To think my babies are better off with somebody else

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Mum to a toddler and expecting another baby, it's far too late to abort so that ship has sailed. I contemplated terminating in the early days but couldn't bring myself to go through it for personal reasons to do with my beliefs. In hindsight it seems like it would have been the best thing to do but I couldn't have done it at the time.

Children's father is present but the relationship is on rocky ground, he's not abusive unless you count being unfaithful once as emotional abuse, but I wouldn't. For the most part he's ok, a good father and has tried to make things right but in my opinion isn't fully commited to our family.

Living situation is far from ideal, were in a shitty, cold and overpriced box flat with just one bedroom and DP refuses to consider relocating to a cheaper part of the country where we could get a house for less than what we pay here. We'll be over crowded when the baby arrives but aren't eligible for council accom, not that there is any available here. I spend forever cleaning every day and the place still looks cluttered because there's no room for all the shit in here. We live and cook in one room, sleep in another. You couldn't swing a cat in here.

I've been forced into being a SAHM since our toddler was born because childcare where we are is just too expensive and even if we split the cost evenly we'd struggle to pay for anything else.

I spend most of my time sat in the house waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed. I have no motivation and no local friends. I don't know anybody in the area, my anxiety makes it hard for me to get out and meet people. I'm angry and sad a lot of the time.

I've started to feel completely defeatist and can see no way to better my situation as it is, I love my child (and unborn) completely but hand on heart believe they'd be far better off with a family who can give them everything they deserve. I don't personally feel as though I would cope on my own so have stayed in this relationship for the hands on support, but that means me remaining in the situation that is making me miserable.

I burst into tears when my toddler came over to give me a hug. They are so precious and deserve far more than I feel able to give them. I don't want my children to grow up miserable because they have a failure as a mum. I make sure their needs are met and show affection so I'm not neglectful, but love isn't enough is it? I'm not a good enough mum.

I'm on the verge of contacting social services and telling them I can't cope. I haven't told DP because he'll hit the roof at so much of the thought of it, but it's ok for him he hasn't had to make any sacrifices and it's not him stuck in this bloody flat day in day out because he gets to work and socialise. I'm 25 and feel like my life is ruined.

Am I being weak? Somebody talk some sense into me please before I make a call that I can't take back

Being trapped in a flat is no good for you or your toddler day in day out. Get out even if you walk to the closest shop. Build up your confidence so as the weather improves you could try going to the park. Must be really boring for you both

Of course you’re kids are best off with you. You are doing your best.

Your DP sounds like a tool- split the costs evenly for childcare. What, even if he earns more? Most people have shared resources (I didn’t- ex was financially abusive).

Would you be better off leaving ex/him leaving? You’d get tax credits and do it would be easier to go back to work.

Surely 2 adults and 2 kids in a one bedroom must be eligible for council accommodation as it's very overcrowded. No wonder you're feeling low. Could you do some evening work once the baby is a little older?

Can you get a job? Put the kids in nursery? You might be happier at work and I'm sure the kids will have fun at a good nursery.

I could've written this post. Have you met your health visitor yet? Her or our midwife might be able to help. Is there any family near by. Tell your dp you have to move. He's being selfish by keeping you in a small flat when you can afford something better.

Leave. Take the kids and go back to your family.

You can survive on benefits and a part time job. Don't sacrifice yourself to keep your useless partner happy.

Start planning now. Get accommodation sorted then apply for benefits.

If he truly loves you and wants to be a family, he will follow you.

Your children are far far better off with you than going through the care system.

Can you tell your midwife how you feel, she might be able to put you in touch with someone who can help.

Perhaps you need to think about leaving the relationship and moving somewhere where you’ll be happier, I know that wouldn’t be easy but other women have done it and so can you with the right help.

Of course your children need you, not someone else. You are doing a good job. You are a good mum. But you are in a difficult situation and you need help to feel better and like you are coping. Your GP might be a place to start. You could be dealing with something like antenatal depression. You deserve to get some help.

Your children love you. And you love them. Love on its own is a damn good thing. Do you know how many children grow up without it? It sounds like you’re a really good mum. You’re thinking of their happiness far ahead of your own, but YOU are their happiness. You are their safety and their world and of course they would not be better off without you. What I’m hearing is that you need help. First of all, I would be speaking to a doctor to try and get some help with my mental state, whether that’s medication, counselling or a combination. I would be telling my partner what I need from him. And I would make moving a priority. Because it is soul destroying being trapped in a small overcrowded space. It’s like prison and it really messes with your feelings of self worth and your ability to cope. I know, I’ve been there. I would insist on a few hours a week to yourself, where you get out and have a coffee in a cafe or go to a library or meet a friend. Just to remember that you’re 25 and you have a life outside of being a mum. And I would get out with my toddler, definitely. Join any local toddler group. Even if you don’t talk to anyone yet, it gets you out and it gets you in the world again.

Good luck, and remember that the love you have for your kids is the best thing they’ll ever have as they grow. X

What’s your health visitor like? Or your midwife? You need to speak to them.

It does sound really hard and given your circumstances it’s not surprising your feeling the way you do. If you have even a hint of post or pre natal depression it must be so much harder.

You feel your kids deserve more through adult eyes with an adults perspective. they won’t know any different and don’t care.

Im sorry your feeling this way. You sound so sad . You clearly love your babies and they love you. You are their whole world.
Your partner doesn't get to make all the decisions by himself for you all! it's supposed to be a partnership. Tell him exactly how you are feeling and that things need to change and that you want what's best for the whole family and this isn't it.

Can you look at all your options?
Together looking into another job and better home prospects elsewhere? Or if he refuses to consider it is there any family you can move closer too that can help . You need to get it through to him that you are serious. In the meantime can you maybe speak to your midwife about how low you are feeling. Pregnancy hormones will be exasperating things too for you.

I do get out to the local shop but that's about it, I was going to the park and for walks in the warmer months but it's too cold for that at the minute.

With two small children in a one bed technically we should be entitled to help with accommodation once the baby arrives but there just isn't any available to be given, we live in the capital city which explains that.

DP agreed to consider moving away if i kept the baby but changed his mind so I'm now stuck here where we can't afford a good quality of life. I'm from a place where you can have a three bedroom house with a garden for half the price of a one bedroom flat with no garden here, so I'm resentful.

He was the higher earner but only marginally. When I was working my monthly take home was approx £1300 monthly, his is just £1400. Our rent is £1000pm, bills on top, repaying a loan and then living expenses. We'd struggle to find full time childcare for less than £1700 -
£2000 monthly here so it wouldn't work financially. That's just for one child, we'll soon have two.

It's a shit existence and I want better for the kids than to struggle along with a miserable useless mum

It sounds as though you're suffering from depression. Don't make any decisions about your children now - see your GP and health visitor and be honest with them. They will help you.

My midwife is ok, as is the health visitor I had with DS.

Until now I've avoided being upfront about how I'm feeling and lied that I'm ok incase they did the very thing I'm now tempted to do myself, get social services involved. The irony eh.

Do you have anywhere to go with your toddler? Family or friends?

A break from your routine and tlc could do you the world of good. Stuff your dp.

Move. It's all you can do. It's ridiculously expensive where you are - perhaps DO could commute in. There are other places to live that are (a bit) cheaper and will be better for you. Is your toddler 2? You can get the free childcare I believe, your DP is a low earner so I think you'd be entitled.
I'm sorry you're so sad. I will say though, if you call social services they will do everything they can to help you. They're not monsters!
Good luck.
for you

Are there any local toddler groups you could go to? Do you have any friends who could visit during the day for a chat? You sound so lonely and sad and it must be awful stuck at home all day. There is no shame in asking for help but giving up your children seems extreme.

It is rare that a child is better off without mum in it’s life. You can cope alone because thousands of women the world over cope alone with children if that’s what it comes to. You are not useless because life isn’t quite how you imagined it and you struggle to see a way to improve things. I can guarantee you in a room of 50 people, the 49 of them have similar worries and concerns.

Does your DP understand how you feel? Have you talked about it? Does he know you don’t go out?

Go see your GP they can refer you to somewhere that will help you with depression/anxiety. You don't need to keep suffering alone xx

No idea where you are in London but when I visit London with my DC there’s an abundance of completely free activities to do. I’d start off with trying some of those. Also talk to your midwife/health visitor about it, they can really help. Force yourself out of the house every day however hard it may be, walking and fresh air always helps.

The living situation doesn’t sound great, I also think you need to consider moving out of London. £400 left of his wage after rent! Shocking.

Also your babies are infinitely better off with you than in the care system. You’re currently your DD’s world, she just wants you and your love right now.

OP PLEASE talk to somebody in real life. I'm in Ireland so don't know the system in the UK re doctors/ GPs etc.
But I do know you need to talk about how you are feeling to someone. Any family about ?

You are not a failure as a mum if you meet their needs and show affection.

But you are obviously struggling due to your circumstances . That’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s tough being pregnant with a baby you didn’t plan, being a SAHm with a toddler, feeling lonely and isolated. And your partner doesn’t sound very understanding TBH.

I would struggle with that now and I certainly couldn’t have coped at 25.

You need to ask for help because it’s not going to come to you.

Please see your GP and tell her how bad you feel. Ask for for support with your anxiety.

Tell her you don’t want the baby. It’s ok to say this to her, she needs to know how down you feel. Ask if she can refer to you any support group for parents.

Go to your local sports centre and see what things you can do with a toddler, like swimming or toddler gym classes. Maybe they have a crèche. Or a class in the evening you could do while your partner watches your child. He shouldn’t be out socialising leaving you at home with your LO.

Do the same at your local community or family centre. Do you have home start or anything like that nearby ?

Same with the local library.

Local churches often have parent and toddler groups or similar. They are almost always open to people of all faiths and none.

I know the thought of all these things is terrifying but you need to make yourself go and check them out. All these things will be fairly cheap or free.

No one can fix your isolation except you.

Finally, you need to know that no one can force you to keep the baby once it’s born. You and your partner have the option of placing the baby for adoption.

Social services would first check what support you might need to keep baby. Then they investigate Someone one in your extended family could raise the baby. If not, they can place baby with an approved adoptive family.

I hope it doesn’t come to that, for everyone’s sake. But it might help you to know that you do have that choice.

Even if your partner didn’t agree, he can’t force you to do anything. He would have to bring up baby alone.

No one can make you do this if you don’t want to.

You sound like you're doing your best in a tough situation and are panicking due to the imminent arrival of number two.

Can you go and stay with family for a little while to give yourself a break and a bit of support? It might elevate your mood enough to start tackling the challenges you have rather than feeling overwhelmed by them?

Can you make contact with your local Children's Centre? Your HV can help. They have sessions on but also have family support workers who can support you. There have been cuts but some centres are brilliant and at least gets you out the house a bit.

OP why does your dp get the final decision on where you live? It's making you so unhappy and there is a solution to that problem so why is he so important on staying where you are?