Partners ex turning up abusing me

[Mar1984]

So bit of history been with DF nearly 2 years and lived together 1, he has 2 DC 9 and 6 and I have 3 DC 15,7 and 6. We have his children 50/50 so 3 nights one week and 4 the next plus when there mum goes away on holiday or when we take them on holiday.
His ex had 3 holidays abroad last year, didn’t take children to any of them neither did she do any day trips with them or as much as a cinema trip ( has been the same for last 2 years). In Nov she said she had a family party next weekend in scotland and wanted to take them away with her, it was our weekend but we said that’s fine as we wouldn’t them want to miss out, she has reminded of this trip every other week since.
My sons birthday is that weekend and he has asked to take a few friends to the cinema and then for lunch. As my partner didn’t have his children that weekend he has arranged to work and I invited 3 friends for my sons birthday as I have a 7 seat car and with my little 2 that’s all I could fit, with me driving that’s 6 in the car or 7 if the 15 gets his lazy bum out of bed!
DF ex has now changed her mind about Scotland trip so isn’t taking the children as she has booked a 2 week holiday just her MW dher BF in May and can’t afford this too. Step children are now deverstated they are not going away or to my sons party. There place we are going you can only get to by driving and his ex doesn’t drive and has said she wouldn’t be able to get someone to bring them wait and transport them to the lunch venue and then bring them home.
Last night she turned up screaming and abusing me that I am leaving out her children, they are upset they are not coming to this party I should of de invited my sons friends! I feel bad for my age children involved in this and has told them when we have them next they could pick a treat day out but I don’t think IABU to not invite my sons friends. She is the one who has let her children down that weekend and I only arranged this as I thought they were having a trip away otherwise my partner wouldn’t be working and they would be invited.
She was vile last night screaming at my door etc and I have told my DF I will not tolerate that and next time the police will be called but I feel bad for the kids as it wasn’t intentional not to invite them!

Tell her to bore off, she wants to change things, she can fix it

Absolutely not the kids fault, but hers. She should be coming up with a financial solution to this fuck up as she has totally disappointed her own kids, not you. Of course they will feel bad, but this is not your fault.

1. I’d tell her to fuck off if she come giving Abuse again and probably a few home truths.

It’s all her fault. She should be having the kids that weekend as well anyway! She asked for it, she can’t just cancel it.

There isn’t much you can do really. I would not de invite any of your child’s friends. Keep it how it is and explain it’s there mums fault.

I have no issues paying for the children at all money is toght but isn’t most peoples. I do feel if I suddenly jump through hoops she will feel the abusive behaviour and turning up at my house is a way to get what she likes, and is constantly demanding more. We have them 50/50 plus holidays she goes on and we take them on, pay her maintenance. Only this week we get a text if you don’t get her sons hair cut and pay for it today she will let her BF do it - he is a builder! I offered her to come in the taxi with them and I would pay for it and her but she is busy. Yes she had them now next weekend and we have them extra the following week.
I don’t think she get she caused this by letting them down and prioritising another holiday with her BF without the children which her 9 year old is angry about, on her mind last holiday she refused to accept phones calls from her. But I can’t also let my son down because of her failing.

Who is looking after them if she is busy, your df is at work and you are on the birthday trip?

Sounds to me like she’s not mad about them not being a part of the birthday celebrations and more like she’s mad she has to have them this weekend.

Of course you can't let your son down. Some posters are so fixated on your step children that they are forgetting there is another child in this who is celebrating his birthday and screwing that up is not an option.

You have been perfectly reasonable. You have offered a solution (even though it's technically not your problem) and she has rejected it. I'm afraid I'd now be telling her some home truths.

1. She has let her children down. She cancelled the weekend away to prioritize some bloke.
2. She has decided she is too busy to use the solution offered because she will happily prioritize anything bit her children.
3. She's a fucking shitty excuse for a mother and her children will realise this.

I'd also revisit maintenance. You have the children 50/50 then you shouldn't be paying.

She has them next weekend but is too busy to bring them out with us- no idea doing what as she doesn’t work and only has them 50/50 so I would assume if she wanted to she could make time but it’s easier to blame me to the kids.
She kicked off after DSD 9 said she would rather I was her mum as I don’t let my kids down (she has just message DF)

Yes, She has them this w/e, so as pp says, who is looking after her kids
this sounds like manipulative behaviour on her part.
Send her a message, saying again, they are more than welcome, she can bring them in a taxi. if she refuses it's her fault.
You are not jumping through hoops because she has changed her plans
You can explain to her kids

I’m a step parent. For years and years I tried to ‘be the better person’ and rescued situations exactly like this one. I really wish I hadn’t done it. Very very sad for the kids whose mum had (once again) let them down. You have made plans that weekend and it’s a real shame that your stepchildren won’t be at your sons party BUT they’re not your children and it’s their parents who need to sort this out.
There are things you can do (eg party bags/something for everyone to celebrate in the evening) but doing the legwork to keep your partners kids happy and make up for the disappointment their mum caused is not your problem.

P you sound lovely and posters suggesting you fork out £50 for a taxi are mad. If you move mountains on the back of her coming round and screaming at you it also gives her the blue light to do it again.
She’s a neglectful selfish mum but that isn’t your fault
Also your DP needs to Formally email her and say any further abusive behaviour will result in the police being involved.

This!! The op sounds incredibly kind and lovely. If anything I suspect she may have been too tolerant in the past which had lead to the Mum thinking she can tantrum scream shout and get her way like a bully

I feel sorry for the kids that she is so flakey and emotionally immature and I wonder if they find solace in the buffer that is the kindness of the op. However not everything can be made right of fixed and as life lrogresss they will see their mum is letting them down

Do not give in to this. It will be the start of a slippery slope. It's her fault. She's raving at you because she knows it's her fault, wants rid of her kids that weekend, and has found a perfect get out by putting it all on you.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Doesn't work yet only has kids 50% of the time. Busy doing what exactly?!

Yes the children will be disappointed but they know why this has happened. Just say sorry but nothing you can do and will make it up on next visit.

Do not put your son's friends in a taxi. Just to appease her.

‘Listen up, ExW, I am going to see if I can arrange things so that my DSC can come but hear this; I am doing it for them, because I care about them and hate the thought of them being upset and left out. Ibam not doing it as a result of your behaviour. And if you ever come here / call me / text me being abusive again, I will call the police. I’ll be in touch regarding the children ASAP.’

And shut the door / send the text.

Organise your 15 year old and get them in the cab with the DSC (she doesn’t get to have it all her own way & mixing your kids and hers shows they are not being ‘left out’) and crack on with a lovely day.

You sound like a lovely, kind and thoughtful step parent and you clearly do an awful lot for the children. You could not have possibly done any more in this situation. Please ignore some of the posters who seem to expect you to tie yourself in knots to find a magic solution and forget about your own DC's existence or needs in the process. Your step children's Mum is a lazy, selfish parent and I am angry on your behalf about the way she has behaved to you.

I would not lift one finger in the circumstances. Leave it to your partner.

If the woman was merely selfish and useless, that would be one thing. But she's not - she's an abusive nutter who thinks nothing of pitching up on OP's door and trying to twist the whole affair round so that OP is the one to blame.

I would not pander to someone like her. Give her an inch, and she'll take a fucking marathon.

Call the police next time.

This is ridiculous and everything that's wrong with how some people bring their kids up these days. The way some of you talk it's as if it will be a major catastrophe and traumatic event for the step children not to come to the cinema for OP's DS' birthday. If she could accommodate them, she would, but suggesting she should fork out for a taxi and on top of that, move her son's friends into the taxi, is just downright ridiculous. The children were due to be away, plans have been made that DS is looking forward to and these children will be disappointed but NOT scarred for life id they can't come. Their DF needs to take the day off work and arrange for them to come with him if it's so important they attend. This situation has been created by their DM and disappointment is unfortunately part of life. It's REALLY not the end of the world for them. They will be part of the birthday tea and cake and get a party bag.

It's not the fault of the children BUT she is out of order. And for those saying getting taxi etc, why should OP have to bend over backwards and incur expense, if I wanted to taxi to cinema it would cost nearly £60 (I just checked on Uber)

Blended families are hard and I'm pretty sure if there were no plans with DSC she would have made alternative plans.

And on another note, my kids don't go to each other's parties.... that is just life. The birthday child is allowed a treat of his choosing.

I would not change anything.
She sounds vile.
I agree with reporting her to the police if she ever behaves like that again.

I wouldn't change and I wouldn't try or contact her anymore, she's sounds selfish and unhinged, you sound lovely and like you have tried your absolute best to accommodate her. Anything else after that abuse will make you a mug and let her know all she has to do it abuse you on your own doorstep to get what she likes. Next time tell her to stop acting like a fish wife and you'll talk to her less slam the door in her face.

The kids will get over a cinema trip, don't feel guilty and enjoy your day.

As for the poster who said it shouldn't even have been booked when the step kids weren't there, that's completely unfair on op's own kids and frankly ridiculous

Looking at OP again, which one is the birthday child? On assumption that the weekend has returned to yours, DH will now not be working?

Wait, what?? Does she pay you maintenance for the 50% of the time you have the kids?? I’m guessing NO. There is no way you should be paying maintenance for those children on a 50/50 arrangement. That’s not how it works. If they’re with you 50% of the time then you are paying half the costs to raise them. That’s what maintenance is meant to cover. So, no, she needs to not get that any more. And your DP needs to tell her straight that if she comes over being all abusive to you ever again that you will involve the police. And that she has created this horrible situation, not you. She’s the one who took her kids holiday away. She’s the one who did it all. She is responsible for their disappointment and she can’t just heap it on you because you’re the stepmother. Sounds like you and your partner need to put some very firm boundaries in place- in court if you have to.

Is she going to Scotland anyway without them? Is she likely to turn up at your doorstep next Saturday and just leave you with her kids so that you won’t be able to go to the party as you can’t get everyone in your car?

She has fucked up which means the kids can’t come to the party-it’s her fault, not yours. What does your partner say?

I would also say - do not give in. She has made her kids miss out not you and you have an alternative plan to celebrate. It's not fair on your son.

She isn’t not going to Scotland either as she can’t afford and is having the kids the weekend I can not have them Sunday as I am working and my mum is having my own children for the day as my partner would normally have them but he is working away which he never does on his weekend with his kids, this was booked as shifts on a one off as they were away for the weekend.

I can't believe the amount of people telling you to change your plans. This is the mother's mess to sort out not yours op.