Friends that waste your time.

[FirstTimeMum347]

I’m a first time mum and I’m trying my best. Trying my best to make sure my baby is happy, make sure she’s fed and warm and is being brought up in a clean and happy home. Trying to balance all this takes up every hour of my day and I love it. I love being a mum, I love having a purpose. Someone to look after, someone that needs me. It’s lovely being needed. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. So I feel like I owe it to my baby to make sure she’s got the best mum I can be. Physically and mentally, she’s what motivates me. So while I’m trying to be the best mum I can be, making sure my house is tidy and I’m not shoving junk food in my mouth, along with trying to still have quality time with my partner and just getting used to being a little family of three, it takes up all my time. I know people may think that I’m on maternity ‘she must be bored’ I’m not. My days are filled with baby swim classes, walks around the park, health visitor appointments, housework, tea times, bath times then bedtime routines. So my time is precious to me. I don’t have time for the same things I used to. So I don’t appreciate it when I’ve made plans with friends and I’ve made sure I’ve gotten up early, house is fairly tidy, everything is ready for her coming over for breakfast and then my friend shows up two hours late. I’m starving, not sure as to whether I should go ahead and eat myself as she won’t answer any calls or texts. When she does finally show and I challenge her on her time keeping, I get “I do have 4 kids you know!!”. Which I totally understand but because she has four children and I only have one, does that mean that my time isn’t as precious as hers? Before I had my DD (only 8 weeks ago) she would always use the excuse “I do have kids you know” to why she would show up late to other events. But now I have a child of my own she uses the amount of kids as her excuse to being late and wasting my time. Is it really alright to show up two hours late to someone’s house then expect them to cook your breakfast? 9am is early to meet with friends but when it was her that suggested the time, I didn’t think it would be an issue. This is not the first time this friend has been ridiculously late then showing up with no apology. But I feel like it’s the straw that broke the camels back for me. It’s not just my time she’s wasting now, its my child’s. Her time keeping totally ruined our plans for that day and I have no intentions of making any arrangements to see her anytime soon. My partner thinks I’m being too cut throat, as he worried that being on maternity leave that I will become lonely and that will lead to baby blues. But I’d much rather spend the day with my baby than people that take the piss. I just don’t feel like I have time for the friends that I did before. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Could all this still be the pregnancy hormones leaving me? As much as I don’t want to be friendless, I just feel that I don’t have time for the friends that I used to. Is that normal?

I’m going to let the first half of the op slide and assume it was just to show that you’re not just sat around twiddling your thumbs and you actually have stuff to get on with.
It’s annoying when people are consistently late. But she won’t change. I have a friend like this and I am always very late myself when I meet her now. Still haven’t managed to be later than her but it’s much less waiting around. I managed to arrive at the same time as her once - 2 hrs after we’d arranged to meet.
If you want to keep the friendship going then I advise you don’t arrange any meetings where you will just be clockwarching until she arrives. Maybe meet at the park with the kids so if she’s late at least you can be having a nice time with your lo while you wait.

I agree with @ZoeZebra1 - you have just articulated exactly how I felt through having my first. Scared ALL the time.

OP, your friend was very rude to be 2 hours late and not even text so for that YANBU. However, just stop and breathe - you will need a support system around you, it may not be this friend but don't get rid of all your friends because you don't have the time trying to be a perfect mother. Motherhood can be a lonely experience at times and you will need people.

Congratulations on your baby

I have 2 kids and 1 in the way plus a job and 1 of my children has complex additional needs. I would never be that late actually am rarely late at all. I just get up earlier to ensure I am places on time. Her kids are being used as an excuse.

@FirstTimeMum347 did your friend bring her 4 kids with her.Or did she just turn up on her own.

I once waited an hour and a half for a friend to show up when we'd already made plans. Another best friend an hour.

I don't speak to either now.

My fave Grey's anatomy quote: "if you want crappy things to stop happening to you, stop accepting and demand something more."

Next time she says "I do have 4 kids, you know" tell her "Yes, you thought she'd be more used to everything by now".
Excellent answer.
If she knew she was expected at 9 and turned up at 11, that is not on. Don't invite her over again.
If you have a bad night or your child is sick or you just can't face coming out after all... you should call and re-arrange.
Especially as mums of small babies are all about routine and agree times that will suit them!
11 am for us was morning nap time I wouldn't have appreciated a late visitor then.

It's not the newborn's time who was wasted

That's my point though, the OP is so out of touch with reality that she actually said in her post that her baby's time was being wasted by her friend being late.

Interesting how it's horrible for me to make a joke about the OP being obsessed with being a perfect parent yet it's absolutely fine for you to call me pathetic, bitchy and an idiot that's quite hypocritical of you.

'It’s not just my time she’s wasting now, its my child’s'

Well quite, you're 8 week old surely has something to say about this 'time waster' too I bet!!

t's horrible for me to make a joke about the OP being obsessed with being a perfect parent yet it's absolutely fine for you to call me pathetic, bitchy and an idiot

the difference is that you attack the OP about a post about herself, and I am replying to your bitchy comments. The OP was not addressing you, you were rude to her, and your following explanations were stupid. HTH.

When my eldest was young, I used to go out with a friend about 3 times a week but she was forever late which drove me round the bend - there was always a massive drama (he wouldn't let me put his socks on/put nail varnish all over tv etc etc) ... I got really sick of it but the problem is her son is now 19 and she's always been late for everything and continues to do so, with different excuses. Either let it lie if you want to remain friends, or speak up and tell her she's upsetting you if you don't - it's not right, I agree with you, but some people áre just like this (selfish) ... enjoy your baby

Experience has proven that all the arrogant idiots who mock "PFB mums" and think they know everything know nothing at all. Having 1 or 2 more kids than a first time mum doesn't make the expert you think you are. And I had 4 myself... I still have more respect for the so-called PFB mums than the haters who enjoy putting them down.

Give it another few weeks and you will realise what motherhood/maternity leave is really like. Enjoy this stage while you can because before you know it you are going to be the friend that is late because of their child and that lovely clean house you have hours on end to clean is going to look like you have been burgled every day!!

the difference is that you attack the OP about a post about herself, and I am replying to your bitchy comments.

I'm attacking, yet you're only replying? Even though what you said was far ruder? What is this straw man argument about the OP not addressing me therefore what I said was rude? She made a post on a public forum, she was addressing everyone!

I don't think that I know everything and more than PFB mums, I think her incredibly long backstory, which had no relevance to the situation and came off as one of those PFB mums that try to shoehorn how devoted they are to their precious baby into every conversation, was ridiculous.

Well, it's all moot now anyway. OP hasn't come back, and is unlikely to.

I do agree with the general consensus though. Friend is always going to be late, so don't make plans where that will be an issue, OP should try to make time for her other friends and outside interests, PFB, there's no such thing as the perfect mum, and the baby's time wasn't wasted.

Do people really take their eight week old to classes? Misses the point entirely. DS is 7 months old and we've never been to one. Whoops.

If I had an 8 week old baby and I had a moment to myself there would be no way I'd delay eating breakfast.

You do sound immersed in motherhood - I'm sure it's biology/protection of the species etc. It'll wear off so enjoy it now.

By all means give your friend a bollocking. If she recognises two hours late was bloody ridiculous and apologises then I think you should call it quits and try again. But if she continues to behave that way then you can safely ditch her.

Just don't burn all your boats, the baby madness does end and having friends from all stages in your life (if they are nice friends) is invaluable.

(I had a friend comment that the number of pictures of my PFB resembled a shrine so I'm not criticising).

Yes OP sounds very earnest but so are lots of people after having their first child - let it go. With four kids yes things are more likely to come up and mean you can't get out the door on time, or at all (e.g. child sick, someone hit their head and has to see the doctor). On the other hand showing up two hours late on a regular basis is ridiculous - sounds like she's not even trying. If you value the friendship you'll just have to accept she won't change and only agree to see her on days you don't mind stopping in. After an hour eat the food you've made she can heat hers up later if she shows up and is hungry.

Do people really take their eight week old to classes?
if it make them feel better and give them a reason to get out of the house, why not. Anything that helps a new mother feel better and not isolated should be encouraged.

YANBU, she could easily call and should be hugely apologetic rather than confrontational when she finally gets there.

Do people really take their eight week old to classes?
Probably more for the mothers than the baby

self-licking ice cream cone , must use that one @tacolover. For what it is worth, you didn't really say anything wrong. Some people need to take a chill pill.

Aside from all the extraneous information. 2 hours late, is way too much and YANBU on that front OP. Half an hour, I'd get over it but maybe she knows you are at home, that maybe because baby is just 8 weeks old, you don't have a strict schedule to adhere to, that you could kind of go with the flow? It would still annoy me though.

Does anyone else find it ironic that since the OP never returned to the thread she ended up wasting a lot of people's time here? 🤔

Carefully thought out responses don't write themselves and now not only has the time of everyone on this thread been wasted BUT my 9 month old PFB daughter's time as well. That's time I could have spent being the perfect Mum to her that I'll NEVER get back.

You want friends strictly on your own terms, albeit so you can put your child first. Meanwhile everyone else has to put YOU first. Sorry, you wouldn’t remain a friend of mine. I’d wish you and your baby luck and leave you to it.