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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex turning up abusing me

82 replies

Mar1984 · 26/01/2019 07:15

So bit of history been with DF nearly 2 years and lived together 1, he has 2 DC 9 and 6 and I have 3 DC 15,7 and 6. We have his children 50/50 so 3 nights one week and 4 the next plus when there mum goes away on holiday or when we take them on holiday.
His ex had 3 holidays abroad last year, didn’t take children to any of them neither did she do any day trips with them or as much as a cinema trip ( has been the same for last 2 years). In Nov she said she had a family party next weekend in scotland and wanted to take them away with her, it was our weekend but we said that’s fine as we wouldn’t them want to miss out, she has reminded of this trip every other week since.
My sons birthday is that weekend and he has asked to take a few friends to the cinema and then for lunch. As my partner didn’t have his children that weekend he has arranged to work and I invited 3 friends for my sons birthday as I have a 7 seat car and with my little 2 that’s all I could fit, with me driving that’s 6 in the car or 7 if the 15 gets his lazy bum out of bed!
DF ex has now changed her mind about Scotland trip so isn’t taking the children as she has booked a 2 week holiday just her MW dher BF in May and can’t afford this too. Step children are now deverstated they are not going away or to my sons party. There place we are going you can only get to by driving and his ex doesn’t drive and has said she wouldn’t be able to get someone to bring them wait and transport them to the lunch venue and then bring them home.
Last night she turned up screaming and abusing me that I am leaving out her children, they are upset they are not coming to this party I should of de invited my sons friends! I feel bad for my age children involved in this and has told them when we have them next they could pick a treat day out but I don’t think IABU to not invite my sons friends. She is the one who has let her children down that weekend and I only arranged this as I thought they were having a trip away otherwise my partner wouldn’t be working and they would be invited.
She was vile last night screaming at my door etc and I have told my DF I will not tolerate that and next time the police will be called but I feel bad for the kids as it wasn’t intentional not to invite them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mar1984 · 26/01/2019 07:18

Just to add the venue is booked and children invited and my son is really excited so I don’t want to de invite his friends

OP posts:
earlybyrd · 26/01/2019 07:21

Can you hire a taxi for the children so they can come too? Try not to let your annoyance at her ridiculous behaviour colour your thinking, the children have been let down by her again, be the better person and don't join her in being a let down to them, be the better parent that you do obviously are.

MidniteScribbler · 26/01/2019 07:21

Can one of the other parents help with driving? Or a friend of yours if you shout her the movie and lunch?

The woman sounds vile, I would call the police next time she shows up,. At the very least, shut the door in her face.

Starlight456 · 26/01/2019 07:22

Obviously she is in the wrong.

You should not have to tolerate that.

Seniorschoolmum · 26/01/2019 07:23

Her behaviour is vile but put that aside for a moment.Can you book a taxi & you all go in convoy?
Or recruit one of the other mums to help?

Lavenderee · 26/01/2019 07:25

I think your partner should let work know he can no longer come in as she has done this, and he should bring his children to the party- either in his car or in a taxi. Poor kids. What a rubbish mum they seem to have. Double disappointment is not fair, they’ll feel utterly unwanted. So I think that’s what needs to happen. Even if your DH has to take unpaid parental leave to do it. It cannot be helped and the children should not have to suffer, poor loves. Their mum sounds emotionally neglectful.

Weenurse · 26/01/2019 07:25

I have helped a friend in a similar situation and was happy to be asked.
See if one of the other parents can help. Explain the situation and change of plans.

Pfingstrose · 26/01/2019 07:27

She sounds unhinged! Completely reasonable of you to make birthday plans on the basis that they were away that weekend!

Agree with others that finding a way around the transport issue is the best bet. Alternatively could you maybe also do a family birthday tea at home in the evening with a cake or whatever so that the step siblings feel involved? Your DH could perhaps join in after work then too? Extra work for you with that plan but might be a good compromise.

MzHz · 26/01/2019 07:28

Of course you can’t uninvite anyone!

Just ignore her ranting and stay calm. She’s trying to make her problem your problem.

Explain that if she makes last minute changes, sometimes they can’t be accommodated, and turning up and shouting the odds at you isn’t going to solve anything.

Is there by any chance a parent of one of your dc friends that would help take a couple of kids so you could get them all there?

WhoWants2Know · 26/01/2019 07:28

Yep. Get a taxi or draft another parent to help with the driving. You really can't leave the stepchildren out of this event.

tootstastic · 26/01/2019 07:33

I agree, taxi or friend needs to drive the stepchildren. Even though it's not you in the wrong, as hard as it is, you need to be the grown up and put it right.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 26/01/2019 07:36

Other parent not an option as 2 of the boys are twins and mums had a c section last week so has a new baby etc so can’t not drive and wouldn’t want to bring new early baby out to cinema. Other child’s mum is a nurse and we agreed she would drop him up early morning as she is working till 4.15- party at 11. Partner works in healthcare so rota is done weeks and weeks in advance, he tried to swap a shift but no luck.
We are having a birthday tea and cake when step children are here and I have made them the same party bags my sons friends are getting.
I offered a taxi with her or my 15 (nearly 6 year old) and she said no they come in my car or nothing and she isn’t coming as she don’t have time, the taxi would of been around £50 with the different journeys. My other sons birthday is in 2 weeks and that has been arranged for the step children to be included but this was wasn’t just because she was taking them away for the first time.

OP posts:
Awrite · 26/01/2019 07:37

Whatever your df's ex has done, it is not the fault of her children. These children are part of your family - it would be very cruel to leave them out. I'm guessing they would never forget it.

Yes, I know - not your fault/why should you find a solution etc. You just should.

Also, given they are step siblings and live with you 50/50, shouldn't this birthday party have been arranged when they were with you? Scotland trip had been known for months remember.

earlybyrd · 26/01/2019 07:39

Can't some of the other children go in the taxi so hers are in your car? I know you are jumping to her tune BUT the time to win a round is when the children involved won't feel hurt or left out, even if they didn't before - her histrionics will make them feel it's more important now. Pick a different battle to assert yourself.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 26/01/2019 07:41

It’s not a party in the sense of a party just a cinema trip and lunch. It’s his actual birthday on that day and the weekend before and after he is at his dads and the weekend following that is my younger sons birthday. Yes they are my step children and to be include but I can’t change my sons birthday or let him down because she might change her mind, she was taking them for a weekend away and knew it was my sons birthday that weekend and we would be doing something.

OP posts:
Shallishanti123 · 26/01/2019 07:42

What does your partner think?

I feel so sorry for the kids. How awful to have been looking forward to a holiday and she’s cancelled it. My BIL/SIL did that once as they decided they’d rather lose the deposit and spend the money on decorating and I felt awful for their kids as they’d been looking forward to their first holiday without the rest of the family coming along (normally MIL / FIL go with them).

PrettyLovely1 · 26/01/2019 07:46

Shes being utterly ridiculous! She made this situation she should be the one sorting it out its her responsibility as their mother not yours.
She sounds like a crap mother.

jackstini · 26/01/2019 07:46

YANBU for being angry at the abuse, she's completely in the wrong

However, if you can rescue the situation by putting some of your son's friends in a taxi (bribing the 15yo to supervise) that would be the best solution

The alternative of them sitting at home whilst all the birthday fun is happening is not an option

Yes it's a pain, but you know it's the right thing to do

maddening · 26/01/2019 07:48

Get an 8 seater taxi to fit you and all 7 dc in., shit having the extra cost and ex is a total dick but this is a good solution and you can have a glass of wine at the cinema 😁

Hodgehegg · 26/01/2019 07:48

You've done everything you can OP. Maybe she can learn a lesson from this about messing people around. It's a shame the children are upset but I'm sure they're more upset at her than you as this is completely her fault! Id be nipping the abusive shouting in the bud too. Your DP should be making it clear to her that's not on. Hope you enjoy your cinema trip.

newyearsameshit · 26/01/2019 07:48

Do you want to find a solution or do you want the step kids not to come as it's their mums fault?

MoreCheeseDear · 26/01/2019 07:48

She sounds dreadful. Her fault totally and I'm sure her DCs know this.

Absolutely do not change the plans you made for your DC's birthday.

And next time phone the police straight away. She's deranged.

anotherwearytraveller · 26/01/2019 07:51

Hang on
I get it’s tough on the kids but the OP can’t magic an entirely different day up just because mum is flaky and dropped her in it

I assume given their dad is working and you are at the party that the step kids are still planning to be with their mum that day?

So you say they are welcome to along but the onus is on her to get them to the cinema. End of.
If they can’t then they get the bday tea and the party with your other DS in two weeks.

Yes it’s harsh on the kids but then siblings don’t always attend bday parties esp not things like cinema. And if they are at mums house it’s not like they are being visibly left behind

OP you sound lovely and posters suggesting you fork out £50 for a taxi are mad. If you move mountains on the back of her coming round and screaming at you it also gives her the blue light to do it again.
She’s a neglectful selfish mum but that isn’t your fault
Also your DP needs to Formally email her and say any further abusive behaviour will result in the police being involved.

anotherdaygoesby · 26/01/2019 07:51

I would not change plans either and let your DP find a solution to this one.

Call the police next time. That should not be tolerated.

SaturdayNext · 26/01/2019 07:52

Tell her you'll be happy to take her children if she pays the extra.