To not want him to come home?

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The minute my husband walks in the door from work he starts packing stuff away or tidying up.
I wouldn't mind if it was helpful and the kids and I had moved on to another game. But, he will pack away what we are doing.
The most recent example. The kids are I were having a picnic and riding skateboards in the garden. He got home, packed up the muffins and started putting away the skateboards.
I've had many calm discussions asking him to stop doing this. Nothing has changed.

AIBU to be annoyed?

Did you point out that he is making other people suffer with his behaviour, and that therefore he needs to do something about it? Yes he may be distressed and have an as-yet-undiagnosed MH issue, but it is his responsibility to seek help for this. Because letting him carry on spoiling whatever you are doing is not addressing his problem, it's just making it everyone else's problem.

You need to find out if his 'solution' is that you all just let him have his own way, or if he is willing to get himself sorted out. It's also worth noting that a fair few abusive and controlling men will claim to have a MH issue to justify their unreasonable behaviour, but the way to tell that it's more about abuse than ill-health is if they reject any suggestion of professional help for the problem and insist that all that is needed is... for them to be indulged all the time and for their partners and children to accept their abuse without complaining.

I do not believe he has mental health issues. (Obviously I'm not a professional).

So if you don't believe he has OCD, why do you think he's acting like this?

@whiteworld because he's a selfish ass.

I would be encouraging your DH to visit his GP then OP. This is a MH condition and it is obviously affecting him as badly as it is you and I'm sure there is help that he can access to learn to control it. It's not going to get better on its own so the sooner he seeks help the better for all of you.

It’s so hard to deal with, because you cannot make him get help, so you kind of need things to come to a head somehow so he realises it is an issue, but equally you have to live with it. Namestheyareachangin was right about it being draining, and I know I felt like it was having such a massive impact on me because in my DH’s head, there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, and it was me who was trying to find ways to deal with it and manage it, and help our DC not to be affected by it.
It’s really hard to make someone see that it is an issue, rather than them just liking the house to be tidy. That is great that you have had a chat and hopefully you can work with what he has told you as a springboard for him to go to the GP. My DH fought me all the way, until his stress at work was absolutely catastrophic, and he finally realised he couldn’t go on like this anymore.
Keep talking to each other, and make sure to do some nice things on your own with your DC, out of the house where none of you need to worry.

Sounds like my DP. Does he have anxiety issues sometime?

He said he cleans like this because it's like their is all this noise in his head and the only way to settle the noise is to keep moving and cleaning. He seemed quite distressed.

And you still don't think he has a mental illness? Really?

He seems to be describing a mental health issue. One he isn't dealing with.
His feelings don't enable him to force destructive behaviour on you and your children.

Oh wow, your update made me . So you sat and talked with your DH, he got distressed, and you're calling him a selfish arse? Sounds like there's more to this than you're revealing on here.

X post with your update. It does sound to me like OCD. My DH was diagnosed with it, but I still feel as though he is just selfish and controlling because that is how it manifests. His symptoms sound very similar to my DH.

He needs to see his GP to get help with this.

Don't you believe him when he said:

He said he cleans like this because it's like their is all this noise in his head and the only way to settle the noise is to keep moving and cleaning. ?

Can't he clean or tidy something else to get rid of the noise in his head rather than disturbing his wife and children mid activity?
Go clean the bathroom or something else instead?? Start making tea? Go do the shopping?
Would having a hobby or something help?
It sounds like he does need some kind of professional help.
It's not fair of him to keep doing this to you.

That does sound exactly like a mental illness, which he doesn’t have great insight into.
That will make him behave like a selfish arse, but the difference is that it’s more likely to be treatable.
But only if he is prepared to look for treatment.

I think needs to understand that for you, this is a deal-breaker.
He needs help.
He needs to understand that if he doesn't seek help then you will be separating.
Then he can look to get help and get a proper diagnosis so you know what you are dealing with (if there is something)
But as others have picked up, I think there's more to this.
He sounds selfish, horrible and controlling.
What else does he do that makes you think he's selfish?

Because he's not generally nice.

He's not friendly towards me. Never engaged in chat, there is always something he needs to be doing.
He comes home and cleans, he doesn't take any of the parenting pressure off me.
Mutters and makes comments about stuff under his breath.

@hellsbellsmelons he is selfish horrible and controlling.

Do you and the children benefit in any way from him being around?

Do you ever feel he appreciates you?

@SuperLoudPoppingAction
I don't benefit. When he travels for work I enjoy such a feeling of freedom.
The kids do benefit. He takes them out bike riding, to the park, to sports etc and is actually very engaged with them when out of the house.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction
I don't feel appreciated at the moment. I used to, but less and less over time, to the point where I don't feel appreciated at all now.

He's not friendly towards me. Never engaged in chat, there is always something he needs to be doing.
He comes home and cleans, he doesn't take any of the parenting pressure off me.
Mutters and makes comments about stuff under his breath.

OP you are where I was a few months ago. I was at total breaking point. You are describing my DP to a tee, including the fact that when outside the home or 'doing something' with the toddler (just playing around at home is not 'doing something' apparently), he's actually a wonderful Dad.

I don't know what to tell you to do. I still don't know if we'll make it longer term. But I fully understand and feel for you. I understand why at this point you don't give a shit if he has a MH problem or not, because he's giving you one with his closed-off, selfish, unreasonable behaviour. I understand how it feels, like you're just an inconvenience to be worked around in the perfect life he is always trying to build for himself. To feel so unloved and unappreciated and unengaged with.

What you said about the muttering under the breath. No matter how many times I tell DP how much him banging around in another room muttering and huffing made me anxious he just WOULDN'T. STOP. DOING IT.

Sorry, I don't want to make this about me, but I really really feel you. Don't listen to everyone getting up your arse about 'in sickness and in health'. You matter too, your feelings matter, and with the best will in the world you can't help someone who refuses to believe there is anything wrong with them and puts it all back on you.

It sounds like your relationship has broken down.

His behaviour could be a way of distracting himself because he knows it's coming to an end.

You need to decide what you want and then have a discussion with him.

If that isn't safe then decide what you want and get advice on how to end it.

OK.... so a different approach maybe?
If he comes in and starts tidying up things you are using, walk out.
Just a quick.. 'OK, I'll leave you to it'
Leave him to tidy it up and find something else to do with the DC but you leave the house and leave him to entertain the DC.
He won't do it once he knows you will follow through on this every time he does it.
When you leave, just go to a friends or family or a coffee shop.
Deep breaths. Turn phone off.
Go back after about an hour.
I really think you need to look at what separation looks like.
For you and for your DC.
Maybe get a free half hour if anyone in your area offers it.
Knowledge is power.

If he's that grim then leave him!