I don’t want DD to be moved out of her class.

[AvaHavanna]

Hello all.
Please bear with me as this is causing a lot of anxiety and arguments in my house. I have name changed as I will have to speak about somebody else’s child in this post.
When DD started school she became friends with a child with SN, I’ll call him X. We got on well with his parents and would go on play dates with them and DD seemed happy in their friendship.
They have remained in the same class and are now in KS2. However A is completely obsessed with DD. This seemed to flare up At the end of last year. He freaks out if he cannot sit with her in class however hurts her continually in class. The whole class is evacuated often because of his behaviour, such as throwing scissors. Often DD and a friend have to do their lessons in the next classroom as A is becoming aggressive towards her.
This all came to a head last week when he pinned DD against the wall in the playground. The headmistress had to pull him off. She is now terrified to go to school.
Her teacher has suggested she moves into another class permanently, however DD has a lovely group of friends in her class and I would ideally like her to stay with them. She also adores her teacher who has helped her with her confidence massively.
This is causing so much stress and rows with her DF as he thinks we should just move her. AIBU?
Sorry for the massive post didn’t want to drip feed!

"Sounds like this child will continue his behaviour in the future and nothing will be done about it. I dread to think how this will play out once he hits puberty and has been taught that nothing will happen to him, only to the children he obsessively molests.

This doesn't help the child who needs help. It also sends out entirely the wrong messge to him, your DD, the other children and their parent i.e. that if a child behaves badly only the victim will be punished. Call the school NOW and say they cannot do this.

He needs to be the one removed not your dd. He is causing alot of upset not only for her but the entire class, he doesnt get to do that and remain in the class. Your poor Dd will feel punished as well as feeling like she did something bad. The child needs to be removed and help sought without affecting the majority.

DD would soon make other friends & can still play with the others.
How do you know that? Popular kids do. But at this age some friendships can be pretty fixed.

Becca Yes he is clearly able to control himself. I am so sorry you are going through this and that the services who should be supporting you are so useless.

Your main concern is your daughter, and the school will not discuss another pupil with you - but - I think contacting the school, raising all the excellent points made by PP's, putting your concerns in writing, may move things towards a better solution.
The school are well aware of the problem; if it's at the stage where a whole class group have to be evacuated, the disruption to their education is great and getting greater.
It's not appropriate for them to discuss his needs with you, but for all you know, they are trying to gather evidence to get him properly statemented and supported. The holders of the purse strings will try to avoid the cost implications of this.
I once taught at a school which permanently excluded a child, with the parent's agreement, as the only way to push things to crisis point, which was brutal, but worked. (Without giving outing details, there were medical issues as well as emotional, and the older siblings had been happy and successful in the same set-up.)
Ironically, the school would probably have managed to keep the child, and maintain stability, if they had been properly funded to give him the support he desperately needed, but the collateral damage was huge.

mary that's what everyone but mental health team and social services think!

Nope nope nope. HE needs to be moved or provided with a setting more appropriate to his needs. Not your daughter. I have a son with autism who has struggled to cope in school and getting support is a bloody nightmare but moving your daughter is not the answer. He needs additional support.

Additionally, you are in no place to say whether the parents are "up for the job". Have you parented a child with SN? It's flipping difficult. They are likely doing their best. They are most likely devastated and trying to work out what to do. It would be ideal if they could face talking to the OP, I hope that comes in time, but perhaps they feel it's inappropriate to deal with it outside of school and they should let school deal with it, which is often MN advice, incidentally. They are probably scared for their DS. Who are you to decide they are not "up for the job"? Who are you do decide who or what this child will become

Totally agree. I’ve been “that parent” where I know everyone hates my child and it’s fucking awful.

For me there has to be a balance here- of course the boy has SEN and the behaviour isn't his fault. But he shouldn't be allowed to bully and endanger the safety of the 29 other DC in the class.

I'd go as far as to say he shouldn't be allowed back in school, as his needs and the rest of the class's aren't being met. Inclusion only works if it's right for the DC concerned AND the other DC. It's gone too far in the other direction now IMO.

No your dd should not move.

Why if he matches in to another child. And then another. Are they planning on moving kid after kid after kid ?

What a ridiculous way of dealing with things.

He needs support. The other children are not there as bait dogs so he has someone to take his frustrations out on so the teachers can carry on with the lesson.

That's not fair on any of them. I feel really sorry for both kids. It can't be any fun being so unable to cope he's reached the point he's violent. And it sure as hell isn't any fun being the one he's fixated on.

I totally agree with your comments on inclusion bluetrees. It seems like it’s just failing everyone now :(

I really don’t understand how a child with SEN has a free pass to physically attack anoth child and it’s the victim that is punished?
If a non SEN child was physically violent there would be tougher sanctions.
SEN should not excuse violence.

I do think children, usually quiet well behaved girls, seem to be expected to put up with situations at schools that no adult would put up with in their workplace.

DC are expected to put up with these situations because unfortunately the needs of the 1 SEN DC are now prioritised over the 29 other children. Parents are accused of 'ableism' and 'discrimination' for not wanting to accept their DC being attacked and threatened. Add that to the lack of funding for support and it's a toxic cocktail.

She shouldn’t be moved if she’s done nothing wrong. SN or not - the child is being violent towards your daughter & the school should be showing zero tolerance for it.

I do think children, usually quiet well behaved girls, seem to be expected to put up with situations at schools that no adult would put up with in their workplace

And whats worse is they are supposed to be grateful for the opportunity. That they were "chosen" for some special role.

It's not right. Kids shouldn't be allowed to go unsupported like that. They should have the chance to work to their capabilities and develope friendships etc. Not become something the other kids are fearful of.

And of adults can't cope with a child it's incredibly unfair to place that burden on a.young child who themselves is trying to learn and find their place in the world.

YANBU, stand your ground and stand up for her. Moving her is the easier option but not in her best interests. The boy should be moved, not as a punishment but simply because this isn't working for him either. I also echo what PP have said about this should be escalated and risk assessments done as he could have 1-2-1 help, or maybe even a specific SEN school or unit would be better if aggression and whole class disruption is a regular thing. But the point is your child shouldn't suffer, and by moving her she will be. I feel your stress, this is awful and you must feel totally trapped but i do feel the school are taking the easy route by hoping you'll just move her and that's that.

Sounds to me like the school is failing the child with SEN and your DD. What happens if he gets fixated on another child? They can't keep moving kids out.

He obviously needs more support to stay mainstream.

I do think children, usually quiet well behaved girls, seem to be expected to put up with situations at schools that no adult would put up with in their workplace.

@marymarkle

Totally agree with this! ^

I agree too. My eldest's additional needs weren't addressed because she masked very well and because she was the quiet, polite, diligent pupil who flew under the radar. She pretty much had a breakdown due to anxiety over bullying and over no longer being able to mask her ASD.
I'm an ex teacher and I am guilty of neglecting those kind of kids too because managing the behaviour of the disruptive minority detracts from everyone else.

OMG
No WAY should it be your daughter who is moved.
The lad sounds as if he needs 1:1 or another school.
Unfortunately some parents of SEN kids won't comply and insist on having them in mainstream. I could tell you an awful take about a big lad with SEN at a school where we've moved from but I don't want to scare people.
Push to keep her in her class. Otherwise she will never build up that part of her confidence which says she is worth more than a guy treating her so badly.
X

Unfortunately some parents of SEN kids won't comply and insist on having them in mainstream

Comply with what?

I’d have LOVED it if my son’s school could have told us they couldn’t meet his needs so we could move him somewhere with a communication disorder unit. They wouldn’t/couldn’t so we did the only thing we could which was move him to another mainstream school we thought would be better.

Stop blaming parents. Most of us do actually know our own children and want them to be in an environment where they are settled and happy rather than miserable and having us live on edge with worry every moment they are in school.