To think my babies are better off with somebody else

[Abcdefghii]

Mum to a toddler and expecting another baby, it's far too late to abort so that ship has sailed. I contemplated terminating in the early days but couldn't bring myself to go through it for personal reasons to do with my beliefs. In hindsight it seems like it would have been the best thing to do but I couldn't have done it at the time.

Children's father is present but the relationship is on rocky ground, he's not abusive unless you count being unfaithful once as emotional abuse, but I wouldn't. For the most part he's ok, a good father and has tried to make things right but in my opinion isn't fully commited to our family.

Living situation is far from ideal, were in a shitty, cold and overpriced box flat with just one bedroom and DP refuses to consider relocating to a cheaper part of the country where we could get a house for less than what we pay here. We'll be over crowded when the baby arrives but aren't eligible for council accom, not that there is any available here. I spend forever cleaning every day and the place still looks cluttered because there's no room for all the shit in here. We live and cook in one room, sleep in another. You couldn't swing a cat in here.

I've been forced into being a SAHM since our toddler was born because childcare where we are is just too expensive and even if we split the cost evenly we'd struggle to pay for anything else.

I spend most of my time sat in the house waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed. I have no motivation and no local friends. I don't know anybody in the area, my anxiety makes it hard for me to get out and meet people. I'm angry and sad a lot of the time.

I've started to feel completely defeatist and can see no way to better my situation as it is, I love my child (and unborn) completely but hand on heart believe they'd be far better off with a family who can give them everything they deserve. I don't personally feel as though I would cope on my own so have stayed in this relationship for the hands on support, but that means me remaining in the situation that is making me miserable.

I burst into tears when my toddler came over to give me a hug. They are so precious and deserve far more than I feel able to give them. I don't want my children to grow up miserable because they have a failure as a mum. I make sure their needs are met and show affection so I'm not neglectful, but love isn't enough is it? I'm not a good enough mum.

I'm on the verge of contacting social services and telling them I can't cope. I haven't told DP because he'll hit the roof at so much of the thought of it, but it's ok for him he hasn't had to make any sacrifices and it's not him stuck in this bloody flat day in day out because he gets to work and socialise. I'm 25 and feel like my life is ruined.

Am I being weak? Somebody talk some sense into me please before I make a call that I can't take back

All your kids really need and want after food and shelter is a mummy who loves them. They have that, they're happy. They don't need a big house or loads of fancy toys (that they wouldn't play with anyway)

You sound very down and I think you should speak to the GP and also makes plans to leave your partner if possible. Get your name on the list for a council house, more space and away from a cheating DP - what's not to like?

Sweetheart, you're depressed. The good thing is, there is treatment that can and will help. Please go and see a GP as soon as you can.

That's something I'm terrified of aswell, developing PND so severe I end up on a psych ward. It doesn't seem too unlikely given how I feel now and the inevitable crash of hormones coming my way when DD comes along and I have sleepless nights to contend with.

He angers me beyond belief that he'd be able to see so clearly how much I'm struggling yet it's not enough for him to give enough of a shit to change anything.

I honestly think the best thing you could do is move. If it is London, it is so expensive and it sounds like you would have the same earning potential elsewhere. Do you have family living in your city or are they elsewhere? Living near them may help.

What is keeping you where you are?

You have a partner issue - where are you family based could you move back hime

My DM is based here in London, she's elderly now and in sheltered accommodation.

She had me and raised me on the other side of the country before moving back here 7 years ago once I was old enough to fend for myself. I came here some years after she did as I was fleeing DV and it was the only place I had any family connections. I then met DP and started our family. I don't have any other family where I come from, but I do have some lovely friends there who I'm still in touch with. It would be difficult for me to go back to my hometown though because I'd be putting myself at risk, and couldn't do that to the children.

I feel a bit trapped here now, because although I can't afford to stay here and give the children a good quality of life, I don't have anywhere specific to relocate to.

Plus DP has grown up here and doesn't want to leave.

Please see your GP.

I struggled with moderate depression for years without asking for help. It was only when I found myself genuinely convinced that I was such a crap mother and person that my adored children would be better being brought up by someone else that I went to see my GP.

And my God, I’m glad I did. After a few months on Citalopram I was a new person. The desire to hide away, the lack of enthusiasm for anything, the shame that I was such an inadequate person, the constant worry that I was damaging my children - it all evaporated. I didn’t have a better house, or more money or even a job but the pills seemed to make that not matter as all the negative thoughts weren’t there any more and I had more energy and desire to start taking positive action.

Within a year, I was retraining for a well paid career and life had a point again. 20 years later, my kids still don’t know how low things got then. Anti Ds aren’t a miracle cure for depression by any means and I still need to watch for the signs and take action but they can give you a step up out of a hole when there’s no other way out .

Please see your GP.

I've been close to calling my GP surgery a few times but what always stopped me was the worry that by admitting I'm struggling, a red flag would be raised and I'd be referred to SS and lose the kids.

Now I've reached the point of believing they'd be better off with somebody else I'm not so scared of that involvement because I've convinced myself it would be better for them anyway.

I've just blurted all this out to DP who looks a bit shell shocked and I'm embarrassed. I don't know why he's surprised, it's nothing I haven't said before bar the fact I think the children would be better off elsewhere.

He now thinks I'm going to run off and abandon them.

He's not saying anything now and I feel like I've made a fool of myself. I hate feeling like this, I can only guess what he must be thinking of me

You absolutely need to go to your GP and get help for the prenatal depression you have. SS won't give a shit apart from potentially offering support to you and your family and hopefully it will give you DP a kick up the arse.

The problem here isn't that you aren't good enough but that those around you aren't good enough to give you the support that you need. You ARE enough and your toddler loves you.

Don't do anything rash yet. Get support for your MH and you'll be stronger to make the changes that you need to for your family.

I'm going to try and force myself to get a GP appointment.

I don't think I've been quite right since I had my toddler, in fact i barely remember his early days. I've felt like crap for a while.

That's partly why I'm so nervous about the impending birth of our second, because I know I've already got some issues I need to address and I'm scared of how much worse they'll become with another newborn and sleepless nights in the mix.

If only I'd sought help sooner I could have avoided feeling as low as I do now.

You are good enough. It’s just that the negative thoughts about yourself that are characteristic of depression are overwhelming you just now and making that impossible for you to believe. Please see your GP tomorrow.

Go and see your GP and get some extra support lined up from your hv.
Everyone else is right when they say you are all your children need.

From personal experience of difficult living conditions, I say move with or without your partner. It won’t be possible to move immediately but start the process, decide what you need, which areas you could move to, how to fund the move etc.

From the conversation I've had with DP tonight I've established he definitely doesn't want to move. He wants us to stay put here despite the stress it's causing but said he'll take on the children if my MH reaches crisis point or if I "go off for a bit to get my head straight"

I never said I was going to jump ship and abandon the children to him, I said I was scared that I'm not a good enough parent and the way I'm feeling makes me believe they'd be better off without me.

I think it speaks volumes about his commitment to me that he'd rather watch my MH deteriorate than get on board with moving somewhere we can actually afford to bloody live. What I've taken from that is "it doesn't matter how you feel, the kids will be alright because I'll look after them"

He couldn't even have them full time by himself anyway if he keeps his current job which he needs to pay the rent. He works an incredibly gruelling amount of night shifts constantly and barely gets ample sleep as it is

It sounds like he doesn't care about you and thinks of you as a live in housekeeper/nanny.

What reason does he have for you to not move to a more affordable part of London or its outskirts? It's not like he cannot easily get to any part of London and do his hobby.

I'd seriously think about taking your kid and leaving him. It can't be good for your child(ten) to grow up in a tiny box and knowing that they are second best to a hobby.

That's how I feel, like a housekeeper.

I've worked continually since I left school and was fiercely independent, now I'm stuck at home doing nothing but childcare and cooking.

We're already living in an undesirable area of London so moving to another Burrough in the city won't save much (if any) money, everything in this part of the country seems to be ridiculously expensive. Even childcare on the outskirts is through the roof.

We aren't niche professionals who need to be here to earn money, we could find work within our skill sets anywhere. It wouldn't be worth him commuting for his current job, he could very easily get a new one.

Personally I would like to move much further up north where everything is a fraction of the price it is here.

Less pollution, cheaper living, less crime etc.

Two school age children have been stabbed unnervingly close to where we live recently, that's not including adult stabbings, other gang activity and associated crime. I hate it.

Fwiw he claims to hate his job and only stays there so he can afford the rent for this flat. Go figure

I'm so angry on your behalf after your last updates. Your partner is one the most selfish I've heard about in all my time on MN. I'm really not sure what's wrong with him but please, PLEASE, realise that it's not you who is failing your children: it's him. He is failing them, and he is failing you.

It doesn't seem like there's anything on earth that will make him grow up, take responsibility for his family and do the right thing. If he would rather see your children go without their mother and watch his partner's MH completely collapse than move out of London (which, by the way, is what thousands of us have done before when we realised we couldn't afford to raise children there - you're hardly suggesting something radical) then he simply hasn't got what it takes to raise a family. He is not a good partner, he is not a good father and he doesn't sound like a good person at all.

Unfortunately that rather puts the onus into you to take charge of the situation. It's not right and it's not fair, but he isn't going to step up.

First things first, you really do need to speak to your GP and HV. They can help. You need to address your MH as your first priority. As you've said yourself, the risk of PND is very real and you need to start accessing support now rather than waiting for things to get worse. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help and nobody is going to swoop in and take your children. Contrary to what you said in your OP, love goes a LONG way towards successfully raising a child, and it's clear that you love them immensely.

The second thing to address is your relationship and living arrangements. You know that your current situation is untenable. It will be insanely scary to start again alone, in a new area, but the alternative is to stay exactly as you are, experiencing this misery forever, and surely that is worse?

You will be able to put your DD in nursery in a funded place when she is 2. I know that sounds like an eternity away right now, but it's not. That is your light at the end of the tunnel. Fast forward to then: you could be living in a comfortable, safe place with your two beautiful children, in paid employment whilst your children enjoy themselves at nursery, building a wonderful, happy life together, free of this toxic relationship where your basic needs and those of your children (for you to be healthy and for your children to have their mum) are disregarded and jeopardised.

You are clearly an intelligent woman and a mother who loves her children fiercely. That is obvious from your posts. You can do this. You absolutely can. There are lots of people on MN who can offer sound advice about benefits, tax credits, social housing and the like. Once you have found your resolve (not easy, I know), it's a matter of taking practical steps. There is support available. You could try talking to CAB as well, they may be able to assist with some information on the practical side of things.

"This too shall pass"

I think I'd be balancing whether the help he's providing is worth the hassle or would moving be better and if I'm perfectly honest, I'd be mercenary enough to stick around for a bit longer to get over the worst part of the baby bit and then move out.

About your anxiety, prenatal anxiety is definitely a real, under diagnosed thing so that may be something you'd like to look into.

I really appreciate the support and advice, thank you so much.

I've been wondering myself whether the relationship is worth hanging on to and I fear it's probably not. If/When I get out of the slump I'm in with my MH I know I'll look back at this period and be incredibly angry at him for not putting us first at a time when I need him the most.

It's absolutely true that me being emotionally well is paramount to meeting the children's basic needs.

Since I've had to come out of work I've been telling myself were lucky to have him as he works so hard to keep a roof over our heads. The reality is he works hard to enable him to be where he wants to be, it's not about me and the children because he knows that being stuck here in this flat is counter productive for us. It's all about him.

I'd like to contribute financially and regain some independence, I can't afford to do that here so I've become reliant on him when I promised myself I'd never depend on a man.

Without wanting to throw labels around I've began to question whether his thought processes are different to the majority of people, because surely most people would realise in this situation that staying where we are with declining MH, no space, q toddler and an imminent newborn isn't at all tenable. His ignorance and stubbornness on the topic is mind boggling and infuriating on a level I cannot grasp.

Then I wonder whether I'm looking too far into it when perhaps the answer is really much simpler, he doesn't care enough for me (and the children) to sacrifice his current comfort zone in favour of us having a better life.

If you are in London please message me.
I live in London and always up for a coffee or a shoulder of you need one ❤️

Honestly, just move.
Kids are a brilliant tool to meet new people. You will be inundated with baby group mums and the like.
Choose somewhere northern, take toddler and some stuff and go, if he loves you he will follow surely? Have you got a couple of months rent money?
When is baby due?