Friends that waste your time.

[FirstTimeMum347]

I’m a first time mum and I’m trying my best. Trying my best to make sure my baby is happy, make sure she’s fed and warm and is being brought up in a clean and happy home. Trying to balance all this takes up every hour of my day and I love it. I love being a mum, I love having a purpose. Someone to look after, someone that needs me. It’s lovely being needed. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. So I feel like I owe it to my baby to make sure she’s got the best mum I can be. Physically and mentally, she’s what motivates me. So while I’m trying to be the best mum I can be, making sure my house is tidy and I’m not shoving junk food in my mouth, along with trying to still have quality time with my partner and just getting used to being a little family of three, it takes up all my time. I know people may think that I’m on maternity ‘she must be bored’ I’m not. My days are filled with baby swim classes, walks around the park, health visitor appointments, housework, tea times, bath times then bedtime routines. So my time is precious to me. I don’t have time for the same things I used to. So I don’t appreciate it when I’ve made plans with friends and I’ve made sure I’ve gotten up early, house is fairly tidy, everything is ready for her coming over for breakfast and then my friend shows up two hours late. I’m starving, not sure as to whether I should go ahead and eat myself as she won’t answer any calls or texts. When she does finally show and I challenge her on her time keeping, I get “I do have 4 kids you know!!”. Which I totally understand but because she has four children and I only have one, does that mean that my time isn’t as precious as hers? Before I had my DD (only 8 weeks ago) she would always use the excuse “I do have kids you know” to why she would show up late to other events. But now I have a child of my own she uses the amount of kids as her excuse to being late and wasting my time. Is it really alright to show up two hours late to someone’s house then expect them to cook your breakfast? 9am is early to meet with friends but when it was her that suggested the time, I didn’t think it would be an issue. This is not the first time this friend has been ridiculously late then showing up with no apology. But I feel like it’s the straw that broke the camels back for me. It’s not just my time she’s wasting now, its my child’s. Her time keeping totally ruined our plans for that day and I have no intentions of making any arrangements to see her anytime soon. My partner thinks I’m being too cut throat, as he worried that being on maternity leave that I will become lonely and that will lead to baby blues. But I’d much rather spend the day with my baby than people that take the piss. I just don’t feel like I have time for the friends that I did before. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Could all this still be the pregnancy hormones leaving me? As much as I don’t want to be friendless, I just feel that I don’t have time for the friends that I used to. Is that normal?

Are you feeling very anxious and under pressure to be the perfect mum?Your post sounds that way. You don't have to be the perfect parent- there isn't even any such thing.

that just makes you sound like a self-licking ice cream cone

Ah I'm stealing that

Sounds like 2 issues to me.
Being so late is disrespectful. No argument there.
I worry that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be the perfect mum and do everything perfectly for your DC. I'm a little concerned that this may move into PND type issues. Do you discuss this with your MW/HV? Nothing wrong with high standards, but I worry how you might deal with not hitting them sometimes?
Most of us have had some PFB moments, but you set my spidey senses tingling, OP. I sincerely hope I have sensed you wrongly. 'Good enough' is fine, y'know.
Congrats on your new arrival, BTW!

I hate lateness - but I'm not sure why the long speech about you and your child was needed. I don't have children and I am frequently get treated like this by friends who do - just because I don't have children I am still busy and my time is still precious so that's not worse for you because you have a baby - it's just bad manners generally.

This made me laugh gamer. It’s true!

It really is. My first was a dream, my second was akin to the Tasmanian devil!

Aside from the cringey pfb speech that has nothing to do with the issue - people have shit going on and having children doesn't make someone's time more important than anyone else's - your friend is rude to be so late with no warning.

Being late is rude, it takes 20 seconds to text.

In my experience the people who are always late because:
a) they have a baby
b) once you have a baby they have two children, don't you know!
c) if you have two, "but we have three!"
are the same people that were late for everything before they had any children. They'll still struggle to get anywhere on time when the youngest is 15.

That said, I'd cut some slack with babies and toddlers in particular, but two hours is ridiculous. For the worst offenders, we'll meet you somewhere we were going anyway (park, zoo) text me when you get there and we'll find each other. They you can just get on with your life unimpeded. Even if they never show at all.

Imo your friend should be grateful you invited all of her dc. My friend always quizzed how many I had with me if I suggested calling in....
I had 4 close together. She had 2 dc (demon children).
Lateness isn't justified however many you have (allow a small window but not 2 hours!).
Soft play next time. You get to chill and she will be kept busy!!

I had my answer to you before I even read someone else's. You sound like hard work. Your days sound like a nightmare and you need to relax and enjoy the moments more. You are welcome

She was very rude to not let you know.

But also EVERYONE's time is precious, you don't need to list why yours is specifically. It would be rude if she did it to anyone.

Yanbu to be annoyed that your friend was two hours late, didn't tell you she was running late and didn't apologise. Yanbu to have enough as this is her usual pattern

yabru to think that she wasted your 8 week old daughters time when all your 8 week ol cares about it food, cuddles and being comfy.

agree you sound very intense and very determined to be super happy and super perfect and to just think that every waking second is super wonderful and you will be the most super mummy ever in the most super love ever with the most super baby anyone ever made, it's ok if at some point it becomes tedious, tiring, boring, frustrating etc. no one will think you lvoe her any less if everything isn't perfect every second of the day

Hi OP

You don't need to put up with this level of lateness. If you still enjoy seeing her, next time say 9am is fine we have a class we've already paid for and will be leaving at 10.30, and then leave even if she comes at 10.15. Or say I'd love to see you, we're going or a walk in the park at 11 but I have to leave at 12 to get the baby's lunch. Go and have your walk in the park and if she turns up then great, and if she doesn't you'll still have done your walk. Just invite her to activities you're already going to do, and then you've not lost time waiting. She'll soon stop turning up so late

In your post you mentioned no time for friends now you've got a baby as you're busy being a mother. You can do both! Your baby won't need you with this intensity forever. Please don't drop friends just because you have a child. If you still feel this way in a year then maybe you are just a home person but you might regret losing friends when your baby is older

YANBU for being annoyed at late friends, 2 hours is taking the mick. But you do seem insufferable and if that's the amount of spiel we've had on here I can't imagine how much your friend gets in real life so I'm not surprised if she's started to be late tbh. Honestly, speeches like "it's not just my time you're wasting, it's my 8 week old baby's that doesn't realise you even exist" are the one thing most mums can't abide in new first-time mums so I think if you chilled out a little you'll find things easier.

self-licking ice cream cone

Blimey

You sound intense

You may find she wants to drop off the friendship a tad too.

What was that?

Also people who say “little family” are normally overbearing

Your friend was unfair not to let you know that she would be late, but to be honest you sound a bit OTT. A bit smug and very PFB. I think you need to tone it down a bit.

It’s not just my time she’s wasting now, its my child’s

Oh op,your friend was rude, but you are going to look back on your early days of parenting and cringe at how intense you are.

Chill out

Though you are right that she was rude

The rest of your post is very Precious First Born and "our little family" always indicates a certain mindset I think

Perhaps your friend said :

I do have 4 children you know!

Because you've suddenly changed from her friend to The First Person To Ever Have A Child and she couldn't suppress her irritation much longer

I was a bit like you with the mummy PFB stuff when I had my first and actually cringe now when I look back, I realise now how much I must have bored everyone stupid as I literally could not talk or think about anything but my baby...

However, also when I look back I can see that I had post natal anxiety (diagnosed with subsequent children). I am not saying you have too, but your post bought back memories and really sounded just like I was, constantly going on about how great everything was and how amazingly blissful I found motherhood. I think alot of it was trying to persuade/convince myself that it was true. But at night I found myself catastrophising and while baby slept I would have a finger on her chest to check it was going up and down. I would pull up the car if I couldn't hear her to check she was ok, I would panic at any sign of illness and obsessed over everything from poo texture, hygiene, sterilising, I couldn't bear to be away from her and in fact bar showers and toilet didn't leave her until she was two years old. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect.... it was like I couldn't believe I deserved this happiness and that it would be taken away from me. I became an insomniac and struggled later...

I was genuinely happy to be a mum, and I did love it, but I would over egg to others how happy I was to hide how ridiculously scared I was too.

I might be so far off, but your post reminded me of me twelve years ago and I wanted to share in case you are feeling similar to me.

Your friend could have let you know she was running late. Don't burn your bridges; your baby is still tiny, and miraculous, but at some point you may crave adult company.

Okaaaay (backs away very slowly)

Calm.The. Fuck. Down.

YANBU about this friend. I didn't like people changing plans when i was on mat leave. Or now on holidays. I get it. You want company. It gets lonely. People mess you about you cant just pull other plans out of your ass.

It was always the same people flaking. It gets so I make plans and back up plans with flaky people. So when they say "xyz has happened will now meet much later than planned" i can say "oh what a shame i have to do x by then" cancel on the flake and swan off with plan B.

Plan B might be a trip to rhyme time or a walk in the park but at least you send the message that they fuck with your plans you wont be there.

Is she your only friend? I find it a bit of a jump from being pissed off with an unreliable mate (understandable) to, by the end of your post, contemplating being ‘friendless’. In answer to that part I think that, in general, you should try to preserve any friendship that matters to you, whether or not that includes the one you’ve mentioned.