To think if you're gonna stay in someone's house who has small kids don't complain about the noise/tantrums

[GunpowderGelatine]

My mum is staying with me for a week, we see her maybe twice a year, and by god this is hard.

All she waffles in about is how hard/noisy/whingey my kids are. They are 5 and 2. 5yo good as gold but loud. 2yo has just turned 2 and going through the terrible twos. But if I'm struggling to get them both ready on a morning for school/nursery (DH works funny patterns so isn't always around to do it) she just sits gawping as the 2yo tries to climb on me as I'm buttoning up DD's shirt or putting on her tie. Mum just stares and tuts about how she couldn't live in a house like this, far too chaotic, she was a single mum of 3 and we weren't this bad.

Yesterday DS had a tantrum in a shopping centre because I took him off one of those little ride on cars. It's the kind of tantrum where he's so resistant that I had to bear hug him to carry him back to the car (we have all been there haven't we?). As I was strapping him in he did that arched back thing they do to stop you from putting them in 🙄 and my mum got some sweets out her handbag and said very loudly "here give him these, it'll shut the little twat up." I was bloody furious, it was very embarrassing as lots of people heard her and to me saying things like that aren't helpful to the situation. I told her don't you ever call my son that again (I mean he kind of is but only I'm allowed to call him it and in my head ).

She insisted on coming with me today to collect him from nursery, he's a bit under the weather and tired so has screamed pretty much all the way home. The whole journey she just chuntered on about "oh my god this is dreadful how do you cope, what a little bugger" and then tried to pass him her phone to play with (I don't mind screen time but not aged 2 when sitting in the car) and being offended when I said no don't do that please.

She's used to idyllic countryside, she doesn't work, hasn't for about 13 years (not retired, not even 60 yet) so I think it's a bit of a shock to the system but AIBU to think if you're choosing to stay with a family with small kids expect a bit of chaos?

If your toddler has never tried to climb on you when you’re on the floor doing something else, you’re the one with the unusual toddler.

He probably did but wouldn't be allowed to do it continuously as a method of control to distract me from helping my other child.

Strange the way some adults act like there is no way of controlling their children, and there is absolutely nothing they can do about a child climbing all over them, or running around a restaurant, or throwing a tantrum in the shops.

but wouldn't be allowed to do it continuously as a method of control to distract me from helping my other child

Pop back to the OP, @Drogosnextwife – where does she say he's allowed to do it continuously as a method of control to distract her?

Tried. Tried. She said he tried. Nothing about what happened next, nothing about what she did, nothing about what he's allowed to do continuously...

I understand you're a bit backed into a corner on this one, but please don't make the OP feel her parenting is even more under attack than she already does from her mother, especially not from something you inferred rather than something that was said. It's not necessary.

OP: my mum is being a pita. aibu to be annoyed?

everyone: no, she sounds like a loon

Small section of judgy mums: Launching rant about ops parenting which has fuck all to do with her mums attitude.

OP, my kids are 20 and 13. It's very easy to forget the shit days, the really fucking shit days where everything is difficult, the kids have strops, the whole world conspires against you etc. Therefore you look back and you remember the nice stuff and the funny stuff.

We have two small kids living next door, they are 7 and 4 and it's a sharp reminder that small people are phenomenally hard work.

Your mum sounds a bit useless and I'm not sure why she even comes to stay if she has nothing nice to say or won't even offer to help out.

Helping one child get dressed or making breakfast, anything to just lighten the load a tiny bit.

arched back thing... use one hand to get straps ready, use other hand over their hips, use this hand to tickle them and hold them down firmly once they have collapsed in the middle, use the other to put straps into the slot. It also helps to have a knee between their legs to prevent them slipping down the car seat or pushchair.

But if I'm struggling to get them both ready on a morning for school/nursery (DH works funny patterns so isn't always around to do it) she just sits gawping as the 2yo tries to climb on me as I'm buttoning up DD's shirt or putting on her tie.

TRIES not tried, implying it's happened more than just this one time, as I said before. Also OP said she could try and stop him but, you know he's 2 and that's what 2 year olds do apparently so nothing she can do about it.

Remember, op, this is aibi. People are allowed to be rude on here

I understand you're a bit backed into a corner on this one,

Really? Ok then. Don't feel "backed into a corner".

Drogo, you’re being ridiculous. Of course you can do things about climbing and tantrums. And while you’re doing them it’s helpful if other adults in the room help out with other stuff. And then the toddler does it again the next day, unless you’re using Negan style discipline. That’s why the twos are terrible, because they don’t just stop when you deal with it the first time. It’s quite a while since you’ve had anything to do with a two year old, isn’t it?

No I'm a childminder currently look after 2 2 year olds and a one year old, and my youngest is 5, so not that long since he was 2. Sound like OPs ds has tantrums a lot and gets to run a bit wild.

I would just say to her "I really don't feel like you are enjoying your trip with us, maybe you should return home and come back once the children are a bit older"
It sounds like it's not quite what she expected, so she should just leave.

Thing it’s going to get worse ! Ie my
Rowdy screen obsessed 7 and 9 year old

You are not blessed with a helpful
Granny
Rant here / don’t accept annoying behaviour and breathe it’s only twice a year

Don’t for God’s sake go NC as some have suggested . She has clean forgotten

I hate this ‘being watched’ type of person - ones who stand on the higher ground and make the person doing all the work feel shit!

She needs to step up and make your life easier not harder!! DH used to do it but not any more!!

Just snap ‘if you can’t be helpful go away’

Probably having judgemental granny sniping in the corner doesn't really help much.

YANBU. I just wanted to add my agreement that granny sounds a bit of a pain and your 2 and 5 year old sound completely normal!!

Take heart OP, DM will no doubt sashay home to tell all her friends how lovely her DGC are.

Sounds like my MIL.Not everyone has tame placid perfect children. My son is now calmer etc now he understand but at THAT age he needed a lot of input, effort, and guidance etc. He wasn't perfect at sitting still quietly, calmly etc. Mil just wanted a quiet no tantrum no noise no difficulties household when she visited. Now we barely talk, thank God.

@Sleeplikeasloth I said my DD was good as gold, I would never describe my son like that yes he's very challenging, but he is 2 and I don't have especially high standards for someone so young and I have no concerns.

I think my grandparents did a lot of the raising of us - not mums fault, it was the 80s, we were tiny and she was a divorcee fresh out an abusive marriage. She had to work round the clock and my grandparents were a god send, we moved in next door to them and they looked after us a great deal. so yes I wonder if she missed a lot of the tantrum stages (she didn't toilet train us my Nan did for example). I really admire and respect her for leaving an unhappy marriage in a time where single mothers were taboo (well, they still are now) and if anything you'd think she knew what struggles were - but no we were a doddle

And in my book any half decent person helps another person when they're clearly struggling, as long as they're able to. If my friends kids are bothering their mum I put the effort in, take one away or suggest something to them. When my best friend was in a cafe breastfeeding after spending 15 minutes trying to latch her newborn on and her 3yo DD piped up 4 seconds after latching "mummy I need the loo" I took her so my friend could carry on feeding her baby. And they do the same for me, as does MIL. That's what decent people do, they don't sit around staring because "well not my kids, not my job"

Anyway she's going tomorrow. I don't know who's more relieved me. I've told her tonight that next visit will have to be her staying in a B&B as I think we all struggle when the kids are so small and demanding, she's now in a sulk 🙄

OP, you did lump but children in together saying they were as good as gold, but tbh, it's not important in the grand scheme of things.

As I said, I have a child of similar age (a few months younger), so I get that tantrums happen. Maybe it was just a bad day or something, and I guess all children tantrum different amounts, but personally it seemed like quite a lot, if it was a typical day.

I think we sometimes expect too little of our toddlers, and are more accepting of bad behaviour than we should be. Saying that, I am a bit of an old school dragon on that front.

The language used was completely unacceptable, but her shock might be partly because you had different approaches to discipline etc.

Your son will likely grow out of tantrumming though, and as long as he isn't feral (which it doesn't sound like he is), then she'll just have to put up with your way of handling things really!!

And in my book any half decent person helps another person when they're clearly struggling, as long as they're able to.

This 1000%

I also can't stand it when relatives don't get stuck in, and just seem to prefer to observe the child rather than play and interact.

I was going to post the same. Both my mum and sister are the same. Always quick to criticise but never roll their sleeves up and get stuck in

Has she left yet @GunpowderGelatine? Hopefully you're able to heave a huge sigh of relief seeing her trot off with her overnight bag in hand.

You have the patience of a saint op!!!!

My parents are like this. So much eye rolling and tutting. I think people just forget what it's like.

My mum got upset on Christmas Day because my just turned 2 year old opened his newborn siblings Christmas present. "He shouldn't be opening that, it's for dc2"

Followed with lots of eye rolling about dc1s behaviour he's two!!!!!

She sounds horrible. No way I'd have her to stay again. Called your dc a year is totally unreasonable, and not something a normal person does.