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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I really don't fancy my OH

117 replies

Iaintdonenothing · 27/01/2019 14:49

Just that really. We met at a mutual hobby, and slowly fell for each other. He even jokes that if he spoke to me at a bar I would have walked the other way.

I just really dislike his fashion choices (big baggy hoodies, jeans that show his underwear but are skinny on his legs with white trainers). His hair style is just awful (looks like hes got a bowl cut), and he wears a flat cap over the top. He actually looks like a 15-year-old on a long haul flight - I don't think I'd mind so much but he pays a huge amount for these 'designer' brands and is quite into his 'fashion'.

He suits a beard but when he shaves it off he's really not a good looker. He's also gained a few pounds but that bothers me the least.

I feel really bad for feeling this way and I try not to mention it to him as I know if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be classed as abusive for wanting to change the way he looks.

I do love his personality and him just not the way he looks. He's always showing me new things what he's bought and all I can say is umm. The only item I like is his beany hat as it hides his hair. I mean, the hair is my biggest issue and when he gets it cut back in my heart stops.

He's now getting paranoid about it and always asks me what I think, or asked me if I think he looks good and I tell him I love him.

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 27/01/2019 14:50

You can tell him his hairstyle is unflattering surely?

ASAS · 27/01/2019 14:51

A 15 year old on a long haul flight (yes, I'm going to hell)

Maelstrop · 27/01/2019 14:51

Are you married? Live together? I think it's time to split.

Lavenderee · 27/01/2019 14:52

You need to be honest.

TrudeauGirl · 27/01/2019 14:54

You need to let him go to find somone who loves him for who he is looks wise.

Do you like anything about his looks?

TrudeauGirl · 27/01/2019 14:55

I'm not surprised he's getting paranoid about it

Sorry i know I sound bitter but my stepmother used to get at my dad for his looks and it really upset me. I'm glad they split up. She was awful to him.

Original poster

Iaintdonenothing · 27/01/2019 14:59

I really don't like anything. He really suits a beard but when he shaves it off I really don't like his face (I know it's awful to say and I'd never say it to someone in real life).

I've dropped hints, and to be honest I drop too much as it's really bad how much I want him to change his look. I mean he needs a whole overhaul!

I don't even know how to dump him if I wanted to. We're really good in other ways it just that he looks like he's going to go see his mates in Maccies on his BMX scooter.

OP posts:

ChodeofChodeHall · 27/01/2019 15:00

A bowl cut with a flat cap? I'm cringing on your behalf, OP! Maybe he needs to be with someone equally as... Flamboyant.

Auba14 · 27/01/2019 15:00

The first thing I thought when I read this was 'I wonder how old he is' as he sounds like the 15 year old boys who Instagram their cheeky Nando's. His clothes don't exactly sound age appropriate.

Have you ever gone on a shopping trip and suggested items to buy? He can always buy designer and actually look his age still.

PatPhoenix · 27/01/2019 15:01

I never cracked this one. My dh was clean shaven when we met. I also liked him with stubble or a neat beard, but for a few months he let it grow long and straggly and oh my god it was off putting. I never told him.

I guess I would ask, does he ever wear stuff you do like? can you give unstinting praise and hot action at those times? what about, when he asks, sitting down and asking him why he wants to know? say the truth, that you love the bones of him but his style is different from your preference. He can choose what to look like but if he wants your approval, you need to talk more. go one step at a time and look for minimal changes (hair sounds most hopeful).

ChodeofChodeHall · 27/01/2019 15:01

Is he maybe having a bit of a mid life crisis?

Original poster

Iaintdonenothing · 27/01/2019 15:08

Even when he met my parents I was expecting him to dress more age appropriately but nope. There's no way I can introduce him to my grandparents as I'm sure my gran/grandad will definitely say something.

I've tried doing positive compliments such as I LOVE when your hair grows back so (the bowl cut) is less subtle. I tell him that it suits him more/handsome when he's got a full head of hair but he still goes to get half of it shaved off.

I don't even know where to start with the clothes. I honestly don't.

OP posts:

Insomnibrat · 27/01/2019 15:12

Is he Kevin off of Kevin and Perry?

Are you Mrs Patterson?

rytonsister · 27/01/2019 15:14

just be honest? he is asking you anyway!

i really appreciate it when my dp tells me if i look awful in something. sometimes i wear stuff i know he doesnt like anyway but its when i wear ugg boots and hareem pants...doesnt look awful just not to his taste and a bit shapeless but sometimes i like being a slob and other times i get dressed up!

DishingOutDone · 27/01/2019 15:14

Do you want to join forces with the OP on this thread and maybe send them on a day out together?!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3491320-to-be-fed-up-of-how-my-dp-wears-clothes?watched=1&msgid=84476232#84476232

aintnothinbutagstring · 27/01/2019 15:17

How old is he? I went out with a guy that I was into personality wise but not anything else was I into really. I was embarrassed by how he dressed quite often especially in front of friends and family. And then obviously attraction was not there so sex life was lacklustre. I realised how important it was for me to have that physical attraction as well as personality otherwise you'll never have real intimacy. It sounds like there is too much you want to change, it's not just a small thing, it's his whole appearance.

RomanyRoots · 27/01/2019 15:22

You have to be honest with him, this is why people have affairs or get divorced.
it's not abusive to have a frank conversation. There are times me and dh have been honest about certain aspects of appearance, giving the other time to do something about it.
If you are going to be in a LTR it's essential.
Speak to him, buy him clothes you like, suggest ways for him to have his hair styled etc.
Otherwise leave him, but a waste of both your time to be in a poor relationship, where you don't fancy him.

ravenmum · 27/01/2019 15:25

So you've never fancied him? Why are you with someone you don't fancy? Or are there things you do fancy?

My bf is balding and overweight, and always dresses in jeans and a shirt, for every occasion. But even from the first time he met, there were always things I fancied about him, and now we've known each other a couple of years, when I spot that shirt and jeans and balding head in a crowd I feel pleased, as I am happy to see him.

UpTree · 27/01/2019 15:30

How long have you been together? How old are you both?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 27/01/2019 15:32

Is there sexual attraction? Do you fancy him with his clothes OFF?
If he was just out of the shower (with wet, less bowl-y, hair) would that doit for you?
If not, there’s no way back from this.

SheeshazAZ09 · 27/01/2019 15:52

As you say you love him, take him shopping, not for a complete wardrobe overhaul, but just one thing at a time, eg take him out to look for a pair of trousers or top that you want to buy him for his birthday/Xmas/Valentines/other occasion present. Suggest he try on things that think are promising and jointly decide what looks good (tho actually you will be in charge of this decision, just enthuse when you find something that suits him). Re the hair, 'arrange' it in what you think is the beginning of a better style, compliment him on how much better it makes him look (brings out his nice eyes etc), take him to your hairdresser as a treat, and explain to them clearly what's wanted.

Honestly you are half-way there with him as he already asks your advice. You need to take this in hand while reassuring him you love him and just want to bring out his good points more (legs, eyes, upper body shape, whatever they are).

I speak thru experience! There is light at the end of the tunnel and many of us have trod this path ( :

However if you don't fancy him however nicely he dresses/scrubs up, I'm afraid it's doomed.

TatianaLarina · 27/01/2019 15:54

I think you’re just not that into him OP.

I don’t think you need to be honest, I think you just need to end it. Another woman might find his whacky teen style endearing.

Original poster

Iaintdonenothing · 27/01/2019 15:55

We're both mid twenties and been together just over a year. The hair cut has slowly became more bowl cut evertime he gets it cut. I knew that he's ex used to buy him a lot of his clothes so I guess I thought it was all her doing and that he would sort it out.

Now he's gained weight I don't find him that sexy when he's naked but right now that's the least of my issues. I just don't want to be embarrassed what he's wearing.

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 27/01/2019 15:59

It doesn’t sound as if you love him or even like him very much. Maybe split and find someone else? Once something starts to irritate you about someone it doesn’t get better only worse...

Winnie2019 · 27/01/2019 16:00

Don't drop hints about clothes or try to change him that's awful and I'm surprised at the number of people suggesting this approach!

You don't fancy him. End it.

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