To be so angry with my mum?

[pennygirl26]

I've ended up so upset tonight I've had to leave work. Am I being unreasonable.

My father passed away on valentines day last year. So we are just coming up to the anniversary. Its been a very tough time he had a long illness and me and my mum cared for him. Obviously it's still a very raw time and I'm not over anything yet.

Anyway my mums been saying all along that she isn't ready to move on from my dad and couldnt even think about meeting anyone else. Anyway last Monday she drops the bombshell she's met someone and had been seeing him for a few weeks. After the initial shock I understand she's lonely and will want to move on at some point however yes I'm upsets at her timing and the lies of where she's been and who with. I told her that it's up to her if she's want move on but I'm not ready so I don't want to meet him and I do not want my children around him. She agrees and I think that's fine. So the 1st week she stuck with this plan since then she's been trying to set up situations for me to meet him. I've struggled and tried to muddle through telling her I'm not ready.

My mum watches my daughter sometimes for me while I'm working however if she has plans or anything I can arrrage an alternative. The past 2 weeks she's cancelled to see this man. Fine I'm OK with that however today I was at hospital for a biopsy and then working mum said she would keep my daughter and I could pick her up tonight. As the night goes on i find out she's actually got her new boyfriend there while my daughter was there. I went and took my daughter from my mum and she's acting as if everything was OK even though I was crying she didn't even notice.

AIBU that I don't want my daughter around this man and my mum went behind my back and had him there without telling me and going against my wishes. It's not even been a year. I'm absalouty devastated. I've decided now she's not able to have my daughter unsupervised as I can't trust her.

Sorry for my long rambling my heads all over the place.

I think you need to step back and talk to your mum about the loss of your dad. It seems like you resent someone taking his place after he died. If you’ve never had reason to mistrust her before then she won’t let any harm come to your children. Maybe she was hoping if the kids liked him you would accept him? I lost my mum many years ago and always knew my dad would never move on, I still hope one day he will meet someone else though and be happy, just for him, not because of children and grandkids

I'm not wishing to control my mums romantic life as everyone keeps saying. She can see this guy whenever she likes it's just doesn't have to include me or my children. It's her choice to have my daughter. I have a large extended family of over 15 aunt and 15 uncles and around 40 cousin of which most will happily have my kids if needs be as we all do for each other. If my mum calls and asks to have my daughter I have never said no. After my father passed away she had my daughter several evenings a week and I picked her up an hour or so before bed. If my mum wants to go out or have people over its none of my business. But to lie to my face and make ridiculous statements about being no where near ready to even look but has already been dating this man is ludicrous. To me it came as a complete shock as she was so adamant it was the last thing on my mind. And yes I did leave. Work tonight I work in a kitchen and being distracted by things makes it a dangerous environment. I was angry and upset at the complete disregard for my wishes

With regards to your update, yes, that is very clearly lying and yes I would be really upset with that, there is a difference between not telling you and out right lying to you, lying to you is not ok at all, not telling you I totally understand.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time. She's not saying her mother shouldn't be in another relationship and she's clear that she wants her to be happy.

That the OP is finding it a struggle is ok. It's also ok for her to decide whether/when she and her family meet this man.

Her mother is acting poorly and should be giving the OP the chance to get her head around this and take it at a pace she's comfortable with.

@pennygirl26 It is so sad when we lose a parent and I understand you are still probably a bit shocked at the death of your father.
I realise that you may be working which is why your DD goes to DM. During DM caring duties to Late DF she would have had his company all day and night, even if his capabilities were poor. It is extremely lonely when your life partner dies. Your DM has your DD at times but she will also want adult company. For conversation and company and talking over events when they were young.
I have been pretty much in your DM situation. I was terribly alone. I had DGC 4 days a week. DGC is lovely but only young No conversations about the Beatles and Stones etc Equally I am useless with the games consoles. What I found was that when my Adult child was dropping off or picking up DGC they were in and out and away in under 5 minutes and therefore no company at all to me.
AC had met a new partner 2 or 3 years ago who I was expected to accept without question. When I met someone over 6 years after bereavement it was not well taken by AC. It was not even as if my late DH was her DF. She still has her bio DF.

I think it was the fact that I wanted to spend time with the New Man but I would not have NM and DGC in my house at the same time until proper introductions. AC and NM both work shifts so actually trying to get any adult company our of either AC or NM was almost a miracle.
Could it be that you are concerned that if DM gets close to her NM she might not have time to babysit for you.
If you dont want DM to have a NM, have you considered spending all day and night with your DM so that she has full time company.
It is hard to balance things in situations such as yours and mine as hard as we might try. My AC rarely spent more than 5 minutes with me which added to my loneliness.

Sorry I don't know how to put things in bold

Stoppingby- yes it's the clear lies I'm struggling with more than the relationship. Fine date see someone whatever just don't lie. Give me time if that make sense.

Ethal- thank you

Stillme- I spend alot of time with my mum. Few nights a week or even if I'm picking up my daughter sometimes I'm there for a few hours. If I'm home alone I tend to pop to my mums house. No point in us both being alone. As said I'm not bothered about babysitting I have a large family and I don't require my mum to be there for her. It's mum's choice. I don't want her to be lonely I just want her to accept me taking my time meeting this man and my kids meeting him also. We are at complete different stages in the grieving process she needs t respect where I am and me also her. Does that make sense.

Sorry I feel like I'm totally rambling. I'm trying to get all my thoughts clear in my head before I speak to her.

@pennygirl26 I don't know your DM so only giving my own views and opinions here.
I get it that you are not ready to meet this man and I agree with you if I was in your shoes. This is why I didn't allow DGC to meet my NM before my AC and DGC together were introduced. Let your mum know that you understand her loneliness and that she has done nothing wrong other than arranging a meeting of DGD and NM without your consent and agreement.
You have done well to spend as much time as you do with DM.

You and DM should try to agree that DGD and you are just not ready yet which is fine.
Do you have any worries about this NM? Would you normally trust your DM judgement when with DGD?
I hope you and DM can find a way through this without it turning out badly.

Meet him, for her sake and yours, why are you punishing her for grief?

@Justagirlwholovesaboy

Meet him, for her sake and yours, why are you punishing her for grief?

This. 👏🏻^
^
The lying isn't on, but this is about grief.

Not wanting to meet him is trying to control her romantic life. You are in a completely different place in your grieving but she isn't trying to introduce you to a new father. He has nothing to do with the man you loved, he's your mother's new romantic partner but not your new dad. Meeting him shouldn't be anything to do with your grieving process.

OP I underuexactoy how you feel, my father did this after my mother died. He only waited a few weeks to start dating though, it was a woman who he’d known for a little while. The shock hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt physically ill. He played it down, talked about it simply being companionship . I remember telling him I didn’t want a new family and he laughed and said I was being daft.

Well, it turned it I wasn’t being daft, he started lying about where he was, tuned out he was seeing her every day. After 4 months he asked me to help him get rid of my mothers things and it was clear he was moving her in.

I argued with him over that, it was the most difficult thing to do to clear my mothers things away but he couldn’t see it. In a nutshell when his GF told me to ‘butt out’ of their plans he at back and allowed her to speak to me like I was dirt - I said I wanted nothing to do with her. He then told me that if I didn’t accept her then he’d cut me off. And he did.

So, unless you are prepared for the loss of losing the relationship with your mother be careful. My pride will not let me crawl to them, as far as I’m concerned he’s shown his true colours. If pushed your mother may chose the new man.

And even though my father waited only a few weeks after my mother died it wasn’t all that that sickened me, it was the lying and sneaking around, I caught him out a few times about where he’d been, I lived 30 miles away so I’d usually call before I visited. Once I twice I called in and he wasn’t at home so I’d ring and ask where he was. He’d say he was at home when he wasn’t etc.
Somehow that made the whole thing more sordid than it was.

A very difficult situation OP and I really think you need to find a way to stop punishing your mother for having moved on. By telling her that you or your daughter don’t want to meet her new partner is basically shaming her for having moved on and that’s really not fair. I get she lied to you but she did it because she was scared of hurting you and upsetting you and I’m sure you can understand this.

As another poster has said, this new man is nothing to do with your dad, he isn’t trying to replace your dad and so you need to separate that trayin of thought from the reality, which is just that your mom has found someone she enjoys spending time with.

Five years ago my MIL died after a years battle with cancer and my husband was obviously distraught.

Five months later my FIL told us that he’d met someone new and my husband reacted just like you are.

My husband has a brother, who at the time of their mum’s death had three young children and he decided that despite his grief for his mother he accepted his dad’s new partner and welcomed her and included her in family events with the children etc.

My husband on the other hand refused to meet the woman and said he did not want our son meeting her too.

K explein d that his dad was just lonely and my husband’s actions were punishing his dad for having moved on and how incredibly unfair it was. He was blinded by his grief though and continued to refuse to have anything to do with her.

It had a very negative effect because as a result me, DH and DS hardly saw his dad because my husband wouldn’t go round if she was there. Our son missed out on spending time with his grandad because my husband wasn’t prepared to leave our son with his dad in case he had his partner round. My FIL, his partner, my husband’s brother and their children used to go on nice day trips all the time which of course my husband refused to go on because she was there. I could write a list as long as my arm about all the things me, DH and DS missed out on because of my husband’s refusal to accept that his dad had moved on. My husband ostracised is from the family.

My husband was still grieving for his mom and I understood that but he put his father in a very unfair position and it made me very uncomfortable that my DH thought he had the right to be controlling/dictating towards his father’s new relationship.

Ultimately my FIL broke up with the woman because he was effectively being forced to choose between her, and his son and grandchild. He couldn’t bear to see my husband so angry and hurt and so he broke off the relationship.

We are 5 years down the line now and my FIL has never dated again and I know it’s because he’s scared how my husband will react again. My FIL is very lonely and I find it heartbreaking.

I’m hindeight, now his grief has passed, my husband can see and accept how incredibly unfair he was being towards his dad

Please, please tread carefully OP. Your mum deserves to be happy, please don’t punish her for that. I’m sorry for the loss of your dad but a year has passed and your mom
Is lonely which I’m sure you don’t want.

I think you need to work out exactly why you don’t want to meet him. For some reason you must think there’s something intrinsically wrong about your mom’s new relationship otherwise you wouldn’t be refusing to meet him or refusing your mom access to her granddaughter. I think you need to realise what message you are sending to your mother too which is that you think she’s doing something wrong.

Entering a new relationship must be incredibly hard after the death of a spouse and I’m sure she’s struggling with her own internal conflicting thoughts, so what she needs is the support and understanding of others to show her that’s it okay to move on, not condemnation.

Do you intend to ever meet him?

For goodness sake OP be a bit kinder to your poor mum. No wonder she was economical with the truth - she knew you would over react. And now you’re punishing her by withholding her granddauughter? How unkind of you.

I think yabu. I am sorry for your loss and pain OP but you are trying to control your mother by insisting her relationship be conducted to suit your needs rather than her life. I think she lied because she knew you’d make an issue out of it and she couldn’t be dealing with the fall out.

I understand this is hard for you but ultimately you’ll have to accept that your mum still wants company and love in her life after losing her husband.

Sorry to be blunt. Xx

So how did the conversation come about where she lied?

I agree that withholding your daughter in this way is unkind of you. It’s also pointless...your daughter will not be affected negatively by meeting this man...you’re using her as a tool to keep your poor mum in line. Don’t be that person. It’s not on.

I don’t think you are wrong to prefer this man not to be around when dd is being babysat by your mum. You don’t know this man at all.

Is it someone she has known for a while?. If so, all she wants is some companionship, and I would feel more easy.

I can see why you are hurt those, especiallybas it’s coming up to the first anniversary.

Your Mum really shouldn't have lied, but surely the way you've responded shows why she felt she had to? I'm so sorry that your Dad has died and the grief is still so raw, but in seeing someone new your Mum's doing nothing wrong and presumably your Dad would want her to be happy? And presumably he'd also want you to go on supporting each other?

“I don’t think you are wrong to prefer this man not to be around when dd is being babysat by your mum. You don’t know this man at all.”

Is the OP to personally vet every person her mum might spend time with before sher’ll agree to her dd being in their company? Of course not. That would be crazy!
Why is this man different?

OP I'm very sorry for your loss but in the kindest way, YABVU.

Your mum deserves to be happy, let her enjoy her new relationship.

Your mum needs company right now. She's lonely. Spending a couple of hours with her a couple of times a week doesn't stop your mum feeling lonely. People do whatever they need to do to get through their grief. Even if this new relationship your mum is having goes nowhere it is helping her now. Why make it difficult? She isn't trying to replace your dad, she's simply moving on.

Just go and meet him. You're building this all up into something it isn't.

If you lost your DH how would you feel if family members disapproved of you meeting someone who was helping you to move on?

I know how hard it is to lose a parent but please don't push your mum away now. You both need each other.

Are you talking to someone about your grieve? After 11 months most people are starting to move on but you say you aren't over anything yet. If this is true and given your reaction to being told she's met someone, ie refusing to meet him, I can see why your mum didn't tell you. She should have respected your wishes though with regards to your daughter.
Remember life is for the living. Your mum is moving on with her life and rightly so and you need to or you will be destroyed by grief.
Please find someone to help you

Grow up. Get a childminder. Your mother is entitled to some life. Leave her alone to live it.

Meeting him shouldn't be anything to do withyourgrieving process

Oh come on. It can't be separated that easily. OP's reaction may not be saintly but it is human and she shouldn't be shamed for it any more than her mum should for meeting someone. It's hard for both of them.