To not want him to come home?

[thesearch]

The minute my husband walks in the door from work he starts packing stuff away or tidying up.
I wouldn't mind if it was helpful and the kids and I had moved on to another game. But, he will pack away what we are doing.
The most recent example. The kids are I were having a picnic and riding skateboards in the garden. He got home, packed up the muffins and started putting away the skateboards.
I've had many calm discussions asking him to stop doing this. Nothing has changed.

AIBU to be annoyed?

Agree with pp op, this behaviour is anxiety inducing - for you and your dc, and he needs to seek help. I appreciate it may feel uncontrollable for him, but the first step.is for him to recognise it's not helpful for you, it negatively affects you and he needs to attempt to stop. You need to speak to him when all is calm not after or during an argument to male your point clearly and see what his response is. If he doesn't acknowledge it isn't helpful behaviour then you have bigger issues with him not listening to your needs.

Be strong and get the fuck out.

He’s making you miserable and damaging your kids.

Stop making excuses not to leave and make plans instead.

Nothing matters more than your and the kids MH. 💐

This is WAY beyond him getting help for a problem. He’s just a nasty, stupid, prick.

This sounds a very distressing (but hopefully not an insoluble) problem.
But am I the only poster who suspects that the OP is minimising just how chaotic and untidy she has allowed her house to be?

So sorry just caught up - ignore previous response from me. Your dh is so unreasonable in his comments about your daughter, and you are clearly aware you'd be happier without sharing a home with him. Life is too short.

But am I the only poster who suspects that the OP is minimising just how chaotic and untidy she has allowed her house to be?

Yes, you are

@OnlyaMan our house is spotless. Always is. Every single person who comes into our house comments on how clean and tidy it is.

I know I am at the end of my tolerance level.

The comments about our daughter made that clear. I can't even begin to explain how awful those comments were.

@givemesteel
When DH was away recently, my eldest commented on a few things that "we'd never be able to do this if dad was here". He sees it

It seems that you can't carry on, so I guess there are 2 options. Tell him how you feel and what that means (that you dread him coming home), you can then either agree he will get some help to see if he can get control of what's happening and stop or you think about splitting up.

He has a mental illness and needs professional help. Please don't shout at him!

@OnlyaMan

Let me make this nice and easy for you to understand.

If a parent walks into a room where their co-parent/partner is playing a game with their children it is NOT NORMAL to tidy away said game. It is NOT NORMAL to be pissed off that the co-parent/partner is spending time educating and spending time with said children.

HTH.....asshole

@SilverySurfer two wrongs don't make a right, I know that.
He's rude to me and the kids. I shouldn't shout, I know that. I should leave and find happiness.

He has a mental illness and needs professional help. Please don't shout at him!

And what about the effect his MH has on the kids?!

And what about the effect his MH has on the kids?!

And his responsability to seek help.

ok prior to people kowing this guy was a dick.people were really bearing down on someone who possibly had ocd.ocd is hell.it is a torturing illness.we all need to have a bit more emptahty and understanding of it.it isn't about tidying people or things away.

Maybe because I'm autistic and ocd can overlap with autism, I have many friends who are affected by it.
It's just that they see it as part of their wiring, for them to deal with, rather than something that allows them to dictate how their family should behave.
If your emotions leave you feeling the world should be a certain way, it's on you to work out how realistic that wish is.
If you can't do it alone, you get talking therapy and/or take medication.

If you act as though somebody else should fix it, you're being a dick.
Ocd isn't making you be a dick.
I'm not saying my autistic traits have never overlapped with my being a dick.
I'm saying when that happens I try to see that as my issue to work on.

I don't know your situation, OP, nor that of your husband but on the basis of his obsessive need to tidy things away, to create order in what he perceives as chaos, and your apparent inability to empathise - certainly because his behaviour is controlling and invasive, not to mention upsetting for your children - maybe a separation is a good idea. It's not for me or any of us on here to judge or to tell you what to do. I simply hope that your husband will somehow get the care he needs from a medical professional. OCD is a terrible illness.

Op it might be an idea to separately sit down and find out exactly what he thinks autism is and how it affects people. Because most people, when thinking about autism, don’t jump straight to wheelchairs - while some people that have autism may also need to use a wheelchair it’s in no way a defining characteristic of autism (whereas if somebody has something like MS for example, there are many sufferers that will use a wheelchair some or all of the time even though some won’t need to - it’s definitely something in the general mix to be considered).

If you can find out exactly what he thinks autism is (and isn’t) then it might give you some valuable insights into his reactions. It will also enable you to say that actually, what the specials have said to you is a bit different, it’s [insert what they said about your dd] and that let’s look at these resources from the nhs/national autistic society/etc to explain more clearly.

Likewise asking him how exactly he thinks you should play could give some interesting insights. Not to allow him to think that his way is right of course - but just to get where he is coming from. And to find out what he thinks play is and why it’s important for kids.

Finally how about taking his meal away from him when he’s in the middle of eating something - preferably something he really likes. You don’t have to remove completely, you can let him have it back - but after the conversation about why does he feel upset and to point out he is doing just this to you and dd when tidying games away when being played with. Also ask him to remember the feeling and say that you are going to remind him about it every time he does this in the future but that you’ll be happy to let him know when the game is finished so you can tidy together / him tidy while you cook the next meal or put washing on or whatever so that way he knows he can tidy and that you are also doing something useful.

Firesuit

What a very self serving assessment. To assume it's easier for he opened to change her behaviour rather than for her DP to moderate his response. Yes everyone has their own standards, and none are "right" or "wrong", but there are NORMS that are largely accepted - somewhere between loving surrounded by rotting food and faeces and a minimalist coffin of a house forensically bleached. Norms can be established at most levels, in this case the family level -everyone in the household but the DP's partner is happy with the level of tidiness - and our reaction to our emotions when the environment isn't to our personal liking is as much under our control as any of our other reactions. However, expecting everyone else in the family to curtail themselves and put themselves out to achieve a standard you arbitrarily set as "right", with all the attendant stress, upset and frustration that will cause them, is not reasonable.

To be fair the OP isn't asking the husband to change how he feels; just how he behaves. Not to tidy up around her all the time and not to huff and puff and make a fuss when things aren't as perfect as he wants them. So it isn't a question of actions being easier to change than feelings; the two are intertwined. It's a case of people behaving in a way that is reasonable and proportionate. Which absolutely should be sense-checked with the average person now and again, or high needs people like yourself can end up creating a little dictatorship where the only person who is to be satisfied is them, and the only person whose wants matter are theirs.

Even in such a dictatorship, the person at the centre of it will be distressed - you can't control everything.

I think I am him. Except I only have one child, and I don't clean up the mess, I just live in a permanent state of distress and unexpressed rage at being forced to live with it.

But the OP and the children are using 'the mess' and he's just walked in the door.

Nowhere does the OP say that they don't put it all away when it's finished with so he isn't being forced to live with anything.

What are the weekends like, OP?