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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I really don't fancy my OH

117 replies

Iaintdonenothing · 27/01/2019 14:49

Just that really. We met at a mutual hobby, and slowly fell for each other. He even jokes that if he spoke to me at a bar I would have walked the other way.

I just really dislike his fashion choices (big baggy hoodies, jeans that show his underwear but are skinny on his legs with white trainers). His hair style is just awful (looks like hes got a bowl cut), and he wears a flat cap over the top. He actually looks like a 15-year-old on a long haul flight - I don't think I'd mind so much but he pays a huge amount for these 'designer' brands and is quite into his 'fashion'.

He suits a beard but when he shaves it off he's really not a good looker. He's also gained a few pounds but that bothers me the least.

I feel really bad for feeling this way and I try not to mention it to him as I know if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be classed as abusive for wanting to change the way he looks.

I do love his personality and him just not the way he looks. He's always showing me new things what he's bought and all I can say is umm. The only item I like is his beany hat as it hides his hair. I mean, the hair is my biggest issue and when he gets it cut back in my heart stops.

He's now getting paranoid about it and always asks me what I think, or asked me if I think he looks good and I tell him I love him.

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 27/01/2019 17:38

Just text him, say you think you’re incompatible or whatever else. Then block his number from your phone so there’s no begging texts. You have to leave it so that there’s no hope, it’s not about him changing just you need to make sure there is nothing he can do.

C0untDucku1a · 27/01/2019 17:38

Op youre mid 20s. Leave him. Dont settle.

NotAColdWomanHenry · 27/01/2019 17:41

A 15 year old on a long haul flight

That's such a fabulously precise insult!

Seriously though, not fancying him, and feeling that sense of dismay at how he dresses and looks, doesn't bode well and won't help you maintain a relationship long-term.

I don't think trying to change him is OK really - certainly not in any way that he would be aware of and feel controlled by. That's who he is and it basically makes you less compatible. It wouldn't be fun carrying on like this for years and years - for either of you.

Take out the fancying and nakedness, and what you've got is a friend. Is he maybe someone who should have just been a friend?

I mean when you do fancy someone and they make you go weak at the knees, it's a whole different experience.

ravenmum · 27/01/2019 17:43

"I'm sorry, I don't feel a spark and you deserve someone who really fancies you and wants to be with you. I don't want you to waste your time with me, when you could be with someone who suits you."

Unbias123 · 27/01/2019 17:44

Pratchet- more men than women die in wars. Men underperform in education. More men are imprisoned than women. The suicide rate is higher amongst men. Men are more likely to be the victim of a violent crime. Men have a shorter life expectancy and on and on. Using a minuscule number of unrepresentative males at the top of a miniscule number of elite fields is misguided..

Jezzifishie · 27/01/2019 17:44

The thing is, telling someone you don't like the way they look is brutal. My DH told me yesterday that he doesn't find me as attractive now that I've put on weight. I am devastated. I am feeling self conscious about the way I look, and second guessing every mouthful I take. If you're not compatible, that's fine. Trying to change him (if he's happy) is actually rather cruel, and your subtle hints aren't kind either.

Whothere · 27/01/2019 17:45

Tbh I think there would be similar responses to a man who said his partner modelled herself on Honey G.

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 17:51

@ravenmum - so you choose to police men and women equally, right? If you're on a comment board that has both, and isn't single sex? After all, casual misogyny surrounds us all - yes?

I've literally never seen anyone say a word on a mainly male board. Because it wouldn't be tolerated. But women don't explode at other women policing them. Men go nuts, no matter how polite you are. One guy recently was posting in a discussion on Crick, Watson and Franklin, and he called the men by their surnames and Franklin, "Rosalind" all through. I responded to his point, but noted the name thing as an aside... and he went ballistic. Really, really ballistic. And that's always been my experience on mixed sex sites, let alone all male ones. Women police other women, and people are generally fine with that, but a woman noting a man's sexism is met with outrage.

I don't know. I used to do it too, actually. And then I read something that made me wonder why. This woman runs a charity to support men, and has been met with nothing but praise, support and money. Her academic work focuses on women's victimisation... and she is constantly, endlessly attacked for not including men,

We seem way, way more concerned about being fair to men than about women full stop, on the whole. Socialisation is a powerful thing.

Mother87 · 27/01/2019 17:58

15 year old on a longhaul flightGrinGrin

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 18:00

@Unbias123 - good of you to prove so much of my point. Thanks! Grin

Sparklesocks · 27/01/2019 18:02

I think as you’ve been together a year he deserves a face to face break up, not a text or a letter. That’s how adults break up with each other.

AnoukSpirit · 27/01/2019 18:02

I seem to go bumbling along until something happens (he doesn't show up, is but if a dick etc) and I dump him. I settle back down and realise I was probably out of order as he wasn't that bad and we carry on like nothings happened.

Sorry, what? You have a really weird idea of what a healthy relationship looks like...

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/01/2019 18:03

Is this another of these really strange men who thinks a break-up requires the consent of both parties?

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 27/01/2019 18:03

I felt the same as you,tried to ignore it and eventually and for plenty of other reasons I divorced him.Married now to dh who I fancy the arse off.

AnoukSpirit · 27/01/2019 18:05

Oh, and if we're going to talk about the poor little men being the majority of prisoners and the majority of victims of violent crime we should maybe mention that it's men carrying out those violent crimes and that's why they're in prison...

More women attempt suicide than men... Wanna talk about that too?

Unbias123 · 27/01/2019 18:11

This reply has been deleted

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Unbias123 · 27/01/2019 18:13

Hey Pratchet - here here flush all men down the toilet. Lol

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/01/2019 18:16

Hey Unbias, learn to spell my name if you want me to engage with you.

Actually don't bother. What's that quote about arguing with idiots and pigeons playing chess?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 27/01/2019 18:17

Mid 20s, only been together a year and you don’t fancy him either with or without clothes? Honestly just end it now, tell him it’s not working, you don’t have enough in common, whatever.

But please don’t tell him you’re embarrassed by him in any way. Firstly, because it’s your issue, not his and it’s not fair to make him feel shit about himself and secondly, this is him, he hasn’t changed (weight gain aside and even then I don’t know how much he’s put on) you just expected him to fit in with what you deem acceptable.

Pringlecat · 27/01/2019 18:19

I think the kindest thing to do would be to explain that you haven't been happy for a while and you know you've been off with him. It's not anything he's done or can change, but you're no longer feeling any chemistry and you would rather part before you say anything hurtful that you can't take back.

Don't criticise his fashion sense - there's no point in making really specific digs. You don't love him (anymore?), so everything about him is annoying right now. If you did love him, you'd probably find his awful taste endearing. There's no point in twisting the knife.

ravenmum · 27/01/2019 18:19

@perfectstorm - I'm not sure you understood my comment. I said that men are not my benchmark; that is, I don't take what men do as the standard I need to copy. I can't say that I "police" anyone, usually. I agreed with you that you were making a good point about men not policing themselves. What am I meant to have done wrong now?

ravenmum · 27/01/2019 18:26

But women don't explode at other women policing them.
I didn't explode at you policing me, but I did make an alternative point. Was that wrong or right? Confusing.

ItsMEhooray · 27/01/2019 18:34

'OMG! OMG..Oh the freakin hypocrisy.
If a man wrote the same about you (a woman) he'd be lynched, castrated, flogged in public and sent to his death by feminists!
The site would be awash with women screaming he is a sexist chauvinist bastard and you should dump his sorry ass!
For those reasons and only those reasons I have no sympathy for you'

Yes of course, we all know that all men are unfailingly polite about women's appearances!

How about fuck off with your poor men bullshit. It's not up to you to 'call out hypocrisy'. Jesus Christ can women not have ANYWHERE with this MRA crap seeping in,

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/01/2019 18:35

Jesus Christ can women not have ANYWHERE with this MRA crap seeping in

Under his eye.

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 18:39

Okay, @unbias123, I'll bite.

Pratchet- more men than women die in wars.

In the field, sure. Civilians, nope. And women have been fighting really hard to be allowed to fight, so that's a fairly redundant point, isn't it. "Women banned from dangerous profession don't run the risks of that profession." Astonishing.

Men underperform in education.

Fun fact: women have always done better at school at primary level. Then social conditioning kicked in and men overtook them. For that reason, grammar school places used to be weighted at the 11 plus in favour of boys. Nobody made much of a fuss about this. The only time people began really expressing alarm was when women overtook men... even though that doesn't play through to career level success. Men are disproportionately represented at the senior levels of all professions relative to numbers, including nursing and teaching. I agree that there needs to be a look at why white boys, especially, do worse. And there is. It's a key aspect to teaching now, according to primary teacher friends. It's not something nobody cares about or notices. It's a big deal.

More men are imprisoned than women.

They commit more crime. Socialisation has a large role to play there, I absolutely agree, and it's a way society lets men down. But I think that's another way misogyny harms men as well as women. Having said that, men are more likely to be jailed than women for the same offences, because women are seen as less inherently threatening than men. It's less notable for non-violent offences, but still present as an issue. And it does need to be addressed, no question. But social attitudes are slow to change, and women are also better at presenting as penitent. Years of socialisation.

The suicide rate is higher amongst men.

This is actually really close to my heart. Huge, huge issue, male suicide; one that affects my family directly, and one I'm involved in campaigning about, as it goes. The reasons are numerous but it seems men tend to choose more violent (and effective) methods, but more, men feel less able to admit to weakness and vulnerability, and to reach out for support. Women get a lot of direct, overt, spoken emotional support from their friends in a way that is rarer amongst men. That, again, is another way our culture harms both men and women with gender stereotypes.

Men are more likely to be the victim of a violent crime.

At the hands of other men, not women. Male violence affects everyone, because most people aren't violent. But when they are, they're overwhelmingly more likely to be male.

Men have a shorter life expectancy

That gap's actually closing, and the stats indicate equality will be reached by 2032. Brilliant news. Smile It's believed to be because cuts in smoking and drinking have disproportionately affected men. Same with RTA. And male-presenting heart disease is far better treated now, too.

and on and on.

Like what? Genuinely interested if you are.

Using a minuscule number of unrepresentative males at the top of a miniscule number of elite fields is misguided.

Men are hugely over-represented at the top of every single field. That's just statistically obvious, and also obvious to anyone with eyes. Parliament, the judiciary, the police, all the professions, business, finance and industry. The more senior roles are overwhelmingly held by men. That's neither miniscule numbers of men, nor miniscule numbers of fields. It's all of them. Even in eg primary teaching, men are over-represented in senior management as opposed to their numbers in the job. Pretending anything else is true is just daft.

And women are also grossly under-represented in every aspect of the media, from movies and TV to journalism. The world reflected back to us is made very largely and mainly by men. Denial of that fact is lying.

Rather like claiming to be against misogyny, then posting nothing but.

@ravenmum I misunderstood you then, and I apologise. I've just started to really notice that women police one another on being fair to men, in a way men don't one another on being fair to women, relatively recently. I think I mentioned that it was what I did fairly consistently myself in the past as well. Apologies if that was poorly expressed as well as wrongly directed.

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