To be so angry with my mum?

[pennygirl26]

I've ended up so upset tonight I've had to leave work. Am I being unreasonable.

My father passed away on valentines day last year. So we are just coming up to the anniversary. Its been a very tough time he had a long illness and me and my mum cared for him. Obviously it's still a very raw time and I'm not over anything yet.

Anyway my mums been saying all along that she isn't ready to move on from my dad and couldnt even think about meeting anyone else. Anyway last Monday she drops the bombshell she's met someone and had been seeing him for a few weeks. After the initial shock I understand she's lonely and will want to move on at some point however yes I'm upsets at her timing and the lies of where she's been and who with. I told her that it's up to her if she's want move on but I'm not ready so I don't want to meet him and I do not want my children around him. She agrees and I think that's fine. So the 1st week she stuck with this plan since then she's been trying to set up situations for me to meet him. I've struggled and tried to muddle through telling her I'm not ready.

My mum watches my daughter sometimes for me while I'm working however if she has plans or anything I can arrrage an alternative. The past 2 weeks she's cancelled to see this man. Fine I'm OK with that however today I was at hospital for a biopsy and then working mum said she would keep my daughter and I could pick her up tonight. As the night goes on i find out she's actually got her new boyfriend there while my daughter was there. I went and took my daughter from my mum and she's acting as if everything was OK even though I was crying she didn't even notice.

AIBU that I don't want my daughter around this man and my mum went behind my back and had him there without telling me and going against my wishes. It's not even been a year. I'm absalouty devastated. I've decided now she's not able to have my daughter unsupervised as I can't trust her.

Sorry for my long rambling my heads all over the place.

OP, I think it's fine if you want to take some time to adjust before meeting him. It's understandable that you feel this is all out of the blue given what she said.

If it was my mom i would meet him eventually but want it to be after a few months, making sure they were more serious, rather than just a recent thing. I never understand why people want to introduce new partners to their family so quickly, it's better to see if it's going somewhere first. It's not like it would be difficult for your mom to see him without you or your DD around. Most people don't date with their daughter and granddaughter in tow. Your mom has only been seeing this guy for a few weeks, not months, she hardly knows him, it's not a relationship yet. And as a pp stated, a young single mom with kids would get completely torn apart for introducing a very new guy to her kids.

I also wouldn't want someone I didn't know around my daughter, so I completely understand where you're coming from there. You know nothing about this man and have no reason to trust him around your daughter. She should definitely not be goin behind your back.

Just tell your mom that you need time to adjust and when you feel more comfortable you will be ready for you and your DD to meet him, until then you will use other childcare.

I don’t think you’re obliged to meet him if you don’t want to. Your choice.
I don’t think you quite get to make that choice apply to everyone else though. Imposing arbitrary rules on your mum’s new relationship using your daughter as leverage is pretty overbearing.
I’m sure you’re not ordinarily so unreasonable so maybe some perspective is required. And I do mean everything I say kindly.

You can grieve as much as you like but I'm not sure how your mum having a partner interrupts that? You want her to look after your child and accept your version of grief? She's grieving too and moving on, YABU. You need to grow up and respect your mum as a person, or you can stop expecting her to look after your child entirely on your terms until you are ready to empathise with your mum's situation. Some grief counselling would probably be useful too.

@longwayoff

Your mother is entitled to some life. Leave her alone to live it.

But her mother doesn't want to be 'left alone to live it'. She wants to involve her daughter who's not ready to meet him and her granddaughter, despite it being only a few weeks! She can hardly even know him that well herself!

I completely think her mother is entitled to have a relationship, but the OP is equally allowed to not want her or her daughter involved in it yet. The OP isn't saying her mother shouldn't be seeing someone.

For me it would less about the new man, which I think most of us would understand about taking into. Into consideration the length of the op’s dads illness. But more about her dm not respecting her wishes and trying to engineer situations to force the issue.

This isn’t like she’s seeing someone you don’t approve of, this is about her letting you grieve for a lost parent in your own way and in your own time.

One of my closest friends died just under a year ago. She had a chronic illness for many years and for the last four months of her life was unable to leave the house - her husband took early retirement to look after her and nursed her to the end.
She had loved to travel and go out for meals, weekends away and theatre trips when she'd been in better health and had looked forward to her husbands retirement when they would have the time to do more of these things. Unfortunately none of these things happened.
She was a very wise and forward thinking lady and told her husband again and again that he wasn't to sit at home after she died and mourn what might have been, rather to get out there and take the trips, see the shows and find someone else to do it with. She told her grown up children the same thing.
Six weeks ago he has met someone through a shared interest. We are pleased for him, he was desperately lonely especially in the evenings despite having plenty of family and friends around and his friend has given him a new zest for life.
I just wonder OP if your dad said something similar to your mum? I totally understand how you feel especially about the lies but try to forgive her, I'm guessing she was trying to protect you and maybe even felt a little embarrassed?
I truly hope you can resolve this with your mum and continue to have a close relationship with her

My Mother remarried when my Dad had been dead 6 years, I was upset by it, so I can see where you are coming from, after less than a year, but the lying is something else.

I think your not being fair to your mother. She's nursed and grieved for her life partner. She deserves more happiness in life. She's not replacing your father, she has some company.

From her perspective - I think she's told a white lie, she doesn't want to upset you and yes shouldn't have lied but she's done so to try and protect you.

Fine date see someone whatever just don't lie. Give me time if that make sense.

Sorry , my long reply disappeared ^. I'll try again!

The lying is a massive issue.

Find alternative childcare.

Fine date see someone whatever just don't lie. Give me time if that make sense.

That is contradictory. If she's seeing someone, then she either has to lie to give you time, or she tells you straight away and you don't get that time. She can only not lie and give you time by not seeing anyone.

I met DP a year after his father had died. Two years later his mum started seeing someone else. I was upset thinking about my own parents - who were very much alive and very much together. I couldn't bear the thought of either of them being with someone else. I was telling them about DP's mum and I got upset and had to explain why. They told me that it was something they'd talked about long before, and neither of them would want the other to be alone for the rest of their life. They both said that they WOULD want the other to find someone else and be happy.

Maybe your mum and dad had the same conversation when he first became ill, and maybe she's doing this with your dad's blessing and encouragement.

No where has the op said that her mum shouldn’t be dating. She simply isn’t ready to meet her mums new fella. She’s expressed this wish to her mum, but rather than her mum respecting that, she’s lied and then not respected her daughters wish.

This isn’t about her dm having a new bf, it’s about the mum not respecting her daughters wishes

Of course your DM is entitled to live her life the way she wants - and I don't think you disagree with that: the issue is that she was telling you one thing - perhaps to spare your feelings - whilst clearly doing another thing. I can understand, to a degree, why she lied about the new man. What I would have trouble with is her introducing him to your child: he is a stranger to you, as you say you know nothing about him (and how much does DM know?) and whether/when you and DDC meet him should be your decision, not hers. I don't know why she couldn't skip a night with new man when she had your DD. YANBU to be upset about DM moving on - YABU if you expect her to be alone for the rest of her life (but I don't think you do), and YANBU to be angry for her lying about having her new man around your DD without your knowledge or consent.

YABU and quite unkind I’m afraid OP. Your mum deserves the chance to move in with her life. You are trying to control her via contact with her grand-daughter. Think again and try to find more empathy for your mum.

OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. It was the anniversary of my Dads death yesterday ( not the first though).
Grief affects people different ways, and perhaps you feel resentful that your mum appears to have moved on, and you haven't yet.
Your mum is still a relatively young woman, and you have your own life now. She has spent several years putting her own life on hold, whilst caring for your dad, and whilst so did you, you had your own DC to focus on, and maybe a DH or DP.
She is now left with very little, after being busy in a caring role for so many years. Please don't deny her a chance of happiness. Just because she met someone else, doesn't mean she loved your dad any less or is trying to replace him. But she could potentially live for another 30/40 years and that is a LONG time for her to be on your own. I do get you feel the timing is off, but sometimes we just meet people and "click". I know circs are different, but I met my DH only 2 months after splitting from my ex, after swearing off men forever. I wasn't looking for anyone, he was a friend at first. Maybe thats what happened to your mum?
I completely understand that you were angry at her for lying, and she shouldn't have done that, but she probably didn't want to hurt you.
I do think you overreacted by leaving work and picking your DD up. If you trust your mum to look after your daughter, why would you think she would put her in danger in anyway?
I do think you need to have a chat with your mum. And please do not fall out with her over this. You both need each other.
Hugs xx

If your mum had a new female friend would you have kicked off in this way. Do you think they are going to get all lovey dovey in front of DD? Do you think he could be a pervert. Think long and hard, she may marry this stranger.

I do think you need counselling you are still in a bad place.

I think overall YABU.
You're annoyed she's gone from not wanting to meet anyone ever to dating a man in a few days. That not uncommon. Why is that so hard to understand? Sometimes someone just comes along and sweeps you off your feet. And judging by your reaction you can see why she didnt say she was seeing him and was lying about where she was. Because you are showing her that you're not ready to see her happy yet.

You lost your father. She lost her husband. You have no idea how that feels OP. Especially when she has had to watch him deteriorate slowly. And you will both grieve in different ways and inevitably move on at differenr degrees too.

I told her that it's up to her if she's want move on but I'm not ready so I don't want to meet him and I do not want my children around him.

If this was your exact attitude and those were your exact words then im sorry but your are incredibly harsh and you could have been much more tactful. 'Im glad your taking steps to be happier, but i think ill wait a little before i meet him as i dont feel ready yet, but you get to know him and enjoy some time together before you introduce us'. That would be a much more supportive answer and not one where you're practically shutting a door in her face and not opening it till you're ready to see her happy.

Yes i do agree she shouldn't have had him around your DC if you were so against it but its her house, and her BF and maybe if u were less standoffish and more supportive, she wouldnt have felt the need to not tell u he was there. Maybe he dropped by, or maybe she had plans with him already but didnt want to let you down again for him.

Ideally if you're that against it, get someone else to babysit so your mum can still do what makes her happy.

You are still grieving but you need to stop letting it dictate the relationships around you. I think yes your mum made a mistake but cut her some slack, she doesnt need to feel like shes treading on eggshells around you.

A friend who lost her dear husband had cared for him for a long time palliative care the lot. She did a lot of her grieving whilst he was still living she once told me. It is different from losing a spouse suddenly.

I don't live in the UK, so I genuinely don't know, but are there any support groups for people dealing with grief?

Because I think you, OP, might benefit from either counselling or a support group.

I think your feelings are natural, but not helpful or rational.

My DH realised his dad was dating someone else at his mum's funeral. That was tough. And a few weeks later FIL expected us to be sitting round the dinner table with his new Gf chatting like nothing odd was going on. And just 6 weeks after mil died, Fil sat in our front room and told us he'd never been happier - he felt like he was 17 again. My DH struggled with that and did not want the DC to think that their nana was so easily replaced.
The shit hit the fan and their relationship has never recovered. The new partner hates us because she thinks we were unreasonable and she now makes it very difficult for fil to see any of his kids and grandchildren.
It's very sad. But I'm not sure how we could have avoided it. Fil had already moved on emotionally by the time mil died (long illness) but DH hadn't.

So all I would advise is that you tread carefully - these things can cause huge rifts. Please don't assume your mum will come round to your way of thinking or that she would always choose you over new bf.
Either way the lying is inexcusable. And to those suggesting it's partly your fault because you forced her to lie - that's just bollocks. Nobody forced her to lie. Your mum wanted to see your DC and lying was how she made that happen.

I think you're being really unfair to your Mum. Support her. Meeting someone you like isn't something you can pre-plan to fit into any timescale, it happens. There's never going to be a 'right' time. Life is short, we all deserve to be happy. Put yourself in her shoes.

My mum was widowed in her late 50's. I would've loved to see her meet someone else to share life with and be happy with. Someone to be there for her as we're all busy with our own lives. Imagine how lonely it is. Even with a great network of friends and family. She would've liked to too. Sadly she hasn't and is now in her mid 70's. What a shame.

Your mum is clearly there for you when you need support.

Imagine how this man feels being the cause of so much upset? Or if his family were making your mum feel like this.

I think if you reflect you'll maybe see that you're being a little unfair and perhaps selfish.

I truly sympathise with the grief you've experienced losing your Dad.

I'm sorry pennygirl, both for you losing your Dad and also the backlash you are getting here.

The OP lost her father less than a year ago and has posted for support yet there are some nasty comments directed at her. What a shame people can not have more empathy.

Pennygirl has stated time and time again that she has no problem with her Mum meeting someone else but that she has problems with her Mum telling lies.

If pennygirl doesn't feel ready to introduce her Mum's partner into her daughter's life at the moment then her mother should not go behind her back and do it.

Pennygirl's Mum should respect her feelings and let pennygirl deal/manage her grief in her own way.

I do feel your pain. After my lovely mum died in October a few years ago my Dad turned up for his xmas dinner 2 1/2 months later with a new partner (no warning) and she had her dinner sat in my mum's place at the table.
That was the beginning of the end and I'm nc with him now for many similar incidents.

My husband suffered a brain haemorrhage 4 and a half years ago, and passed away in April of last year. I absolutely have no wish to be in a relationship with anyone. That said I have been spending time with a guy in a FWB type situation. My children do not need to know, we are all still grieving. But in my head, I lost him four years ago, it might be that OP’s mum feels the same way? That said, she should respect her daughter’s feelings and not try to force it.