOT your daughter.

Holidayshopping · 28/01/2019 08:53

Moving your dd would be a relatively easy solution for them. You need to make sure that it isn't easy for them, so they don't do it. You're going to have to make a real nuisance of yourself, book a meeting with the head, follow it up with email, write to the governors. All your complains will have the added benefits of beingevidence why they can't effectively support the other child in school on the resources that have available, and will hopefully help get them they support they need too.

I completely agree.

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