To be so angry with my mum?

[pennygirl26]

I've ended up so upset tonight I've had to leave work. Am I being unreasonable.

My father passed away on valentines day last year. So we are just coming up to the anniversary. Its been a very tough time he had a long illness and me and my mum cared for him. Obviously it's still a very raw time and I'm not over anything yet.

Anyway my mums been saying all along that she isn't ready to move on from my dad and couldnt even think about meeting anyone else. Anyway last Monday she drops the bombshell she's met someone and had been seeing him for a few weeks. After the initial shock I understand she's lonely and will want to move on at some point however yes I'm upsets at her timing and the lies of where she's been and who with. I told her that it's up to her if she's want move on but I'm not ready so I don't want to meet him and I do not want my children around him. She agrees and I think that's fine. So the 1st week she stuck with this plan since then she's been trying to set up situations for me to meet him. I've struggled and tried to muddle through telling her I'm not ready.

My mum watches my daughter sometimes for me while I'm working however if she has plans or anything I can arrrage an alternative. The past 2 weeks she's cancelled to see this man. Fine I'm OK with that however today I was at hospital for a biopsy and then working mum said she would keep my daughter and I could pick her up tonight. As the night goes on i find out she's actually got her new boyfriend there while my daughter was there. I went and took my daughter from my mum and she's acting as if everything was OK even though I was crying she didn't even notice.

AIBU that I don't want my daughter around this man and my mum went behind my back and had him there without telling me and going against my wishes. It's not even been a year. I'm absalouty devastated. I've decided now she's not able to have my daughter unsupervised as I can't trust her.

Sorry for my long rambling my heads all over the place.

It's not just about childcare and the fact that you have umpteen family members who could look after your dc if needed. It's about your dc's relationship with their granny. They've lost one grandparent. It's really not kind to erect barriers which get in the way of their seeing the other one.

I can't understand why you should feel you have a veto over who your dc meets while in their dgm's care. Surely she isn't introducing him as a potential new grandad?

Sorry, Op. I do understand that this is upsetting for you. Your grief is causing you to react as if your father is still alive, and your mother is having an affair. Your rational side knows that's not true, but your emotions are stuck in the past. I really feel you need help with this, as the way you're behaving now is likely to cause so much trouble for you in the future.

If you want to punish your mum for your grief then do so. I think you are treating her terribly though. No idea why adult children controlling their parents is considered acceptable on here, whilst the reverse is considered abuse.

I can't understand why you should feel you have a veto over who your dc meets while in their dgm's care.

Because kids have feelings too and it's the parent's job to look after them.
We were told by the grief counsellor at the hospice that we should go ahead and let the kids meet with fils new partner a few weeks after mil died. So despite our own instincts we did this- and our DD was distraught. She took it very badly and refused to see them again for 6 months. She now really dislikes the new partner and that's not going to change.
We stood have been stronger and let the kids have more time to grieve their nana before rolling in a new partner.
We were bullied by fil into doing something we knew wasn't right for our DC.
That's why op gets to decide who her children see and when. Because she's their mum and really does know what's best for them.

Nothing in the OPs post suggests her decision not to let her dd meet her mum's new friend has been made in her dd's best interest. It seems its been made to protect her feelings. And now she's punishing her mum using her children.

I think some posters are being far too harsh with the OP. Her emotions are particularly intense at the moment because she's facing the first anniversary of her dad's death. She won't be able to see this objectively right now.

At no point has she said that her mum shouldn't move on; she just isn't ready to meet her new bf yet, and doesn't want her DD to either as yet. That was her request, rightly or wrongly, and her mum should have respected that. Her mum has only been seeing her fella for a couple of weeks, why should she need to introduce him to her DGD right away??

I also get why it's hard to imagine your mum with another man, OP, but you will have to get used to it, whether it's this bf or another man in the future. I actually would have liked my DM and MIL, both of them widows, to find love again. They've both been single for many years and that's a very lonely existence; it's also meant that MIL in particular is very dependent emotionally on her DSs and that can be draining.

@BrightYellowHat she might need to find alternative childcare then, can't have it both ways.

I think your mother must choose when it is right for her to try to move on. However she should also accept and respect your grieving process and your right as a parent to decide if where and when your child meets any prospective new partner.

Also only a year on your mother is in the very early stages of moving on from the death of your father. Any new friendships/relationships at this stage could well be temporary and I think it is unwise of your mother to want to introduce new boyfriends to your small daughter at this stage.

It is very difficult for both you and your mother. You can never have another Dad but of course she could eventually have another long term partner. I hope you can find ways to keep being kind to each other op. Good luck.

I think some of the comments here are quite harsh.

I have sympathy, op, my dm was with a new partner a few weeks after my df died. He had a long illness too. I was distraught, it was completely out of the blue. I had the same reaction in that I wanted nothing to do with him. I met him after about 6 months as I wanted my dm to be happy but I still struggle now even 10 years later. He is OK but I don't think he is right for her still, but not my choice.

I feel for you OP. It’s horrible losing a parent but you can’t be so harsh to your mum just because she’s coping dealing and moving on in a different way to you. You gave your family she is probably very lonely and meeting this man is going to bring her some company and comfort. Please be strong and give him a chance. If he’s cruel, you have concerns or signs that’s hes a concern fair enough but this is just because you feel like you’re betraying the memory of your dad. It’s not straightaway it’s almost a year.

Set some ground rules. He can be grandma’s friend but no inappropriate behaviour or titles whilst the kids are grieving too but you can discuss that.

I’m so sorry you're in this position and the timing sucks 💐

People who have partners with a long terminal illness have to process their grief early. It isn't uncommon to move on quite quickly afterwards.

I havent read the full hread. Sorry. But wanted to post. I have a very good friend whose dad died a couple of years ago. 2-3 years terminal illness so the whole family knew. My friend's mum and dad had been happily married for decades - I think they just missed the 50th wedding anniversary. So the children were very surprised when the mum started seeing an old family friend just months after her husband passed away. We have talked a lot about it. My view - now - is that her mum was so used to a good happy strong relationship that she wanted another. The family dont like the new chap very much but support their mum. The dad is still very much remembered, talked about, so thats good. But it is interesting how different people can move on at such different pace.

I think it's easy to forget that our mums have need for more than just the love of their children. I remember that when we had recently lost my FIL (tragically in a car accident 15 years ago), my DH reacted strongly to the suggestion that his mum would be very lonely without his dad.

He said, 'It's our job to make sure she isn't.' I said gently, 'She's just lost her husband, we can't make up for that.' Because my DM had been a widow for some years then so I knew what it was like for her.

There's something very primitive in the emotions that some offspring feel about seeing their parent in a new relationship, and I'm not using that word disparagingly. I've seen it in my own dd. It's a very strong emotion that cannot be explained rationally.

Don't be too harsh on your mum, it sounds like she's been through the mill, too. Also if she's raising awareness of the condition, surely that's great - she's also thinking of your dad and what he went through.
No one should lie, but we're humans and frail, and make errors.
Try to get past this with your mum. I would give anything to spend time with my mum, but she died when I was young. Don't cut her out.

My mums also campaigning massively about dad's illness and treatment over his illness to improve things in the future and she's been contacted by a local paper to do a story. I feel it's wrong aswell. Not sure why

YAB massively U over this ^

I won't live a long life.

I want my DH to move on after I have gone and meet someone else. He will still have a long stretch of his life left and I would hate for him to not do so because of me. iyswim

I do understand that you are upset about the lying, but you do have to understand your DM may have had similar conversations with your DF.

Your DM meeting someone new isn't going to fit into a perfect time box andd it isn't going to bring your DF back.

She's grieving. She's had a horrendous time, she has lost her husband and she has a lot to come to terms with. I suspect you have been sending out strong signals that you don't think she should be ready to be with anyone else yet, and she has just been responding to that. I agree she shouldn't have lied, but let's have a bit of humanity here - after what she's been through, she's surely entitled to avoid a potentially disturbing emotional scene. I suspect however this had happened, you would be punishing your mother for meeting someone else. I'm not sure I find your protestations that you want her to be happy and want her not to be lonely very convincing. Part of your own grieving probably wants your mother to stay on her own as a kind of living shrine to his memory. This is understandable but completely unfair to her. I get the impression you are so focussed on your own loss you are not recognising the devastating loss - and the long experience of illness - she has been through. So yes, I think YABU.

Tbh I don’t get the general hysteria over children meeting strangers when with other people. If this was a friend of the mother would there be an issue? Or are we to assume that anyone who looks after someone’s children should never ever have anything to do with people the parent doesn’t know while they are in charge of their children?

I absolutely understand the OP’s wish to not meet the new man in her mum’s life,because it must be incredibly hard to watch a parent move on after the death of a much loved parent and their long term partner. If one of my parents died I would find it incredibly difficult to see the remaining one with someone else, but that would say more about me than it would about them.

As for the OP’s dd, the OP is being unreasonable to stipulate a time for the mum to introduce anyone into her dd’s Life. And the sad reality is that the OP’s dd is unlikely to remember her grandad anyway, even now tbh. But either way, if it was just a friend there wouldn’t be an issue, so there shouldn’t be an issue with it being a new man in her mum’s life either.

In terms of campaigning with regards to the illness, OP you are being incredibly unreasonable to take issue with this. That’s all that needs saying really.

Tbh I don’t get the general hysteria over children meeting strangers when with other people

Yeap. That's been puzzling me. Someone sees it as the same as a single mother introducing a new man, but people who aren't the actual parents are governed by other rules.

🌻 I'm so sorry. I found the first anniversary of my Dad's death harder than the actual event. I think your mother is being horribly insensitive and selfish. I don't know what to advise you but I'm with you in spirit

You'd know more than his name if you agreed to meet him.