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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends that waste your time.

110 replies

FirstTimeMum347 · 24/01/2019 15:46

I’m a first time mum and I’m trying my best. Trying my best to make sure my baby is happy, make sure she’s fed and warm and is being brought up in a clean and happy home. Trying to balance all this takes up every hour of my day and I love it. I love being a mum, I love having a purpose. Someone to look after, someone that needs me. It’s lovely being needed. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. So I feel like I owe it to my baby to make sure she’s got the best mum I can be. Physically and mentally, she’s what motivates me. So while I’m trying to be the best mum I can be, making sure my house is tidy and I’m not shoving junk food in my mouth, along with trying to still have quality time with my partner and just getting used to being a little family of three, it takes up all my time. I know people may think that I’m on maternity ‘she must be bored’ I’m not. My days are filled with baby swim classes, walks around the park, health visitor appointments, housework, tea times, bath times then bedtime routines. So my time is precious to me. I don’t have time for the same things I used to. So I don’t appreciate it when I’ve made plans with friends and I’ve made sure I’ve gotten up early, house is fairly tidy, everything is ready for her coming over for breakfast and then my friend shows up two hours late. I’m starving, not sure as to whether I should go ahead and eat myself as she won’t answer any calls or texts. When she does finally show and I challenge her on her time keeping, I get “I do have 4 kids you know!!”. Which I totally understand but because she has four children and I only have one, does that mean that my time isn’t as precious as hers? Before I had my DD (only 8 weeks ago) she would always use the excuse “I do have kids you know” to why she would show up late to other events. But now I have a child of my own she uses the amount of kids as her excuse to being late and wasting my time. Is it really alright to show up two hours late to someone’s house then expect them to cook your breakfast? 9am is early to meet with friends but when it was her that suggested the time, I didn’t think it would be an issue. This is not the first time this friend has been ridiculously late then showing up with no apology. But I feel like it’s the straw that broke the camels back for me. It’s not just my time she’s wasting now, its my child’s. Her time keeping totally ruined our plans for that day and I have no intentions of making any arrangements to see her anytime soon. My partner thinks I’m being too cut throat, as he worried that being on maternity leave that I will become lonely and that will lead to baby blues. But I’d much rather spend the day with my baby than people that take the piss. I just don’t feel like I have time for the friends that I did before. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Could all this still be the pregnancy hormones leaving me? As much as I don’t want to be friendless, I just feel that I don’t have time for the friends that I used to. Is that normal?

OP posts:

LightTripper · 24/01/2019 17:03

I have some friends who are always late. Because they are also kind and funny and bring me joy, I still count myself lucky to have them as friends - but I make sure I plan things with them that won't be ruined if they are massively late (e.g. going to their house, or if we are going out meeting them somewhere I can keep us all entertained in the meantime and won't feel trapped, or if they are coming to us then just getting on and eating if they are late for a meal - though to be honest if I'm cooking that is one of the occasions I would expect them to either be on time or let me know if they're held up and I'd keep something warm for them).

Luckily they are also the sort of people who are very relaxed and flexible in return, so it works OK - but I think you have to first of all decide if you really want this person in your life, and then if you do adjust your expectations and plan your meet ups so lateness won't ruin them.

LordPickle · 24/01/2019 17:03

Honesty the entire OP made you somewhat hard to sympathise with, as you sound a bit obsessed with being the perfect mother, but I wouldn't continue to make plans with someone that was 2 hours late. Or an hour late. I understand less than 30 minutes but over that and I will be reconsidering future plans.

RangeRider · 24/01/2019 17:06

Not sure why some people are being so rude just because OP is obviously enjoying being a mother. If you don't like what she posts, fine, just answer the AIBU part. No need to enter the 'who can be the bitchiest' competition at the same time. OP is a person with feelings you know.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 24/01/2019 17:09

It’s not just my time she’s wasting now, its my child’s Sorry I did snigger at that.

It is rude to be late, but if your friend thought you were at home anyway and was only expecting a piece of toast, I wouldn't cut her out of your life totally

3timeslucky · 24/01/2019 17:09

She's full of shit. Everyone with kids will make arrangements based on what seems possible. Sometimes things go wrong and we text and apologise "running late, will be 10/20/30 mins late" and sometimes we end up cancelling "vomitting/need to take child to doctor/too obnoxious to inflict on other humans" etc. Turning up 2 hours late is just a nonsense. Doing it regularly is inexcusable. It isn't a competition about who has kids or how many.

Unless you've a slightly masochistic streak I wouldn't bother making another arrangement. Or let her invite you over. And then turn up on time.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 24/01/2019 17:11

I wouldn't confront her. I'd let it go. If she pushes the friendship, maybe have the date at her house so that she can't be late for it. Otherwise, just drift away. Then later if you want to relook the friendship up, it's there.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 17:11

Your "friend" is just rude. I would give up on her, I can't stand people who think their time is more important than yours.

There's a huge difference between someone arriving late, but flustered and apologetic because of some last minute child-emergency, and someone strolling around and taking the piss.
She could have called or texted!

You can have 4 kids, or more, and still have basic manners. Many working mums have to manage without any problem.

She is just a perfect example of entitled CF MN loves so much.

bialystockandbloom · 24/01/2019 17:12

Yanbu to be annoyed she was so late, but seriously, a couple of hours unscheduled spontaneous time really is not a problem for your 8-week old baby, who I don't think will notice she's missed the appointed walk round the park that morning

Ps you're not the first person in the world to have a baby.

Passing4Human · 24/01/2019 17:17

YANBU as lateness like that is just really rude. Only thing I would say re. the rest of your post is that I would try and maintain important friendships (probably not this one) and cultivate new ones, as motherhood can be incredibly lonely at times without. The same with other interests outside your baby. You can build up problems for yourself later on if you invest absolutely everything you have in your kids to the exclusion of anything else in your life.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 17:17

This reply has been deleted

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TacoLover · 24/01/2019 17:18

thanks for making my day OP. And I agree you definitely seem like a self-licking ice cream cone. You sound completely obsessed with being the 'perfect' mother and you seem like the kind of mum that judges everyone else's parenting. Your friend is probably looking forward to the day your 8 week old turns into a screaming unpredictable toddler and disrupts your perfect and indisputable parenting technique.

Blessthekids · 24/01/2019 17:18

I have friends who are late but they apologize on arrival and send texts saying I'm running late so sorry. This friend is doing neither and frankly is rude. Four kids are hard yes but unless they are dangling off the roof, you can pick up the phone! You don't need to confront her. Instead carry on attending baby classes and be open to speaking to new mums and neighbours. You will soon make new friends. Hopefully she will notice your absence and change her behaviour

Fatasfook · 24/01/2019 17:20

You both sound rude tbh

TacoLover · 24/01/2019 17:20

Did you mean to be so rude and bitchy?

I don't think their post was rude at all. Joking around, yes. But you calling them bitchy is much ruder than what they said and MN would be incredibly boring if nobody joked around at all.

RangeRider · 24/01/2019 17:20

This reply has been deleted

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Rachelle3211 · 24/01/2019 17:21

You're whole post kind of terrified me and I can be incredibly rigid myself.

Your friend was rude, but if you like her then I'd just roll with it. I have a friend who is always very late, but I adore her so I adjust.
I'm also confused by the end of the post how you don't have time for friends like you used to.

Are you finding yourself losing a lot of friends right now? That would worry me. Friends are important. The way you speak about motherhood and your baby is really over the top. Given how much detail you went into I assumed you were quite lonely and isolated.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 17:21

talking about bitchy you seem like the kind of mum that judges everyone else's parenting.
where in the OP was there any of that?

Gosh some posters deserve the bitch award of the day sometimes. Way to go to put down someone for trying to adjust to a new baby. So unnecessary.

ilmmaiss · 24/01/2019 17:21

@DonCorleoneTheThird Who said she was young? And who said her time was worthless? And what is to be jealous of? People are commenting that she sounds intense, a bit PFB, and over the top so she can maybe tone it down in time before she pushes all her friends away. The huge backstory we were provided must have been for something, and after slogging through that I felt entitled to comment on it as I felt it related to me deciding whether she was unreasonable or not.

Ethel36 · 24/01/2019 17:23

She's got four kids..give her a break! I'm always an hour late and I've only got two kids! My friend has four kids and she's always late for everything...we don't mind. I think you're making a mistake by cutting her off. You still need friends especially on maternity leave. It can become very lonely no matter how many activities you fill your day with.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 24/01/2019 17:24

You are hilarious, but your friend is still rude. Yes, if I had 4 kids I would be late for everything, but there is no excuse for not sending a quick text.

Now please take a break, watch some shit TV, and eat a pack of hob nobs. That is what maternity leave is for.

TacoLover · 24/01/2019 17:25

I actually thought it sounded sweet. You on the other hand, TacoLover seem like a self-centred bitch completely obsessed with being the perfect unt. So congratulations. I doubt you even have friends.*

Oh the irony. Telling me that I'm being mean by saying OP is over the top while calling me a cunt and a bitch and that I have no friends

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 17:25

Who said she was young?
her first baby being 8 weeks old kind of qualified as being a young - as in NEW - mother... it doesn't matter if she is 18 or 42, she is still a NEW mum (if you prefer to young).

that I felt entitled to comment on it and I felt entitled to comment that some posters were bitchy and rude.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 17:26

TacoLover
so you come on a PARENTING forum to mock and insult a new mother? nice, really nice...
Shame they are so many trolls around, some posters might take them seriously.

TacoLover · 24/01/2019 17:27

as being a young - as in NEW - mother...

Young mum has never meant the same thing as new mum a 47 year old mother with a 6 week old daughter would never be referred to as a young mum.

Nala8 · 24/01/2019 17:29

She was rude to not answer your calls or at least send a quick text it doesn't take long.

My baby is 12 weeks now and I very much feel the same with really enjoying maternity leave just spending the days with my baby, walks, classes etc. In time you might want her company/advice as she has had 4 kids so I wouldn't cut her off as a friend just don't forget this with her and make plans at 9am again.

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