To think if you're gonna stay in someone's house who has small kids don't complain about the noise/tantrums

[GunpowderGelatine]

My mum is staying with me for a week, we see her maybe twice a year, and by god this is hard.

All she waffles in about is how hard/noisy/whingey my kids are. They are 5 and 2. 5yo good as gold but loud. 2yo has just turned 2 and going through the terrible twos. But if I'm struggling to get them both ready on a morning for school/nursery (DH works funny patterns so isn't always around to do it) she just sits gawping as the 2yo tries to climb on me as I'm buttoning up DD's shirt or putting on her tie. Mum just stares and tuts about how she couldn't live in a house like this, far too chaotic, she was a single mum of 3 and we weren't this bad.

Yesterday DS had a tantrum in a shopping centre because I took him off one of those little ride on cars. It's the kind of tantrum where he's so resistant that I had to bear hug him to carry him back to the car (we have all been there haven't we?). As I was strapping him in he did that arched back thing they do to stop you from putting them in 🙄 and my mum got some sweets out her handbag and said very loudly "here give him these, it'll shut the little twat up." I was bloody furious, it was very embarrassing as lots of people heard her and to me saying things like that aren't helpful to the situation. I told her don't you ever call my son that again (I mean he kind of is but only I'm allowed to call him it and in my head ).

She insisted on coming with me today to collect him from nursery, he's a bit under the weather and tired so has screamed pretty much all the way home. The whole journey she just chuntered on about "oh my god this is dreadful how do you cope, what a little bugger" and then tried to pass him her phone to play with (I don't mind screen time but not aged 2 when sitting in the car) and being offended when I said no don't do that please.

She's used to idyllic countryside, she doesn't work, hasn't for about 13 years (not retired, not even 60 yet) so I think it's a bit of a shock to the system but AIBU to think if you're choosing to stay with a family with small kids expect a bit of chaos?

Sounds like a lot of grandmas I know. Unhelpful, rude and opinionated.

My gran was good as gold but I get a lot of commentary from my mum. It really doesn’t help.

I’d ask her to delay her next visit by 3 years. YADNBU

I'd say something (no doubt rude and unforgivable) along the lines of "oh they're fine normally, I think you being here is making them play up, you know how unsettled kids get when someone they don't like is around". But I am not someone you should take advice from on dealing with annoying relatives!

I really think some GPs forget what it's like. To hear either of my parents speak about my own (very small) children (specifically my 2yo), you would think neither me or my two siblings ever stepped a toe out of line from the ages of 0-18. As it happens, one of them was thrown out of two different schools and the other used to go AWOL as a teenager So if I'm ever given any "helpful" commentary regarding her latest tantrum, I'll just repeat, "She'll grow out of it" as many times as it takes to shut the conversation down.

You need to speak to her about the language, especially in public. I was on the bus today with a little girl who was having a tantrum and her Mum and Gran were calling them similar and it was horrible I was nearly cried when I got off.

Also tell her that you don’t appreciate the parenting critique and that it’s not constructive. The tantrum she was totally out of order because nobody can really do anything about tantrums at that age. The loudness, that’s something for your own sanity that you probably do need to get a grip on because you admit they are and that is going to affect other people like neighbours and people around you when you’re out. But the way your Mum is talking to you about it is hurtful and won’t help.

But the language - you’d be completely within your rights to tell them that you will stop her seeing them if she does it again until she learns to control her language. It’s not on.

"here give him these, it'll shut the little twat up."

OMG! I would have slapped her!

Can you not just explain that you find her comments really unhelpful and tell her that if it's that unpleasant she knows where the door is... byeeeee!

Yes exactly @BejamNostalgia had it been somebody else I saw in public I'd have had to say something. I told her people can read my car reg and with language like that I could easily be reported to SS.

Once we got in the car I unleashed hell for calling him a twat, she didn't speak to me for about 3 hours.

That's very frustrating and the twat comment was very over the line. Perhaps suggest she may be more comfortable stay in a hotel/B&B etc on future visits. Though I have a feeling this may not go down so well! This is what I do with my dad, he is nowhere near is a rude, but he has to be fully occupied and it all gets very tense. He stays at a B&B so he can have his much needed peace and quiet, and I tend to find things to do locally out of the house he will enjoy.

Were you the poster where the grandmother wanted to buy a big present but thought there may be an issue over who'd end up paying?

And for nursery pick ups, I think you just have to be more insistent she stays at home if it's making it worse.

well good for you for telling her off about her language.

Were you the poster where the grandmother wanted to buy a big present but thought there may be an issue over who'd end up paying?

Yes!! I stuck to my guns and she did buy it herself in the end (it was a playhouse)

did grannie think she`d be coming over for a week "to play dollies" so to speak?

I’d tell her not to bother visiting again. How dare she call your child a twat, I’m angry for you 😡

Oh gosh, it would certainly appear that your mum has forgotten what it's like to be mum to a toddler.

And the whole bear hugging a screaming child back to the car thing, I was nodding away at that as I was doing the same thing with my 2 year old dd this morning.

It's tough being two. It's also tough being a parent to a two-year-old.

Hugs

Hooray, glad you didn't cave on the playhouse payment! Your mum sounds like she can be a bit, erm, challenging at times. (My mum was like this). It can be very wearing, I think you draw your absolute lines, like the language and the nursery pick ups and then lalalala in your head on the more minor irritations. If you don't want a big blow out.

did grannie think she`d be coming over for a week "to play dollies" so to speak?

Yes I think she did. She was romantic visions of making artisanal greetings cards with DD, who will oblige for about 15 minutes before getting bored.

I had to have words earlier this week for taking over with my kids. We went for a meal with my brother and nieces and on the way home in the car (it was early, about 6.30) DD said to me "can I play pie face when we get home?". I was about to say yes a quick game, we have time. But my mum piped up "No not tonight, play it another day" I did say no it's fine of course she can. If it was her having to do bedtime etc I'd think fair enough, but she just sits on my sofa drinking coffee and moaning so I didn't think a bit of pie face would affect her . I think she can't get past me not being a child who's perfectly capable of being in charge of my own life and children.

Also all she wants to fucking do is go to the shops. We've been to Asda more times this week than I do in 3 months, and she says "I always spend a fortune when I come to visit you" as if it's my fault somehow! I have to go with her as we are rural and she refuses to drive my 'enormous' car (it's a C-Max 🙄) anywhere. Sorry I'm now just ranting. I hate having guests

I'd ask her to leave at this point, I think (although I'm NC with my mother so I'm not a 'usual' example of mother-daughter relations!)

And as @DobbinsVeil said upthread, in future, get her to book separate accommodation.

Family is great, AND for visits of more than a couple of days, I think everyone needs an bolthole to escape to!

Well the words she used are unacceptable but tbf it does sound like your 2 year old is a bit out of control. Why is he allowed to climb all over you while you are helping your DD?

Why is he allowed to climb all over you while you are helping your DD

She said he 'tries to', not that he does.

He's 2 – short of stapling him to the floor, 'controlling' a 2 year old is a tricky business.

Well if candy shuts a twat up you should ask her what shuts a cunt up because you'd like to buy it for her.

Haha haha drogosnextwife, very droll pretending you have never heard the term ‘terrible twos’

Also all she wants to fucking do is go to the shops. We've been to Asda

Classy.

@Drogosnextwife he isn't necessarily "allowed" but he is 2 and short of physically restraining him (which I guess I could do but the would have no arms to get DD dressed) there's not a lot I can do but weather the storm. He's clingy, and can be hard work, but that's 2yos for ya!

He's 2 – short of stapling him to the floor, 'controlling' a 2 year old is a tricky business.

Really? I've had 2 of my own and look after them for a living, the odd tantrum perhaps but sounds like it's a constant battle in your house.

she just sits gawping as the 2yo tries to climb on me as I'm buttoning up DD's shirt or putting on her tie

^this makes it sound like this happens every morning, not just a one off.

Your mum isn't there to help you discipline your kids.

Well then expect him to be climbing on you for a long time to come, not going to get much better if you can't actually be bothered to stop him. That's probably more what your dm means.

I’d be suggesting she gets the evening meal on while you pick the boy up from nursery. But what do you bet she doesn’t cook or doesn’t like someone else’s kitchen or is one of those visitors that expects room service! I’ll bet she’s also a gp who‘d complain loudly if the child dropped and broke her phone. She sounds awful, op. I hope she leaves soon and you get your home back.