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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex turning up abusing me

82 replies

Mar1984 · 26/01/2019 07:15

So bit of history been with DF nearly 2 years and lived together 1, he has 2 DC 9 and 6 and I have 3 DC 15,7 and 6. We have his children 50/50 so 3 nights one week and 4 the next plus when there mum goes away on holiday or when we take them on holiday.
His ex had 3 holidays abroad last year, didn’t take children to any of them neither did she do any day trips with them or as much as a cinema trip ( has been the same for last 2 years). In Nov she said she had a family party next weekend in scotland and wanted to take them away with her, it was our weekend but we said that’s fine as we wouldn’t them want to miss out, she has reminded of this trip every other week since.
My sons birthday is that weekend and he has asked to take a few friends to the cinema and then for lunch. As my partner didn’t have his children that weekend he has arranged to work and I invited 3 friends for my sons birthday as I have a 7 seat car and with my little 2 that’s all I could fit, with me driving that’s 6 in the car or 7 if the 15 gets his lazy bum out of bed!
DF ex has now changed her mind about Scotland trip so isn’t taking the children as she has booked a 2 week holiday just her MW dher BF in May and can’t afford this too. Step children are now deverstated they are not going away or to my sons party. There place we are going you can only get to by driving and his ex doesn’t drive and has said she wouldn’t be able to get someone to bring them wait and transport them to the lunch venue and then bring them home.
Last night she turned up screaming and abusing me that I am leaving out her children, they are upset they are not coming to this party I should of de invited my sons friends! I feel bad for my age children involved in this and has told them when we have them next they could pick a treat day out but I don’t think IABU to not invite my sons friends. She is the one who has let her children down that weekend and I only arranged this as I thought they were having a trip away otherwise my partner wouldn’t be working and they would be invited.
She was vile last night screaming at my door etc and I have told my DF I will not tolerate that and next time the police will be called but I feel bad for the kids as it wasn’t intentional not to invite them!

OP posts:
MRex · 26/01/2019 09:17

Your 15 and 6 year old could get a taxi together, then the step children will for in your car. For the sake of the kids I'd do that. Their mum is drawing up battle lines, those recommending that you do the same are really not thinking about what's best for the children. They'll all be grown up one day, let them remember being included in your family if you want them back for Christmas and holidays then.

VanGoghsDog · 26/01/2019 09:18

The father needs to sort this. It is he who has the shared care, not you. If he is not available on a day she originally was due to have them, then she still has to have them.

He can tell his employer he needs emergency carer's leave due to an unexpected child care issue. Or he can tell his ex to fuck off and stick to the plan she asked for and around which other plans have been made.

I put up with an ex and a DP like this for years, me running around solving their problems for the sake of DSS, it wasn't worth it, it only made me stressed and resentful and them behave worse!

MoreCheeseDear · 26/01/2019 09:25

Ignore people telling you to change your plans. It's ok to put your son first. He deserves it.

Jokie · 26/01/2019 09:27

I'd also not "give in". Id give a clear message: if you can get them to the cinema, they are more than welcome, otherwise, we'll do our planned party with them as previously scheduled.

I think you've been more than generous and flexible about this.

QueenofallIsee · 26/01/2019 09:35

I have 3 step kids and I echo the posters who say don’t give in. It is NOT cruel of you, it is a consequence of their mums actions and in standing up for yourself, you have an outside chance that you can protect them from this happening again. If she sees you will not bend she may think twice

R3b3kah · 26/01/2019 09:38

I can’t believe the amount of posters on here suggesting shoving the friends in the taxi, so the ex gets her own way and her children can attend after SHE let them down... no no no way.
I would tell her to bugger off and find a way to get her children there, with it being her fault because it’s out of your control.

I think people are forgetting, kids don’t always want their siblings or step siblings at their birthday party. What does your little one want? It’s his day after all

ExFury · 26/01/2019 09:42

If she’s as bad as you say and you have them more than 50% of the time why has your other half not made moves to have the children living with you to give them the stability?

And he should be sorting this out.

CherryPavlova · 26/01/2019 09:45

I wouldn’t want the children to miss out because of a badly behaved parent. Tell her you have charge when they are with you and under your care therefore they will be travelling in a taxi with your fifteen year old.
Don’t use the children as pawns. It’s not for a young child to determine whether their siblings join their birthday meal. You’re a family so siblings go.

Holidayshopping · 26/01/2019 09:52

You’ve only been living with him a year. How was he looking after his kids 50% of the time before you were on the scene?

If the children are now suddenly around next weekend and have to be looked after-how does that work with his night shifts that are booked months in advance? If you weren’t there, what would the parents do?

Why is it down to you (who is not actually even the children’s step mother if we think about marriage) to find solutions, not their dad?

heidiwine · 26/01/2019 09:53

The OP isn’t using the children as pawns. Their mum is. I agree with others who stay stand firm because it might stop this kind of thing happenekng again. I say that as someone who didn’t stand firm and spent years picking up the pieces for two children who aren’t mine when all they really wanted was for their PARENTS to parent them.

diddl · 26/01/2019 10:03

I agree that it's up to the parents to sort out.

eggsandwich · 26/01/2019 10:07

Firstly they are her children, she arranged to take them to Scotland for a wedding and then at short notice changed her mind so she could afford another holiday.

What sort of loving mother would let their children down like that, she is at fault not you, so as you already have pre-planned arrangements she will have to do something with her children like spending quality time doing something they will like while keeping in the back ofher mind that it can’t be too expensive as she needs to pay for another holiday! Maybe suggest she takes her children on the holiday in May to make up for the disappointment for not going to Scotland.

MypetPorghasdied · 26/01/2019 10:08

My first thought was how mature is your 15 year old? Have you thought about having your eldest look after your DSC's while you take all the other kids out as arranged? Your DSC's know that this situation isn't of your making and can clearly see that. In your shoes I would ask 15 year old to do a bit of babysitting for extra pocket money to take care of dsc's while you take the birthday boy out as arranged and then have a birthday tea with take away & cake at home. Your dsc's will understand that they're not being excluded deliberately as they can see that their mother is being v unreasonable. You are not the crap parent here - she is but you are the one left feeling guilty and that is a credit to you and your love for all your children. Ex then has a choice - she either leaves kids with you or she has them. You are not responsible for her decisions but it would be wise to keep a diary of contact and perhaps see a family solicitor?
Seeing as this was a trip for a family event to Scotland, I wonder what ex told them to explain why she cancelled the trip?

ChakiraChakra · 26/01/2019 10:09

You need your partner to sort out childcare/weekends/etc with her, and you really need him to come down hard on her turning up and causing a scene on your doorstep.

Is she going to Scotland anyway without them? Is she likely to turn up at your doorstep next Saturday and just leave you with her kids so that you won’t be able to go to the party as you can’t get everyone in your car?

Oh! is this a childcare issue now (for the ex? Is that why she's angry and upset, all of her own making because now that she's not taking them AND she's swapped the weekend, she's currently got three children floating around at her house without childcare that weekend?

CherryPavlova · 26/01/2019 10:11

You’ll note I didn’t apportion blame about using children as pawns. It is the children that suffer if parents ‘take a firm stance’. The children are pawns irrelevant of who is culpable (and chess is a game for two). The poster has the ability not to allow the game to continue by simply being assertive about what is happening and ensuring the children are not made to feel like spare parts that nobody wants.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/01/2019 10:13

Maybe she can learn a lesson from this about messing people around.

She won't - because her unhinged, narcissistic, egotistical mind, she hasn't messed anyone around. Everyone else is messing her around, the bastards!

I think a previous suggestion of an umpteen seater taxi (or even renting a small mini-bus) would be best if finances (and short notice) permit it.

What an absolute sh*t she is - doing that to children and then taking no responsibility for it!

I feel very sorry fo those poor little souls - they must feel so unloved by her.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/01/2019 10:16

1. She has let her children down. She cancelled the weekend away to prioritize some bloke.
2. She has decided she is too busy to use the solution offered because she will happily prioritize anything bit her children
3. She's a fucking shitty excuse for a mother and her children will realise this.

Couldn't have put it better myself Glen

MypetPorghasdied · 26/01/2019 10:20

If you really don't want to be confrontational then have you thought about hiring a mini van for the day? Last year we rented one for a family party. It had 9 seats, was easy to drive and cost about £60 for the day.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2019 10:25

Why are you paying her maintenance when you have 50/50 shared care? You shouldn't be paying anything at all!

Her mess, her making. Let your partner and her sort it out. I agree that if you give into this, it will escalate. I don't see why this should cost YOU extra when you have simply made plans around hers! What a fucking cheek! I understand not wanting to "let the children down" but you're not letting them down, she's created this! "This doesn't work for us" is all you need to say.

MRex · 26/01/2019 10:48

Another option (if they get on well enough) would be for the 15 and 9 year old to do something together at home, have a movie afternoon with snacks while you take the younger DSC to the party. Then everybody fits in the car and the 9 year old might like being treated as an older kid for once. 15 is more than old enough to be responsible.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 26/01/2019 11:08

I don’t think my 15 year old would stay home with my 9 year old step daughter to be honest and she wouldn’t have that (9year old).

OP posts:
Original poster
Mar1984 · 26/01/2019 11:09

We pay maintenance as otherwise she withholds the kids and for the amount we pay weekly it’s worth it to just have stability for them. We provide all clothes at ours pay half for hair cuts, coats, shoes, school trips

OP posts:
whittingtonmum · 26/01/2019 11:20

I agree that their dad is the one who needs to step up here and sort out the day for his children. It is his responsibility how this gets resolved if their mother has abdicated hers - infuriating as this may be. He's their dad.

freshfoodpeople · 26/01/2019 12:02

I wouldn't change a single thing. It's up to the "mother" (and i use that term loosely) and father to sort it out.

If I was your DC and you changed my party details around to accommodate a mad woman, you'd have an entirely different set of problems on your hands.

His ex had 3 holidays abroad last year, didn’t take children to any of them neither did she do any day trips with them or as much as a cinema trip ( has been the same for last 2 years)
This woman is clearly a disgusting, selfish, narcissistic, toxic, vile, utter failure as a parent. Who takes continual holidays and refuses to take the children on so much as a day out? Then uses emotional blackmail to stop the kids seeing their father if she's not paid maintenance that she's not even entitled to??

The maintenance has to stop. In fact, I would go so far as to seek full custody of the children as they're obviously not in a good environment when living with the ex. She's more interested in her sex life than her kids. What a disgrace. And yes, definitely call the police next she goes on a tirade.

combatbarbie · 26/01/2019 12:10

We pay maintenance as otherwise she withholds the kids and for the amount we pay weekly it’s worth it to just have stability for them. We provide all clothes at ours pay half for hair cuts, coats, shoes, school trips

Wait what???? You have 50/50 So none required! Fuck that, get back to court and get everything in writing! Poor kids are being used as a weapon by their mother!