@thesearch
Not sure really. Various reasons. I do love him in some ways and see much to admire in him (the traits that make him difficult to live with also make him a very capable, organised and high-achieving, dedicated and interesting person - he knows a lot about a lot, highly educated, has had a book published and is working on another proposal, plays and writes music... there are reasons I was and am still attracted to him).
He is the father of my child; a good one in his own way, a bad one in others but in some ways our respective neuroses balance each other out. Together we can give her a lot of time, a lot of love, a good standard of living. On my own I would struggle to do as much. Also I would have to give him full responsibility for her when he had access, which I wouldn't like as I don't trust some of his family.
I want another child, and a sibling for my daughter, and I don't want them to have separate fathers or for my daughter to have a stepfather and feel like an outsider in our family home set up. He also wants another child.
A lot of the things we do want and value are the same - home, family, holidays, savings, we see eye to eye on a lot of what matters.
Much of the damage being done to me is about my response to him, which is exaggerated because of a dificult upbringing.
Finally, my mum committed suicide this summer (it was around summer I was really starting to think I couldn't bear him any more) and he has been sensitive, helpful and kind. He has helped me. I wouldn't have liked to face a life trauma like that on my own. It made me feel like we had a real relationship again. And I also think making big decisions while still processing this trauma isn't wise.
But no, I am not happy with things. They could be better, for me and my daughter. But questing after impossible levels of perfection is exactly what drives me mad about him!