To not want him to come home?

[thesearch]

The minute my husband walks in the door from work he starts packing stuff away or tidying up.
I wouldn't mind if it was helpful and the kids and I had moved on to another game. But, he will pack away what we are doing.
The most recent example. The kids are I were having a picnic and riding skateboards in the garden. He got home, packed up the muffins and started putting away the skateboards.
I've had many calm discussions asking him to stop doing this. Nothing has changed.

AIBU to be annoyed?

I think you need to sit him down in a quiet moment (which isn’t immediately after the event) and ask him why he does it and have a discussion.

Its so passive aggressive - he obviously doesn’t want you to be doing whatever you’re doing so he makes his feelings known by packing up. What a prick!

Does he want to come home to a silent house with seen-but-not-heard children?

I think you need to tell him you dread him coming home. If that doesn’t shock him into making changes, it would make me reconsider the whole relationship.

@thesearch My OP became much worse for a bit after the baby came, with the attendant extra mess and lack of time/fucks to give about tidying on my part. I got him to talk about it ONCE, and basically got the impression he was afraid if we let things start to slide, then it would inevitably lead to total chaos and living in filth. He genuinely seemed to think that was the only possible outcome of, say, not emptying the dishwasher the second it was done or leaving some baby blocks on the floor overnight. It was an interesting insight into his mind actually, and made me more sympathetic - even though it is obviously bonkers to think that way, how horrible to feel like that, to feel like there is so much pressure.

I have come to the conclusion I cannot change him, I can only change myself and how I react to him - mainly because we were rowing all the time and I didn't want that in front of our daughter. So I try hard not to react when he starts tidying up pointlessly or fretting excessively over something trivial.

I now thank him if what he's done is actually useful - I used to get upset because he never gave me the chance to do anything and I felt judged and useless so would have a lot of arguments of the "I was going to do that!"/"I'm just helping!" defensive variety.

The other stuff? I ignore. I walk away. I do something else. He knows I don't like it and I want him to be different. For whatever reason he can't or won't change. For me it wasn't enough to end it (thought about it a lot though). The stress of it before was driving me nuts and making me miserable; then i realised that that was just the stress in him infecting me, so I try to shut it out.

I worry sometimes when I see memes about the 'mental load' usually carried by women that I'm just lazy and selfish, and he feels that nothing will get done if he doesn't plan it or sort it. But when he went away with work for a week, daughter and I ticked along fine and the house was fine when he came back. So I think by and large my standards are OK. I just try and draw a line where I won't try to live up to his crazy standards or let him impose them on my daughter, but I won't interfere with him doing whatever mad things he has to do to feel OK as long as it isn't actually impacting on us practically.

But yes, you do have the days you think it shouldn't (and needn't) be this hard.

And yes, this sort of 'minor irritation' is worth ending a marriage over, because it's basically bullying you all.
Whatever happened to 'in sickness and in health'? He has a condition that he can't just turn on and off. Yes it's crap for OP & family, it's crap for him too. OCD isn't enjoyable to have, it's bloody horrible feeling like you have to do something or else. He needs to get help for it and that needs OP's support. Sit down with him when the kids are in bed and have a sensible discussion on what he can do to reduce its impact on ALL of you. Encourage him to seek help & offer to go along to the doctor's or whatever so they get a full picture of it and don't try to fob him off.

I find this post really upsetting, because I have been there OP. However, I want to give you a positive story! My DH was exactly like yours, and it has been a struggle for years. It got to the point where we were prepared to leave each other. I was worried for the impact on our DC, and he just couldn’t cope.
I am really pleased to say, my DH has MASSIVELY turned things around. It has taken a lot of counselling, reflection, heart-to-hearts etc, and also a lot of rows and shouting. I completely understand why you lose your temper. I tried as a PP suggested, tidying up what he was using, but I physically couldn’t actually bring myself to do it. I just couldn’t bring myself to do that to someone as it seems so wrong.
The crux of the issue for my DH was stress. Not related to us or our home life, but in other areas of his life, and he felt that he had no control over these things, and the only thing he could control was our home.
There is so much more I could say on the matter. You really have my sympathies OP, and I really hope that something will get through to your DH that what he is doing is so damaging to you. But I wanted to share my story so you can see that there is hope.

He needs to see his GP about the OCD. Mental health issues are horrible, but it's not fair for it to impact you and the kids if he is not seeking help for it. Calm discussion needed, not at a time when things have kicked off. Hugs

It does sound like OCD and perhaps he doesn't realise that. The key is to find out what he thinks will happen if the teacup isn't instantly washed - as a pp said - you might find that he is panicking about a slide into chaos. Did he grow up in a super-neat/super-messy house?

I grew up in a messy/noisy house and was messy myself until i moved out, then suddenly I became obsessed with things being tidy. I have been known to wash a spoon that deep down I know DH is using because it's annoying me just 'sitting there'. For me, it's about feeling calm because things look calm. I have worked hard to chill the fuck out and am much more relaxed than I used to be although I still keep my bedroom room super-tidy and so i have somewhere calm to retreat if needed.

I think that until you have resolved what the problem is and how to move forward, I would suggest using a diversion tactic. So for example, you are in the garden on skateboards having a picnic, leave some mess in the kitchen for him to fuss over instead. Or give him a specific task - "I was trying to sort out this drawer of chargers but I ran out of time - can you finish it?"

And if starts to encroach on stuff that is 'In Use'. A firm "We are using that, please leave it for now" repeated until he moves away.

It's not sustainable and you need to push him to deal with his OCD, but it might work as a stop-gap.

But it isn't just the constant tidying up, it's the grumpiness and unpleasantness that goes with it. He does need to realise, and address his issue. By all means support him, but if he refuses to get help, I would find this increasingly difficult to live with.
If it has reached the stage, where you no longer look forward to him coming home OP, you need to be having that conversation today.

How does he cope at work?

Does he literally have OCD or are you using it as an expression? Because OCD isn’t about wanting a tidy house.

MH issues are not a free pass to keep the rest of your family in a constant state of distress. He can get help or fuck off. He's not the only person iin the household and not the most important, either.

"I haven't finished with that yet."

"I'm in the middle of ... "

"It is not helpful to put stuff away while we're still using it so put the kettle on if you want to be useful."

Delivered with an icy death stare.

Having to do this repeatedly must be very annoying.

Would he like to sit in an empty room with nothing in it? If this could be provided he'd possibly be happier. A bit spartan for many of us.

'Things' laying about are evidence of human existence.

My DH has OCD. His territory is the garage, the mug cupboard and his wardrobe. Anything else is strictly off limits unless he is asked to clear something out.

He decided one day to "clear out" and rearrange the kitchen when I was at work. Most of my cooking equipment ended up in a charity shop and the cupboards were almost bare as I "didn't need" most of it according to him, and what was left was arranged by size/colour and not practical use. I was so angry that I refused to cook for 2 weeks until it all went back as it was (he doesn't and won't cook) and I replaced everything on his debit card. I told him it was both abusive and controlling behaviour and very very cruel when he knew how much I loved cooking for everyone. It was a wake up call for both of us as to how bad it had got, and we both took steps to find a compromise.... hence his own territory that I respect, and vice versa.

It's far from perfect but he has learnt to slow down with it, if that makes sense.

I don't understand why asking him to make tea would elicit Does he never make you tea?
I can't tell if he has a diagnosis of OCD or if he's using that term to excuse him being an arse. If it's the latter, then I'd leave items lying out in another room and point him towards that when he starts to pick up ie 'we're still using this but if you want to tidy, there's a pile of papers/clothes/dishes in the kitchen'. You'll quickly see then if it's about tidying or being controlling.

Send him my way, he would soon get fed up of cleaning up after people here!

Seriously he does sound like he need some help because that isn't normal.

The crux of the issue for my DH was stress. Not related to us or our home life, but in other areas of his life, and he felt that he had no control over these things, and the only thing he could control was our home.

This is really insightful. My DP's 'irritating' behaviours like this always ramp up when something is stressing him out elsewhere (new job, trouble at work, new baby, moving house). I don't have the same drive to control that he does so I really struggled to understand what was going on in his head.

The thing that is really draining to me, however, was exactly that - trying to get into his head, understand his motivations, trying to work out coping mechanisms he could use and ways I could help him - just to be confronted with this deadening wall of denial that his behaviour was unusual or in any way problematic. I was doing all this emotional running around he should have been doing to understand and moderate his behaviour, while he continued to just react unthinkingly to however he was feeling at my expense, and feel like he was taking positive and appropriate action. It was totally exhausting and futile. So I have just had to stop.

I think he needs some help.
OCD is a serious mental health issue.
He needs to therapy to find some coping mechanisms.
Would he engage with that?
You can't go on like this.
You'll end up kicking him out and splitting up.
So unless he agrees to sort this out for himself, I'm not sure what more you can do.

OCD is used far too often, it is a disorder which needs a diagnosis. Sounds like he's trying to control his environment, you and the dcs.

I would also look up OCPD as I think "OCD" is sometimes used as shorthand for "controlling" when it's actually a very different thing with specific clinical features. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder described by partner much better than OCD, in that his compulsive behaviours cause him no distress and he has no awareness/acceptance that it is strange/illogical/problematic behaviour.

What would happen if you just took everything out again without saying anything and put it back exactly where it was?

thesearch - why the face about making you a cuppa?

How much does your h do round the house?

Has your h actually been diagnosed with OCD?

Is he controlling in other areas of your relationship? Does he tidy away other stuff that really needs tidying - the garage, the spare room, washing and ironing piles?

If not, if he only tidies what you're actually using, then I'd say he doesn't have OCD but he's being a nasty controlling fucker. And sulky.

Okay we sat down for a talk.

I told him how much it was effected me and I no longer want to live like Thor.

He said he cleans like this because it's like their is all this noise in his head and the only way to settle the noise is to keep moving and cleaning. He seemed quite distressed.

Now I'm even more confused.

Live like this.
Not live like Thor.

So can he never sit down and watch TV or read a book? Does he spend all evening up and cleaning? How does he cope at work?