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AIBU?

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Original poster

I really don't fancy my OH

117 replies

Iaintdonenothing · 27/01/2019 14:49

Just that really. We met at a mutual hobby, and slowly fell for each other. He even jokes that if he spoke to me at a bar I would have walked the other way.

I just really dislike his fashion choices (big baggy hoodies, jeans that show his underwear but are skinny on his legs with white trainers). His hair style is just awful (looks like hes got a bowl cut), and he wears a flat cap over the top. He actually looks like a 15-year-old on a long haul flight - I don't think I'd mind so much but he pays a huge amount for these 'designer' brands and is quite into his 'fashion'.

He suits a beard but when he shaves it off he's really not a good looker. He's also gained a few pounds but that bothers me the least.

I feel really bad for feeling this way and I try not to mention it to him as I know if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be classed as abusive for wanting to change the way he looks.

I do love his personality and him just not the way he looks. He's always showing me new things what he's bought and all I can say is umm. The only item I like is his beany hat as it hides his hair. I mean, the hair is my biggest issue and when he gets it cut back in my heart stops.

He's now getting paranoid about it and always asks me what I think, or asked me if I think he looks good and I tell him I love him.

OP posts:
Unbias123 · 27/01/2019 16:54

OMG! OMG..Oh the freakin hypocrisy.
If a man wrote the same about you (a woman) he'd be lynched, castrated, flogged in public and sent to his death by feminists!
The site would be awash with women screaming he is a sexist chauvinist bastard and you should dump his sorry ass!
For those reasons and only those reasons I have no sympathy for you

toffeeapple123 · 27/01/2019 16:54

I'd be more direct and say you'd like to give him a make over.

But if it doesn't work out, cut your losses - you're still so young!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 27/01/2019 16:56

Do you fancy him naked?

That's the key question, OP! My DH has never had good dress sense (he can look decent in the right outfit, but he seldom wears one Grin) but the sexual chemistry was intense from the start so it didn't really matter.

As a PP said, if you don't fancy the pants off him at this early stage, let him go and you'll both find partners who are right for you. No point stringing it out.

ReaganSomerset · 27/01/2019 16:57

Tricky. Style evolves over time, my DH lived in combats and t shirts when I first met him but has changed what he wears totally over time (I did guide this a little tbf).

Saying that, there isn't much he can do about his face, so you might be better off calling it a day.

Hogtini · 27/01/2019 16:59

Also imagining Lloyd Christmas/Perry from Kevin and Perry.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/01/2019 17:01

Time to let go OP, set yourself free, so that you both, can find real love.

MsTSwift · 27/01/2019 17:02

I think the advice would be the same if the sexes were reversed don’t get the frothing outrage there. Mid twenties no kids you date who you want you have no obligations. I’ve refused second dates because I didn’t like someone’s shoes/laugh etc

Aridane · 27/01/2019 17:05

Let him go so he can find someone who likes him, loves him and fancies the pants off his big baggy hoodies

iwillkeepthishouseclean · 27/01/2019 17:05

Dump him or just be honest and do yourselves a favour !

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 17:06

We're both mid twenties and been together just over a year.

I thought you were talking about a marriage or LTR with kids. If it's been a year and you don't feel attraction, that's a horribly bad sign, tbh. It sounds like a pretty deep-rooted distaste, almost, as well. IDK. I wouldn't want a partner who felt that way about me, and I don't imagine you would, either. It does sound as if it's time to let him go. I'm sure someone else will adore him, and you deserve a partner you really find, well... fuckable.

Ebbs and flows are normal in a long marriage. I don't think this early bodes well at all. (Did you EVER fancy him that much?)

You can love someone very deeply without being attracted, and it sounds like you're sleeping with your best friend, tbh.

SimplySteve · 27/01/2019 17:08

Now he's gained weight I don't find him that sexy when he's naked but right now that's the least of my issues.

It's really, really not.

LadyRochfordsIcedGusset · 27/01/2019 17:08

Sorry OP but after just a year together, whatever age, you normally have permanent love-goggles on and see no flaws, whether they're the most attractive one around or not. Doesn't bode well.

Whothere · 27/01/2019 17:11

If that’s his style and it’s so different from yours, I would end it. It’s not like it can be tweaked and you would be happy. It sounds quite extreme. I’ve seen young lads with that short bowl cut and it’s not flattering on anyone.

Having said that, young people experiment with fashion in their 20s and he might not look like this forever. What job does he do?

MegMez · 27/01/2019 17:12

It sounds like you’d be better off as friends.

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 17:12

OMG! OMG..Oh the freakin hypocrisy.
If a man wrote the same about you (a woman) he'd be lynched, castrated, flogged in public and sent to his death by feminists!

Interesting thing: this is a site mainly populated by women - almost overwhelmingly so - and therefore usually slanted to a woman's perspective. But I'm yet to see a thread such as this without several women posting protests at how unfair this is to men. Have you been on many sites catering to men, at all? And do you find men popping up on those with similar regularity - or, indeed, ever - to defend the women's perspective?

I haven't. And I've seen some deeply misgynist threads on a fair number of sites. I follow ice hockey, and I am on two sites that are on the whole okay, with just the mild, normal misogyny you usually get. Decent guys, on the whole. But nobody challenges the casual misogyny there, at all. Blind to it. And many other sites are rampantly and openly misogynist, with nary a concern.

I just find it interesting that so many women are so quick to police other women's perceived lack of fairness, in a world that is overwhelming slanted to privilege men. It's not a reciprocated kindness.

category12 · 27/01/2019 17:17

Ditch him, you find him embarrassing when at minimum you ought to not give a shit about it.

Alternatively, tell him you hate his clothes and his haircut and don't like his face(!) (Sweet Jesus.)

SimplySteve · 27/01/2019 17:19

Yep perfect, I'd say it's far worse on predominantly male boards actually. The misogyny is prevalent and breathtakingly nauseating. Hence why I don't visit them anymore.

ravenmum · 27/01/2019 17:20

Good point @perfectstorm - but men are not my benchmark.

Pringlecat · 27/01/2019 17:25

Is this your first relationship? I ask, because you seem so reluctant to give it up and yet it's clear from every single one of your posts that you're settling in some very big ways.

You're both still very young - imagine you grow old with this man, get married, buy a house (humour me, let's pretend in this imaginary future houses are affordable) and have kids (assuming you want to be a mother). On a scale of one to full-of-nausea-and-dread, how does that future feel to you? He's only going to go downhill from here - people tend to get fatter, wrinklier and dare I say it, balder, as they grow older.

Why do you think you have to settle for being in a relationship with a man you don't particularly seem to like very much? What's so scary about the concept of being on your own for a bit?

NameChangeNugget · 27/01/2019 17:30

Kick him into touch. An overweight bowl head?

You clearly dislike him!

Unbias123 · 27/01/2019 17:32

Interesting replies.. 'perfect storm' has issues with men. I get that. But how many women treat men or discuss them in a way which they quickly condemn when they are the subject. Hypocrisy abounds..

biscuittime · 27/01/2019 17:33

I personally think clothes can be changed and the most important thing is (if this is a forever relationship) the type of person he is. Life will at some point be shit, is he going to be the man that will stand with you. Also when life is good is he the man you want to be with? If the answer is no - then run !

Original poster
Iaintdonenothing · 27/01/2019 17:33

I think a lot of PP are right; I love him more as a friend now. I seem to go bumbling along until something happens (he doesn't show up, is but if a dick etc) and I dump him. I settle back down and realise I was probably out of order as he wasn't that bad and we carry on like nothings happened. But I try to dump him but I don't know how. In past relationships it's always been the same, something has happened and bubble over and finish it right there. The past few months it's been really good so I just feel really bad for finishing it and the main reason being that his style makes me cringe. I think I'm going to right a letter than I think we should just be friends (I've tried dumping him to his face but I just can't do it).

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 27/01/2019 17:37

Hypocrisy abounds..

It's almost like we live in a world where men and women are treated completely differently to each other and therefore different advice is warranted. I can't understand it because everywhere I look men are judged on their looks and women aren't. Men have to stop acting in their 30s but women are still cast into their 60s with love interests half or a third their age. World leader who are men are judged on their legs and not their policies and the male beauty industry is worth billions. I feel so sorry for men, unable to wear the same suit every single day to work. And women can have 'mum bod' and still be attractive while men have to starve themselves to be attractive.

Go tell them off on some male sites.

Anonanonanariston · 27/01/2019 17:37

Oh Christ, don't write him a sodding letter to 'dump' him. Poor sod. You're in your mid-twenties? So act like an adult, not a teenager and have a face-to-face discussion. Don't, for god's sake, say it's his dress sense. You can say the chemistry isn't there anymore. That's truthful without being unecessarily cruel. But don't be a coward.