To be so angry with my mum?

[pennygirl26]

I've ended up so upset tonight I've had to leave work. Am I being unreasonable.

My father passed away on valentines day last year. So we are just coming up to the anniversary. Its been a very tough time he had a long illness and me and my mum cared for him. Obviously it's still a very raw time and I'm not over anything yet.

Anyway my mums been saying all along that she isn't ready to move on from my dad and couldnt even think about meeting anyone else. Anyway last Monday she drops the bombshell she's met someone and had been seeing him for a few weeks. After the initial shock I understand she's lonely and will want to move on at some point however yes I'm upsets at her timing and the lies of where she's been and who with. I told her that it's up to her if she's want move on but I'm not ready so I don't want to meet him and I do not want my children around him. She agrees and I think that's fine. So the 1st week she stuck with this plan since then she's been trying to set up situations for me to meet him. I've struggled and tried to muddle through telling her I'm not ready.

My mum watches my daughter sometimes for me while I'm working however if she has plans or anything I can arrrage an alternative. The past 2 weeks she's cancelled to see this man. Fine I'm OK with that however today I was at hospital for a biopsy and then working mum said she would keep my daughter and I could pick her up tonight. As the night goes on i find out she's actually got her new boyfriend there while my daughter was there. I went and took my daughter from my mum and she's acting as if everything was OK even though I was crying she didn't even notice.

AIBU that I don't want my daughter around this man and my mum went behind my back and had him there without telling me and going against my wishes. It's not even been a year. I'm absalouty devastated. I've decided now she's not able to have my daughter unsupervised as I can't trust her.

Sorry for my long rambling my heads all over the place.

Your mum should absolutely respect your wishes when it comes to you being ready & your child.

You say your dad had a long illness? My mum had the same with my stepfather and she was essentially a carer for two years before he passed. He was very ill and for those two years she was lonely and struggling but she took care of him. Almost a year after his death she met someone and went on a few dates. To us it seemed like less than a year but to her it had felt like she’d been alone for longer IYSWIM?

My dad was sick for around 5 years the last 2 years we had to care as he couldn't walk talk and eat so the relationship in that sense died then so she feels shes been grieving for him alot longer than a year I completely understand that. So I'm assuming your mum was the same. It doesn't make it any easier as my dad's daughter if that makes sense. My heads saying yes be happy and move on but my hearts completely broken. I'm actually most upset she's forced this meeting with my daughter. I asked one thing. Do not include us yet. And less than 2 weeks later she's had him there with her. I don't know how to move on from this. I've been in tears all night.

I think the lying makes it worse OP. And she should respect your grief is in a different place. My Dad died from a brain tumour in just over 4months when I was 19. My Mum was dating 18months later. For the first year she lied that she was out with a female friend. It was such a shock when I found out. And I was supposed to instantly accept him moving in.

I’m sorry for your loss but I do see your mums point to. She isn’t doing anything wrong in terms of seeing someone else which I know is hard for you.
I trust my mum with my DD so I trust her to choose people for her to be around also. If she has her for me then I don’t really every question where they are going or doing or who they are with.
I would be so happy if my mum was at least a tiny bit happy after what seems to be a really hard 6 years.

You give yourself time, as much time as you need. Arrange alternate childcare for your daughter and when your mum asks why, be very calm and very clear that she ignored your wishes about your daughter so you have made different arrangements. No heat, no recriminations, you are just doing what you feel is best for your DD at this time.

It's a bit of both.

She shouldn't have had your child around him after you said not to, but she's allowed to have her own life again. Her lying is problematic, but I imagine she's done that because she realises it's going to be painful for you, obviously not realising it's making it worse.

A lot of this is obviously because you don't like the fact that she's moved on. Be honest with yourself about that.

YANBU she should have respected your wishes. I would arrange alternative care for your daughter and make it clear you are hurt by this.
sorry for your loss

Her lying is problematic, but I imagine she's done that because she realises it's going to be painful for you, obviously not realising it's making it worse.

I don't buy this! How can any adult, in the absence of serious cognitive dysfunction, not realise that lying is going to make things worse? Not only has she gone against the expressed wishes of her daughter, but she has also sent a clear message that she cannot be trusted to be honest. Anyone who will lie about anything to do with my children, isn't someone I could trust with their safety.

I'm so sorry for your loss, when I lost my dad the first year felt like no time and the first anniversary as raw as the funeral, so I sympathise. It is different for your mum in the sense that she lived with him. My step mum coped incredibly well because for hee she faced every morning and night coming to terms with dad not being there on waking or going tonbed, whereas it hit the rest of us more fleetingly. Not to say she moved on quicker, but possibly came to terms with it. That said, I would have found it difficult if she'd moved on romantically so soon. I think if you need to have space and not leave your dd with her then that is understandable. Explain it's still too raw, and as much as you love her and care about her happiness you're not ready to be part of this new relationship. And be kind yourself- you're grieving, having a biopsy so obviously your own health concerns? Take care

If your Mum spends the rest of her life by herself it will not bring your Dad back. Do you think your Dad would want her to be lonely? She was always there for him. Finding someone to spend time with doesn’t lessen what she felt for Dad. I can see that it’s upset you but I think you are totally BU for not keeping it to yourself. I don’t aee what harm meeting Granny’s friend can possibly do to your daughter.

@andro she may not have said anything until she felt the relationship was going to last, mentioning that she was dating someone and then it not working out would have hurt her daughter for no reason.

I think you are being unfair about your Mum dating, it doesn't mean she didn't love your Dad but her relationship with him would have changed tremendously over the last few years of her life. YANBU to not want to have your daughter there so early in their relationship, particularly when you are not there.

*of his life, sorry.

I know you're upset but I think you're being unreasonable about your daughter. What is it about meeting a friend of your mother's that you think is in any way bad for your daughter? What rational reason have you got for making it difficult for your mum like that? I understand you are having difficulty with controlling your own emotions so it makes sense for you to stay away until you can be nice to him, but to stop your daughter from meeting him is just using her to punish your mother for having moved on. It's not fair on your mother and it's a bad example for your daughter.

StoppinBy - you may be right (and probably are), but I have a huge problem with lies. I'm uncomfortable enough with the lies that masquerade as social niceties, straight out lie to me about something you know matters to me? That's my trust broken and if I don't trust you, I won't entrust my children to your care.

It's not fair on your mother and it's a bad example for your daughter.

And OP's mother is sending the right message to her granddaughter by demonstrating that is perfectly fine for her mother's wishes to be completely disregarded? I don't agree BoomBoomsCousin

Hmm, I just think you could maybe be a bit kinder to your mum OP. Sounds like you've all had a shit few years and deserve a bit of happiness.

Your little girl is not going to be mentally scarred by meeting your mum's boyfriend. And, sorry to say it, but a year is a long time to a child. If she's young she may hardly remember your dad now.

Basically you can kick off about this and everyone is miserable, or you can be tolerant and accepting and everyone can start to move forward with their lives. Your choice OP.

Sorry, OP, I cannot talk from a place of shared experience, just as a complete outsider.

What I see is that your poor mother has had a horrible few years and now that things are starting to look up for her, she has to deal with your disapproval and begrudging.

Why do people set such impossibly high standards for mothers?

@CanIcryandlaugh20
Those of you saying it's fine that she had OP's DD around this man, that OP should trust her DM etc - Her DM has only been with this man for a few weeks.... If a single Mum came on here and said she'd introduced her child to her new boyfriend after only a few weeks, she'd get torn apart 

@FabulouslyFab @BoomBoomsCousin

• Her DM has only been with this man for a few weeks.... If a single Mum came on here and said she'd introduced her child to her new boyfriend after only a few weeks, she'd get torn apart

If your Mum spends the rest of her life by herself it will not bring your Dad back. Do you think your Dad would want her to be lonely? She was always there for him. Finding someone to spend time with doesn’t lessen what she felt for Dad.

I absolutely agree with this. You are allowed to miss your dad terribly and still be feeling raw, you are entitled to your feelings and to grieve in your own way and time. What you are not entitled to do is dictate to others how that should feel, or for how long and in what way they must grieve. It's not up to you to decide when and how your mum moves on.

As you say. he had a long illness and I know from my mother's experience that caring for someone in that way for a long period very much changes the relationship. She may have spent much of that time lonely in some ways, but also grieving for the relationship they had and the man she was steadily losing. By the time he died she may well have gone through much of that grieving process. So for her lot longer than a year, in some ways.

You say you're happy for her to try to find happiness in a new relationship, but it's very obvious that's not really true. That is understandable, though still unreasonable, but you need to recognise it and admit it. FWIW I'm fairly sure your Mum knows it too- and probably feared you'd react badly so hid it from you until she was sure it was a more serious relationship. I think it is distinctly possible she didn't want to cause all this hurt and anger over a date which didn't go anywhere or a few dates which fizzled out. She was unreasonable to lie- but it is understandable- in the same way you finding it so upsetting she is moving on whilst simultaneously saying it is "fine" with you is unreasonable but understandable.

All that said, your mum shouldn't have gone against your expressed wishes with regards your daughter meeting this man. It was a breech of trust as she did something she agreed not to do. Hopefully, she introduced him as a friend rather than her new boyfriend and behaved accordingly. In which case i doubt your daughter will know what is really going on.

i think you need to sit down with your mum and talk to each other so you both understand where the other is coming from, rather than punishing her or making drastic changes with regards her relationship with your daughter.

Andro I don't think the OP's mother is acting brilliantly at all and if she were on her asking if she were being unreasonable I would say yes, she's a bit unreasonable and she should really have cancelled the babysitting again.

But the OP's desire for her daughter to have no contact is much more unreasonable and her anger at her mother is unfair. Annoyed to be lied to for a while (about something that is, in most ways, none of her business), fine, it would be better to realise her mum was having a hard time telling her, but it's not nice to realise you weren't trusted (even when that trust would have been poorly placed). A bit pissed off that her mother did something with her daughter that is perfectly safe and reasonable but that the OP, unreasonably, didn't want her doing because the OP is trying to control her mother - Well, that would be natural because no one likes to be thwarted. And because it is obviously going to be upsetting to be reminded of her father.

But to be "so angry" at her mother that she has had to leave work - that's a huge overreaction and it's driven by her very unreasonable attempt to judge and control her mother's romantic life - which there really isn't any excuse for.

I once read that having another romantic partner after the death of the first partner is actually a compliment, in a way, to the deceased person.
After all, if the first partner(ship) had been horrendous, why would you want to replicate it? - you just wouldn't.Better to be on your own.
If your first partnership has been loving and fulfilling, of course you would want that again.
Cut your DM some slack OP.

straight out lie to me about something you know matters to me? That's my trust broken and if I don't trust you, I won't entrust my children to your care.

That's very dramatic, too black and white IMHO..... but do you accept that perhaps your mum was trying to navigate a tricky situation (i.e. she was trying to balance her need to move on with her life whilst not upsetting you) but made the wrong call? If so, I don't think using that line of thought to punish your mum for her transgressions is at all fair.

i think you should speak to her about how angry you are about the introduction of her new boyfriend to your daughter, when you had specifically asked her not to (and she had agreed not to)- this would be constructive, not punitive and may help you move forward rather than create a whole new layer of hurt and upset.

I’m sorry. Your mum will be all wrapped up in her world of romance and a new companion. You are right to not want to rush into anything. She certainly should not allow a stranger to be around your daughter. At this time, with health concerns, you need some support yourself. I hope your mother comes to her senses.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I'm 100% I want my mum to be happy and do what she needs to be able to get there. However withing the space of a few days she's telling me she's not ready for anything and has no desire whatsoever to be with anyone or even looking to telling me she's with someone and has been for a few weeks so completely lying to me I'm finding extremely difficult I can't seem to get past lies. I'm obviously devastated about my father but understand my mums mid 50s so still young and it's a long life.

My mums also campaigning massively about dad's illness and treatment over his illness to improve things in the future and she's been contacted by a local paper to do a story. I feel it's wrong aswell. Not sure why. My mum relies on me massively for all support when dad was ill and funeral arrangements I done it all. I cleared my father's possessions and helped her move house so completely understand her need to move on and deal with what we went through it was a horrible time as dad's treatment was very poor. She also lost a father very young and took it very badly when my gran moved on. So feel she should understand my feelings and not force this on me.

With regards to my daughter surly I have the right to say I don't want people in her life. Its my mothers choice to have my daughter when she does I don't need her to look after her for me so can't understand the complete refusal to respect my wishes that I'm not ready for this man to be involved with myself or any of my children.

At the moment all we know about this man is he's being going through a divorce for 4 years and his name. He's not from our area he's around a 40 min drive away so really know nothing about him so I'm not keen on my kids meeting people who I've never known anything about without my input there.

I suppose I just needed to get things off my chest and see if I'm being unreasonable to not allow my daughter to be around my mum without either me or my husband there until we are ready. 2 weeks is a very short space of time to be basically told I have to accept it without giving me time to process in my head.

Your mum shouldn't have lied but I know she this to spare your feelings. That aside, do you really think it's reasonable to try and control her personal life? Is she supposed to languish forever to appease your grief over the lose of your dad? I say this as gently as possible, but you are being very selfish and unreasonable.