To think my babies are better off with somebody else

[Abcdefghii]

Mum to a toddler and expecting another baby, it's far too late to abort so that ship has sailed. I contemplated terminating in the early days but couldn't bring myself to go through it for personal reasons to do with my beliefs. In hindsight it seems like it would have been the best thing to do but I couldn't have done it at the time.

Children's father is present but the relationship is on rocky ground, he's not abusive unless you count being unfaithful once as emotional abuse, but I wouldn't. For the most part he's ok, a good father and has tried to make things right but in my opinion isn't fully commited to our family.

Living situation is far from ideal, were in a shitty, cold and overpriced box flat with just one bedroom and DP refuses to consider relocating to a cheaper part of the country where we could get a house for less than what we pay here. We'll be over crowded when the baby arrives but aren't eligible for council accom, not that there is any available here. I spend forever cleaning every day and the place still looks cluttered because there's no room for all the shit in here. We live and cook in one room, sleep in another. You couldn't swing a cat in here.

I've been forced into being a SAHM since our toddler was born because childcare where we are is just too expensive and even if we split the cost evenly we'd struggle to pay for anything else.

I spend most of my time sat in the house waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed. I have no motivation and no local friends. I don't know anybody in the area, my anxiety makes it hard for me to get out and meet people. I'm angry and sad a lot of the time.

I've started to feel completely defeatist and can see no way to better my situation as it is, I love my child (and unborn) completely but hand on heart believe they'd be far better off with a family who can give them everything they deserve. I don't personally feel as though I would cope on my own so have stayed in this relationship for the hands on support, but that means me remaining in the situation that is making me miserable.

I burst into tears when my toddler came over to give me a hug. They are so precious and deserve far more than I feel able to give them. I don't want my children to grow up miserable because they have a failure as a mum. I make sure their needs are met and show affection so I'm not neglectful, but love isn't enough is it? I'm not a good enough mum.

I'm on the verge of contacting social services and telling them I can't cope. I haven't told DP because he'll hit the roof at so much of the thought of it, but it's ok for him he hasn't had to make any sacrifices and it's not him stuck in this bloody flat day in day out because he gets to work and socialise. I'm 25 and feel like my life is ruined.

Am I being weak? Somebody talk some sense into me please before I make a call that I can't take back

Thank you @happytits2019 that's very kind of you x

I think it's worth going to the council and making them aware you're overcrowded, I thought London councils were very keen to get people to move away so it might help you get a council property somewhere else.

Sounds like you are doing a valiant job in v difficult circumstances. Your children are much, much better off with you. They need love more than anything, trips to parks and playgroups are not essential but might help you feel less stuck. Church halls usually have (cheap) playgroups for mums and tots where you can just pitch up without booking. Hang in there and try to talk to your midwife, they may be able to advise about who/where to ask about council housing or getting support for you while you talk to your partner about moving. Maybe he doesn’t realise how down you are.

OP I met exdp when my ds was 2, when had a ds 5 years later. We were renting a large three bed house, our combined salary at the end was about 55k (40k me) so we had good money. We were saving for a deposit for a house, when we split up.
My health had been declining but took a huge nose dive and on top of physical problem I was diagnosed with a mental issue.
Me and 2 dc (14&18) are now in a 2 bed housing association flat. With I on benefits. Total opposite from where I was on a 40k salary.
Ds14 as a whinge some days- why can’t we have a bigger house, why can’t you get a job like before etc typical teenage whinge.
So I tell him- don’t complain! We have a roof over our heads, we have cupboards full of food, you have a wardrobe full of clothes, we have all the heating we need, you have everything you want.
So I think now and then you need to remind yourself of that. Yes it’s shit that your home is too small and your rent so high. But you have one. You are providing a roof for your ds, providing food, providing warmth, providing toys to play.
So you need to do others have said- get out with your ds- wrap him up warm, look for baby groups, take a walk in the park. Make an appointment with your GP and be honest.
You don’t sound like a mum who wants to give their dc away, you sound like a mum who is depressed. SS won’t just take baby’s away they want to keep families together. So maybe a little support would be helpful.
Does dp’s family have much to do with you all?

Abcdefghii I am a midwife and used to work in London. There is quite a few resources that could be available to you depending on your borough. I would ask your midwife if there is an 'Early Intervention Health Visitor' in your area. These perform the same tasks as normal HVs but they also see you more antenatally and postnatally and have better training in maternal mental health. Everyone I have referred to them has benefited greatly. Social services probably isn't a bad idea...they don't remove children as parents are struggling so please don't let that put you off. They often have services called 'Home Start' which provides a key worker to families to assist for a period of time to get you back on track. They can help with getting you out of the house and applying for other benefits/services. The first phone call/conversation is always the hardest when you are asking for help but it can get better. Best wishes OP.

Hey, I'm also in London in an unfavourable borough! Send me a PM if you fancy a cuppa.

Just a hand hold and assurance that your kids will want to be with you. The fact that you are worrying shows what a good mum you are. You worry cate and try. That’s half the battle. Far more worrying are the mums that focus on their own needs, drugs, alcohol, men etc and not their kids. Try getting out a bit. Take up that offer of coffee from a pp. you can do this 💐

Hi all

Thanks so much for the kindness and offers to meet up in person, I really appreciate that and it'd be great to have a cuppa and natter with other mums.

I've made an appointment with my GP today but it's not until next Friday, I'm sure I'll be ok until then, and I have my midwife appointment shortly after :)

Oh, OP, bless you, you sound so down. You've had some great advice here, I hope your GP can help.

To reiterate what other posters have said, your children won't be better off without you, and you aren't in any way failing. Feeling depressed is a perfectly normal reaction to the circumstances you are living in. I know it must be seem as though there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but this will pass. Your children will get older, you will be able to go back to work, life will get better.

Also, in the short term, it's January, it's horrible, cold, damp and dismal, which makes everything seems much worse. It will soon be spring with warmer weather and longer days - even if you're still in your flat you'll be able to get out and about more.

Yeah I'm really looking forward to the spring, I was always more motivated to get out when I could go for a walk in the park and sit on the grass with a book or mumsnet and actually enjoy the daily walk to the shops without being bloody cold!

I agree the time of year and weather adds to the feeling like crap. I'm due to give birth in April, so the weather should be nice and will spur me on to get out and about with the little ones rather than festering away in here.

I wonder if a Home Start volunteer might be able to support you?
www.home-start.org.uk

To answer a pp's question, no I don't have a couple of months rent in savings at the moment.

I'm not entitled to any benefits at the moment other than the money for my toddler. I did have savings but they're long gone since I became a SAHM.

It sounds like a very difficult situation op, and I sympathise entirely with your feelings. You've had lots of good advice here and I'm pleased you've taken a proactive step to visit your GP.

Your love is far more important to your children than material things - although of course more space and a better financial position would make things much better for you, and there's nothing wrong with you wanting/ needing that for your family.

But you are your children's world, their absolute everything. You can't put a price on that. You sound like a brilliant mum and clearly love and care deeply for them.

You can do this! I’m in a similar situation, tiny one bedroom flat and toddler twins and every day tidying, tidying, tidying but it never seems to improve because there’s so many things that DD and DS need!

I feel stir crazy most days and went through a similar phase where I felt I was failing my lovely little ones, doubted my value in their lives when I can only do what feels to me like the bare minimum for them... it’s a horrible mental state to be in :(

I repeat the following to myself every day “i’m only one person, I can only do so much. Are DD and DS happy? They smile and laugh when we play, they get a bit cranky when mummy is busy, but they’re developing well and they are too young to really understand how little solace we have. They are the most important people in the world to me and whilst I can’t offer much at the moment, I will give them all my love, all the support I can possibly manage and so long as we end the day with smiles and giggles, full tummies and clean clothes (though tantrums will be had of course!) I’ve done the best job I can as their mummy.”

I still have down days, but whilst I’m picking away at getting out of this rut, they brighten every day.

I reached out to Family Support and my Health Visitor, they couldn’t do much to change our circumstances, but just hearing them say “you’re doing a great job with them” at the end of every visit helped loads.

There will be a light at the end of the tunnel, though it may be hard to see now, keep going, it’s not easy, but every time your DC smiles remember - that’s for you, because they love you unconditionally.

Message me if you’d like to chat, please, reach out where you can xx

Little space** autocorrect D:

RE the benefits situation, whilst you’re not entitled to anything now (and that is always worth checking again anyway) if your circumstances change and you are a single parent, your entitlement to benefits could change too. I’d speak to CAB and see what the situation would be if you and the kids were to live up north alone. At least you’ll know what your options are.

That man will grind you down. You need to get away from him ASAP.

You don’t have a real relationship - his actions speak volumes. He’s a shit.

I'm not entitled to any benefits at the moment other than the money for my toddler.

If you were living alone with no job income and rent and childcare to pay, you probably would be entitled to a fair amount.

I once checked an online calculator, and was surprised at what I would get if I lived alone and worked part time.

Im sorry you're feeling so low. could u have pre natal depression?

Ps leave him x you're worth more

I'm not sure what exactly I have to be honest, pre natal / post natal depression or whether I'm just reacting to my environment and circumstances. I've felt low for a while since my toddler was born.

I've made an effort to get out of the flat these past two days though and whilst I still feel like crap it does help to be distracted for a short while. Instead of being couped up indoors I went to see my mum and had a walk round town.

I really appreciate all the kind words and advice here.

Babies due in April, I will look at an online benefits calculator and see what I'd be entitled to as I haven't yet.

Check out your local children's centre. They quite often have sessions on benefits claims and what you could be entitled too. sometimes it's easier to talk it through with a human.