To think my babies are better off with somebody else

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Mum to a toddler and expecting another baby, it's far too late to abort so that ship has sailed. I contemplated terminating in the early days but couldn't bring myself to go through it for personal reasons to do with my beliefs. In hindsight it seems like it would have been the best thing to do but I couldn't have done it at the time.

Children's father is present but the relationship is on rocky ground, he's not abusive unless you count being unfaithful once as emotional abuse, but I wouldn't. For the most part he's ok, a good father and has tried to make things right but in my opinion isn't fully commited to our family.

Living situation is far from ideal, were in a shitty, cold and overpriced box flat with just one bedroom and DP refuses to consider relocating to a cheaper part of the country where we could get a house for less than what we pay here. We'll be over crowded when the baby arrives but aren't eligible for council accom, not that there is any available here. I spend forever cleaning every day and the place still looks cluttered because there's no room for all the shit in here. We live and cook in one room, sleep in another. You couldn't swing a cat in here.

I've been forced into being a SAHM since our toddler was born because childcare where we are is just too expensive and even if we split the cost evenly we'd struggle to pay for anything else.

I spend most of my time sat in the house waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed. I have no motivation and no local friends. I don't know anybody in the area, my anxiety makes it hard for me to get out and meet people. I'm angry and sad a lot of the time.

I've started to feel completely defeatist and can see no way to better my situation as it is, I love my child (and unborn) completely but hand on heart believe they'd be far better off with a family who can give them everything they deserve. I don't personally feel as though I would cope on my own so have stayed in this relationship for the hands on support, but that means me remaining in the situation that is making me miserable.

I burst into tears when my toddler came over to give me a hug. They are so precious and deserve far more than I feel able to give them. I don't want my children to grow up miserable because they have a failure as a mum. I make sure their needs are met and show affection so I'm not neglectful, but love isn't enough is it? I'm not a good enough mum.

I'm on the verge of contacting social services and telling them I can't cope. I haven't told DP because he'll hit the roof at so much of the thought of it, but it's ok for him he hasn't had to make any sacrifices and it's not him stuck in this bloody flat day in day out because he gets to work and socialise. I'm 25 and feel like my life is ruined.

Am I being weak? Somebody talk some sense into me please before I make a call that I can't take back

Have you got support where you are from, & more available housing?

It's obviously really unfair he's now said he won't move I would at least look into it a little bit.

You are clearly a bright person who has worked out that living in London on low wages with kids just doesn't work. Can you go back to your parents to have the baby and regroup?

I haven't done anything to help myself in terms of being isolated, since my mental health has began to struggle I've just shut myself away. I could have made more of an effort to go to mum groups but it's spiralled to the point I feel so shit I can't muster up the courage to actually get up and go.

I self referred for CBT mid last year and finally got a place in a group which ran four sessions, over the span of a month. I could only get to the first one as DP happened to be off work that day, I had to throw the towel in after the one session as there was nobody to have the little one.

I feel like a monster for saying I don't want my unborn baby, because in my heart of hearts I do want her, but above that I want what's best for her and I don't think that's me in these circumstances.

When I look at other peoples lives with their children they seem so much better than what I have to offer.

I feel like I'm failing my toddler because he's stuck indoors all day and there's only so much reading and playing we can do. I have cabin fever so I know he must have. I wish I could face the prospect of dragging myself to a museum or some baby classes, but my MH makes it feel like an uphill battle. Money is so tight living where we live that it's not as though I could even afford to take him to soft play regularly as that costs £10 a time, plus snacks. That cost will double once DD arrives.

I've cried to DP on a weekly basis and he has seen how low I've gotten. I've outright told him that it's reaching crisis point but he refuses to even consider us starting afresh somewhere else where we can actually house the children appropriately. It's gotten to the point where I'm questioning whether it's even right to bring the baby home under these circumstances.

I'm dreading what life will be like when the baby comes as we're cramped enough as it is. I cook all of our meals 3 feet away from the sofa, it's such a small space and there's no way we can have two little ones running around in here.

DS blistered his hand a few months ago because he touched the oven as I was cooking. We cook, eat, play and watch tv all in one room. It's ridiculous. I would go as far as to say this place is a health and safety hazard for young children to be confined to.

I have some friends I could visit out of the area but it would be a big fuss taking DS all the way there especially with me being so far along in my pregnancy.

I've got a midwife appointment in a fortnight and I'm going to be straight with her about how I'm feeling instead of hiding it.

Thank you for the support I'm in tears reading these comments x

Please talk to your midwife, I hear you and I have felt very very similar, some of your phrases I have said to myself, word for word.
Hand on heart you are best mother for your children and it sounds like you are doing a damn fine job of it already.

Oh OP you are suffering just now. But you sound like a lovely mum.

Have not experienced all that you have, but have been through some challenging times living 4 of us in one room when kids were small. They just needed us there though. The external environment didn't mean much to them.

Please see your GP or health visitor. Agree with PP that it'd be worth discussing how you are feeling as it sounds like you might be depressed. There is help available, please seek it out.

X post, sorry!

Midwife here. This is incredibly common, you are definitely not alone and your children are definitely better with you. However you do need to seek help. I’d actually try your HV and G.P. first as your midwife will refer you to them anyway though of course do talk to her as well.

Your G.P. May be able to refer you for more talking therapy and something you can actually utilise- maybe online it phone? Anti depressants can safely be prescribed in pregnancy if needed.

Your HV might have several options depending on resources in your area. Sure start centres often have provision for families in similar situations and you will be considered strong and sensible for seeking their help. They might also be able to recommend suitable groups to take your toddler to and help you access nursery hours.

Just getting it out there is so important. Being heard and understood even if nobody can solve your housing problems which are obviously a massive issue.

Make calls tomorrow and if you can, get up, showered and decently dressed and get outside with your child and make some human connections even if they are small. Try to talk to your DP as well.

Best wishes.

My only parent lives here themselves but in sheltered accommodation so I couldn't stay with them, as lovely as they are they aren't suitable to be relied upon for support.

Coincidentally the reason DP has given for not wanting to move is because he claims he'd feel isolated as his family live here, and he'd have to give up his hobby group with his friends. Apparently joining a new group elsewhere is an unreasonable request for me to suggest because he'd rather not 'start again' and living here is all he knows.

Zero shits given from him about the fact I'm isolated myself and he's perfectly happy to spend his entire wage renting a flat that is far too small for our family, just so he isn't inconvenienced by moving.

I suspect there's something not quite usual about his thought process, or perhaps he just doesn't love us enough to want us to have a normal happy life.

Why are there people in the thread saying leave before even speaking to partner? Absolutely ridiculous how sick people are encouraging the break up of families.

Tell your partner how you feel and go from there.

GPs, midwives and health visitors have been told to take mental health issues in pregnancy seriously. If you cannot see a health visitor and don't have a midwife appointment coming up then please make an on the day appointment with your GP tomorrow. Yes drag your toddler with you. You need urgent help.

Your children will not be put in care if you tell a medical professional your feelings simply because their father can look after them if you are ill. Fathers are expected to pull their weight when it comes to looking after their children now, however young the children are.

If you partner refuses to move and works regular hours/days then once your new baby is 6 months look for a part-time job in the evenings/night or days when he's not working. Only tell your partner once you get the job. A few weeks of looking after your (plural) children solely on his own will either make him want to move or at least realise what you are going through.

The only way lots of parents with children manage in London and have done so for decades, is by working at different times. This means one parent - normally the woman but not always - works at night while the other works in the day. Parents have done this since I was a child in the 1980s.

The more crazy situations are when couples do the same job but both work shifts. They get their employer to schedule them at different times so can do handover of looking after their children.

What do you think he would do if you presented him with an ultimatum?

He knows how I'm feeling millennial, he knows it very well.

I've broke down to him many times, he nods sympathetically but doesn't do/or feel able to do anything to help me.

He thinks if we present ourselves to the council when DD is born we will be given a council house and just like that everything will be ok. He's deluded, and why should we have to rely on the council to house us when we're perfectly able to house ourselves.. elsewhere.

In terms of my declining mental health I just don't think he gets it.

I've issued ultimatums before and his stance is simply "I'm not moving"

I end up backing down because I'm scared of going off and being by myself whilst I'm struggling like this.

He's got me over a barrel and he knows it.

Sounds really shit, but take heart that the problem isn't you, it's your circumstances. Your babies are loved and you'll get through this.

In your position i would seriously consider leaving the man and forging ahead on your own.

How old is the toddler? He might be eligible for free nursery hours soon. I would look into this.

I would also look at an online calculator and see how much you would get in benefits if you moved on your own to a cheaper place. I'd pick where I would go, find out rents, and put all that info into the calculator.

I would beg/borrow some money from family for the deposit on the rental and to move to the cheaper city until benefits kick in (I'm assuming you have no savings due to the ridiculous high rents).

If you do your research, you'll know your options. Decide what good looks like and make a plan to get there. Hard when you're depressed, but it might just be the boost you need to see your way out of this.

You might find that you can live in a cheaper city, get enough in benefit income to support you and your children, and get some nursery hours for the toddler. When your unborn is old enough, they too can go to nursery and you can go back to work if that's what you want to do.

Maybe someone will be along who knows the system and advice services that might be available to you.

Sorry OP bold fail. It is will not

I mean what I say by making your DP look after his own children on his own. I have a number of brothers, family friends and neighbours who have done it for their now adult children. In some cases they were told this is how it was going to be, while in others they realised their wives health was important and that it would allow them to bond with their children.

In regards to your DP's hobbies - if he wants to do them then he needs to move area. You don't have enough money for him to waste it on his bloody hobbies and not look after his own children.

I have been in a similar situation, the only difference was that although the flat we were in was small and inadequate, it was a 2 bed, my hv took one look at it when I was pregnant with my second and said this isn't big enough and wrote a letter to housing for me.
First things first, talk to either you hv, midwife or doctor and get some help, it sounds to me like you are depressed, then you need to tell your partner you are moving somewhere better with or without him, get you hv to tell him that you living arrangements are not good enough and you need more space. Also they and find some baby groups local to you and go, the one I go to literally saved my sanity. I suffer from anxiety too and there were some days I had to force myself to go, to the point I was physically shaking when I got there, but both my DC loved going and once I was there and saw how happy they were playing I calmed, I made it a routine to go every week and now I just go without thinking about it.
You children need you. I know you feel shit and like you can't get out of the situation you are in, with another little one on the way, I know you also feel like time is short, but it isn't, take everything a day at a time, hold on to your little one (ones when your baby arrives), look at there smiling faces when they look at you and savour every hug.

Do you have a children’s centre locally? They can be a real life line and are totally free... they run all sorts of classes and have a lot of support for parents, if needed.

There's always a mythical family our kids would be better off with (rich, infinite patience, great social skills etc). The fact is your kids have everything they need; food and drink, shelter, love and safety. They're fine. It does sound like you need more support though. Could you sit your self some goals in terms of getting out of the house. E.g. one playgroup and one trip to the park a week. Then build it up slowly?

The issue is mainly with your depression, which you need to seek help from your GP with.
All the things your children need from you are free, and you will be able to give those once you are feeling happier.
(Read books together, sing together, tell each other stories, draw and paint together, play hide and seek, it's rarely too cold for children to be outside in the UK if they have outdoor clothing) ..the list of things you can give your children on a low budget is as limitless as your imagination... work on being happier first and imagination will flow.

feel like I'm failing my toddler because he's stuck indoors all day and there's only so much reading and playing we can do. I have cabin fever so I know he must have.

In the very gentlest way possible, you are right. Not that you are failing him but you recognise that this isn’t a healthy environment for either of you. Sometimes you have to dig yourself out of the hole yourself. You have to find the strength for yours and your children’s sake.

Please sit down and make a weekly plan. Find out when all the local groups are on and draw up a weekly calendar so that you know the times and days everything happens at a glance...your target is to try, on a day you feel semi strong, to get to one club at first. Make a list of all the free things you can do (weather dependant. You MUST get out of that flat more. Honestly that is the first step. You won’t have the strength for anything else until you try to make a small change.

Ultimately I would say you need to leave and move back to the cheaper place but that will be a stretch for you right now. I can’t believe that your partner won’t take any notice of your mental health.

It’s January. The worst time of year. The weather won’t stay cold forever and your children won’t be little forever. You can make some small changes for now. Wishing you all the best

Op there's some really good advice on here. Long term get some plans in place whether it's back to work for your sanity rather than finances, education, distant learning ect. Short term find comfort in routine, activity with child in morning, afternoon local walk. You've hit a real low and it's a chance to learn something about yourself x

My toddler is just one, so barely out of the baby stage. I was counting down the time he turns two so he could get some free nursery hours and look for a part time job, and then discovered I was pregnant again and I'm set back again. I absolutely was using contraception for what it's worth.

I have just enough optimism left to be relatively sure I'd be ok if my circumstances were different. I don't doubt my ability to be a good enough mum under normal circumstances, just not these ones.

My self esteem has been shot to shit over the past 24 months. What does it say about me if I can't even provide children with adequate housing without moving a considerable distance away?

I feel like a lazy slob of a person at the moment, a far cry from the hard-working, happy and active person I was before.

Please ring your midwife or health visitor. They absolutely will not ring social services. Not that in most cases social services are really anything to be scared of. Your Midwife or HV will support you and try to help, you do sound depressed and a lot of it sounds like it’s caused by your situation. I was once there and really really wish I had spoken out before second baby was born.